Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

Would you be happy if she moved and left you with the child?

I am not the one who wants to uproot my family's life, move 2.5 hours away from any social and family support we have, take our daughter away from her grandparents who she is with everyday and loves

Yes

We have the perfect solution op.

Your wife and baby move to the city Monday to Friday and you are together at the weekends. Everyone will be happy with this. You stay in your house and job, your wife gets access to a decent job and social life.

Your baby clearly can't be separated from the mother at this age, so this is the only option.

This is very tricky. It obviously doesn’t make financial sense to move now for either of you. It reads to me that she misses he old work life of cities and travelling but she also know it’s not feasible to do with a small child.
I think she needs to realise that there is a time line to this (think you said 9 years?) and after that you will be financially in a great position and you can move then.
Could she do more things locally to where you live to feel happier? Maybe join some clubs/ make some new pals/ look into a new career.
it’s a very tricky situ and I hope you find a solution.

You are so resourceful, yet so disrespectful and cold to your wife.

I started this thread off on your side Op but the more I read the more I realise you have trapped your wife and stitched her up properly and she is suddenly realising this now. I think your behaviour is abusive. You haven't explained about the conversations that ensued when you found out she was pregnant because no matter how late in the pregnancy there are always options. Of course she loves your child now but did she actually want to have one?

She sounds completely trapped and a lot of it is by your doing and you are not open to allowing her any freedom based on what you have posted here.

The prenup especially sounds very calculated on your part and she signed it when the circumstances were completely different. I think she is now realising how different it makes it now that you have a child, especially with that 20 mile rule in place in your area and she is realising just how badly you have stitched her up.

It's clear that you aren't prepared to compromise because you know that she is completely stuffed and you don't care.

I hope she finds a way to leave you and make life work for her.

Wow, the 20 mile thing absolutely traps her, doesn’t it?

You can refuse to move and there is sweet FA she can do about it. A fact I am sure you are both well aware of.

so she carries on living somewhere she is unhappy, tanking her career, and you get to be as happy as Larry with your unique job and your pre nup and all the cards?

Do you think a thoroughly miserable mother is the best thing for your DD?

I can’t get over the fact that her mum moved to be near her and now she wants to go. Bet her mum’s pleased.

I don’t think he’s stitched her up, l think they’ve drifted into a difficult position where they both want totally different things.

The only question l have is how did 2 so very different people get together.

Wow, the 20 mile thing absolutely traps her, doesn’t it?

Nope. MAGA pride.

I'm an American who has been living in the UK for the past 25 years, so I completely understand the financial side of things, especially the importance of free health care. I understand sticking it out at your current company for the full pension. These things are huge benefits in the US.

What I don't understand in all of these posts is where love and commitment fit in. It all sounds like a business transaction. You'll gladly pay for her to live in the city, but you never say that's not a viable option because you'll miss her in your life. Will you? Will she miss you? And that's separate from putting your child through 50/50 split between you, which would be awful for your child at that distance. You seem strangely emotionally detached from the situation.

I was mostly on your side at the beginning of this post. But now I'm not. Other than the loss of pension, to which your wife is not entitled, you yourself lose nothing in almost all scenarios. You all would lose free health care if you move. Your wife loses her happiness and job opportunities if you stay, and your child loses if you move and has to be shuffled back and forth for 50/50 custody.

Instead of a counselor, I think some kind of mediator would be beneficial.

Why can't she go back to travel nursing, it may be an unusual choice for a mum but with family nearby to help you can be the primary carer - plenty of dads work away. In between jobs (I'm guessing it's contracts) is there bank / agency work locally?

She sounds an absolute nightmare and totally unreasonable. She has a job, fine it isn't her 'travel nurse' job but so what. You have financial security and family support but she wants to fuck off to the city where you'll have neither as she's a bit bored. She should put the needs of your dc above her desire for travel and city life.

Good luck, I think you're going to need it.

I have no idea what this means (I know the MAGA acronym but that doesn’t help me decipher this post)

Oh she apparently doesn't want t to leave her dc for days on end, but seems to be heading towards a spilt where the outcome will be exactly that.

So in conclusion- there’s lots of options, it’s just the OP only wants his life to remain the same and won’t consider any option that involves him compromising.

if being a weekend dad isn’t good enough for you, why are you suggesting it as a solution for your wife to be a weekend mum? You know she’s trapped and you are digging your heels in because you can.

do you love your wife? There is no option that involves you both being completely happy. Would you consider options that are slightly less good for you for her to be happier?

@mitogoshi because she doesn’t want to. I don’t think she actually knows what she wants to be honest.

OP, I can understand both your and your wife’s perspectives and there are no easy solutions here. I wonder if your wife may be somewhat idealising life in the city which is very unlikely to match her expectations now she has a 1 year old child (and I say this as a single parent, working in healthcare, in a big city. It’s really really not the same as it was before I became a parent!). However , in order to preserve the marriage , both sides will need to find some way to compromise, which will mean some form of loss and adjustment on both sides. It’s really important that you try to listen and understand what she is telling you about why she hates where you live. It sounds like it is something that is fundamental to her sense of self and identity. Is it the quietness of the area or is it something about not relating to the people who live there? Or is just about the job? This feels really important to understand. Good luck.

Based on your update about retirement so young I would also be reassuring her that you could move then

Travel nursing may involve being away for weeks at a time with eg a disabled person requiring assistance for a work trip. That’s very different to 50/50 care. It is not unreasonable for her not to want to do this with a young baby.

She knows what she wants - for them both to move to the city where there are more job options and earning/career growth possibilities for her.

Wow. This says it all. You are comfortable in your life, which is fairly low aspiration except for a comfortable living standard. Where you are. Set to retire at 51 or thereabouts. And then do… what? Would you really move anywhere? As honestly it doesn’t sound like you would change anything about your life to suit your wife, your support ends at you’re happy to support her to fuck off, either part time or full time. I bet she is so down that she got stuck in Indiana with that law.

if have more sympathy if you had more concept of reality. People change jobs, careers, they develop and grow and move. I think your wife might be more willing to stick out the 9 years if you cared more. Do you do weekends away, all of you going somewhere else at least once a month? If not, why not?

Op I'm in a similar situation in terms of not being able to stand my rural life. Counselling has been a godsend. As has frequent trips away to make the day to day life bearable. Truth is, life has changed. Kids do that. I was given the opportunity for the amazing london job. I couldnt take it, itd mean too many sacrifices for everyone else.
Would the marriage benefit from a period of separation ? So that she gets to see if the high flying life is something she wants?

At the end of the day we cannot always have what we want. It would be financial suicide to move and her desires don't trump yours neither does her job. Sadly for her she is going to need to stay put and crack on with things.

Now is the time to do your degree.

That would give you a timescale for change. You may be secure now but a new boss could decide your job needs to be done by someone with a degree.

It doesn't make sense to move.

I think your wife needs to look beyond the baby years. Where would schooling be better? In the rural location you are now or a big city?

The baby stage is a bit dull. Could she do part time work say Monday to Wednesday and then have a decent chunk of time to go elsewhere a couple of long weekends a month? You could join some.

She might enjoy it more when your child becomes a bit more of a travelling buddy before the school start (not sure what age that is in US). It seems like having the financial freedom to do this would be better than being in a city that you can't afford to do anything in.

For now I think she needs a change of job, the flexibility to do some travel and a plan to get to your early retirement age.

Realistically, when you have a baby even in a great location you get very little time for bars, restaurants, city style fun - especially if you have no family support for childcare.

Maybe a long term plan will help her.

I love where I live but I felt very trapped first time round as I just wasn't used to spending so much time in one place. My husband doesn't feel like this so I generally do something one weekend a month for a change of scenery.