Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

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I don't think you're being unreasonable. You could give up this great, secure situation you have for yourself and she might still be unhappy in the new location. And then divorce you after you gave everything up for her. She knew the situation when she went ahead with the pregnancy. It's very sad that she's unhappy. But you havent actively done things to make her unhappy, and youre trying to offer solutions. She needs to explore alternative solutions to make this location work. Even in 9 years time, it might not be in your daughters best interests to move if she is settled. Your wife is stuck. It's not your fault she's stuck, but she is. She made her bed. So she needs to dig deep and make it work.

This. 100%
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I agree with this too. Assuming everything you write is truthful, she knew what she was signing up to. Yes, feelings can change, but that's not your fault and you have very practical reasons for digging your heels in.

However, the pregnancy was obviously a pressure for your wife and she may have been trying to be positive about something that she felt she had little choice about - and now it's catching up with her. Perhaps she could have counselling to help come to terms with that?

I'm a Brit who lives in the US so I get the situation with healthcare, pension etc. Your job sounds fantastic for the benefits it has.

I have found that small town America can be a double edged sword and it takes a certain mind set to enjoy it. It sounds like she really isn't a small town kind of person, but your job really does tie you to the place. It also sounds like she has decided she's unhappy so she just won't discuss any options. You can't force her into therapy but it is possible that depression is part of this. An unexpected baby and complete change in job and lifestyle is a huge adjustment.

Does she have any friends where you live? It sounds like she struggles to gel with people in your town and has no one to mix with and also doesn't want to find those people.

I didn't know what the answer is, if she's not able to adapt her mind set to accept the current situation and find some like minded people, then there isn't much you can do.

@KickAssAngel Yes, as a nurse, her skills are highly transferable and her previous job enabled her to travel to different places for 13 weeks at a time, I.e., she wasn’t spending that much time in the town and now she’s realized that she doesn’t much like living there.

He’s polar opposite, he’s perfectly happy there and doesn’t seem too interested in acquiring transferable skills. I’m not sure how you reconcile such different outlooks.

I think a lot of people on MN being British won’t understand the benefits you’re describing. Frankly they are huge, and I’d find them incredibly hard to walk away from with less than 10 years to run. Regardless of that, the family proximity is huge.

I had a traveling nurse bring her 2 year old to the daycare my son attends for a month this summer, she then went onto another location where her husband was meeting her on vacation. Is there a compromise where she can “test” 1 month as her work time away? The reality of young children, no support, family etc would kick in very quickly in my opinion.

As someone who had an unexpected pregnancy I can say that it made the transition post birth difficult as everything changed and I wasn’t fully ready to give up all my “me time” and freedom, though I wouldn’t change my child for anything. It sounds like you guys need marriage therapy. Keep suggesting it, it’s 100% worth the time and cost. It saved my marriage the year after our first. The young child years are incredibly hard on everyone, and sometimes it’s hard to see a clear picture of the issues as you’re so deep in the trenches. It’s nice to hear a story of a dad actually wanting their family on here for a change. Well done for trying for your family.

I'm honestly a bit confused here. The way you talk about losing over 2 million if you leave, and retiring at 42. Paying your daughters college so she has not college loans. Travel every weekend. 5 or 6 big vacations a year. I'm thinking wow you must make a fortune. But no, you make $135,000 a year. While thats obviously a nice chunk of change, it is NOT enough to fund everything you have listed here. How is your pension going to be worth millions? on $135,000 a year?

Yes she has friends here and her mom is nearby too. I think depression could be part of it. Having a baby was not something we expect or planned for, that’s for sure. I just sat down with her for over an hour and talked to her. I asked her what it is she wants because every time I make suggestions, she shoots it down. She said she misses being a travel nurse but can’t do it anymore because she doesn’t want to leave our daughter and it would not be logistically possible to her childcare for her when she’s on the road if she were to take her. She also Saadi she didn’t want to separate her from me or her grandparents. I asked her if she would be happy in the city and she said that financially it would not be worth it as an extra she would make would go towards added expenses and our daughter would be scared in daycare and she didn’t want to do that to her

our bills and expenses are low. Even with all the travel, we average about 4k a month, most of the time less-that’s diving all our yearly expenses by 12. We drive to the cities so it’s cheap and we usually stay at bed and breakfasts which are very cheap. My pension is set up that I get X amount of dollars after 20 years. For international vacations, my good friend is an American Airlines pilot so we get heavily discounted tickets from him or we use our points we get by using our card so most of the time our flights are free or 200-300 bucks round trip. We usually stay at an Airbnb or something so trips aren’t crazy expensive. My 401k now has 9% match which I max out. The standard in my field at other places is 3%. Over the course of a decade of compound interest in addition to the loss of my pension, it is a huge chunk. Together we make about 200k without any overtime in an area where the average income is 32k and the top 1% of income is 60k. We make 4x that together as our base pay. If I work OT here and there, I easily add an extra 20-25k to my income and her about the same

I’m lost now - so she no longer wants to be in the city?

I’m curious as to what she expects to find in the city? I know when I first moved to where I was in my mid-20s, I was so busy and excited all the time because no one had responsibilities and was available to do fun things, and there was an airport close by so I travelled lots. No kids, no ties. Over time, people had kids, moved out of the city, or spent weekends away from it, I’d seen all the museums and galleries, and it became less exciting to travel - everything loses its shine eventually. I’m now also considering the moving out of the city route so I’ll have more space, family nearby, etc. I’d be worried she may be idealising a ‘young’ city experience compared to what you have in your mid-30s and when her friends move onto the next step of their lives.

I’d definitely look into the PND/general depression/losing her former identity angle. That does seem like a big red flag here. Are you generally being a supportive and engaging husband at home?

You talk about her not liking her colleagues, but why is that? Are they mean to her, or does she look down on them as country bumpkins?

I’d be worried she’s prioritising a short term boost (city living) over her daughters’ future financial stability and security. Being a mother does entail some sacrifice. That said, I think you need to work out where she ideally wants to move to once these 10 years are up. You’ll be uprooting your daughter, which is no minor thing.

Lastly, I echo what others have said - this is a U.K. centric board and many people don’t get the cultural and financial differences around money and careers in the US and U.K., so take some comments with a grain of salt.

I think the sacrifice to stay in Indiana for 9 years with a prenup like yours makes the sacrifice not worth it for her. It's all to benefit you. There is no guarantee you won't leave her and then she has no access to pension she sacrificed for you to earn and I'm sorry but how does a nurse get to 6 months pregnant and not realise? We know IUDs are not infaliable. Her stomach and boobs would have felt different by month 2.

She has access to my pension. It’s my 401k that’s in there. And I told her she can half of my 401k too if we were to split and I would give her the house too. She can half of it all, I won’t put up a fight for it. She never had periods with her IUD and never had any pregnancy symptoms at all. She never looked pregnant at all, honest. She only gained 7 pounds. Her doctor called it a cryptic pregnancy

I don't see the point in staying in a bigger house if your wife is miserable.

You need to make plans. Consider everything eg would her mother move with you so you continue to get childcare?

Can you do college in the evening? Can your wife take further qualifications?

She can surely go back to the travel nursing in a few years? You just need a plan for how to get there.

Your employer sounds supportive is there a role your wife could do there?

It's difficult to advise because this is a UK based site. A lot of nurses here go into teaching in colleges.

My aunt was a nurse and worked at the Rolls Royce factory (the one making airplane engines, not the car) is there anything like that near you?

Get a family member /Granny to step in whilst DW travels for work - as long as care of baby is loving and consistent baby should be ok.

all of our family still works full time and would not be able to go with her and she doesn’t want to leave the baby here and go weeks at a time without seeing her

I worry you could move and your wife still be unhappy with her new job which isn’t travel nurse.
Could your wife study or train for a new career whilst baby is small. Can you manage on one wage.

In this case I think your wife needs to grow up and accept this is the best for the family. Happy is a state of mind, she could feel just as restless anywhere because now she is a mother her life will never be like it used to all carefree and fun. She chose to keep the baby, she chose not to do just in case pregnancy tests and she needs to change her stinkin thinkin. She is chasing a life that she knew pre children that doesnt exist anymore. Most of parenting is dull and boring, that is life.

Yeah, you've got to suck this up until she wants to leave the daughter and go back to nursing

There isn't another option

You have little mortgage and incredibly good pay, I'd never leave that

I think we all make sacrifices for our kids and families. It's part and parcel of having a family. Once your child is older your wife can have more freedom again. Just try and make the young child years as much fun as possible. Sometimes it's difficult to fully appreciate how lucky you are and it sounds as though she is feeling stuck and low and can't see the wood for the trees. You are in a great position. Sorry you are going through this. Its not fair for your wife to change the goalposts now given your particular situation.

It sounds like your wife might be depressed. Has she seen a doctor?

it sounds like you have run all the options but at the end of the day it’s not all about money

If she really can’t live where you are then you have to consider moving. However, she needs to be sure that she will find work that satisfies her that’s not the travelling nurse

If the travelling nurse is her dream job then she will have to accept being away from the baby and you will have to get a nanny

Sadly there isn’t a magic solution

Please do NOT leave your job. I have some sympathy for your wife. But also the benefits you receive are incredible the likelihood of ever getting the same elsewhere is so remote you’ll likely win the lottery first. I don’t think your wife knows what she wants. If roles were reversed you’d get “get your ducks in a row” or “LTB”. Why can’t people see that even though your daughter wasn’t planned you love her and deserve to spend as much time with her as her mother. A grown woman rolling eyes when being offered compromises is ridiculous. I agree with a previous statement you made about how many people would love to have the life/benefits/ flexibility in work you have. I hope you can work things out but part of me thinks your wife is living in cloud cuckoo land. You are both still relatively young and if it was me I would hold off the 9-10 years while working at the hospital then once you can retire go from there.

You might move for her and she decides the marriage is over because she is still unhappy. The city exciting life is gone she needs to accept her new reality and appreciate the good things in it.

You have the opportunity and a whole load of money to go on a holiday every 6 weeks

Suck that up and use all your income for that until she is able to go back to travel nursing

How far are you from Indianapolis, Evansville, Bloomington,.Lafayette, Muncie, Terre haute?

One thing I cant understand is people like you telling the wife should be unhappy because needs of kids and the husband are so much more important than her own mental health.
Also not sure if you ever lived in a really dire place that has nothing to do, it's not about being 'a bit bored' but living in a prison. Small town US can be a bit like, the only thing you do is observe your neighbours- and sometimes you need a car to do that too. Obviously if you are personally a curtain twitcher by profession then you would not understannd how some people actually enjoy doing something else.

OPs wife is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't- if they move she will be a selfish bad mom uprooting her family to a smaller house with more expenses, if she stays she will be a bad unhappy mom; she is under a lot of pressure because if they move, they will be worse off, but if they stay this whole thing will likely fall apart regardless.

I think from your last update she doesn't really want to move to the city.
I think PPs have it right when they say she is missing her own life, and is struggling to accept it.
I think some form of counselling would be wise.

He says they could both retire then. Not just him. And the. Travel which she loves.

You want him to work an extra decade but not her live where they are for another 9 years.

The benefits he receives are too good to lose as they benefit the WHOLE family.

Her choice benefits no one but herself. And there is no guarantee she'd be happy anyway. So give up everything and figs she's still unhappy. That's a bad option.