Divorced and childless at 33 - what now?

[Marmadoodle]

I’ve posted about the circumstances of my divorce before, it’s not pleasant, but here I am, taking therapy and starting to feel better.

I terminated a pregnancy last year because I couldn’t bear knowingly saddling a child with such a horrendous father for their whole lives (I have a very difficult relationship with my parents myself, which has been the root of much suffering in my adult life, I have now realised).

I currently live overseas for work and this is the done thing in my profession (think UN type jobs). Between postings and covid, I’ve been away since 2019z I’m due to return to London (HQ) this year and the plan was to take an easy role at home and focus hard on trying to find a partner (once I feel healed).

Despite the shit show that my personal life has been in the past few years, I’ve excelled in my current role. In recognition, I’ve been offered a role in D.C., which in my field of work, is a life-changing, career making move. The role would be the next 5 years, so I would be 38 when I return to London (no more overseas would be offered to me after that).

Despite all my colleague thinking that I’m crazy for even considering turning it down, if feel a strong hesitation. I know I would
love the job, and D.C., and it would be a huge career move, but in my mind I would be saying goodbye to the chance of family and kids for my career forever. I’m not sure that it’s worth it.

I could meet someone in the U.S, but then I’d have to settle there, and the thought of leaving London breaks my heart too (although I have no family in the UK and only a few friends, I have always been an introvert). London has been my home my whole life, although I find it a lonely city to live in.

I met my XH while overseas and he promised early on in dating that he would be happy to move to London with me in the future (and it would have been a relatively easy move for him to make), but it turned out that this was just something he was saying to reel me in early on, among his other lies and betrayals. I feel too burnt to go down the road of negotiating future permanent locations with a foreign partner again. Logic dictates that the best place to find a partner willing to settle in London is London.

D.C. is a one-time opportunity. The job will open up again in 5 years, but I will certainly be too old/not the right candidate aged 38. I love the expat lifestyle and work much more than HQ-based work.

I know I can’t have it all, but I feel so lost. What would you do.

I'd go to DC OP, just from reading what you've set out. Also I know you said it's 5 years but if you have a very strong feeling after a year to come home no one can physically stop you (not saying would be ideal)

Agree. I would also go to DC. You have no idea what might happen there re meeting someone, and they won’t be your exH.

Take the job! Your life may be taking a new turn in its fortunes. Be open to new experiences, to meeting new friends, making a new life for yourself.
The UK is no longer Great Britain - it’s had its day. The recent change of government will make no difference. USA is land of opportunities. Go girl, go!
best of luck with whatever you decide.

Take the job! You can't turn a glorious opportunity down on the basis of something that might or might not happen. You could meet someone in the US who wants to return to the UK with you. You could meet someone and your whole world and life changes to the point you don't want to return (it definitely happens!)

I'm a big believer in living for the now and letting the future take care of itself.

Well done on separating from your ex and well done on the great opportunity you've been offered.

I say take the job. Who knows when / where you might meet someone and also where that would take you. Things have a way of working out if you meet someone great.

Also I always think you are more likely to regret not doing something than doing it.

Take the DC job. You will make more friends there - ex-pat life brings more friendships and socialising opportunities than being back home. You are more likely to meet someone there. You can tackle your desire to move back to London when you are 38.

If you are concerned about fertility at 38, freeze eggs now. Take the job. Best of luck!

I’m considering freezing my egg, although I’ve read that the success rate of live births with frozen eggs is quite low and it’s an expensive technology being marketed falsely by private clinics.

im slightly surprised by some of the answers. I’ve been on Mumsnet for years and years (through two failed LT relationships). Women my age are often advised to stay with bad partners as it would otherwise be ‘too late’ to start again.

Maybe it wasn’t clear in my OP, but I really do want to start a family, but only really with a willing partner (rather than keeping my exes child or sperm donor). I can’t bear the thought of knowingly giving a child an absent father. I know it could happen anyway, and that would be life, but it’s the guilt of the prior knowledge That I couldn’t live with.

Washington DC? I'd go in a heartbeat. DC is a very international city so you might well meet a Brit, a fellow European, or even an American for whom London would be an acceptable place to settle, if you're determined that that is where you want to be.

You're doing great in your career, so don't throw that away, just because of some idea you have that London is the place to meet Mr Right. And what if, in five years time, you're in London and still haven't met someone? There are men everywhere and if you go to DC at least you'll have an adventure and further your career.

Another worry is that the older I get, the more the pool of men will diminish since the kind and stable ones will be taken. Would I not just be wasting time faffing around?

If being a mother is more important to you than a career then personally I would stay in London and get dating. Careers are exciting, but you can always go back after kids. Maybe not in the same way as before, or as exciting, but in some capacity you will. After kids my career became a distant second. I had mine at 40 and 41 after dithering for years about whether it was for me or not. I love being a mother and it’s much more fulfilling than my career. And I loved my work.

Go with the job, definitely!! Hedge your bets on what you can be certain of - a fantastic career and life opportunity - far more sensible than giving up a lifetime opportunity for 'maybe' meeting somebody in London - which would never be my first choice of location ever!!

I don't know the standard criteria for a soulmate, but I'm pretty sure I finally found mine a few years ago. At 36. After a decade-long crap marriage. And two of my closest friends are pregnant with their first babies at 40 & 42.

Don't over-think. Take all opportunities!!

Go, go, go. There are no guarantees you will meet someone in London (it is a lonely
city and you say you are an introvert). You love the expat lifestyle and it’s a ready made social circle ~ likely featuring other Brits.

You’re still young if you will be 38 in 5 years. If it’s not working in two years, think again.

I would take the job in your shoes! You might meet someone there and 38 isn't horrendously old to be starting a family...
How would you feel if you came back to London and didn't meet anyone over the next five years? Would you be regretful that you missed out on the career and didn't get any further with your family plans?

Take the job OP.
Job satisfaction is often hugely life enhancing.
The happiest women I know by far are senior career women with partners whom don't live with them.
They positively glow with life satisfaction.

Women my age are often advised to stay with bad partners as it would otherwise be ‘too late’ to start again.

I have never once seen anyone advise such a horrible idea, and I've been here a long time.

I would definitely take the job if I were you.

I wouldn't get your hopes up about meeting an eligible bachelor in London; they're a bit scarce - maybe they've all moved to D.C.? 😂

The job sounds like an amazing opportunity and I think if you don't take it, move to London and don't find a man, you'll kick yourself for the rest of your life.

You're honest in that you say you need to work on yourself and heal a bit before dating, so why not do that in D.C. there will be therapists galore there 😊

You’re assuming you will return to London and meet someone tomorrow. It may happen, it may not. You could also meet someone in DC. But putting your life on hold for maybe meeting someone in London is bonkers. Take the job. Who knows where you could end up next.

Go to DC!

plus you never really know where you’ll want to settle on the future- you might change your mind? - I was working away from my hometown (working the country ) and was planning to move abroad with my skills - (because I was 30s and single and thought I’d just go for it) I was actively not pursuing a relationship etc but then I met my now DH and fell in love and had my first kid at 40 and haven’t left where I am and don’t plan too lol.
If I hadn’t met DC I was going abroad for sure.
I always thought I’d end up abroad forever or back home . I had never considered settling elsewhere in the country but here I am ☺️

so basically go with the flow - and it all works out in the end and can your really know what that looks like now? . In Your shoes I would definitely go to DC! X

I wouldn't get your hopes up about meeting an eligible bachelor in London; they're a bit scarce - maybe they've all moved to D.C.?

My best friend is in her mid thirties and single for years. She is moving to DC after meeting her fiancé whilst there on a work trip…

Take the job. See where life takes you.

In the mean time explore your feelings further about whether you want a partner or whether you want a child. Have a think about which you want more. If you want a child, make a plan yourself and have a child. If that is something you definitely want I would encourage you not to hang all hopes on a man.

Take the job! You never know where you are going to meet someone, and ime you are more likely to form a successful relationship when the rest of your life is fulfilling and happy.

@Marmadoodle

Do not give up this opportunity on the odd chance you meet someone in London!

DC has a vibrant European expat community. And your chances of meeting someone suitable and on a same wave length is much much higher there.
In london - you’ll be one of a huge number of 30+ women looking for baby daddy partner. Just look at multiple posts people have on here.
Good luck

Take the job!!!

If by some chance you stay and have kids in the next couple of years, then you will unlikely be able to move to DC in the future.

But now you are single and childless then it’s literally the perfect time!!

You could stay here and not find a partner or you could move there and not find a partner, but at least you wouldn’t have missed out on a fantastic opportunity.

This is a no brainer for me.

I wouldn’t worry too much about finding a partner straight away, I would just have fun being in a new place and dating.

I would consider freezing your eggs to put your mind at rest though.

In london - you’ll be one of a huge number of 30+ women looking for baby daddy partner. Just look at multiple posts people have on here.

This will be even more exacerbated in D.C. My career basically consists of men with families and single women.