Divorced and childless at 33 - what now?

[Marmadoodle]

I’ve posted about the circumstances of my divorce before, it’s not pleasant, but here I am, taking therapy and starting to feel better.

I terminated a pregnancy last year because I couldn’t bear knowingly saddling a child with such a horrendous father for their whole lives (I have a very difficult relationship with my parents myself, which has been the root of much suffering in my adult life, I have now realised).

I currently live overseas for work and this is the done thing in my profession (think UN type jobs). Between postings and covid, I’ve been away since 2019z I’m due to return to London (HQ) this year and the plan was to take an easy role at home and focus hard on trying to find a partner (once I feel healed).

Despite the shit show that my personal life has been in the past few years, I’ve excelled in my current role. In recognition, I’ve been offered a role in D.C., which in my field of work, is a life-changing, career making move. The role would be the next 5 years, so I would be 38 when I return to London (no more overseas would be offered to me after that).

Despite all my colleague thinking that I’m crazy for even considering turning it down, if feel a strong hesitation. I know I would
love the job, and D.C., and it would be a huge career move, but in my mind I would be saying goodbye to the chance of family and kids for my career forever. I’m not sure that it’s worth it.

I could meet someone in the U.S, but then I’d have to settle there, and the thought of leaving London breaks my heart too (although I have no family in the UK and only a few friends, I have always been an introvert). London has been my home my whole life, although I find it a lonely city to live in.

I met my XH while overseas and he promised early on in dating that he would be happy to move to London with me in the future (and it would have been a relatively easy move for him to make), but it turned out that this was just something he was saying to reel me in early on, among his other lies and betrayals. I feel too burnt to go down the road of negotiating future permanent locations with a foreign partner again. Logic dictates that the best place to find a partner willing to settle in London is London.

D.C. is a one-time opportunity. The job will open up again in 5 years, but I will certainly be too old/not the right candidate aged 38. I love the expat lifestyle and work much more than HQ-based work.

I know I can’t have it all, but I feel so lost. What would you do.

As someone who was 33 and childless and single annnnnd had never even managed to marry.

Go to DC, once settled get on dating apps and get out there.

I am now 40 with the house and the husband and the dog annnnd the much wanted 2 kids. I wasnt sure it would happen for me and planned my life to ensure that while i tried to meet someone /gave it a good shot and actively tried... I'd have a full and good life even if i didnt and it didnt pan out.
It was maybe easier for me as i knew i didnt want kids solo.

Lingering around london hoping for the best isnt the answer

At 35 I was offered a job in NY. I had been working in London for 10 years and hadn’t met any man. I thought moving to NY would worsen my prospects of meeting someone as I didn’t have social networks in place, which I had painstakingly built up in London, so I stayed. I then met DH, who is from the EU, so I ended up living abroad even though I was in London when we met. My career prospects stayed at least the same, which was important.

in your shoes I would take the DC job. You just don’t know what will happen, who you will meet and cannot second guess what luck you may have. London is not an easy place to find a guy in my experience, or a British one. DC, with all the expat connections may weirdly be better!

A lot of people are saying the choice is to stay in London or take the job in DC, but I read the OP as you haven't actually lived in London for a while (5 years?). Perhaps think about whether you feel ready to go back to your home country, which would be completely understandable, or do you want more overseas living in a new place? I agree with others that it's best not to fixate on how to find a partner as there are no guarantees.

Do you miss living in the UK and want that again after several years away? If the idea isn't that appealing and you're doing it for purely increasing your chances of finding a suitable partner then it might not be the right decision. Conversely, do you feel excited about the idea of moving to DC? If so, perhaps it's at least worth giving it a trial run.

It’s hard to explain but it’s really very difficult to meet someone. You assume London is a big place and therefore lots of people to meet but not really. I am married with children now but I am attractive, intelligent and have a good career where I earn well, and I was single for years. The apps have made it so that everyone has options so men who you speak to are still on the look out for someone better. Go to a bar on an evening after work and people aren’t really interested in mingling with others. Also, the reality is many men in their mid 30s are in relationships so finding someone single is hard.

It could be the same in DC, but I would assume that you’ll come to London and meet someone soon after.

Travelling to DC can be done at 38 or any age. I won’t be the right candidate for this job in 5 years time. I am now.

Most jobs that require living overseas for extended periods are skewed in favour of men with trailing wives. Not so many men enjoy trailing their female partners, even if they might not admit it, and that plays out in the gender patterns you see in a large organisation like this.

Many of us do it anyway because we love it. I won’t be leaving my job, it’s one of the best things I have.

Yeah I got no interest in London despite being the same as you. Even in-person meetups people were so picky.
Moved to Manchester and boom managed to date lots of attractive guys with good jobs.
People were just less flakey!

I think it’s a bit different to meet someone abroad living and working and settled in London (as opposed to someone on a 5 year contract). The default option is that you’ll both stay, unless you mutually decide otherwise.

My DD decided to give up on finding a partner and take a new direction in her career instead. Within weeks of not looking she had met her now DH and they've been happily together ever since. You never know what's round the corner......

I’ve been away from the UK for 5 years. As o said, I don’t have strong family ties, only a few friends and I’m not homesick per se. The UK isn’t my only home country, my parents now live in their country of origin. But it seems the most default place to stay put. I’m a UK citizen, I have a job that will always ultimately be London-based and a flat in London.

@Marmadoodle what happens if you don't meet anyone? What then?

I'm 39 and single in London and it's a cesspit these days. I really wouldn't be pinning anything onto it.

I don’t know what to do. That’s why o made this thread. Despite the fact that it may seem like I’ve firmly made up my mind and I’m not open to other perspectives (I am). I think I’ve the majority of pps were arguing against DC I’d be defending that quite strongly too.

All these views have been really useful as o try to sort through my feelings.

I love being a mother and I love my career; it remains intensely fulfilling. It’s not a given that career is a ‘distant second’ - if it were, there’d be a lot of husbands changing their work post children. I suspect we have very different jobs.

OP I think you’d be mad to give up this opportunity for hypothetical future children. There are zero guarantees - London may not deliver what you want - and I would never put an interesting fulfilling life on hold. Find a partner in DC. There’s nothing magic about London when it comes to finding a partner.

Also, you have only just ended your marriage. As you say, you need time to work on yourself and heal. Making a life decision based on meeting a non existent person when you’re not ready to meet anyone does sound a bit extreme.

Im absolutely in no fit state to be taking big life decisions. But unfortunately the opportunity has come up now and both accepting and rejecting would be a big life decision, so I have no choice but to do my best to do the most sensible thing.

A child scarred for life by a father who didn’t want him/her.

Er I wasn’t scarred for life and DD is doing just fine, neither of us had/has involved fathers. Actually, I quite like being a single parent. It was hard but having to do the grunt work and a man doing the bare minimum but taking full credit, was much harder.

Even with friends whose male partners were very hands on, there still was the underlying expectation that when push came to shove the female had the ‘supportive’ role.

OP, in your shoes, I would take the job.

There are no guarantees of meeting anyone you want to be/raise children with anywhere.

The likelihood of the only man in the world you'd be compatible with turning up on your doorstep in London the day after you moved for your job is unfathomably small.

You could.meet anyone anywhere and not just at work or through work

I've been with my partner for 3 years. He grew up half an hour away from me in an area I had never been to. I met him through a hobby but I would never have done the hobby if it weren't for a series of choices I made after my life fell apart 12 years ago. If I hadn't met him, I might have met someone else or I might have met no one. All I could do along the way was make choices that were right for me at the time in the areas of my life I did have control over.

Go to dc, you never know what will happen, lots of Brits and other Europeans live there too and when in the USA there tends to be lots of social events for expats I found, might be easier to meet someone than in London!

It sounds like you have a secure job for 5 years in DC. If you are expected to live in expensive cities I assume it's well paid. I think it's easier to get donated sperm in the USA so I would go to DC and go it alone after about a year in the job.
The only advantage of London could be more generous maternity leave but I think that's possibly outweighed by getting sperm in the first place

No, but I assume you and your mother didn’t set out expecting to deprive their DC of fathers. The fathers turned out to be shit and you both did the best you could.

I’d be on UK pay (with a generous supplement for DC cost of living) and UK terms and conditions including maternity leave.

Im not keen on donor sperm at the moment, especially not at 34 when there may still be time to meet a life partner.

im slightly surprised by some of the answers. I’ve been on Mumsnet for years and years (through two failed LT relationships). Women my age are often advised to stay with bad partners as it would otherwise be ‘too late’ to start again

I have never once, ever, seen anyone on this site advising women to stay with bad partners. They are usually told to get the hell out of the bad relationship so that they have a chance of meeting someone new or to go it alone with a sperm donor.

I would also take the job.
There's no guarantee whatsoever that you will magically meet someone in London to have a family with. Then you've thrown away a great work opportunity for nothing.
There are absolutely no guarantees in life and once you start overthinking and overplanning like you are and making decisions based on some hypothetical man you might meet in London, you're heading for disappointment and dissatisfaction.
You might go to DC and meet someone there who is really great and that changes everything. They might even be from London. Who knows? I have a friend who is currently working in DC and he has just met someone out there who is from a town only 15 km away from his home town. He thought he'd never meet anyone due to the nature of his work but he has and she's great.

If you want to guarantee having a child you will need to consider a sperm donor. That's the only way. Because the whole meeting someone who is suitable and wants to be with you and wants to have family and not be an arsehole is very much luck of draw. You can do things to improve the odds but you can't guarantee it.

However, I'm getting strong vibes from your posts that you have already decided to go to London and not go to DC so I'm not sure what you are hoping to gain from your thread.

However, I'm getting strong vibes from your posts that you have already decided to go to London and not go to DC so I'm not sure what you are hoping to gain from your thread.

If I agreed instantly with everyone in this thread, would you also complain that my mind was made up and wonder what I’m hoping to gain from this thread?

Im conflicted. I’m seeking views and grateful for all of them.

I’ve lived in London most of my life but I still barely have a network. I know how it’s like with distances and seeing people rarely, but surely I just suck it up like all other Londoners ?

thank you. and with that, I bid op farewell and good luck.

I look forward to op's next thread in 2 or 5 years though- it will be an interesting read, that's for sure!