I can’t help but feel disappointed by his “proposal”

[SharkSnack]

I guess I’m officially engaged to be engaged.
I’m not one for being the centre of attention, I certainly wouldn’t have wanted a big, elaborate, public proposal, but I would have liked a bit of romance and effort.
It will be the second wedding for both of us. It happened while we were laying in bed, ready to go to sleep when he came out with “this might not be the best time to mention this” (We’d just finished rude activities) “but I want us to be engaged by the end of the year. How about we go shopping for a ring over the summer?” So that’s it. That’s the proposal I’m getting, no thought or imagination. I have to pick my own engagement ring. It feels really disappointing.
I’m not really looking for advice, I guess I just wanted to offload.

No it’s just the definition of what it means to get engaged.

@Changingplace yes but she hasn't said they've agreed. He said he "hoped" they'll be engaged by the end of the year :)

@DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum while I know that's the official meaning of engaged

1. we didn't have a ring
2. He hadn't proposed
3. If anyone has asked 'are you engaged?' our answer would have been no, but we have discussed whether marriage is where we want our relationship to go and any preferences on jewellery.

So I'm quite happy to accept that while I'm not in agreement with the formal definition of the word, we feel we got engaged at the point he asked me if I would marry him, with a ring, and I said yes ☺️

I think it's sweet, much more meaningful than a an elaborate show that's all fur coat and no knickers like my ex husband did the phoney bastard.

I agree but kids these days have added an extra step to the process because it’s the public Instagram version that counts, not the private agreement beforehand. 🤪 it’s a mad world.

@SpiritAdder how does that work when a) I'm 38 so clearly not a kid and b) Instagram has never seen my ring, or heard that I am engaged?

What! That's lovely!! In bed, close, intimate. He asked you so you could be involved in the decision. I definitely wanted to choose my own ring.

Hang on a minute, he didn't actually propose? Not even in an offhand way?

In that case, you're correct - you're engaged to be engaged. Since engagement is the precursor to marriage, there really should be some idea of a wedding date.

I'm not at all interested in the 'romanticism' of a proposal, and had my engagement ring made to my design. But you haven't had a proposal yet! Ask him when he wants to marry you.

So we had a similar conversation and picked a kind of timeline. I chose the ring, after visits to many jewellery shops I actually bought it online. I gave it back to him and he proposed a few months later and I was actually completely taken by surprise. It was lovely. You could do something like that?

Haven’t read the thread but I think that’s heartfelt and meaningful.

Do you want to be engaged by the end of the year? If not then run

My girlfriend said "I suppose I am not against getting married". I was on my knees a few seconds later and she said "yes" A few days later we went and chose a ring together. We have now been married for 20 years .

I think its actually more romantic and more authentic than most proposals. Most of which are staged and pre planned with both people knowing and pretending it's a surprise.

He was in bed with you, happy and content and, for what ever reason felt he needed to say it there and then before he fell asleep. That's genuine love.

And you get to pick your own ring.

my proposal.... we had a family bbq and the lock on the toilet door was broken, so we made a sign saying engaged for people to pop out..

at the end of the night, after a few drinks, and getting ready for bed, someone had writton on the sign 'not yet'

when i questioned my now hubby, showing him the sign, he smiled and said 'well are we?'

job done

I agree with you, it feels very unplanned, no thought went into this. He hasn’t considered how you would feel or got you a ring of sorts, planned a day or evening. It’s lazy and maybe you need to suggest this to him. What would your advice be to a friend with the same situation?
you deserve to feel special, if you don’t it’s ok to mention this to him. If you allow no effort now there isn’t any lower for him to drop down to.

I think that actually really lovely but then I hate performative proposals. He suggested it when he was at his most relaxed, and at a time when you close, and private. You get to choose a ring you actually like and plenty of time to choose it rather than some godawful one he’s picked in a rush.

I think it's rather sweet.

But if your main feeling is disappointment and frustration, rather than happiness and excitement, then maybe he's not the right person for you to be marrying?

It doesn't sound like you're really in tune with one another.

I thought this was pretty normal. We went ring shopping, I showed him what I liked, he got one, 'officially' proposed with it at his leisure (cough 2 days later because he could tell it was pissing me off he hadn't done it yet cough). I offered to contribute to ring too.

I proposed to DH, he agreed then we went ring shopping and he bought our wedding rings. Then we got married a month later.

I think it's lovely. You get the chance to pick your own ring.
D fiance said to me at 9am on Christmas eve, let's go into town. Me - are you mad it's Christmas eve. Him - I am taking you to *** Street (location of high end jewelers in our city) as I have a question to ask you tonight.

Well, I was up and dressed like lightning and now owner of an aquamarine and diamond ring. Getting married this Christmas one year on .

We'd been to a friends wedding and he said to me "you'd look good in a dress like that". We went to Hatton Garden to get design ideas and had the ring made (guess who paid for it on their credit card? "You put it on your card and I'll pay you back"). The idea was to get officially engaged on my birthday. Once collected, the ring sat in its box on the mantelpiece for a week until the day. Big day arrived and he was working. When he got home at lunchtime he said "put your ring on then". If that isn't romance as dead as it possibly can be.....

....and I'm sure you've guessed it, I never got paid back for the ring! I should have seen all the red flags flying, because it's been an awful marriage.

Rude activities? Seriously!

I'm with everyone else. It was lovely and genuine. Of course you want to choose your own ring. I think step away from Instagram.

I think that was sweet and natural! Much better to choose a ring together, you will have something you love, not something he hoped you would like.

It sounds lovely to me, spontaneous and genuine, Do you really want him to choose your ring?