I can’t help but feel disappointed by his “proposal”

[SharkSnack]

I guess I’m officially engaged to be engaged.
I’m not one for being the centre of attention, I certainly wouldn’t have wanted a big, elaborate, public proposal, but I would have liked a bit of romance and effort.
It will be the second wedding for both of us. It happened while we were laying in bed, ready to go to sleep when he came out with “this might not be the best time to mention this” (We’d just finished rude activities) “but I want us to be engaged by the end of the year. How about we go shopping for a ring over the summer?” So that’s it. That’s the proposal I’m getting, no thought or imagination. I have to pick my own engagement ring. It feels really disappointing.
I’m not really looking for advice, I guess I just wanted to offload.

DH proposed while we were washing up together, we been married 30 years this year.

I wish you were not disappointed.

The showing off expensive and sometimes in public proposal is in many cases ridiculous, I am glad your husband to be chose to do so in a low key way.

I love this proposal, it sounds so sincere compared to acting out a movie fantasy proposal. He's told you exactly what he wants, rather than some script. How lovely.

I agree
My then bf ( now dh) simply came to
me while I was cooking and said, I think it’s time we got married. Tell me what ring you would like and I will get it.
For some people this would seem to be very unromantic. However, I thought that this was the correct approach for me as I had always been a bit scared of marriage. His approach meant that I wasn’t nervous
We have been married for over twenty years and he has been a wonderful husband .
He is very romantic, it is just the proposal that may be deemed unromantic

I think thats lovely and much nicer to choose own ring.

and lovely that he wants to marry you. My DP doesn’t want to marry me!

I don't get the 'engaged to be engaged' - if you are getting married you are engaged, a ring has nothing to do with it.
But yes my husband asked me as we were sitting on his ugly rented sofa - can't remember what we were talking about but he suddenly said 'but you will marry me won't you'? We'd only known each other a couple months. I thought 'is that it'?
He later told me that he had planned to ask me on our upcoming trip to Rome, in some suitable romantic location, and I secretly really wish he'd waited and done so!

We had a conversation and decided to get married. Then he proposed with a ring on our first wedding anniversary. It was wonderful.
A conversation is sensible. More sensible than a surprise proposal

Take me back to the 13th February this year when I got engaged to my partner in an even less romantic way than this lol I have never been happier and I will treasure that moment forever, he unexpectedly died on the 28th February and I'm still heartbroken it's just so cruel and unfair. You both obviously love each other and I wish you both so much happiness in your future, don't let things like this overshadow what you both have together x

My husband got me to propose to him, in the bath on February 29. We got married the following September. I never thought of myself as engaged. I don't have an engagement ring or a wedding ring. That was about 25 years back. I hadn't been sure l believed in marriage, but I think it has worked for us - and for our children.

I'd be over the moon with that. You get to choose your own ring and he hasn't proposed, he's taken all the worry and stress away and committed to proposing by year end with your perfect ring.

My dh tried to take me ring shopping whilst saying he wasn't ready for marriage. Long story short me in tears in a shop doorway him him saying we can get married if you want to me saying no. Obviously we worked it out and he might be a cackhanded idiot but he's my cackhanded idiot.

@SharkSnack i get what you mean, seeing as he prefaced it with 'this might not be the best time to mention it'. You don't necessarily want a big dramatic proposal, but maybe one where he simply says I love you, will you marry me and at a time when you're not getting ready to go to sleep.
Ignore all the unpleasant comments, mn seems to bring out the nastiness in people. It's not immature to want a bit of effort, and after all, it will be your marriage, not the naysayers on mn.

I appreciate that you are disappointed but I do think what he said was good. Discussing the future, stating where he'd like to be. Two equals fully involved in decision making rather than deciding it all on his own then suddenly going on bended knee is good imo. That's what you want in a partner.

If you want something a bit romantic then maybe you could surprise him with something to celebrate the plan?

I'm not romantic at all so that might be totally shit advice, sorry. My own was perfect for me. We were talking about the future and one of us said something about if we're still together in a year maybe we should get married and the other said why wait? And then we got married.

I said one said and the other said because I only vaguely remember the gist of the conversation and can't remember who said what🤣

Anyway, what matters here is how you feel so maybe talk to him about romance in general? Or lead by example and be a bit romantic yourself?

I got home from work and he said ‘ we have to move be flats so I think we should get married’. Never got ring or a honeymoon but still together after nearly 60 years.

You're engaged, congratulations! Second time around for both of you, so you're not wide eyed ingenues. I think choosing your own ring is preferable, especially if you don't want the generic diamond solitaire in white gold that men seem to go for! Choosing your own is the way it used to be done. Far better.
Just focus on your future together.

Don't be so helpless! It was really lovely what he said and when he said it. Just tell him you want him to actually propose when the time comes, as it'd be a special moment for you, and he will.

Or she is not wife material for him

He has actually proposed, though, hasn't he? Anything beyond that is surely performative.

He wants to marry you. How lovely.

'engaged to be engaged' sounds, well, naff. You're engaged. Congratulations.

The whole thing is performative and the reason is that the unnecessary energy spent in rituals is a guide of long term effort. I understand why OP is disappointed.

I feel like the pp on here who love to boast about how mundane/uneventful their engagements stories were, are kind of missing the point. That was fine for them. They are/were happy with a proposal that really required zero effort in terms of thinking or planning from their partner. They enjoyed the spontaneity of the moment. Great. But what I’m hearing from a post like this is that OP would have liked some thought and effort to have gone into it, and I can’t see why that’s something to be scorned or mocked. It’s what she wants. Surely her DP should know her well enough, to know what she likes or at the very least he could have found out (by asking her friends, for example).

It’s a hugely defining moment in a relationship, so expecting a bit of effort from your partner is hardly expecting the world. As I said we’re all different and we all have different priorities. Some people want this moment to be special, others not so much. I just don’t really like the “I got nothing so why you should expect anything” vibe from these threads, feels like OP’s feelings are being invalidated.

I don't see people mocking or scorning her. I think people are trying to help her put it into perspective; you can have a loving and long term relationship without a "romantic" or particularly performative proposal.
If she makes her feelings clear, maybe her partner will do this, but it's the second time for both of them, so he possibly thought his approach was the most genuine.

I asked my then boyfriend "do you fancy getting engaged"? He thought about it for 2 mins and replied "Aye...can do" and finished supping his pint. Modest ring was chosen (that I never wear these days) and that was it. Married 23 years to the unromantic sod

And what about what he wanted from it? Why are engagements always centred around what the woman imagines in her head? It's about both people.

What if it's really important to him, that its a conversation that they both take part in?

It's really not a hugely defining moment. Especially 20 years down the line.

Do you believe everyone has to validate the Ops opinion? So only people willing to agree it was poor should post? Anything else is invalidating her?

It's not about 'I got nothing, so yiu should be happy with nothing', it's people talking about how their proposal was low key and similar but meaningful and led to a very happy marriage. It's about how romance isn't always a performance.

I'd like that too!

I actually find it very intimate and romantic ❤️

Also glad to hear that there are wonderful men out there who will treat you right. Gives me hope. 😘