Divorced and childless at 33 - what now?

[Marmadoodle]

I’ve posted about the circumstances of my divorce before, it’s not pleasant, but here I am, taking therapy and starting to feel better.

I terminated a pregnancy last year because I couldn’t bear knowingly saddling a child with such a horrendous father for their whole lives (I have a very difficult relationship with my parents myself, which has been the root of much suffering in my adult life, I have now realised).

I currently live overseas for work and this is the done thing in my profession (think UN type jobs). Between postings and covid, I’ve been away since 2019z I’m due to return to London (HQ) this year and the plan was to take an easy role at home and focus hard on trying to find a partner (once I feel healed).

Despite the shit show that my personal life has been in the past few years, I’ve excelled in my current role. In recognition, I’ve been offered a role in D.C., which in my field of work, is a life-changing, career making move. The role would be the next 5 years, so I would be 38 when I return to London (no more overseas would be offered to me after that).

Despite all my colleague thinking that I’m crazy for even considering turning it down, if feel a strong hesitation. I know I would
love the job, and D.C., and it would be a huge career move, but in my mind I would be saying goodbye to the chance of family and kids for my career forever. I’m not sure that it’s worth it.

I could meet someone in the U.S, but then I’d have to settle there, and the thought of leaving London breaks my heart too (although I have no family in the UK and only a few friends, I have always been an introvert). London has been my home my whole life, although I find it a lonely city to live in.

I met my XH while overseas and he promised early on in dating that he would be happy to move to London with me in the future (and it would have been a relatively easy move for him to make), but it turned out that this was just something he was saying to reel me in early on, among his other lies and betrayals. I feel too burnt to go down the road of negotiating future permanent locations with a foreign partner again. Logic dictates that the best place to find a partner willing to settle in London is London.

D.C. is a one-time opportunity. The job will open up again in 5 years, but I will certainly be too old/not the right candidate aged 38. I love the expat lifestyle and work much more than HQ-based work.

I know I can’t have it all, but I feel so lost. What would you do.

There is no reason you can’t be a mother in dc. Careers and families happen. Plus other jobs may come up over there. You need to do what’s right for you. But if you have minimal family/friends here I would see it as an opportunity. You can be introverted but meet people through work/hobbies.

OP you’ve had a lot of OP’s saying go to DC and you are fiercely defending your position to move to London. I think you know what you want to do.

Either option is a good one and while I would have said go to DC too, that is obviously not what you want.

Just because you live in London doesn’t mean you have to date in London. All the Home Counties will have eligible men etc. I used to live in Woking and would have definitely dated a London guy if I’d met a good one.

I seem to be in a tiny minority here by thinking you should stay, but looking at it logically, in order to have children within the next 5 years you’d realistically have to meet someone pretty soon to allow for timings. And that someone would want to feel that you were in it for the “long haul” too, and being a girl from another country may not give that vibe.

From my life experience, I would be putting every effort you have in increasing your chances of meeting a decent guy to have a relationship with, in order to have children, ideally before you’re 40 so that it’s not too hard to get pregnant. I think you’d be more likely to do that in the country you’d be bringing your children up in, which I assume is the U.K.

Great careers are brilliant, fulfilling things. But you’re not losing access to a career by staying in the U.K. and increasing your chances of looking for a decent man

I'd take the job. You've come out of an unhappy marriage and now you are having a panic about your future and all the unknowable variables. I think you need to give yourself a minute and try not to overthink this. The only thing that is a certainty here is that you have a job offer in DC doing something you enjoy. I don't think it's a good idea to make a decision based on whether you think London or DC has a better pool of available partners. Meeting someone you gel with can be as much down to luck than anything else and that could happen anywhere. If your next partner is not from the London then you can cross that bridge when/if you come to it. I would just try and take the pressure off yourself for now, you've got time

How do you know you won't meet someone in DC who is willing to move to UK with you, or with whom you want to stay in DC/move to his home country?

If you're worried about fertility freeze the eggs. It's a hedge. You may not need them, it may not work, but 33 year old eggs have much better odds than 40 year old eggs. You might meet someone at 38, be ready to TTC at 39. And want a 2nd child at 41

There is no guarantee you will meet someone here either. I would go to the DC and see where life takes you. I used to live with the mindset that I had to plan for certain things in life because once the chance passes it is too late. But all it did was holding me back: still no boyfriend and behind my peers career wise.

Re egg freezing, I deliberately did 1 extra round to obtain double the number of eggs my doctor recommended, to factor in potential issues in statistics.

Nobody has missed anything OP. You never said that the move wasn't worth it unless you returned to London with a bigger role. All you said was, it would be a career making move, after which you'd return to the London HQ, with no more overseas opportunities.
However, surely things could change, you could find another job in another organization, yours might change its policies, etc.

It's clear from your subsequent posts that you want to stay in London, so stay. Instead of complaining people have missed crucial bits of your post.

Deep down, you know that moving to DC is the better 'on paper' option as many have said , but you want so much to have a partner and family in London. At the end of the day nobody has a crystal ball. You could meet someone amazing or stay single forever no matter what you choose.

If as you say you'll still have a job anyway and are not that bothered I'm struggling to understand why you even started this thread. What are you wanting people to say?

Certain bits of your post really jump out at me. You say:

"I love the job, and D.C., and it would be a huge career move, but in my mind I would be saying goodbye to the chance of family and kids for my career forever. I’m not sure that it’s worth it. "

No wonder you're hesitant about going if this is what you believe. But this is a feeling not a fact. You're actually more likely to meet someone when thriving and happy at work, than compromising so you can pursue an as yet unknown partner in a city where it's notoriously brutal to date.

You say:

"I have no family in the UK and only a few friends, I have always been an introvert). London has been my home my whole life, although I find it a lonely city to live in. "

And yet you're so invested in being in London, that you're already imagining any relationship you formed in the US couldn't work as you have to move back. And yet you can't have any idea how you'll feel. It sounds like your longing for and the sense of safety London inspires, may be influenced by a prior relationship abroad that ended up being very unhappy. In actuality you find London lonely! And it really can be. You could well end up staying for many bad dates and a less exciting job, with the added 'bonus' of feeling pressured to meet someone to make up for what you gave up.

"I love the expat lifestyle and work much more than HQ-based work. "

So take this opportunity which actually doesn't foreclose on any opportunities for love and happiness. I think you should question and examine why you're so invested in London. And why your thinking is so rigid around this, If you had family in London and loads of friends you miss, I'd get it more. But you don't, what you do have is a great opportunity. Go for it,

I’m grappling with one of the most difficult decisions of my life so far, and also recovering from a very painful marriage. I’m very sorry that my thread is not to your liking.

I wanted a family more than life itself and I recognise the desperation in your posts. Go back home to London. Companies rely on employees getting addicted to the buzz, so they can take every ounce of your existence. But in the end, it's just work, and you're just a number to them. You get one life. Live it wisely.

Definitely take the job.

And freeze your eggs now. It’s no guarantee but it just gives you more options when you’re older / boosts your chances of successful IVF should you need to go down that route. I’ve just been the process at 34 - feel free to DM if you have any questions.

Jump on this opportunity. I understand loving London but this could be life-changing. More negatively, your regrets if you don't take it will probably outweigh those if you do take it.

Let me try to put it another way.
@NeonGiraffe said it very succinctly and wisely. But she's still repeating the majority of answers - go to DC. Yet you are very set against it. The difficulty, to me is that what's right 'on paper' isn't what you want.

You want a husband and children more than your career. That's clear. Even though you prefer expat based roles to HQ. You also said that the DC role is only worth it if it lands you a bigger role back in London. You're not keen on the role itself.

But, more than that, you also want very much to stay in London. If you met the man of your dreams in DC... but he didn't want to move to London.. dealbreaker!

Therefore, the main conclusion here is that it's not a family, or your career, that you want the most. It's to stay in London. Whether that's right, or wrong isn't mine or anyone else's business to judge. But if that's really what you want, then you should stay.

I will say one thing though - unless you set out to date someone who wants the same thing, you might find yourself disappointed again. Your ex sounds like a horrible man.
But the sort of person you're likely to want to date is likely to have a cosmopolitan outlook. Especially in London. You can't guarantee that they won't want to move countries, especially after Brexit, for better opportunities elsewhere. If not now, maybe in 5, 10 years.

What if you have to choose between London and a man you really loved (and who actually treated you right ??)

This is a much fairer assessment of where I’m at.

Except for one thing - I am keen on the role itself. It would be by far the more fulfilling and exciting next job for me. I know I’d love it and be great at it.

Also adding OP people change, and they change their minds. While your ex sounds like he was always a liar. It's perfectly valid for someone to settle with you, realize they don't like London after all... and then what?
Saying 'you knew I wouldn't leave London when you married me' is quite rigid really.
Maybe you just need to work out as PP said what it is you want and why.

Love
London
Career

PP on this thread are saying London is the easiest to give up.

Is it?

Response to your first paragraph- Yes, and by moving myself out of London I’d be exposing myself to this extra risk, on top of someone changing their mind about a plethora of other things.

Im not that attached to London. It’s just the extra layer of stress of trying to make a relationship work when both people are from different places that I’m trying minimise.

I did say to my ex that I wanted to move to London all through our relationship, but I would’ve moved to his country had he asked me and if we had discussed it together. Instead he pretended till the last day that we were moving to London and then packed all his things and disappeared to his own country overnight to force my hand.

Even though it is never that simple, it feels like you're having to make a decision between 1/ relationship and family and 2/ career.

On paper career wins, as there is no guarantee that in London you will meet a man and have a family and no guarantee that it won't happen in DC.

I get the feeling you want the answer to be London. If you get to the end of the 5 years in London and do not have what you want, will it have been worth it? The DC job won"t be there, but something else might? Or a change in career? You are obviously successful so other opportunities might come. If you

On the flipside, having children is not the only way to be fulfilled in life even though that might not be something you want to consider or how much it might feel it now. I'm not saying that won't come with sadness and heartache though.

I feel for you OP. It's so hard as the two options are polar opposites. But whatever you do choose I'm not sure you are completely shutting the door on the other one.

Hi OP,

I have been in a similar situation to you, and moved across the world at 32/33 for career. I was lucky to meet someone and unexpectedly settled down in the new country, and have had a baby.

I think that out of all the things you have said, husband/love and babies are the real non-negotiable. I would take the DC role, and see what life has in store for you!

OP, sometimes when I am have to choose between 2 things and I am not sure where my preference truly lies, I ask someone to give their opinion and based on their answer and my visceral response, I realise which way I'm leaning. I may agree immediately or try to justify to them why I don't agree.

You are strongly leaning to staying in London, it seems that is what you truly want. You may know logically DC makes more sense but I think London represents safety and you're trying to find a way to justify it to yourself.

It's okay to want what you want. Get a pen and some paper and make an actual pros and cons list...it's a starting point to at least clear some of the noise and all of the feedback that's buzzing in your head.

Having re-read your posts, it looks like you didn't really live together with your ex before marrying him.
And if you stay in London, you can meet someone, take your time, live together etc.
Except you're already 33. You don't have the luxury of time on your side anyway. If you met someone in DC, married and settled in the US you'd have what you wanted, just not in London.

However, I also think that, even though you say you're 'keen on the role', you say that you'd still have a job staying in London, you're not necessarily going to get a big step up when you return.

If you really can't decide

Just flip a coin... and let it decide your destiny.
Make your choice then forget the other option ever existed.

I would take the job. If you meet someone there (and I suspect you might; DC is a very unique community) you are stronger and more experienced now than you were when you met uour XH.

I myself met someone in DC and was clear from the start that I would never, ever settle there. I'd come back to London or move to my home country, would consider other parts of the UK even, but not a chance on the US. I'm a strong willed person with good boundaries though so while it would have been much easier to open discussions on me moving there I just kept it my line in the sand. You will know if a man is fobbi g you off re: moving (or marriage, or babies, or anything...your gut does tell you) you just have to not be afraid to end it once you do feel strung along. Once you know your line in the sand, and you walk away from men who can't/won't give you what you need (even ones you love) you 100% find the right one.

Agreed, op’s reasonings are well presented. I will re-read them again tomorrow- skimmed through the last posts- and comment.

i know London dating well- now married.
Had a high profile job and career so I also had to make choices; some difficult. I have a close friend working for UN in NYC (for 10 years now) -she laments the lack of dating opportunities within work and seems to be picking up some questionable guys for relationships from www that go no where.

what I can say is, if you feel you need to be in London to raise a family; then you will need to drop your standards of your london partner so you get on with it, with anyone ‘passable’. I have very very high standards combined with my wealth -(hard earned from career), I had to think out of the box. But I stuck to my must haves and examined my inner self if I really wanted child/ donor or any father? I wanted child and father. Because I was determined to find a loving partner/ father, I only stuck with my choices having also accepted the risk of not having a kid which I was happy with. I love all kids and didn’t need to give birth for that. Was lucky and had kid and loving husband but only after having also reconciled with the possibility of missing out on kid. I hope you can follow.

Do it. To be honest you probably have a better chance of meeting someone in DC than London. People are much more outgoing and you are likely to meet more people similar to yourself.
London will always be there. Don't put your life on hold

It sounds like you want permission to turn down the promotion. If that’s what you want, know that it’s fine. You are 100% allowed to prioritise your personal life.

It does stick out to me though that you love your job and are excited by the opportunity (is that right?)

Would it be possible to give it a couple of years in DC whilst aggressively dating every Englishman in town?

I’d take the job too. But I’m more career minded than romantically minded.

If you want to turn it down though, that’s perfectly okay. You have to do what makes you happy!