Parents giving me the cold shoulder over house buying

[DAISYBELLAxx]

Hello. Looking for some advice if possible please...

Myself and my partner (28 and 30) are looking to buy a property. I have equity in savings from a previous property I sold, and once he sells his flat (currently on the market) he should get a good amount of equity too.

We have seen a house we both really like in Surrey (where our families both live) and are wanting to do a second viewing. The house is offers around £500,000. We plan to put down a £100,000 deposit, which will also leave us both with £20,000-£30,000 in savings each. The house needs some modernisation and renovations, so this should give us some funds to do this (although we would need to pay people as we are not good at DIY!)

We have spoken to a mortgage advisor, who says that the monthly mortgage would be around £2,000 per month. I am a teacher who takes home £2,444 per month, and my partner takes home around £2,800 per month.

We have no children currently, but plan to within the next three years. I am also not very happy in my job and plan to go self employed (dog groomer) within the next few years.

My parents are giving me a bit of a hard time every time I bring up the house. They want us to buy closer to them, as they are saying that if we have children, it will make things easier for us (especially when I plan to go self employed) which I do understand. But they have told me that if we move over 20 minutes away, we are on our own with childcare and dog care (they currently look after my dog whilst I am working). However, they do not seem to understand that when we look closer to them, the house prices are so expensive (hence the £500,000 for this house). They showed us around a family friends house at the end of their road (which is for sale for £460,000) It was quite pokey and needed so much work - it wasn't right for us.

Our requirements are that we are looking for a forever home, with plenty of space for a family to grow and a decent sized garden for our dogs and also the groom room.

My parents view is that there is cheaper housing around. There is - but it just doesn't fit what we are after. And when it is cheaper, it is further away from my parents. They have said that if we go along with this house, things will go wrong and we will not be able to pay the mortgage. They are just being very negative in general (I do understand their points and know that they are only looking out for us, but they do not understand my arguments).

Myself and my partner currently have no credit (other than my car loan which is £222 per month).

I am feeling 50/50, as I always have valued my parent's opinion. And with children coming up and a change of job, I am worried about the bills being paid. My partner reassures me that all will be fine and that this is the perfect house for us, but I am feeling unsure due to my parents views.

Any advice? Is £2,000 per month too much? I used to pay £600 for a three bedroom house, but that was back in 2019. I just don't want us to struggle but I know something has to give. Thank you. :)

On those salaries, a half a million pound house is wayyyyyyyy over your budget

I have lived in a country where interest rates, and mortgage payments, increased significantly.

Not a chance I'd take on a mortgage that size if planning to have children and go self employed.

My friend's daughter is a dog groomer. She's just returned to work after only three months maternity leave and will only be going back three days due to childcare and costs.

I appreciate teaching might not appeal anymore, but you'll be able to afford very little holiday time in comparison if you go self employed. Plus no pension, no paid sick leave.

All fine if you have a massive financial buffer in the form of a husband or wife's salary to cover mortgage and expenses, but you don't.

I really wouldn't make plans based on your parents helping with childcare. It's one thing to mind a dog which needs 1/2 walks per day but can otherwise be left to it's own devices - quite another to mind a needy infant/tornado toddler 30 years after you were last responsible for a young child.

Plenty of grandparents promise the world then find it's too taxing or realise that actually they'd like their free time back thank you very much.

If they can provide childcare then great, you'll have saved some cash - if not, then you'd have been in budget anyway. In Surrey I'd expect you to be paying £1200-1500 pm for full time nursery. I would recommend calling around and asking your local nurseries how much they charge and what's included for a taste of what your costs will be.

I agree with everyone else that the property sounds unaffordable at your current income and that you need to work out budgets and best/worst case scenarios.

If your partner left you (or died, or was unable to work etc) your salary wouldn't even cover your mortgage and car. Let alone other essentials like council tax, water, electricity, heating etc.

You're bonkers, OP.

It's a lot of your budget. While your wage currently more than covers it, and you could live OK between you on the rest, there is no way dog grooming is going to come close to your current wage. Would changing schools help, rather than a change of career?
Otherwise, you are young to aim for a forever home, especially these days. Better to do it in steps, smaller home when no DC's yet, build up more equity, then move down the line as your family expands and you earn more as careers progress.

Just to chime in - our household income is c£7k a month and I wouldn’t consider a mortgage of £2k a month. We currently pay just over £1k and that feels more than enough. We have 2 DC but no childcare to pay for (though we pay about £350 a month for dog walking!) and we aren’t flush at the end of the month by any means.

There’s no way I would consider a mortgage that big on your salaries.

I think just because a bank says you can borrow x amount means you should borrow to the top of this limit. You need to look at your income, outgoings and take into consideration all the bills you have including pension payments for you both. Having a child is expensive, child care is expensive and the costs get more as your child grows especially at the teenager/university stage.

I have a friend who built a house here with her husband in Ireland. They did not borrow the maximum for a mortgage. He did a lot of working inside the house and left certain things to be done once they had the money saved. Now 17 years later they have kids. She is a sahm.
Their mortgage payment has gone up by £400 pm due to recent interest rate rises.
She said that they were so glad they did not over borrow years ago considering the current cost of living and the cost of kids.

I would not be giving up a job in teaching to become a dog groomer either. Teaching gives a certain income, pension and time off that's family friendly and a dog groomer income would be no where near what you currently get.

The reality is that you can't afford the long term home with the big garden unless you getting into serious debt and you don't need that stress.
If your parents are willing to help out with childcare I would buy a house within 20 mins drive of them with 2/3 bed rooms that near a good primary and secondary school. Help with childcare is worth so much when your both working.
I would also get married as it gives you more legal protection especially if you have a family and reduce your hours as a teacher in time.

Yes, your parents do have a point. You are not being realistic about the costs involved to renovate and run a home like this, or the impact of a loss of a reliable wage, or the impact of children on relationships and financial security.

Put together a 5 year plan focusing on your strategies to get where you want to be. And don't have children during this time.

Educate yourself about the risks you undertake having a family and financial entanglement without the protection of a marriage contract or similar.

Consider whether parents who 'cold shoulder' you, in order to manipulate your choices, actually have your best interests in mind (or just their own).

This times a million.

And this. My DH died suddenly when I was 36 and our daughter just 2. We hadn't overstretched ourselves on our mortgage (it was less than half of your proposed one, OP!) and I had a good job. We had life insurance but it didn't pay out because my DH's condition was (unbeknownst to us at the time) genetic. I was forced to sell the house and move in with friends for a while until I found somewhere I could afford on my salary alone.

I will never, ever, ever again live somewhere I can't afford to live in on my salary alone, no matter how much I love or trust that person. It's madness.

I’m always really intrigued by posts like this. You have £5000 a month to spend after mortgage and a conservative bills estimate and aren’t flush? Where is your money going?!

I also think it’s over budget. I take home what you guys make combined plus we have my husband’s salary as a teacher and our mortgage across two flats is half of what you’re thinking of taking on. My monthly childcare costs are more than my mortgage. I feel the only reason I could comfortably have a child without family help is because I have enough spare income.

A few things to unpack here.

First things first, your combined income is small. You can’t afford a £400k mortgage and I suspect few banks will take that risk. You also have existing credit, a £200 monthly car payment that WILL be factored in when the bank score you for a mortgage.

Second thing, as a small business owner if I had a pound every time some middle class person thought “oh I’ll just setup a cheeky business” I’d be retired now. Setting up a business is extremely hard, takes years to start earning serious money and is a full commitment financially all of its own. As someone with an LMC job I’d wager you believe everything from window cleaner to indeed dog groomer is “easy peasy peasant work”. I can tell you now that nothing in the public sector will ever make you ready for a life as your own boss - it’s hard work and you have to understand so so much. Do you have an internet marketing plan plus offline? Understand how your self assessment will work? What about taking card payments or what insurance you’ll need?

Thought not!

So there you have it, a bloody stupid idea no doubt born of too many afternoons watching Channel 4 property shows. Sure, give it a go - I suspect the inevitable “my business failed and we’re being made BR next week” thread will appear with a few years.

Well we spend 5k a month net on just childcare and food.
Our bills are 1.2k and then there is the mortgage...
After that there are wild luxuries like clothes, eating or drinking out, birthday or Christmas gifts and holidays

Get married if you intend to have children and give up your job, it'll give you and your children much greater financial security unless tell us you are independently wealthy. It's not about judgement of you not being married now, it's about older women with more life experience telling you to protect yourself financially before you put yourself in a vulnerable position.

I think paying 40% of your current income to service a mortgage is crazy, even more crazy when you are planning to chuck in your current job. The only way it would be a possibly sensible option would be if your take home pay is so low because you are currently maxing out your pension and so have more flexibility than your take home pay suggests. £1500 would be a more reasonably amount, assuming your salaries are going to go up. Since you are planning to give up work then you possibly need to aim at a much lower monthly repayment.

Sorry also OP but I do agree particularly in the context of the dog grooming idea. I doubt you'd earn a decent and stable income from it.

What a horrible and bitter post.

The good thing is that you have the ability to work part time in addition to your full time job. So if you feel poor you can just take in a few animals to groom and you can have some spending money.

Do what feels right for you. But please - you should be married before you buy a house. At least have something in writing to ring fence your initial deposit. Please see a lawyer.

I think the mortgage payments alone are unaffordable on your current income before you even factor in wanting to have children and change career. £50k or so on renovations and improvements won't go very far and often if a property needs work there's more needs doing than you initially realise.

Agree the mortgage is too high. This sadly means you will possibly end up even further away from your parents, unless they are willing to stump up some cash so you are close by?
Although, the fact that they are trying their damnest to manipulate you into being closer to them, I wouldn't bank on them for childcare. They sound like people who would hold it over your head and withdraw at any given time if you are doing something that displeases them.

Please think about what the future may hold, you may end up having a disabled/unwell child and having to give up work, you/your DH could end up long term sick etc etc, you definitely need to reevaluate, ideally you need a mortgage half of that.

edited to add, I also don’t think your parents are unreasonable if they’d have to do over a 40 minute journey every day to help with childcare, that’s a lot, unless you’d be dropping kids off and picking them up which then I suppose it doesn’t matter how far away you are :)

Please don’t rely on anyone, even your parents for childcare. You just have to see the number of threads with broken childcare promises, plus you also run the risk of your parents being far too involved and hanging the threat of childcare over you if you disagree with them.

When making plans, plan to sort your own out, if you end up with free childcare bonus, but don’t rely on it,

Also ignore the comments on why buy a forever home as a first home. We did and no regrets, although we are older than you and already had DCs.

Id definitely be careful on the money side in case your hit with a big bill or mortgage payments go up.

Our house needed the most work out of all the houses we looked at, but we loved the house. We did the basics on moving in, new boiler and radiators and put a cheap b&q kitchen in. Then carpeted throughout. We did enough to live in it and over the years we’ve done a bit at a time when we’ve had the money to make it look how we like. I’m glad we didn’t spend a fortune upfront as in 8 years our circumstances have changed and our priorities have changed too. The big work we always intended on doing has been put on hold for other work we now have decided is more important to our current living situation. Basically we lost a bedroom when DH became wfh permanently and had an extra child so our priorities are now more rooms rather than a large open plan diner/kitchen. One day we will get my dream kitchen but bedroom and office space has bumped that down the list.

If you can make it work go for it. It’s good you both have back up money, we didn’t, but we managed, however we weren’t in the current financial climate.

I'm not seeing that her parents are being controlling.
It seems they have been honest about how much they would be able / willing to help with pets and with potential future childcare if OP is near, but that they won't if she is that much further away. Surely that is good to know upfront, so OP can factor it in to her choices.
Then, like everyone, the finances don't add up.
On your salaries, I don't see how you can borrow that much, but, even if you could, how would you meet the repayments if you give up your job, and / or if you have to start paying for childcare ?

I think the OP's parents are right.

@sowhen What a horrible and bitter post ???????

What is horrible and bitter about that post? It wasn’t my post but honestly anyone with a 101 of finance can see this scenario has ‘disaster pending’ plastered all over it. As I said in a previous post, it even had my kids (who work in finance yet live at home because even a minimum deposit is nowhere near enough for mortgage affordability) scratching their heads as to why/how someone could consider this feasible. But reality translates to bitter and horrible?