Parents giving me the cold shoulder over house buying

[DAISYBELLAxx]

Hello. Looking for some advice if possible please...

Myself and my partner (28 and 30) are looking to buy a property. I have equity in savings from a previous property I sold, and once he sells his flat (currently on the market) he should get a good amount of equity too.

We have seen a house we both really like in Surrey (where our families both live) and are wanting to do a second viewing. The house is offers around £500,000. We plan to put down a £100,000 deposit, which will also leave us both with £20,000-£30,000 in savings each. The house needs some modernisation and renovations, so this should give us some funds to do this (although we would need to pay people as we are not good at DIY!)

We have spoken to a mortgage advisor, who says that the monthly mortgage would be around £2,000 per month. I am a teacher who takes home £2,444 per month, and my partner takes home around £2,800 per month.

We have no children currently, but plan to within the next three years. I am also not very happy in my job and plan to go self employed (dog groomer) within the next few years.

My parents are giving me a bit of a hard time every time I bring up the house. They want us to buy closer to them, as they are saying that if we have children, it will make things easier for us (especially when I plan to go self employed) which I do understand. But they have told me that if we move over 20 minutes away, we are on our own with childcare and dog care (they currently look after my dog whilst I am working). However, they do not seem to understand that when we look closer to them, the house prices are so expensive (hence the £500,000 for this house). They showed us around a family friends house at the end of their road (which is for sale for £460,000) It was quite pokey and needed so much work - it wasn't right for us.

Our requirements are that we are looking for a forever home, with plenty of space for a family to grow and a decent sized garden for our dogs and also the groom room.

My parents view is that there is cheaper housing around. There is - but it just doesn't fit what we are after. And when it is cheaper, it is further away from my parents. They have said that if we go along with this house, things will go wrong and we will not be able to pay the mortgage. They are just being very negative in general (I do understand their points and know that they are only looking out for us, but they do not understand my arguments).

Myself and my partner currently have no credit (other than my car loan which is £222 per month).

I am feeling 50/50, as I always have valued my parent's opinion. And with children coming up and a change of job, I am worried about the bills being paid. My partner reassures me that all will be fine and that this is the perfect house for us, but I am feeling unsure due to my parents views.

Any advice? Is £2,000 per month too much? I used to pay £600 for a three bedroom house, but that was back in 2019. I just don't want us to struggle but I know something has to give. Thank you. :)

As someone who borrowed at the top of our allowance two years ago and is now massively panicking about having to pay for nursery in 18 months and am stuck being full time in a busy and stressful job, I’d thoroughly recommend not wiping out almost one of your salaries with a mortgage!

Wasn't meant to be judgemental. Just highlighting that your plans are even riskier since you have no protection of marriage. You are underestimating the amount of stress your riskier plans have the potential to bring on. I should know, have bought 3 properties and have kept them, and without fail, I regretted purchasing them in the first 3-5 years of owning them. However, since my commitment to them was permanent, I preserved and now I can say, I made excellent choices with them, although I didn't feel it at the time. I was single- so can't imagine a 'partnership' having survived that stress.

Who’s 100k is it
if it’s equal -50 -50 each then fine
but if your putting in more protect it with a deed of trust so it you split at least you will get it back

It’s especially important if not married / not planning to get married. and you have kids later to do this especially if you give up work to be a SAHM

you may not ever be able to get such a huge deposit again in the future and if the 100k is mainly your deposit you will need that to buy out your partner or buy another property

Have you read ANYthing on this thread? Including the OP's posts?! I am not super-smart or super-good at maths, and even I can work out that what the OP is planning is utterly ludicrous.

She is suggesting using more than HALF of her and her partner's income for the mortgage and car loan repayments alone. Doesn't take a financial wizard to work out that on her and her partner's income, THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK!

Her parents sound sensible, 'not controlling.'

It won’t be doable if you have kids and need to pay for childcare.

My DH earns double what i do (and a lot more than either of you) and i am needing his help to cover childcare.

I think you're living in la la land about the house.
If one of you had a serious accident you'd be in big trouble.
Buy a smaller house,give the dog grooming a go during the summer holidays.
And your parents are controlling,there's no way I'd be depending on then for any help.

No judgement, but I also think that not being married and then taking a deliberate salary cut and also having a baby AND maxing out your budget is a bit of a bad idea.

Nobody really cares about marriage unless really religious. Not other people getting g married anyway. But it does offer some protection if you have children and have to pause or slow down your career.

I'd say the same to a man btw. If he was going to quit his job to mainly care for dcs, I'd advise him to get married first

Thank you. Also what I am saying. If I wanted to be unmarried here, I would buy property- then wait 5 years. Then go self-employed, then wait another 5 years. and then have kids after 10 years. OP thinking she can do all 3 in one go (in space of 3 years), is laughable if it wasn't so serious. Your parents are spot on. I guess highlighting they can't give childcare is what is 'reachable' to make you rethink the whole thing. You have predictably jumped to accusing them of a 'cold shoulder'. Not true at all. Most pp would love to have your parents' input. I did all my investments decisions on my own.

Also take mat leave and loss of earnings into account.

And sorry I was also thinking the same thing about not being married.

Are your parents in good health? If they are unable to look after the children and dogs for whatever reason then you’re going to need a big fat financial buffer for that expense. Lots of stories on here where the parents don’t help as much as their children hope and/or they later realise that the parents can’t or amount be looking after the kids.

I posted this on your identical thread.

I think £2k a month is too large a chunk of take home to be comfortable. You would struggle to pay for FT childcare for 1DC out of that let alone if you have to pay wraparound for 1 and FT for another.

If you have no DC now and you aren't good at DIY why do you need to buy a forever home now?

I would suggest a smaller place with possibility to increase size or trade up later when you do need the space.

Is nearer to your parents further from in-laws? Are they offering child or dog care?

Reframe it like this, OP. Your parents are concerned at the level of commitment you're taking on and your plans in a very short timeframe; because they're parents, and they know the stress having a big mortgage and children puts on a relationship. Let alone one where you aren't married. .

Given your incomes, it doesn't leave you much for other costs - council tax, energy bills, water, home insurance, travel costs, saving for rainy day ...

Your parents sound very controlling and domineering. Don't let them dictate to you where you should be living. It's your life. But do sit down with a spreadsheet and figure out what is affordable - don't tie a financial millstone round your ankles.

Sorry what? You are 'needing your husband's help to pay for childcare?' Are they not his children? Is he not the father? If he is, he is not HELPING you, he is quite rightly supporting his OWN children!

!

If you haven't already, you and your partner need to do an in depth look at the budget. As other posters have said- you need to factor in council tax, food, bills, a reasonable cushion for your mortgage rate increasing and any other expenses you can think of.

Also, as a fellow unmarried person who bought a property with a partner- is your deposit protected? Have you discussed how bills and the mortgage will work? Is he going to pay proportionally more if set up your own business (as you will likely take a while to get established)? With kids on the horizon, this is even more important. I wouldn't buy anything until I'd had a thorough discussion around all of this. Do not settle for anything along the lines of 'we'll see how it goes/see at the time/play it by ear'.

The reason I raise these points is that my partner sadly lost his job during Covid. This put the burden on paying bills on me- thank god we could just about afford it all. Our savings were pretty depleted from having recently purchased the house, so we didn't have much to fall back on. Good budgeting for such an event saved us.

If you're planning a family OP, remember that maternity allowance if you're self employed is just under £700 a month. So you ideally need to save as much as possible to cover the difference between that amount and your usual salary, before having a child.

@MariaVT65

My DH earns double what i do (and a lot more than either of you) and i am needing his help to cover childcare.

His 'help'? To cover the childcare costs? For his joint child with you?

Does he really see his finances as this separate from yours despite sharing a home, life and child with you?

And does he really see childcare as fundamentally a woman's responsibility unless he decides to chip in from his big salary?

How depressing.

wow someone is on a very high horse. Calm the fuck down.

Naturally, i meant his financial help. I like to pay 50/50 as much as I can, but on this occasion for childcare, i’ve needed him to pay extra. My point also being as stated in my post, that we have and need a bigger income than op.

Jesus fucking christ why do i bother.

Not what i meant at all, everyone calm down.

You would be mad to buy a house then give up teaching to be a dog groomer. You would be giving up a steady income, maternity leave/pay and 13 weeks school holidays. I think you should have children before you give up your career.

I honestly think you have lovely parents who are honest and straight and also willing to help with childcare and dog care. This is so lovely! We don't get any help from our parents for childcare which is fine because we chose to have kids and taking care of them is our responsibility. However,I slightly envy people who have grandparents who are wiling to take part in their grandchildren's life. My grandma was a wonderful person and I spent quite a lot of time with her, absolutely the best memories of my childhood. Your mother parents are being honest and reasonable. On top of that, childcare is so expensive. £90+ for full day in Surrey. At least the ones I know.

It is likely once you start your own business you news to rely on his salary for a while. Will £2,800 be enough to cover a £2000 mortgage and bills?

This subsequent post doesn't make it any better to be honest. It's the word help that's quite jarring. He is not helping you.

It's not your parent's decision but I'd probably agree with them and look for somewhere smaller/more affordable.
How much do you think you will earn as a dog groomer? Will you be able to afford maternity leave with that high a mortgage?

Terrifying mortgage on those take homes. Expect to live a VERY frugal life and spend a lot of time stressed and trying to balance the books. Any negative changes in the economy and you could be living to balance the books. Your dream of starting a business, or comfortably supporting children would be up in smoke.