Found out he's married. And I'm pregnant.

[pregnantandanxiouss]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. New to this forum so I'm hoping this is a good place to get some advice.

I was going on dates with a guy from work for a few months. He's super private, as am I, so I had no idea he was married until another coworker casually mentioned that it'll be busy in August as the guy is off for a week to celebrate his wife's 40th.

I broke things off. He confessed the truth and told me he's been married for years. He asked me not to tell anyone and that his wife would go crazy at everyone involved. I said fine. I don't need the drama in my life and I was so embarrassed.

This was a month ago now. I wanted to just move on, live my life, let him live his, pretend this whole thing never happened..... But I've just found out that I'm pregnant.

I'm 90% sure I'm going to keep the baby. I'm 33 and have no kids. I don't feel like I can risk not going ahead with this as it may never happen and I'd regret it. I've wanted a child for years but just never met anyone. I did try with an ex some years ago but nothing after 5 cycles, then we split. I've cried tears in the past over potentially never having a child. but I never thought it would happen like this.

At the same time, I know that bringing this child into the world will potentially flip another family's life upside down. Him and his wife are both nearly 40 and have been married for years. I am going to end up essentially putting a grenade in their marriage, and those poor kids.

I have so many questions. What do I do? Can I raise this baby alone? How do I tell him? How do I tell HER? Am i selfish to go ahead with this? He is going to flip out when he finds out. Do I even tell him? Do I wait until I'm past the 12 wee mark? So much can happen between now and then right?

I'm so overwhelmed right now.

If you genuinely didn't know, I wouldn't cover for him. That's his problem, If asked, oh, it's Mark from accounts.. I didn't know he was married, and he kept that quiet. You have nothing to hide.
Of course you can do it, it won't be easy, but it's not your place to say anything to his wife, just get your own side sorted. It's only embarrassing for you if you let it be, or knew, and were OW.
There will be drama regardless just by the very nature of the relationship. Just bear in mind that the child may ask questions in 10 20 years, and you will need to be prepared for that. Can you provide financially? Although on here everyone says CM, the reality is if he doesn't cough up willingly, you are on your own. Plenty never see a penny!

@JC03745 Duh, obviously. The point is you can't 'trap' someone if they're also completely capable of making sure they wear protection

You have not put a grenade under anyone's family, he has done this by having an affair.

OP, in the kindest possible way, did you maybe get pregnant on purpose? It doesn’t seem like you’re grappling with a hard choice at all, you’re looking for validation that everything will be fine and you should go ahead.

I think it is selfish to keep the child. The kid is being brought up in less than an ideal scenario which isn't fair to them.

Yes, you may want a child but this is not the right circumstances.

I hope that your parents manage to hide any shock or disappointment that they feel, you clearly want this baby so it is NOT bad news, maybe just a little complicated. Babies come in all kinds of circumstances, and sometimes those circumstances change later, there's just no knowing. All that matters is that you want this baby!

Do you need financial support from the father?

It's absolutely fine to wait until later to tell him, or to tell him now if you want to. He knowingly had sex, and knows that pregnancy is a possible outcome. You need to start doing whatever it is that works for you (and baby) from now on.

Congratulations!

@protectoroftherealm

Oblomov24
You deliberately chose to not use protection every time you had sex. to deliberately trap him.

Why didn't the married man choose to wear protection? Or is it just the job of a woman? He trapped himself.

No. I never said he wasn't equally culpable. It takes 2 to make a baby. He should've used protection.

But so should she! She could've used protection. Or at least talked about it. In fact she should've insisted on a condom, not just for pregnancy, but std's.

She never did. She wanted this pregnancy. She deliberately did this. She tried to trap him.

Oooooh Quelle surprise. She had sex many many times over 2 months. Then she acts all surprised she's pregnant.

Oh purlease.

since you are settled on your path, I would wait to tell him until after the window for an abortion closes or you are forced to disclose the pregnancy at work, whichever comes sooner.

I would be clear that you will be filing for child maintenance so he needs to work out how he is going to handle things with his wife. In this scenario I would not agree to an informal arrangement because you will likely end up chasing him for money if he tries to keep it a secret by paying maintenance privately.

@TeaGinandFags "Don't make an immediate decision, (although I'd be fantasising about sending the good news in his wife's birthday card.)"

Why would anyone do that? What has the wife done for her life to be ruined on her birthday of all days? Why is she an object of hatred? She, her children, and the OP's unborn child are the only totally innocent parties in all this.

@Oblomov24 quelle surprise he had sex behind his wife's back for many many months without a condom and now poor old him having am ex mistress who's pregnant. How on earth did this happen?

I can't reciprocate I'm afraid. I don't do "reporting" I'm not 12.

And whilst it's clear you think this is brilliant for OP, there are many people on this thread who can see exactly what's gone on, even if you want to pretend otherwise.

It is indeed "brilliant" for OP, and that evidently is where the though process and consideration ends.

She's not bothered by the possible STD's.

I haven’t read the entire post. So many pages.

I believe most contributors are suggesting you keep the baby? Those are my thoughts too but the one thing I did think of is to be prepared for baby’s father to ask for a paternity test. He might push for it to besmirch your character?

Anyway, I wish you lots of luck and love with your little one. It’ll be hard at times but deep joy too.

Does anyone start out in "ideal" circumstances? What about those that worsen later (divorce, redundancy, parental illness)? This kid has a loving parent, and what sounds like supportive extended family. I think it sounds like a decent start in life.

Who said they didn't use protection?

At 33 you still have time to meet someone and have a happy family with two loving parents. I had a termination previously with a baby whose father was a dick and I’m now happily married and expecting, I have no regrets about that termination.

This really does not seem like a good situation to bring a child into. I personally see my termination as sort of an act of love, to give my child the best life possible and stop one being brought into a bad situation. I was putting the right for my child to have a good life above my desire for a child.

If you’ve made your decision (and it sounds like you have) then I’d wait until 16 weeks then tell him.

You need to only tell him, what he decides to tell his wife or not is up to him.

You behaved with integrity and honour, he didn’t. He deceived you and his wife, you’ve done nothing wrong.

He absolutely has to provide financial support.

Congratulations on your baby OP. ❤️

It's not your fault if you didn't know he was married. You should do what you want. I wouldn't be in a rush to volunteer information.
Only you know if you want child support from him but it might not be worth the aggro.

Congratulations you’ve longed for a baby this is good news. The situation might not be as bad as you are worrying, but it’s his problem. Hopefully he’ll still step up as a dad. Being a single mum looks so tough but worth it

OP, you sound like you're in the glowy, excited, "yay, I'm pregnant", love is all around phase (hormones don't help!). The focus is on how you will feel and you're acknowledging that your parents may be disappointed (I'm sure they won't be, just concerned at the situation).
I think it would be sensible to have a conversation with him sooner rather than later to get a gauge on what the reality would be (provided you do it safely and he's not the violent type...). As horrible as it would be to hear the rejection if it comes, it's an important fact to consider - at the moment you are speculating as to his reaction.
And whilst you might never want to stop him being in the child's life, you can't make him start wanting to be in it either.

And other people loving your child doesn't mean they will be helping you with night feeds, school runs or picking up the slack. They may well do - but love isn't a fix-all and it is not the only thing a child needs to thrive.

Actually, it kind of is that simple when they were dating and had consenting sex. She wasn't "using him as a sperm donor", what a stupid thing to say. She was having sex with someone she thought was dating her, and only her - insteas of someone secretly married. Now she's ended up with a much longed for pregnancy.

@StopInhalingRevels I never said it was 'brilliant', i also don't think the child will be raised like a dickensian orphan