Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

“Don't forget she chose this when she moved where he lived and married him. She did not choose the baby, which is the main change in their lives and her lifestyle. Not a lot she can do about that though.”

That is oversimplifying- her career at the time they agreed where to live involved being away from the rural area she hates as a travelling nurse for more than half her time. Of course if one person has a travelling job it makes sense for the base to be the place that suits the person who lives and works there 24/7

@Hummingbird75
I totally agree with you. More so because you have invested some time today listening to this thread. OP has raised some valid points, but as you point out they can be accommodated. It takes a special person to step up. If he did, what an example he would set - to his family and his daughter.
I was in a similar situation 20 years ago. I declined a position that would have set our family up forever. It was right at the time.
Guess what? I did it in another way, and during that process my shoulders got bigger.
OP doesn’t need to change anything major, just flex.
Flex on child contact and flex on foreign holidays for his wife’s mental health.
someone upthread said they wanted to hear the wife’s story.

Is she close to her mum - I would think she is if her mum moved to be with her? Have you had a chat with her mum to see what she thinks about all this? It sounds like your wife doesn't know what she wants while she's negotiating her new identity as a mother - and possibly PND.

I agree with this 😬 I can empathise with her, I live in an area I'm not keen on but it is the best for our family so I make do.
All I know is you would be absolutely unreasonable to leave your job with the perks it has. Plus it would just be transferring the unhappiness on to you and not solve anything!
I think you need a real, no holds barred conversation about this. Would it be an option for you to separate, share care of your child 50/50 so she can go live in a city? Have you both talked about that as an option and discussed practicalities? You need to say the unpleasant things out loud to get to the bottom of a problem like this unfortunately.

Yes she’s close with her mom. I have not talked to her mom. I do not think it would be right to talk to her mom about this without her consent. Her mom had mentioned before that she’s restless and always thinks the grass is greener

Honestly, I think you should put the ball back in your wife's court. You have suggested solutions and compromises, she has shot them all down. She wants to move to the city, but she doesn't want to live in a smaller house, reduce her expenditure, or see less of her kid. That means the move isn't possible.

She seems to be thinking only of herself, rather than all of you as a family. It sounds like if she were willing to change specialism, she could work more locally in a job that she would prefer. But if she's not willing to change or compromise on anything, then what can you realistically do?

I think you just say, the move you want to make is not possible at this time. You can either accept that, or come up with a solution that works for the whole family. Your non-negotiables are your job and not seeing your kid at least 50/50 - so those are off the table for discussion. Find out what her non-negotiables are and take those off the table too. Whatever you're left with can be up for discussion and compromise. That's the only fair way forward.

Before she had our daughter, our plan was to retire where we are. That’s why we bight our land and custom built our house-that she designed by the way. Our goal was to always retire here into our dream home. As far as moving to the city, I have no desire to live in the city. She told me she looked into it and she would only make 20k more than she does here, and childcare was going to be around 3k a month and housing was high. I offered to move halfway between and we could continue to take our daughter to family so we wouldn’t have to worry about childcare and she said no because she still wouldn’t be in the city and anything extra she made would go to housing. She currently maxes out her retirement funds and the only bill she has is her car and car insurance. Other than that, I pay for everything. She saves/invests most of that she makes

^^ this

@conflictedhubby0622 honestly good luck to you. She has rejected every sensible compromise you have suggested- nothing is good enough for her. She wants her cake and to hell with the ramifications .she can’t come up with any practical or sensible solutions of her own. God knows why you would want to be with someone that self centered.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You could give up this great, secure situation you have for yourself and she might still be unhappy in the new location. And then divorce you after you gave everything up for her. She knew the situation when she went ahead with the pregnancy. It's very sad that she's unhappy. But you havent actively done things to make her unhappy, and youre trying to offer solutions. She needs to explore alternative solutions to make this location work. Even in 9 years time, it might not be in your daughters best interests to move if she is settled. Your wife is stuck. It's not your fault she's stuck, but she is. She made her bed. So she needs to dig deep and make it work.

I don’t think anything here contradicts my main point - your subject line is incorrect, as you obviously have a choice but it’s not what you want in life. Your life plan sounds extremely dull to me, but I guess she did choose to marry you and move there so 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is a very good point. What if they give all of that up and she's still not happy? Or wants more or something else?

Have you read this thread properly?

@conflictedhubby0622 100% agree
miserable and trapped but he’s alright and she can’t do anything about it as she can’t move with the child.
Horrible !
Op is going nowhere now or in 9 years as “he’s ok “
poor kid has to be home schooled (not that I’ve anything against it ) simply because he is looking out for himself over his wife and even his child .

But he said they could move an hour away, so halfway, and she didn't want that either. It's the city or nothing. Should she not compromise also? Why should only the husband compromise

She doesn't want to leave the baby.

OOI, why do you think that your job always going to be limited to that one employer?
I understand that it was very unusual to get the role in the first place because you lacked the usual qualifications. But now, surely you have lots of work experience and references showing that you do a good job in the position, which would put you in a great place to interview elsewhere?
Is the actual issue a sense of loyalty to the company that gave you the break, a contract that says you may not work for rivals, or possibly just being comfy where you are?

This is important. Her mother moved to be closer to your wife (and you and your daughter) Now your wife wants to up sticks?

I think your wife is being selfish. She has everything she needs where you live presently but thinks she will be happy if she moves to a city. Frankly I think you should let her go. She will only resent you for the next nine years otherwise.

This. 100%

The role I am in is a seniority position. It’s not a job that I can just get anywhere. It’s specific to my workplace. I would also not get the benefits I do now for my family anywhere else. I would have to forfeit my pension, which will be worth 7 figures in 9 years, my 401k match would significantly decrease, we would no longer have free breath insurance which is easily 800-1k+ a month in addition to copays and deductibles. One procedure, ambulance ride, or one ER trip could cost us tens of thousands of dollars on top of what we would pay monthly for insurance.

We would also have to pay for childcare which can start at 2500 and go up from there. We don’t have to pay for childcare now. I have sat down with her and looked at jobs I would qualify for and jobs she would and between the paycut I would take, our overall household income as a couple would decrease by 50k. Couple that with 2500+ a month in childcare, 1k health insurance premium a month, our mortgage rate would more than double when we sat down and ran the numbers, we would be living pay check to paycheck.

I also sat down with her and showed her how much it would hurt us in the future. Between the loss of my pension, the loss of my 401k match and the fact that we would not have any money left over to our back in our 401ks after we paid necessities, we would both be out millions of dollars in the long run. I also pointed out we would not be Abel to go on our weekend trips or vacations like we do now and asked if that was something she was willing to sacrifice as she said no.

Being able to retire at 42 is very, very unusual

It sounds like you could actually afford to live somewhere else perfectly well, but you’d have to work for much longer in comparison to if you stay where you are. I don’t know how much longer but let’s say a decade so you retire at 52 not 42. Still pretty early!

It seems unfair to expect your wife to stay somewhere so isolated so that you can get such unusually early retirement.

Also; experience tells me that those high earning men who say it’s all so they can retire early - they actually never do. There keeps being another reason why they need to keep working , just another couple of years…
years later and she’s mid 50s and still in rural Indiana.

Why can’t you move to the city and suck up the long commute? Maybe buy or rent a small place near the plant and stay over a couple of nights a week to cut back on commuting. Sounds like you could afford it.

If she worked for a major hospital in say Chicago, wouldn’t she get good health insurance options though? It might not be free, but I imagine the coverage would be good.

I can see that it’s a difficult choice, but OTOH, city living could offer you, your wife and your child, so many new opportunities in the long term.

I can see that childcare is a big consideration, especially until your child starts school. Could you compromise and say let’s focus on saving for the next few years, so we can give city life a try? Your current mortgage is small and you have family close by to keep an eye on your house, so if your wife found a job, you could rent somewhere small and give city life a go. Worst case, it doesn’t work out and you move back to Indiana.

So many people on here have no idea just how good that set of benefits is in the US - full healthcare, excellent pension and a lot of PTO plus flexibility. That’s rare! Nor how astronomically expensive properties can be in US cities. And they have a cheap mortgage plus both sides of the family nearby. OPs wife is earning $60k - would city earnings really be that much better by the time they factored in paid childcare and a mortgage double or triple what they’re on now? Plus loss of pensions. And this is assuming they both actually get jobs straight off.
I won’t comment on the prenup save to say they’re not uncommon in the US. According to OP, both of them have paid into their own pensions and will be on track to retire in their 40s.
I get wanting career progression but, as is so often said on here, once a child is in the mix sacrifices have to be made and stability takes precedence over “living somewhere exciting”. Somehow I get the impression that even if OP went “sure, let’s move” and they quit jobs and upped sticks, that wouldn’t magically make OPs wife happy. She will still be juggling job, childcare but with even bigger bills and less disposable income to have much fun with.

@TiredCatLady I’m in the US so I appreciate how great those benefits are!

But, I also know that living in a small town such as the OP describes isn’t for everyone. My DH had a good childhood in a small Mid-Western town, but he and all his siblings left, because there’s a big wide world out there. Yes, you have to put children first (DH and I have done that), but that doesn’t necessarily mean living in the same place forever.

I feel bad for both the OP and his wife, because I’m not sure that they’re well-suited.

I also don’t know what he’s reluctant to improve his qualifications. It sounds as if he has the money to pay for classes.