Divorced and childless at 33 - what now?

[Marmadoodle]

I’ve posted about the circumstances of my divorce before, it’s not pleasant, but here I am, taking therapy and starting to feel better.

I terminated a pregnancy last year because I couldn’t bear knowingly saddling a child with such a horrendous father for their whole lives (I have a very difficult relationship with my parents myself, which has been the root of much suffering in my adult life, I have now realised).

I currently live overseas for work and this is the done thing in my profession (think UN type jobs). Between postings and covid, I’ve been away since 2019z I’m due to return to London (HQ) this year and the plan was to take an easy role at home and focus hard on trying to find a partner (once I feel healed).

Despite the shit show that my personal life has been in the past few years, I’ve excelled in my current role. In recognition, I’ve been offered a role in D.C., which in my field of work, is a life-changing, career making move. The role would be the next 5 years, so I would be 38 when I return to London (no more overseas would be offered to me after that).

Despite all my colleague thinking that I’m crazy for even considering turning it down, if feel a strong hesitation. I know I would
love the job, and D.C., and it would be a huge career move, but in my mind I would be saying goodbye to the chance of family and kids for my career forever. I’m not sure that it’s worth it.

I could meet someone in the U.S, but then I’d have to settle there, and the thought of leaving London breaks my heart too (although I have no family in the UK and only a few friends, I have always been an introvert). London has been my home my whole life, although I find it a lonely city to live in.

I met my XH while overseas and he promised early on in dating that he would be happy to move to London with me in the future (and it would have been a relatively easy move for him to make), but it turned out that this was just something he was saying to reel me in early on, among his other lies and betrayals. I feel too burnt to go down the road of negotiating future permanent locations with a foreign partner again. Logic dictates that the best place to find a partner willing to settle in London is London.

D.C. is a one-time opportunity. The job will open up again in 5 years, but I will certainly be too old/not the right candidate aged 38. I love the expat lifestyle and work much more than HQ-based work.

I know I can’t have it all, but I feel so lost. What would you do.

My fear is by staying in London, you’re assuming you will meet someone and settle down but London dating is brutal. Yes you might be an amazing once in a life time catch and you could have guys falling at your feet, but the reality is the pool is huge but finding what you want in that pool is hard. My friends and I did it for years - apps, bars, events - 2 of us met our husbands through work in the end and the third also did, but when visiting DC.

Also, you have only just ended your marriage. As you say, you need time to work on yourself and heal. Making a life decision based on meeting a non existent person when you’re not ready to meet anyone does sound a bit extreme.

You have been through a lot of heart ache, and I fear staying in London looking for someone will just set you up for more disappointment instead of spending some time away from everyone in DC.

If I was your age again I would definitely go to DC. I have a friend who lives there and there’s so much to do and there’s always things going on you’ll probably meet someone while you’re there. It’s a huge area with tons of opportunities of all kinds. Don’t be like me and play it safe and end up having regrets in your 50s, do it you don’t really have much holding you back.

Sadly, life doesn't come with guarantees. You may or may not meet Mr Right wherever you live, you can't control that. But you can control whether you take that life changing, career defining move. I'd take it, and cross my fingers for my personal life to work out.

If you start the job, how awful would it be if you decided to leave after 6 months and return to London? Is there a British immigrant community there? Maybe you're not bothered about meeting someone British, but maybe they'd be more opening to returning home with you if you did decide to have kids.

The trouble is that men in their 30s are probably looking for someone a bit younger, just because it buys them time and takes off the pressure. The relationship has more time to develop at a more natural pace.

I think you’re letting your trauma of your relationship with your father, and your experience with your ex husband, lead this decision making process. That’s natural, but I think unhelpful. If you have time before making the work decision and if you haven’t already, you should get therapy on this issue. Good luck OP. There’s no wrong answer.

Agree with this 100%

Go to to DC! You are overthinking this. X

If your London based go to DC. Its notoriously difficult to meet a partner in London anyway. Might as well try elsewhere. Plus you'll be in a better mood for taking the opportunity you want.

Well done for doing so well in such difficult circumstances.

33 is still pretty young. Men in their late 30s and early 40s are perfectly happy with someone in their early 30s. I know many people who met someone in their 30s (husband a few years older) and had kids. Most mums I know had their kids age 33-41. There's still time.

Forget the family angle, would you be happy doing whatever you do in London after turning down the chance of progressing?

Put tour career first, interesting, and life experience for the next 5 years.
Within this time you will meet people and travel.
Family & partners are never a solid stable certainty as a single parent, and neither is a job.
Life.
Relax.

It sounds like you want to stay in London. You don’t need mumsnet permission to do this. You don’t have to go to USA just because the opportunity is there. It sounds like you are extremely happy where you are in London.

This IS a difficult decision. Whilst at the moment, the job is a sure thing, meeting someone and starting a family are not. However, I feel you may regret not giving yourself a chance at your ultimate dream of gaving a family in London more than the job opportunity. You are good at your role. You will get opportunities again, even with a different employer.

Move to London and do everything you can to meet someone. Even by employing a "matchmaker" if they exist. This is very common in South Asia and no reason why it wouldn't exist in London.

What if you have to choose between London and a man you really loved (and who actually treated you right ??)

I would definitely choose the man. If I was in a loving relationship now and my partner was happy to go to DC, I would do it without a second thought.

Conversely, If I was with the right man and he DIDN’T want to go to DC, I absolutely would turn it down no regrets. I already turned this job down twice at the behest of my XH. It’s very unusual for a job like this to be offered a third time.

I’m not in London, and I wouldn’t be extremely happy work and social life wise in London. Hence the conflict in my mind.

May I ask why people are emphasising how brutally hard it is to meet people in London? I have no experience of this, I’ve met previous partners through work/uni. Why would the experience be any easier in another large city? Are posters suggesting that the chances of me meeting someone are so slim at this point that I should just live life as though I will not?

I don't like the sound of a job where

• travelling to DC cannot be done after 38
• people doing it are men with families or single women.

I would look for a more equal job and less ageist job in London

I think your concern about meeting someone from elsewhere and ensuing difficulties is misplaced. The significant majority of families I know at school in Central London are from two nations. They make the right decision for their families for now. In the future they may move somewhere else.

If you are looking to date professionals in your thirties in London, I would have thought most who are single are likely to be expats. British men meeting British girls have often done it in their 20s. Dating in your 30s of course there are some single British men professionals, but a lot of those available will be those from further afield who have been having the same kind of adventures as you.

I would go to DC and be as sociable as possible. As PP have said, you can always chuck it in. But London isn’t a paradise for dating by any means.

Just go. Never turn down an opportunity in life. You are making the assumption that the possible alternative is fact and it isn't. A bird in the hand, and all that

It reads that way to me too. Most people are saying go and your response to that seems to be no. I think the response tells you a lot. Whatever you chose there is a risk you end up childless. Id you end up childless at 50 will you regret most having stayed in London or having gone to DC and wondering what could have been? Its always been a clear easy question for me, kids over carer, it's harder for people who don't have a strong underlying preference.

the plan was to take an easy role at home and focus hard on trying to find a partner (once I feel healed).

Hi @Marmadoodle this stood out to me from your original post. My personal view is that when you are trying really hard to find a partner you can come across as desperate and end up with someone unsuitable just for the sake of being with someone!
You should not be focusing on trying to find a partner, you should be focusing on living your life in a way which makes you happy! The DC job sounds like it will make you happy! When you are happy and content, you are more likely to attract other happy and content people to you.

When someone suggests you take the job you give reasons why you shouldn’t. If someone says go to London you give reasons why you shouldn’t. You clearly don’t know what to do. Both decisions have pros and cons. If you make one decision and it doesn’t go to plan you’ll always be thinking you should have made the other decision and vice versa.
Personally I’d take the job in DC. You’re assuming you’ll meet a man who will want kids if you don’t go. This is much harder than it sounds.
If being a parent is that important to you then you’ll need to decide to use a sperm donor (which you’ve said you don’t want to do).

I was just about to say this. Good luck OP.

Go for the job! Definitely the job!

I know it probably doesn't feel like it but 33 is still very young really. Go for the job and if you meet someone, you meet someone. Maybe you do and you end up settling in the States, or you move back to London with them, or you end up.living somewhere else entirely.

But it would be off the back of achieving something professionally and having great experience on your CV.

Go for the job!

I have friends trying to date in London and they hate it. I’d try DC. And freeze eggs. And give yourself 2 years jn DC. They can’t make you stay for 5! It’s not jail.