Divorced and childless at 33 - what now?

[Marmadoodle]

I’ve posted about the circumstances of my divorce before, it’s not pleasant, but here I am, taking therapy and starting to feel better.

I terminated a pregnancy last year because I couldn’t bear knowingly saddling a child with such a horrendous father for their whole lives (I have a very difficult relationship with my parents myself, which has been the root of much suffering in my adult life, I have now realised).

I currently live overseas for work and this is the done thing in my profession (think UN type jobs). Between postings and covid, I’ve been away since 2019z I’m due to return to London (HQ) this year and the plan was to take an easy role at home and focus hard on trying to find a partner (once I feel healed).

Despite the shit show that my personal life has been in the past few years, I’ve excelled in my current role. In recognition, I’ve been offered a role in D.C., which in my field of work, is a life-changing, career making move. The role would be the next 5 years, so I would be 38 when I return to London (no more overseas would be offered to me after that).

Despite all my colleague thinking that I’m crazy for even considering turning it down, if feel a strong hesitation. I know I would
love the job, and D.C., and it would be a huge career move, but in my mind I would be saying goodbye to the chance of family and kids for my career forever. I’m not sure that it’s worth it.

I could meet someone in the U.S, but then I’d have to settle there, and the thought of leaving London breaks my heart too (although I have no family in the UK and only a few friends, I have always been an introvert). London has been my home my whole life, although I find it a lonely city to live in.

I met my XH while overseas and he promised early on in dating that he would be happy to move to London with me in the future (and it would have been a relatively easy move for him to make), but it turned out that this was just something he was saying to reel me in early on, among his other lies and betrayals. I feel too burnt to go down the road of negotiating future permanent locations with a foreign partner again. Logic dictates that the best place to find a partner willing to settle in London is London.

D.C. is a one-time opportunity. The job will open up again in 5 years, but I will certainly be too old/not the right candidate aged 38. I love the expat lifestyle and work much more than HQ-based work.

I know I can’t have it all, but I feel so lost. What would you do.

In the mean time explore your feelings further about whether you want a partner or whether you want a child. Have a think about which you want more. If you want a child, make a plan yourself and have a child. If that is something you definitely want I would encourage you not to hang all hopes on a man.

As I mentioned upthread, I don’t want the child without the partner. I had the opportunity to do that when I fell pregnant with my ex last year. I can’t beat to knowingly deprive a child of their father (although I accept a father could still bugger off later and that a risk I can live with).

this is easy. take DC job. then travel regularly to London to date.

yes, thinking you can 'land a partner' as soon as you arrive in london, is laughable if it wasn't tragic. reference: millions of threads on mn about just that.

i hope i am wrong. london or no london move back, if you want a child, sperm donor is the only way you can guarantee that, at this stage. had you come on mn, many pp would have advised you to keep the pregnancy 'if it's a family' you strongly wanted.

good luck.

i hope i am wrong. london or no london move back, if you want a child, sperm donor is the only way you can guarantee that, at this stage.

Sperm donor is the only way you can guarantee this at any stage isn’t it? A 23 year old isnt guaranteed to find a partner to have kids with. For example, me at 23.

had you come on mn, many pp would have advised you to keep the pregnancy 'if it's a family' you strongly wanted.

No, there’s another thread active right now where this isn’t being advised. And anyway, I didn’t come on mumsnet about that because I knew that it was not something I was going to do. A child scarred for life by a father who didn’t want him/her and a traumatised mother.

I would personally NEVER advise someone to stay with a bad partner, though bad is subjective.

Go to DC and get some therapy as well about everything really.

Why do you think it’s exacerbated in D.C.?

There are single people everywhere and D.C.s a big place and it has lots of surrounding areas too.

Awh, definitely go to DC. Your career sounds fantastic.

Focus on finding a partner while you’re in DC! Why not?

Living in London really isn’t that important. Everyone I know who had kids in London (including myself!) ended up moving out of London before they started school. I do adore London, but I felt differently once I had kids.

If there’s a lot of expats in DC, you could do some dating events/apps specifically for expats? Or join some expat groups? You may even meet an English chap.

So many Americans would love to move to London. Plus, as others said, D.C. is a very international city. I think your odds of having it ‘all’ soonish would increase by making the move. I speak as someone who has been in similar circumstances!

Take the job!

As far as I can see, you've as much chance of meeting someone and committing to each other and having a family, here or there. But with chance, there are no guarantees, here or there!

So surely you should do the right thing career-wise, and go there!

There are single men in DC, there are British single men in DC. You can find them on dating websites, you don't have to restrict yourself to the people in your workplace.

Absolutely take the job OP! I stayed in Washington for a few days & would love the chance to explore the city more. You could spend weeks doing The Smithsonian alone! Also, I didn’t meet DH until I was 36.

I’d take the job and date seriously for husband material as soon as the plane landed!

Take the job - there’s single men in London and D.C. you can date. You’ve got as good a chance
of meeting someone in either place.
How much more disappointed will you be if you turn down the job, move back to London and still don’t meet anyone? At least if you take the job you can change your mind and then return to London. But don’t turn down a great job and adventure in the hope that there might be a man in a certain city. It’ll be much more heartbreaking.
I think there’s every chance you’ll enjoy the job, enjoy the city etc and meet someone amazing there.

I get you don’t feel this way right now but the world is you oyster!

My brother met his wife on a work trip abroad - he was only there 2 weeks! Many years later they're still together and have a child. I say go for it!

What do you think of the responses you’ve had, OP?

I know you have said you wouldn’t have a child without a father there. BUT a child alone is better than a child with a rubbish partner.

OP - bloke here

Please take the job, you will find the right partner.

It's the opposite way around for me, my DW came to the UK for work purposes 4 years ago mid 30's, and we met purely by accident.

I'd been single for 9 months and she 3 years, I was thinking about OLD, but we just randomly found each other.

She is now 38 and career orientated, she wants a child by 40, and we will make that happen. Through my eyes, she is the most wonderful person on this planet and we are so happpy together.

Longer term, we may stay in the UK, but more likely spend time between her Country and here, this was not in my life plan, but I am excited about it.

Re freezing eggs, a friend of mine's DW had it done in her early 30's and they got pregnant twice in her mid / late thirties - it took 6 attempts for 2 kids, but they did it and they are very happy.

Have faith, follow your dreams and I honestly believe the rest will happen.

Go to DC! Americans love a British accent so you'll stand out from the crowd... you'll be one in a million in the US and one of a million in UK.

I'm assuming you're not financially hard up at the moment.

So: freeze your eggs. BUT freeze some embryos with donor sperm too. They have a higher success rate than eggs alone. I know you don't want to have a donor baby NOW, but in five or ten years if Mr Right hasn't shown up, you might change your mind. If you have embryos in the freezer then you can change your mind without the ticking clock making dumb decisions for you.

Then take the job!!

This OP!
Also many people especially the cosmopolitan sort that would suit you, would be happy to move cities.

@Marmadoodle Take the job.

You could stay in London but end up not finding someone, not starting a family, not enjoying a new career path etc. You'll still be 5 years older but missed out on the DC job. London isn't the guarantee of your future happiness.

If it was me, I'd regret never accepting and trying the job far more than I'd regret taking it and resigning if it doesn't work out.

There is a clear message coming through but I think there are some contradictory opinions, and also some people have missed some crucial parts of my OP/subsequent posts.

It’s impossible to find high quality single men in London because it’s a competitive dating market, but DC isn’t?

Moving away from London is no big deal, but pps have missed the fact that the big career move to DC isn’t worth much UNLESS I come back to HQ immediately after to step up the career ladder.

Lots of people move out of London after having kids. Ok, so scratch out London in the OP and replace with UK.

Its not a given that I’ll meet someone immediately in London, but won’t it be frustrating to meet someone at the end of me tour of DC, as I’m just about to move back? At least in London I’m staying put.

Find someone in DC who will move to London, or fly back to London to date. I did both with my XH. I made it clear that I would prefer to move to London very early in dating and he wholeheartedly agreed, only to reveal that it was a dealbreaker later down the line. I also flew back and forth to see him while living elsewhere before we married and I missed very crucial aspects of his personality as a result. Essentially he was leading a double life but I didn’t know as we didn’t have mutual friends/move in the same circles.

Take the job. You're far more likely to meet someone in a small expat space, it's like university. If your whole career has been in job postings like these, you may not realise what a unique situation it is for making fast friends and relationships.

London is... Well, you might change your mind when other parts of your life are how you want it, you might want to stay in US or decide to move somewhere together.

I just feel like I would still have A job and A career in 5 years, even if it isn’t the one I could have had. I’ll still be a hard worker and hopefully would continue to impress. But I’d be making it much harder to have a family if I move AT THIS MOMENT, and once that chance is gone, it’s gone forever. The timing feels so much more crucial than when I moved countries at 18, 28 and 30. Hence I’m struggling immensely.

Fwiw I think your reasoning is very sensible, OP. I'd stay in London too.