Divorced and childless at 33 - what now?

[Marmadoodle]

I’ve posted about the circumstances of my divorce before, it’s not pleasant, but here I am, taking therapy and starting to feel better.

I terminated a pregnancy last year because I couldn’t bear knowingly saddling a child with such a horrendous father for their whole lives (I have a very difficult relationship with my parents myself, which has been the root of much suffering in my adult life, I have now realised).

I currently live overseas for work and this is the done thing in my profession (think UN type jobs). Between postings and covid, I’ve been away since 2019z I’m due to return to London (HQ) this year and the plan was to take an easy role at home and focus hard on trying to find a partner (once I feel healed).

Despite the shit show that my personal life has been in the past few years, I’ve excelled in my current role. In recognition, I’ve been offered a role in D.C., which in my field of work, is a life-changing, career making move. The role would be the next 5 years, so I would be 38 when I return to London (no more overseas would be offered to me after that).

Despite all my colleague thinking that I’m crazy for even considering turning it down, if feel a strong hesitation. I know I would
love the job, and D.C., and it would be a huge career move, but in my mind I would be saying goodbye to the chance of family and kids for my career forever. I’m not sure that it’s worth it.

I could meet someone in the U.S, but then I’d have to settle there, and the thought of leaving London breaks my heart too (although I have no family in the UK and only a few friends, I have always been an introvert). London has been my home my whole life, although I find it a lonely city to live in.

I met my XH while overseas and he promised early on in dating that he would be happy to move to London with me in the future (and it would have been a relatively easy move for him to make), but it turned out that this was just something he was saying to reel me in early on, among his other lies and betrayals. I feel too burnt to go down the road of negotiating future permanent locations with a foreign partner again. Logic dictates that the best place to find a partner willing to settle in London is London.

D.C. is a one-time opportunity. The job will open up again in 5 years, but I will certainly be too old/not the right candidate aged 38. I love the expat lifestyle and work much more than HQ-based work.

I know I can’t have it all, but I feel so lost. What would you do.

If this is the third time this dream job has come up for you dont you think life is telling you something?
All the logic and angst in the world wouldnt make that happen.
Maybe you dont believe in karma!
None of us know what the future holds, we try to make good decisions, thats all we can do.
Take the chance being offered.. life is short.

I'd be inclined to take the job.
Bear in mind though that if you met someone in DC, they might not allowed to live in the UK, even if they were married to you. Getting in here is not as easy as it used to be.
Would you be able to stay on indefinitely in DC if you wanted to? Or is it 5 years and home? Again, I am thinking Visas and right to stay.

You are 33, you have quite a few years to meet someone and have children, many I know had a first child after 40.

From reading your posts it sounds like you want everything to fall into place in exactly the way you want. You also sound like you don't want a man to be a husband/partner but instead him to be a daddy to your child. Life isn't perfect as you very well know. You cannot guarantee that everything will fall into place as you plan. It certainly didn't for me and I found a different way forward. For now, focus on healing yourself. I'm guessing that you have to make a decision about the job no matter what. So make that decision based on the job alone. Men and babies can happen anywhere. And stop worrying about your age and having a baby. I did that myself and I should have focussed on living rather than finding a man to have a baby with. I'm now in my 40s, happily single with a child conceived with donor sperm. I found that alternative path once I reached 37 and I'm glad that I did.

You're only 33. You've got plenty of time to have a great career and have a baby. I know many on MN don't agree but it is perfectly possible to have a baby in your 40s. Looking around at my family and friends you've got a good 10 years to meet someone and have a baby. Stop panicking!

Go and do the amazing job in DC... everything will be fine. If you come back to London, you'll have missed out on a great opportunity and might as well have 'my maternal clock is ticking' stamped on your forehead. Go and live your life and let your life happen!

No advice OP. Just acknowledging how tricky life is.

Isn’t life hard being a woman?

Sorry I'm going to annoy everyone because I don't think we should give the impression there's only one option.

Op you don't sound sure. Your alternative might be to turn it down and ask for a short career break. Then apply for a job elsewhere in the UK if there are any options.

It's notoriously difficult to meet someone in London and costs are so high. If you seriously want kids by 40 this is what I'd do. Move to Manchester or Scotland, go out, enjoy hobbies, do online dating. I had a friend who decided she wanted a family in her 30s and pretty much committed to that.

Of course there's a chance it might not work or it might work but you don't like your career. Or you might need time to think.

But I'm just putting it out there as I think this is the alternative.

Maybe considering this (or hating the sound of it) will help you decide what you prefer.

Don't overthink it. Opportunity of a lifetime, and currently no real tangible reason to stay. Your reasoning is full of ifs buts and maybes. I'd grab the opportunity and go for it. Life has a funny old way of working itself out. Take the risk.

Take the job and date over there. You can always come back to London for holidays or your future hubby might be willing to move. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Take the job, you are being given a huge gift and you never know what's waiting for you there.

@Marmadoodle - I just made an account to say we’re so similar! I’m early 30s, UN deployed (but in hardship stations rather than a nice duty station like DC!) with my home base in Europe and not the UK, and never married before and been single for this entire rotation - I would take the job!! Mostly because as other people have mentioned in an international posting like that you are going to come across so many other deployed nationalities, have an interesting and varied workload (because we all know HQ is dull!!)

When going for rotations I always look at what I can (reasonably) assume VS what I can’t and looking at this -

DC has the wanted job and lifestyle you want/ like - and the man situation is unknown

London has a less interesting job / not expat lifestyle, (although it is a place you feel at home) and the man situation is also unknown.

so I would say DC has 2 out of 3 but London only has 1 out of 3

You would love the job, so take it! My DD's friend (who is a doctor) has recently frozen some of her eggs at age 32 as her relationship has ended and she is about to move for a big upgrade in her work. It's not a guarantee that they can be used but she feels it gives her a bit of a saftey net.

You never know who you might meet. Being in London is no guarantee of finding Mr. Right. Take up some hobbies if you fancy them that attract men as members (fencing, cycling etc.) do introductory courses in them or take an extramural course that interests you, so that you will be meeting people and also hopefully potential partners. You are still very young.

I sympathise because i have frequently found myself at indecision crossroads. It was freeing to realise you cannot make decisions on imaginary scenarios and future versions of yourself, you can only choose your path based on the facts you have right now.

This is the decision you THINK you have...

DC: Great job, but 5 years committment and no future husband prospects so 38 before you can even think about meeting someone or if you do meet someone they'll be a like your ex.

London: Not much to get excited about but its home, there's a flat, security, friends and suitable men who won't be like ex so its your best chance of cosy family in a couple of years.

From what i can work out, this is the decision you are ACTUALLY facing based on what you've written...

DC: An unknown but exciting new location which could provide the breathing space you need post ex and a job you'd really like to go for, which you won't actually be sentenced to so could leave in a year or 2 if it didn't work out.

London: no exciting job, no real network (and realistically what's left of it will have moved on in the 5 years you've been away or heading to the suburbs to start their own families), no garantee of finding a bloke, no particular attachment to the place from what you've written just a flat and a history.

I feel your dilema i really do but it woyld be a no brainer for me. And of course it doesn't have to be one or the other!

I would go for DC - I have dated in London and it was a shambles. Loads of catfish, men having affairs, men looking for fun and not a serious relationship. DC sounds very different with more opportunities.

Lots of people seem to be recommending that you freeze your eggs but I think this gives false hope/certainty - it is a hugely expensive procedure (you will almost certainly need more than one round to get enough eggs) and the likelihood of having a live birth is tiny.

Thank you, I’m not UN but something similar. I’ve only done hardship posts to date (and loved it), so DC would be the big step up.

I met my XH in a hardship location (conflict) and he turned out to be a very bad egg. Even if he hadn’t the hassle of constantly trying to align our careers would have taken its toll. I’m just very scared of being burnt again I guess.

This is a really helpful way of thinking about it. I do fall into the fallacy of considering imaginary future versions in my decision making - I stayed with my XH so long knowing he was a bad egg because I kept longing the imaginary idyllic future we could have together.

I think everyone agrees there's no point staying in London. But that's not your only option. I think your highest chance of settling down is elsewhere in the UK. However you've been offered an interesting job abroad. There are no guarantees of meeting someone either way. There are no guarantees of enjoying your dream job.

Most people limit their own options and only see those put in front of them.

Are there any options at all for you to move to another part of the UK and still do something worthwhile? Not saying you should but want to understand what options you have.