Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

I think people need to stop judging so harshly as we are only seeing one side of the story here in order to get a gauge on everything we would need to get her side and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. @conflictedhubby0622 ultimately what you do is up to you between you and your wife if you want to save the marriage I would advise you work together make some sort of a plan or a compromise….where both of you are happy otherwise it’s not going to work.

She moved there , she married him(warts and all). He didn't smack her over the head and dragged her there.

The logistics don't make sense financially. Less income and support and more outgoings.

@conflictedhubby0622 can you look into moving somewhere halfway between your work and your closest city/big town?

Because of course it can't be that the woman is just in the wrong and being selfish could it.

Near bellmore/waveland/Mansfield

I read all of the updates and saw about your pension and 9 years left of work for you to secure it, and that you're happy to move at that point so that changes everything.

It only makes sense to wait 9 years and move then. You don't lose your pension, she doesn't need to live in rural Indiana forever.

That's the perfect solution.

It sounds like she misses her old job and the travel. I know you said it's not possible but why? Yes it would be hard er on you, you would have the majority of the childcare but there's wrap around care and to support her dream (and not have to move) surely it's worth considering?

This is such a difficult one. Putting the job, benefits and everything else aside, I simply wouldn’t move away to a new area because I’m happy with where I live.
If you stay where you are, your wife is unhappy. If you move to where she wants to be, you’ll be unhappy. So a compromise of some sort is needed. I think your wife should look at going back to travel nursing of some sort. Maybe even working away through the week and home at weekends rather than weeks away at a time. Is that a possibility?

Me neither tbh - but now they have a child, they are stuck within 20 miles of each (other unless court says otherwise) as neither wants to be a weekend parent

OP has said many times that it's his wife who doesn't want to be away from the baby.

conflictedhubby0622 · Today 09:11

GoFigure235 · Today 09:08
Why can't she go back to travel nursing? If your job is flexible, you can get childcare for your LO and look after her round your job while your wife is away.

she does not want to leave the baby for days at a time

Ah, I thought so. I stand by what I say: she’s grumpy because she doesn’t see herself as a mum and sees it as inferior to her previous child-free life. She resents you; she resents her well-paid job; she resents her innocent co-workers; she automatically bats away every suggestion you make - she doesn’t want to do X but she also doesn’t want to do Y; she’s grumpy when you suggest things she might like; she’s grumpy and snappy when you try to ask her what the problems are and what she’s feeling.

I have zero idea why people here are blaming you. I know we only have your side of the story but that’s always the way with threads here. She sounds rude and ungrateful, frankly, and like she’s sulking because you can’t move. She has numerous weekends away, trips by herself to her friends in the city, holidays, a well-paid job, free childcare - and still she’s not happy.

Personal question - but how’s your relationship? Has she ever mentioned leaving you?

OP - would you be prepared to get a document drawn up with a lawyer promising permission for her to move away in 9 years time even if you decide not to go to/get divorced in the meantime?

because she then might feel less trapped. Right now, she’s stuck between living in this rural location she hates - with or without you - for the next 17 years, or moving to have a better life, but without her daughter.

You are promising you can move in 9 years, but it might help to have it clearly nailed down that you can’t back out of that.

Alternatively, would you really not consider trying the commute from the nearest decide sized town /city for 6 months? Keeping your job but losing the location as the family home.

Given you won’t even try it for a few months, I’d find it hard as her to believe you that in 9 years you’ll be prepared to move from this places you’ve lived your whole life. Get it in writing that you will.

spot on

Is a big house and money worth more than your wife's happiness?

Is her unhappiness definitely, solely to do with where you live?

Ok, so looks as if between Indy and Terra Haute? Indy is only just over an hour's drive from that area, which is completely commutable. She could look for a cheap apt on the west side of Indianapolis and stay there on days she works. Wouldn't that work well in the interim? I understand what you're saying regarding the pension(Lucky!) and the vestment. As an American that lived over half of my life in the UK, and sadly back in the US for the last few years, I understand where you're at with your desire to stay the 9 years.

For the Brits: a pension in the US is not the same as in the UK. In the US, there isn't a DWP that covers pension tied to your working life. In the US, pensions are privately/company funded and tied to a specific company. And very, very rare! You must stay at that company for a specified period of time in order to receive the pension. If you quit or get fired, the pension reverts back to the company.

It sounds as if you grew up there, she didn't. As someone who's in a very similar position as your wife, I completely understand where she's coming from. Moving to a small town in the midwest can be BRUTAL and isolating. When you're not from there, people don't know you, you will always be treated like an outsider. People that are from these small, midwest towns have known each other their whole lives with established lifelong friendships. The nepotism oozes everywhere here for work opportunity. And while usually very friendly on the surface they kind of forget about your existence so are excluded from girl invites to do things. Even when you're trying your best to join clubs, hobbies, activities, your job it's the same result. Great while you're there for group activity, but unless you are lucky enough to meet someone else that's not from there, they forget about you once activity ceases. I'm currently in southwest MI in a town called St Joseph. It's a gorgeous tourist town on Lake Michigan. My Mum grew up here, left in her teens, moved back after retirement and fell ill when I'd been living in Edinburgh my adult life. I had to move here to take care of her. She has since passed and now I'm in a position that I can plan my escape from here to move to a city environment. Much more job opportunity, transplants, ex pat clubs etc. I have met a few friends here, others that aren't from here and have experienced the same exclusion and isolation that I have, but stay busy with their partners so don't see much of them. It's very depressing and isolating, horrible for mental health.

Please try and work a compromise. From your location it sounds as if there are a number of things that would work for her. If you're on that high of a salary, a cheap apartment in Indy sounds very do-able. My friends Daughter just took a job in Indy a few weeks ago and has a spectacular apartment downtown for $1600. This apartment is super high end, so your wife wouldn't even need to spend that.

don't be daft. Do you think the wife would be happy living in sub par accommodation with a hugely reduced income and no future financial security because her husband has lost his pension and well paid job? Do you think creating financial insecurity is the best thing for their daughter?

I haven’t read all the responses so not sure if going against the grain or not, but it sounds like giving up your job would be sacrificing a LOT of stability, which is the last thing I would want to do with a young family in this economic climate. I do think that really needs to be the priority at least until your daughter is school age, by which point childcare becomes a bit easier.

This might be an inaccurate stereotype, but my understanding is lots if benefits like healthcare are linked to work, so I am guessing this is also an important consideration?

In this post covid age, is it possible for your wife to find a remote working position? Maybe she can build a community around that; lots of WFH jobs also require occasional travel so this might be a good compromise?

@Yankeescot he has already offered to get her an apartmen, so she can stay and work in the city for some days each week, but she won't do it. What is he supposed to do?

I agree with you on the facts (but I’m a logical person)

I think the problem is finding out the unexpected pregnancy at 6 months. No desire to have children and no time to adjust.

The trigger is she was able to get out of the shithole for a few eeeks at a time but now the only joy of living there is gone, while ow her husband is happy as things are easier when his wife has lost all independence.

I think you’re either projecting or making up the scenario.

We often don’t have a choice where to live when work is involved. It's not like she’s isolated from family.

What about friends? Where are they? Just moving won’t necessarily make her happier.

his wife has lost all independence.

Did you miss the part where his wife is working and earning well above the typical household income for where they live?

And his wife not liking the area don't make it a shithole.

I had 9 months to plan for maternity leave and still found it difficult to adjust at the beginning. Running away wouldn’t necessarily make it easier.

9 years will come and go. Imagine the freedom after.

The choices are to pull together or pull apart. She needs to feel listened to.

He said 'things were difficult when she was travelling'- now she is no longer travelling and is tied to the house.
She 'voluntarily' signed a prenup and even begged for it to be there, lol, yeah, sure, and she sees friends a whole 2 a month, wow!

It definitely seems she was happier when she was travelling away, and reading the updates I can totally see why.

I don't udnerstand why the fact she would move to the city for a new job mean she needs to leave the baby behind, surely she could travel with the baby and sort out childcare over there, unless OP forbids her to take the baby with her?

She’s got a child. Life does change when that happens. Of course she can’t travel now (I could on maternity leave, but I imagine mine was better than what she'll get in the US). That’s life.

However, children grow and this is just a short phase in both her and his life.

What they can do is make future plans.