I can’t help but feel disappointed by his “proposal”

[SharkSnack]

I guess I’m officially engaged to be engaged.
I’m not one for being the centre of attention, I certainly wouldn’t have wanted a big, elaborate, public proposal, but I would have liked a bit of romance and effort.
It will be the second wedding for both of us. It happened while we were laying in bed, ready to go to sleep when he came out with “this might not be the best time to mention this” (We’d just finished rude activities) “but I want us to be engaged by the end of the year. How about we go shopping for a ring over the summer?” So that’s it. That’s the proposal I’m getting, no thought or imagination. I have to pick my own engagement ring. It feels really disappointing.
I’m not really looking for advice, I guess I just wanted to offload.

As you don't want advice I won't give any.

but just repeating back his words to you, in case it has slipped your notice

"I want us to be engaged"

Riiiiiight. Does he always demand and get what he wants without any need to get input from others, in this case, you?

Me and DH just decided together, there was no down on one knee proposal until we'd picked a ring (from the Argos catalogue - sooo romantic) and we were ready to officially announce it to other people.
DD and her partner after deciding to wed, competed for the most instagrammable "surprise" proposal so they both got a turn - both were very sweet as it happens!
Maybe your DH also wants to do the flashy stuff later OP when you make it public.

We're all different. I personally think it's lovely how he did it. I'm the sort of person who'd be cringing if my partner got down on one knee and made a big song and dance about it!
When my DH proposed he pretended to be splitting up with me - and honestly it was perfect! He knows my sense of humour and how I hate big romantic gestures.
Lots of men find the whole proposal pressure quite stressful so I can see how it's easier just to have a chat about it.

Jesus wept. That’s a massive stretch.

Where is the demand?

‘I want us to be engaged’

if Op didn’t want to be engaged her response would be ‘I don’t’

Saying you want something isn’t a demand. It’s saying you want it.

Picking your own engagement ring used to be the UK norm. This idea of the guy turning up with a ring (how does he know your size?) is an import from US movies.

Ohhh I really like that, it's sweet that he wanted to have a sensible conversation and I love that you're going shopping together to pick a ring.

DH just handed me the ring box and asked if I fancied making things legal 🤣 it was my great grandmother ring and he had asked my mum for it. Apparently he asked her if she had any thoughts about styles of rings as he knows emeralds are my favourite stones and she said she had just the ring.

We had been together over a decade at that point, bought a house, got a dog and had 2 children... so it was basically putting that final "you're my forever person" in place which is all marriage means to me.

edited to add, I get it though, the idea of effort and a bit of thought is nice. My best friends fiancé did it in front of the Christmas tree on Christmas eve with their parents there who recorded and took photos, they were all clued in, she wasn't. And the photo's are beautiful.

Maybe talk to him about how he will propose once you've picked the ring. Tell him you'd like it to be a bit of a moment rather than a "well here's the ring stick it on"

My dh is not given to romantic gestures and I would have absolutely loved that proposal op!

Mine was outside a pub car park and he basically said "right shall we go for it then?". He has been the best husband though. 😄

And I would absolutely not have wanted him to choose the ring! My goodness no! He has terrible taste in jewellery. We went ring shopping together and I loved it!

What matters more in a relationship is how they behave everyday. Whether they do their fair share, how they speak to you, little gestures like helping you carry heavy stuff without being asked, bringing you a cup of tea in bed when you are tired, meeting you late at night at the airport, putting up with your eccentric cousin, taking the initiative and getting on with the evening meal when you are back late, taking turns doing the school runs and the supermarket shop and doing their own washing. That's romance to me anyway!

I’d have liked to pick my own ring. It would have been a lovely thing to do together.

Just because it's fine for others, doesn't mean you have to be fine with it.

Some of the responses remind me a lot of some threads I've seen where the woman is sad that her husband never says anything nice to her or tells her he loves her, and there's always a few that say things like 'Well words are just words aren't they?' or 'It's his actions that count' (as if the woman has to choose). Some things might not be important for some people, but that doesn't mean they're totally insignificant, or should be dismissed.

I wonder what the rest of your relationship is like. I think the reason why you find this proposal a turn-off is because of the lack of effort whatsoever in it, and that's important to you. It's important to you that a man is willing to show that he'll put himself out a bit in order to impress you or make you happy. That willingness in partners generally is important.

I also find his wording quite interesting, although it's perfectly possible that he was just not in the right state of mind after sex. Why couldn't he have asked you to marry him, like it's normally done? He might have felt that was cringey maybe, or he was afraid of you saying no to that particular question, so he just made a declaration instead and waited for you to respond.

Mine wanted me to be utterly taken by surprise, so he asked in Wickes.

🤣🤣🤣

The OP hasn't given us much detail to go on. She hasn't said how long they've been together, whether she's communicated the idea of a 'romantic proposal' or even his attitude.

If you read his words carefully, he hasn't actually proposed. He said 'i want us to be engaged by' implying... He doesn't think they are!

Sometimes I think men can't win. Romantic proposal etc get complaints about the ring. Ask like this, complaints about the lack of romance.

Maybe he's planning something romantic once they've bought the ring?

In any case r.e. other romance , a proposal isn't relevant. Birthdays etc it's obvious how a man treats you. If you don't like it, don't marry him.

I suspect it was a jokey term. Chill out and give the OP a break 🙄

Offload what?

You have a man who you adore (presumably) and adores you back and wants to be engaged and told you so in the most intimate setting when he was feeling very close and connected with you. He wants to pick the ring with you. (He said "we" didn't he...?)

I really don't see what he has done wrong.

I'm loving the stories from all of us who had less than romcom proposals!

Go and choose your ring with him. Have a nice lunch/dinner with champagne or a picnic or whatever you both enjoy doing. If the marriage works (and sending all good wishes) in 50 years you will think it was a great proposal. If it doesn't, a Disney extravaganza will be meaningless and not something you remember happily.

The " Aye ... can do" is brilliant.

Love a man of few words who knows his own mind. 😄

what demand ?
the OP could have just said “I don’t “

For the right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests’ or magistrates’; for it is God’s ordinance and not man’s; and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none; it is the Lord’s work, and we are but witnesses.

George Fox, 1669

There's the answer, OP! Become a Quaker!

I actually think that sounds lovely!

I was at a family girls night last night with my sister (62) my two nieces (29) and (32) and my nephews girlfriend (30), my nieces said they likes the off the cuff proposal in bed, my sister, nephews gf and I (56) all prefer a bit more effort, ie nice meal at home and a simple proposal, we all agreed that some of the comments on this post were unnecessary and quite bitchy towards the op.

Have to admit I love this!