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Original poster

I can’t help but feel disappointed by his “proposal”

147 replies

SharkSnack · 28/06/2024 19:40

I guess I’m officially engaged to be engaged.
I’m not one for being the centre of attention, I certainly wouldn’t have wanted a big, elaborate, public proposal, but I would have liked a bit of romance and effort.
It will be the second wedding for both of us. It happened while we were laying in bed, ready to go to sleep when he came out with “this might not be the best time to mention this” (We’d just finished rude activities) “but I want us to be engaged by the end of the year. How about we go shopping for a ring over the summer?” So that’s it. That’s the proposal I’m getting, no thought or imagination. I have to pick my own engagement ring. It feels really disappointing.
I’m not really looking for advice, I guess I just wanted to offload.

OP posts:
socks1107 · 28/06/2024 22:19

I was asked over a cup of tea one weekday evening. Second time for us too and I've always thought it sweeter than the staged proposal.
Marriage is holding strong despite the proposal and a ton of awful stuff thrown our way over seven years. The proposal is a moment in time against a strong and happy marriage

Shortfatsuit · 28/06/2024 22:21

When it's second time round for both of you, the whole "romantic proposal" would seem a bit OTT to me. You both know that it's about the marriage and not the grand proposal or the fancy wedding. What he said seems absolutely fine to me.

Bathbombin · 28/06/2024 22:22

This way is perfect - you get to choose the ring and he can still propose romantically when you get “properly” engaged. Just tell him that, at some point, you would like him to go down on one knee, preferably in a romantic, but not public, setting. I’m sure he won’t mind!

AuraBora · 28/06/2024 22:23

DaisyChain505 · 28/06/2024 19:45

He had a grown up conversation with you and communicated his thoughts and feelings. This is much more important than silly movie like proposals.

Yep agree with this. My engagement involved a discussion about wanting to get married, my mother giving DH a much loved ring from my late grandmother and then him presenting it to me on holiday- no surprise element as I knew it was coming and also we'd had a huge argument the day before!
But I really don't get the whole romantic proposal thing...actually I kind of like how your fiance did it. He sound sensible and totally serious about you..surely that's the most important thing?

ImplacableDiscernment · 28/06/2024 22:23

Sounds perfect.

IamaRevenant · 28/06/2024 22:27

I mean my proposal involved pints in Wetherspoons followed by picking up a 15 quid ring from the Cash Converters next door. So yours sounds quite nice by comparison 😅

Fs365 · 28/06/2024 22:29

The proposal sounds perfect

and you sound a bit ungrateful really

CherrySocks · 28/06/2024 22:40

I'd be fine with the 'How about we go shopping for a ring' part - sounds consultative, mutual, etc.
I'd be irritated by the 'I want us to be engaged by the end of the year' part.
'I'd like us to be engaged' would have been better, continued as - 'would you like that too?'

In terms of romance, maybe the romantic gesture will happen at the moment the ring is to be put on.

BusyMummy001 · 28/06/2024 22:52

My DH pretty much proposed the same way. “If you don’t have plans tomorrow, shall we go up to Hatton Gardens?” All the way there on the tube I wondered if I’d misinterpreted, so t wasn’t until we walked into the first jeweller I was sure! Been married 23 years (together 33 years) and he’s my rock. Had some tough times with the kids (ASD etc) so I think I’ve forgiven him the lack of romance - at the time of proposal or ever since! 🤣

Copperoliverbear · 28/06/2024 23:15

I don't see anything wrong in that you're not 18 doing it for the first time.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 28/06/2024 23:28

‘I would have liked a bit of romance and effort. ‘

Seriously , consider this. This is who you bloke is. ..if you can’t see the joy and love in spontaneity , maybe this is not the second husband for you.

beenwhereyouare · 28/06/2024 23:35

We were cuddling on the couch and he said "I know I can get a little crazy sometimes, but do you think you could put up with me for the next 25 years or so?"

It's been 45.

AnnieSnap · 28/06/2024 23:41

I think that sounds like a lovely proposal. Even it it had been more businesslike, you don’t live in the movies. Loving each other and making a commitment is the important stuff. I proposed to my DH by email. We are both very techie, so it was pretty spot on for us. We’ve been together 16 years, married for 9. We are still ‘loved-up’, so the lack of candles, or whatever it is that you would have liked, is irrelevant!

MoonintheStreet · 28/06/2024 23:49

Notellinganyone · 28/06/2024 22:11

Rude activities? Seriously!

Yes, I couldn’t marry someone who thought of sex as ‘rude activities’. Like a cross between a fourteen year old and a Carry On film.

For heaven’s sake, grow up, OP. Do you want to marry this man or not? And do you actually want someone else to buy you, without consultation, an expensive piece of jewellery you will look at on your hand every day?

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 28/06/2024 23:59

I think that is actually genuinely romantic - authentic and intimate - much more than a fancy proposal. DH did propose in a 'romantic' way but it was low-key and at home. We'd already talked about getting married and starting a family before we moved in together so knew we were on the same page! You could plan a really romantic day choosing your ring if you want that special moment/memory.

sixpiacksally · 29/06/2024 00:09

OP you've already been married once. It's a bit childish of you to refer to 'rude activities' and want a fancy proposal.

However, it doesn't sound like he's proposing, just that he wants you to pick the ring together, and maybe he's planning something else too?

Deadringer · 29/06/2024 00:11

I think you should grow up.

Mmhmmn · 29/06/2024 00:14

I think choosing your own ring and going shopping for it together is far preferable to him getting a potentially ugly one you don’t want to wear. Focus on the meaning, not the style of the approach.

ILikeBakeryStuff · 29/06/2024 02:15

The proposal reminds me of the one in ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding.’ The only difference is Ian had a ring. They were in bed and it just seemed like such a great moment. I love the idea of going ring shopping instead actually!

It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, of course. OP, if you prefer more of a show then that’s fine. I guess outside of this there is the worry is you may have different expectations as a couple. Will you be secretly disappointed and in gestures and presents?

If you like show-pony gestures and this man is more private, maybe you are not so aligned after all.

BTW, your partner can probably tell you’re disappointed.

ForGreyKoala · 29/06/2024 02:23

My DP and I had been looking at rings in a shop window, and there was one we both liked. One day we saw it on sale, and he suggested we buy it. Worked for me! Big dramatic gestures, while no doubt sweet, are really not necessary. There is a lot more to committing to someone than romance.

SandyY2K · 29/06/2024 02:36

I chose my ring.
I'm the one wearing it. He paid for it.

It wasn't an awful proposal that you got OP. He was obviously moved and probably feeling connected emotionally with the activity you engaged in and wants you to be his wife.

I can't even remember my proposal. We'd talked about getting married.

We went ring shopping and when we got back to his flat, he popped the ring out and got on one knee... but we were already getting married.

There is too much drama about elaborate proposals and gender reveals etc these days. It's madness.

Fudgetheparrot · 29/06/2024 04:58

My proposal was a bit shit (gave me a card on Valentine’s Day and said “I suppose you better have this then” and handed me my engagement ring) but at the end of the day, my husband is wonderful and I’m so happy to married to him. He might not be able to plan a romantic surprise but he will wash and brush my hair for me when I’m too
ill to do it myself and that’s more important to me

autienotnaughty · 29/06/2024 05:48

If you would prefer him to choose a ring tell him. If you want a proposal ask him to plan one. It's ok to have different approaches but it's also ok to ask for what you want

MouseMama · 29/06/2024 05:54

It sounds quite nice to me but if a traditional proposal means a lot to you just tell him that and ask him to plan something.

TemuSpecialBuy · 29/06/2024 05:55

I just don’t believe an Engagement should be a surprise so I think this is fine/good/healthy

you presumably want to marry too?
you presumably want your “ideal”/“dream” ring?
you presumably want an equal partner?

marriage is about communication- so communicate!

get the ring /go shopping and show him the types you like in summer, then tell him to get/keep the ring and surprise you with it.
if you want a specific type of proposal tell him.

i say this who got engaged in basically the same way.

I’m another one who is surprised you want all the fluff and show pony stuff on marriage 2 - simply because at this point surely you know it doesn’t matter at all/isn’t the important bit and while the engagement bit is nice it’s such a small part of building a life together

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