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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has Texted 🙄

476 replies

LilacButterflies · 02/07/2024 03:23

Hello!

I was in a relationship for 6 years and 2 years ago he just disappeared. We didn't live together because I have a child and I didn't want him living with us. I didn't really have any plans tbh, was just enjoying it all.

He met DD after 3 years and was actually brilliant with her, his mum and family were also lovely towards us too.

So on a Tuesday AM 2 years ago he left mine for work at 5am and it's the last time I saw him.

I realised at around lunchtime that I had been blocked. I got a txt that night from his best friend saying:
"* has dumped you. Do not attempt to contact him across ANY channels or his family or friends!!!!!!!"

I didn't try to BTW, I was too embarrassed. I just deleted his number and avoided his area as best as I could.

Anyway roll on to work this arvo and I get this message:

Him: "Hey me how are you? How's DD?"

Me: "sorry who's this? I don't have your number in my contacts"

Him: Ben.

I haven't replied and just deleted his message but shit after 2 years and the way i was dumped it was so unexpected.

My friends think I should have replied.

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 05/07/2024 22:04

@LilacButterflies while I know it’s best to have the moral high ground, I think I’d have to say something like “so you think you have the right to contact me after blocking me and getting your mate to dump me/ tell me not to contact you no matter what … absolutely priceless, blocked, goodbye”

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 05/07/2024 22:11

You rock OP!!! 👏🏻. How you even got past that I don’t know!! I’m not surprised you don’t want to speak to him or drag it up! Been there done that kinda thing!! But you defo rock! You can walk away from this smiling that you’re where you are now mentally and he’s driving himself batshit crazy cos you aren’t interested!! Karma!! 💐💐💐

Moonshine5 · 05/07/2024 23:23

@LilacButterflies it was nice of you to drop the bridesmaid dress off after what he did to you.
Speaks volumes what a great person you are and what a-holes his friends and family were treating you in that way.

Dweetfidilove · 05/07/2024 23:47

OP's friend sounds like one of those low self-esteem women who enjoy the 'Build a Bear' types of relationship- drama-fueled and always patching shit up 😟

PottedPlantCrazy · 06/07/2024 03:16

Ben needs to know his place and stay gone.

Twunt.

Original poster
LilacButterflies · 06/07/2024 04:03

He went around to my old place yesterday 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
I had lived there since DD was a baby, so I got to know my neighbour's on one side really well and I'm still in contact with the wife.

Her husband was getting out of his car and Ben came up to him and asked where I had gone as I clearly didn't live there anymore.

The husband told Ben that we've moved to the other side of the country and I've reconciled with DDs dad 😲.

There's a huge fucking backstory with her dad, he is the reason I never want to live with a man again.
He's a police officer and is a controlling fucker and I left when I was 22 weeks pregnant.

Over a decade later he still wants us to get back together and when I moved back here he brought a house on the same street as my auntie.

I didn't tell him about Ben for 2.5 years and when I did he went fucking berserk.

He started dating one of the other nurse's at work and was a nasty cunt to her.

Weirdly he stayed away from Ben but made plenty of threats about him to me.

Oh and you won't believe the area of policing he's in.

Ben was shocked apparently but at least he won't fucking try again.

I had a full STI test after him as well, So if he's got something I thankfully didn't catch it!

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 06/07/2024 04:46

He works in a DVI unit, of course. It’s just like self-indulgent, mad fuckers becoming counselors. They love to wear superhero capes and come to the rescue. That way they have a tally of evidence on one side to disprove anything you say on the other. Fuckers. Plus they get off on the stories. No wonder Andrew Tate is so rich. What is it with cops & nurses? Siiiiigh…. Hopefully Ben is off your tail. I’m pleased that you are not back with your ex and that your Neighbour came up with that on the fly. (Might have believed it to be true, maybe ex told him to “warn him off”… Seems like the kind of stunt my copper ex would have pulled with male neighbours, married/gay/utterly disinterested wouldn’t matter.)

BarrenBachelor · 06/07/2024 05:15

She sounds like she enjoys drama in others’ lives. Is she really a friend?

crockofshite · 06/07/2024 06:13

Wow, he's really not giving up is he? Persistent fucker.

I wonder what his thought process is? Given the way he and his family behaved towards you in the past, and that you're now refusing to engage, how can he think you'd want to see him again? Mind boggling.

Maybe you should set DD father on him.

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 06/07/2024 07:04

I might talk to him, if this happened to me, because I would want to know what it is that he thought I did that was so terribly wrong, that I (or any person) deserved to be treated like that. Just for closure and to prove to myself that it was always him and not me, because no-one deserves that.

I would also ask what the best friend had to do with it, how was he involved in the decision to dump you, because who would want to dump somebody else’s girlfriend unless they were part of the reason why. Best friend would have said finish your own relationship and not got involved otherwise.

But this would also give your ex closure, an opportunity to cover the past. What you are doing now is leaving him in exactly the same position that you were in, he can’t like being left hanging not knowing and that is why he is so desperately trying to contact you. So I can understand why you have chosen to ignore him OP, you are showing him exactly what it feels like to treat someone like he treated you.

Duh · 06/07/2024 07:10

I think you’re 100% right to ignore him. Hopefully your former neighbour’s ruse will ensure he stays gone.

It’s odd he’s been so persistent. You don’t think he’s on AA and his sponsor is making him apologise to those he’s wronged? Not that you have to care of course.

CatchHimDerry · 06/07/2024 07:15

Wonder if he’s ill / dying something along those lines

You have will of steel to have not spoken to him OP!

Not that he deserves it, but I reckon if this was me and one of my twatty exes like this I’d be curious as to what they’re up to

InsiderBetty · 06/07/2024 07:20

WELL DONE OP!! I wish you and your DD a lifetime of health and happiness

paywalled · 06/07/2024 07:21

I’m guessing he wants to appease his curiosity because of OP’s dignified exit out of his life.

And when she blocked his calls, this has ruined his expectation that he could call her at any time he chose to check on what she’s doing. So his ego is now severely bruised, hence coming to her address and trying other numbers to call her.

The best approach is to keep blocking him and not to accept even one call.

LibbyL92 · 06/07/2024 07:27

One things for sure. He has obviously been living in a pit of guilt!

good!

you don’t walk out on someone like that. And ghost them. That really is the lowest of the low.

I make you absolutely right to not back down and let him have his closure. That’s all it is.

JFDIYOLO · 06/07/2024 07:36

Well done!!

You've had some godawful luck with men.

Keep your back well and truly turned on them both.

This one is after something.

He probably went off with someone else and it hasn't worked out.

He probably did the undermining thing about you, told a pack of lies to his family and friends, told them 'she's crazy', bla bla bla to excuse himself - and they believed him. Hence the best friend and sister's behaviour to you.

He's now looking for a shag, a place to stay, some money, some kind of validation from you.

The fact he cannot comprehend how his former behaviour makes this impossible shows how little he truly thinks of you and your feelings.

Ignore your friend - women can be idiots, toxic, manipulative too.

Stay single for a while.

Tweet122 · 06/07/2024 07:40

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 06/07/2024 07:04

I might talk to him, if this happened to me, because I would want to know what it is that he thought I did that was so terribly wrong, that I (or any person) deserved to be treated like that. Just for closure and to prove to myself that it was always him and not me, because no-one deserves that.

I would also ask what the best friend had to do with it, how was he involved in the decision to dump you, because who would want to dump somebody else’s girlfriend unless they were part of the reason why. Best friend would have said finish your own relationship and not got involved otherwise.

But this would also give your ex closure, an opportunity to cover the past. What you are doing now is leaving him in exactly the same position that you were in, he can’t like being left hanging not knowing and that is why he is so desperately trying to contact you. So I can understand why you have chosen to ignore him OP, you are showing him exactly what it feels like to treat someone like he treated you.

Apologies, misread your meaning!

UpThereForThinkingDownThereForDancing · 06/07/2024 07:46

Is it just me that wishes the old neighbour had said you're living your absolute best life, thriving, and no he won't say where that is... and not that you'd give back to your abusive ex. 🤔

inlandriverview · 06/07/2024 07:49

CatchHimDerry · 06/07/2024 07:15

Wonder if he’s ill / dying something along those lines

You have will of steel to have not spoken to him OP!

Not that he deserves it, but I reckon if this was me and one of my twatty exes like this I’d be curious as to what they’re up to

Nah..but so what if he is

TedIreneAndOld · 06/07/2024 08:10

Well Ben and his weird family and friend set up can fuck themselves into oblivion can't they ?

TedIreneAndOld · 06/07/2024 08:11

Also some of these posters. Who cares if he's ill or dying ? He had his twatty family and friends to help him since they seem to be his bitches

MrRydersParlourGame · 06/07/2024 08:13

LibbyL92 · 06/07/2024 07:27

One things for sure. He has obviously been living in a pit of guilt!

good!

you don’t walk out on someone like that. And ghost them. That really is the lowest of the low.

I make you absolutely right to not back down and let him have his closure. That’s all it is.

I wouldn't assume that guilt is the motivator, necessarily. It's just as possible he's looking to fall back on something familiar after another relationship or scheme has failed, that he's looking for some sort of support or so me selfish need to be met.

Either way, OP, I think you're amazing. I'm too nosy not to have listened to the voicemails but you're otherwise my role model!

Tahlbias · 06/07/2024 08:23

Aren't you a tiny bit curious as to what he wants? I know I am, but I'm just nosy 🤣

CatchHimDerry · 06/07/2024 08:25

@TedIreneAndOld who said we care if he’s ill or dying? Merely debating the possibilities like everyone else on here

Hes obviously a total knob and OP is amazing for ignoring him

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 06/07/2024 08:25

I think your “friend” has watched too many romcoms where creepy men are portrayed as the good guy.

This much contact is verging on harassment, I don’t know how the law works in the US but in the UK you would be advised to start keeping a diary of contact and also to send 1 clear message along the line “I want no contact with you, any further attempts at contact is harassment.” I think you are now living in the same city as you DD’s father, so that would make going to the police tricky, is there another division you could go to?

I did briefly wonder if there was something important that he needed to tell you - but then you don’t start a text with hey in that case.

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