Page 13 | Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

conflictedhubby0622 · 2024-07-07T07:44:25+00:00

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage. My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time. I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have. So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable. She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension. I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us. I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 07/07/2024 16:48

Abouttimeforanamechange · 07/07/2024 16:40

his wife has lost all independence.

Did you miss the part where his wife is working and earning well above the typical household income for where they live?

And his wife not liking the area don't make it a shithole.

I spent a few years in rural US, albeit a different state, the most exciting thing they town had was a supermarket and a cheap nondescript restaurant, and the nearest civilisation was an hour drive, if they live in a similar place it is defintiely a shithole. Id rather gauge my eyes with a teaspoon than move somehwere like this again. I find rural UK has a lot more fun stuff to do and culture, even if you live in the countrysise. US countryside was dire.

If the wife is a city girl who already disliked the place before, I totally get why she feels living there with husband who is only supportive of her as long as he gets his paycheck with an unplanned baby is like a life sentence.

WhereToStartAgain · 07/07/2024 16:50

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 07/07/2024 16:48

I spent a few years in rural US, albeit a different state, the most exciting thing they town had was a supermarket and a cheap nondescript restaurant, and the nearest civilisation was an hour drive, if they live in a similar place it is defintiely a shithole. Id rather gauge my eyes with a teaspoon than move somehwere like this again. I find rural UK has a lot more fun stuff to do and culture, even if you live in the countrysise. US countryside was dire.

If the wife is a city girl who already disliked the place before, I totally get why she feels living there with husband who is only supportive of her as long as he gets his paycheck with an unplanned baby is like a life sentence.

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Lots of 'ifs' in your post.

SheilaFentiman · 07/07/2024 17:08

surely she could travel with the baby and sort out childcare over there, unless OP forbids her to take the baby with her?

OP has made it very clear he is not prepared to be a “weekend dad” with his wife having their child with her in the nearest city. Can’t think he would allow national/international travel.

Original poster

conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 17:17

Yankeescot · 07/07/2024 16:07

Ok, so looks as if between Indy and Terra Haute? Indy is only just over an hour's drive from that area, which is completely commutable. She could look for a cheap apt on the west side of Indianapolis and stay there on days she works. Wouldn't that work well in the interim? I understand what you're saying regarding the pension(Lucky!) and the vestment. As an American that lived over half of my life in the UK, and sadly back in the US for the last few years, I understand where you're at with your desire to stay the 9 years.

For the Brits: a pension in the US is not the same as in the UK. In the US, there isn't a DWP that covers pension tied to your working life. In the US, pensions are privately/company funded and tied to a specific company. And very, very rare! You must stay at that company for a specified period of time in order to receive the pension. If you quit or get fired, the pension reverts back to the company.

It sounds as if you grew up there, she didn't. As someone who's in a very similar position as your wife, I completely understand where she's coming from. Moving to a small town in the midwest can be BRUTAL and isolating. When you're not from there, people don't know you, you will always be treated like an outsider. People that are from these small, midwest towns have known each other their whole lives with established lifelong friendships. The nepotism oozes everywhere here for work opportunity. And while usually very friendly on the surface they kind of forget about your existence so are excluded from girl invites to do things. Even when you're trying your best to join clubs, hobbies, activities, your job it's the same result. Great while you're there for group activity, but unless you are lucky enough to meet someone else that's not from there, they forget about you once activity ceases. I'm currently in southwest MI in a town called St Joseph. It's a gorgeous tourist town on Lake Michigan. My Mum grew up here, left in her teens, moved back after retirement and fell ill when I'd been living in Edinburgh my adult life. I had to move here to take care of her. She has since passed and now I'm in a position that I can plan my escape from here to move to a city environment. Much more job opportunity, transplants, ex pat clubs etc. I have met a few friends here, others that aren't from here and have experienced the same exclusion and isolation that I have, but stay busy with their partners so don't see much of them. It's very depressing and isolating, horrible for mental health.

Please try and work a compromise. From your location it sounds as if there are a number of things that would work for her. If you're on that high of a salary, a cheap apartment in Indy sounds very do-able. My friends Daughter just took a job in Indy a few weeks ago and has a spectacular apartment downtown for $1600. This apartment is super high end, so your wife wouldn't even need to spend that.

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with where we are in the area, Indy is about 2 hours away due to traffic. I’ve never made it to Indy in less than an hour 50 minutes. Sometimes it can take 2.5 hours to get there with the weather and traffic. She is from terre haute and it’s about 1.5-2 hours too from our house. She said the pay there is what it is here and wouldn’t be worth it

OP posts:

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 07/07/2024 17:20

SheilaFentiman · 07/07/2024 17:08

surely she could travel with the baby and sort out childcare over there, unless OP forbids her to take the baby with her?

OP has made it very clear he is not prepared to be a “weekend dad” with his wife having their child with her in the nearest city. Can’t think he would allow national/international travel.

Even if he was ok with it , do people even think about the logistics of it?

On here you often see people that barely manage to leave the house with a baby to just go to the shops, or find emergency childcare somewhere they lived for years, but this woman is supposed to frequently travel with a baby on her own, find suitable accommodation AND childcare in various cities every few weeks?

Original poster

conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 17:23

Chillilounger · 07/07/2024 15:04

It sounds like she misses her old job and the travel. I know you said it's not possible but why? Yes it would be hard er on you, you would have the majority of the childcare but there's wrap around care and to support her dream (and not have to move) surely it's worth considering?

Travel nursing entails 13 week assignments. She’s in a speciality, psychiatric, and there are not assignments close to home so she would have to be gone for days/weeks at a time and she doesn’t want to do that and leave the baby

OP posts:

Chickennoodlesss · 07/07/2024 17:26

conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 17:23

Travel nursing entails 13 week assignments. She’s in a speciality, psychiatric, and there are not assignments close to home so she would have to be gone for days/weeks at a time and she doesn’t want to do that and leave the baby

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Could she change her speciality?

wizzywig · 07/07/2024 17:34

Has she met someone else and is now doing everything possible so that you instigate divorce?

Original poster

conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 17:37

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 07/07/2024 15:45

OP - would you be prepared to get a document drawn up with a lawyer promising permission for her to move away in 9 years time even if you decide not to go to/get divorced in the meantime?

because she then might feel less trapped. Right now, she’s stuck between living in this rural location she hates - with or without you - for the next 17 years, or moving to have a better life, but without her daughter.

You are promising you can move in 9 years, but it might help to have it clearly nailed down that you can’t back out of that.

Alternatively, would you really not consider trying the commute from the nearest decide sized town /city for 6 months? Keeping your job but losing the location as the family home.

Given you won’t even try it for a few months, I’d find it hard as her to believe you that in 9 years you’ll be prepared to move from this places you’ve lived your whole life. Get it in writing that you will.

Yes. I have told her I will do whatever she wants me to do to show her I will move to wherever she wants to go in 9 years. If that’s going to a lawyers and drawing up an agreement, we can do that. I told her we can go check out the west coast if she wants when that time comes and if she wants to continue to work at that time, nurses get paid a lot out there and have unions. She said she doesn’t want to wait that long

For the commute, while I don’t mind commuting, the issue is housing prices now. We would be paying double/triple our mortgage for a much smaller place. I have no issue with that but she wants something similar to what we have which is just way out of our price range now. Also, everything between us and the city is fairly rural as well and she said “why bother then” because it would be the same situation

OP posts:

Original poster

conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 17:41

Chickennoodlesss · 07/07/2024 17:26

Could she change her speciality?

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yea she can if she wants. If she changed it to something more general like the emergency room, she could be a traveler in the Indy area and could be closer to home and she shot that down. She said if she was going to go back to travel, she didn’t want to stay in Indiana and the point of travel nursing was to go from states to states. She’s not going to be happy unless we move to the city and like I have told her, it’s just not feasible for me right now

OP posts:

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 07/07/2024 17:50

If all you say is true , it's time to be clear and honest that she can't have it all. Give her a list of options and she has to decide what she's willing to compromise on/can live with for the next 9 years.

Odds are if you can't reach a middle ground, you marriage won't last 9 years anyway.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 07/07/2024 18:00

SheilaFentiman · 07/07/2024 17:08

surely she could travel with the baby and sort out childcare over there, unless OP forbids her to take the baby with her?

OP has made it very clear he is not prepared to be a “weekend dad” with his wife having their child with her in the nearest city. Can’t think he would allow national/international travel.

But he was prepared for his wife to be weekend mum and work away as he looks after the baby, amazing partner.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 07/07/2024 18:01

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 07/07/2024 17:50

If all you say is true , it's time to be clear and honest that she can't have it all. Give her a list of options and she has to decide what she's willing to compromise on/can live with for the next 9 years.

Odds are if you can't reach a middle ground, you marriage won't last 9 years anyway.

But she did not have much and OP has it all, not much of a compromise
Edit, I read the latest update so maybe she does need to compromise on the size of the house, although OP dies not seen to be too keen on it, despite him saying he will be up for a move.
9 years is anlooong time to be unhappy.

Original poster

conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 18:04

wizzywig · 07/07/2024 17:34

Has she met someone else and is now doing everything possible so that you instigate divorce?

Eh I don’t think so. Fidelity has never been an issue or worry in our relationship

OP posts:

heldinadream · 07/07/2024 18:06

@conflictedhubby0622 I have a lot of sympathy for both of you, you sound like you're at a really difficult stalemate.
Therapy had been suggested a couple of times and you say she won't. I'm a retired therapist. I honestly think you would both benefit enormously by having some couples therapy. You are both so stuck with nowhere obviously to find movement. I think you need to find a way to persuade her to at least give it a try. After all, there's nothing to lose taking that course - well obviously it costs money but it sounds like you can afford it, and if you break up or she leaves or whatever that's going to cost money too. Please consider trying to implement this as a plan. You guys need some really skilled help.
I wish you well.

Hummingbird75 · 07/07/2024 18:22

What op does not seem to realise are two things:

He is not offering a single compromise that I can see, throughout this thread he has simply ignored the idea of compromise throughout and all of the solutions offered. He is not going to budge one inch. He is a deeply selfish man and this is the root of the issues they have. There is only way, his way.
Money does not buy you everything. You have spoken endlessly about money and how much money is saved etc etc. You have not spoken once about the importance of friendships, social contact, hobbies, culture, arts, music or anything that brings a human being pleasure and joy. For you, it is all about the accumulation of more and more wealth. You could not care less about your wife and her mental health and well being. Your idea is that she should shut up and get on with wasting and frittering away the next ten years of her life so you can achieve what YOU want!

You are also doing your baby dd a massive disservice by not raising her to understand that everyone has to compromise in relationships.

I pity your wife, my idea of hell would be married to a selfish money obsessed man like you with no thought for my happiness. It takes more than a SUV to be happy my friend. I hope she leaves, genuinely, and finds a fulfilled life with her baby girl and escapes the gilded cage you have forced them both into.

Original poster

conflictedhubby0622 · 07/07/2024 18:35

BreatheAndFocus · 07/07/2024 15:23

Ah, I thought so. I stand by what I say: she’s grumpy because she doesn’t see herself as a mum and sees it as inferior to her previous child-free life. She resents you; she resents her well-paid job; she resents her innocent co-workers; she automatically bats away every suggestion you make - she doesn’t want to do X but she also doesn’t want to do Y; she’s grumpy when you suggest things she might like; she’s grumpy and snappy when you try to ask her what the problems are and what she’s feeling.

I have zero idea why people here are blaming you. I know we only have your side of the story but that’s always the way with threads here. She sounds rude and ungrateful, frankly, and like she’s sulking because you can’t move. She has numerous weekends away, trips by herself to her friends in the city, holidays, a well-paid job, free childcare - and still she’s not happy.

Personal question - but how’s your relationship? Has she ever mentioned leaving you?

Edited

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I think what you said is a big part of it. I totally understand where she is coming from. Her life has changed alot once having our daughter. I have tried to accommodate this massive change as much as I can. I didn’t realize this was a UK based forum but I thonk many do not understand the the differences in culture and benefits. People dont understand how expensive American healthcare and childcare is. It would be financial suicide for us as a family to move right now. I have suggested we could look at a place about an hour away from where we are now and she has said it wouldn’t change the situation.

I cant help but think how different the responses would be if roles were reversed. If a woman came on here and said “my husband wants me to move from my entire family which provides childcare for us, wants me to give up my job I’ve had for 11 years, wants me to give up a 7 figure pension i get in less than a decade, wants me to give up free healthcare for us all, 6 weeks PTO and 30 sick days, 401k with a match that will accumulate hundreds of thousands of dollars less than if I got a new job, and wants to move to a page where our income as a household would decrease by 50k while simultaneously increasing our bills but the same amount if not more”….. heads would roll and pitchforks would be out. I also don’t understand how I’m the piece of shit partner because I don’t want to just see my daughter in weekends because my wife wants to move. Again if roles were reversed, I think responds would be very very different.

she’s not mentioned leaving me. I have told her if she’s not happy, we can go our separate ways if that’s what she wants and she will say that’s not what she wants

OP posts:

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 07/07/2024 18:36

Hummingbird75 · 07/07/2024 18:22

What op does not seem to realise are two things:

He is not offering a single compromise that I can see, throughout this thread he has simply ignored the idea of compromise throughout and all of the solutions offered. He is not going to budge one inch. He is a deeply selfish man and this is the root of the issues they have. There is only way, his way.
Money does not buy you everything. You have spoken endlessly about money and how much money is saved etc etc. You have not spoken once about the importance of friendships, social contact, hobbies, culture, arts, music or anything that brings a human being pleasure and joy. For you, it is all about the accumulation of more and more wealth. You could not care less about your wife and her mental health and well being. Your idea is that she should shut up and get on with wasting and frittering away the next ten years of her life so you can achieve what YOU want!

You are also doing your baby dd a massive disservice by not raising her to understand that everyone has to compromise in relationships.

I pity your wife, my idea of hell would be married to a selfish money obsessed man like you with no thought for my happiness. It takes more than a SUV to be happy my friend. I hope she leaves, genuinely, and finds a fulfilled life with her baby girl and escapes the gilded cage you have forced them both into.

Edited

So what exactly do you suggest ? Move to the city? Great.. and how do they make it all work childcare bill, mortgage for a similar size house that they have now(what she wants) , expenses, holidays (if she still wants them), good health insurance and retirement plans for the future etc?

Millions of people in the US go bankrupt simply by getting sick or having an accident. Planning ahead and striving for financial security is a (sensible)reality for many people.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 07/07/2024 18:37

Maybe your wife has a form of post Natal depression

Hummingbird75 · 07/07/2024 19:15

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 07/07/2024 18:36

So what exactly do you suggest ? Move to the city? Great.. and how do they make it all work childcare bill, mortgage for a similar size house that they have now(what she wants) , expenses, holidays (if she still wants them), good health insurance and retirement plans for the future etc?

Millions of people in the US go bankrupt simply by getting sick or having an accident. Planning ahead and striving for financial security is a (sensible)reality for many people.

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I have already said about ten pages ago if you had read the thread.

Op has plentiful money for expensive holidays and cars, so money is not the issue here.

Op and his wife should buy a small place in the city, and his wife and baby can stay there mid week so she has access to a good job and a vibrant life. Op can meet her there both during the week I can see from his posts it is possible for him to do this, and weekends. His wife can also spend some time at the family home. This would be best of all worlds for everyone.

It allows op's wife to advance her career, accumulate savings and have a life that is worth living culturally. Don't forget he gets to walk away with all the assets so she does need to invest in her own career or she becomes even more vulnerable. He keeps his job, house and everything he wants.

It is a win win.

However op said no.

It doesn't suit him and he won't agree to it and will actively prevent his wife from accessing any kind of meaningful life and job in the city by taking court action against her. This is a veiled threat, and he knows it.

MichaelAndEagle · 07/07/2024 19:19

Hummingbird75 · 07/07/2024 19:15

I have already said about ten pages ago if you had read the thread.

Op has plentiful money for expensive holidays and cars, so money is not the issue here.

Op and his wife should buy a small place in the city, and his wife and baby can stay there mid week so she has access to a good job and a vibrant life. Op can meet her there both during the week I can see from his posts it is possible for him to do this, and weekends. His wife can also spend some time at the family home. This would be best of all worlds for everyone.

It allows op's wife to advance her career, accumulate savings and have a life that is worth living culturally. Don't forget he gets to walk away with all the assets so she does need to invest in her own career or she becomes even more vulnerable. He keeps his job, house and everything he wants.

It is a win win.

However op said no.

It doesn't suit him and he won't agree to it and will actively prevent his wife from accessing any kind of meaningful life and job in the city by taking court action against her. This is a veiled threat, and he knows it.

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This would work for a short while, but what about when the child starts school. They need to be living at one address or the other full time at that point.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 07/07/2024 19:23

@Hummingbird75 that's assuming the wife wants a "small" place in the city.

Also why should he be the one that doesn't see his kid enough?

We want men to be involved with their children and take responsibility, but at the same time they're disposable and can just be weekend dads?

Hummingbird75 · 07/07/2024 19:26

MichaelAndEagle · 07/07/2024 19:19

This would work for a short while, but what about when the child starts school. They need to be living at one address or the other full time at that point.

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The child can go to school in the city, and spend the summer in the country.

Hummingbird75 · 07/07/2024 19:29

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 07/07/2024 19:23

@Hummingbird75 that's assuming the wife wants a "small" place in the city.

Also why should he be the one that doesn't see his kid enough?

We want men to be involved with their children and take responsibility, but at the same time they're disposable and can just be weekend dads?

Millions of parents work away from home and have different arrangements! This is not unusual at all anywhere in the world.

You can be creative and enjoy both options. Op just doesn't want to.

He can see his child 4/5 times a week, that is more than many who work long hours because YES he does need to compromise!!!

You can't just leave a woman who is so desperately unhappy in an isolated place with a terrible job and a hopeless outlook for a whole decade. It is too much to expect her to give up - her entire life, a decent job and career and a happy life.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 07/07/2024 19:36

@Hummingbird75 then SHE can also compromise on location and size of house and they move somewhere half way, so he keeps he job, she commutes to the city (and enjoy some of the city life and work) and they both still get to see their child every day, still be able to use some of the family support.

Don't forget she chose this when she moved where he lived and married him. She did not choose the baby, which is the main change in their lives and her lifestyle. Not a lot she can do about that though.