Parents giving me the cold shoulder over house buying

[DAISYBELLAxx]

Hello. Looking for some advice if possible please...

Myself and my partner (28 and 30) are looking to buy a property. I have equity in savings from a previous property I sold, and once he sells his flat (currently on the market) he should get a good amount of equity too.

We have seen a house we both really like in Surrey (where our families both live) and are wanting to do a second viewing. The house is offers around £500,000. We plan to put down a £100,000 deposit, which will also leave us both with £20,000-£30,000 in savings each. The house needs some modernisation and renovations, so this should give us some funds to do this (although we would need to pay people as we are not good at DIY!)

We have spoken to a mortgage advisor, who says that the monthly mortgage would be around £2,000 per month. I am a teacher who takes home £2,444 per month, and my partner takes home around £2,800 per month.

We have no children currently, but plan to within the next three years. I am also not very happy in my job and plan to go self employed (dog groomer) within the next few years.

My parents are giving me a bit of a hard time every time I bring up the house. They want us to buy closer to them, as they are saying that if we have children, it will make things easier for us (especially when I plan to go self employed) which I do understand. But they have told me that if we move over 20 minutes away, we are on our own with childcare and dog care (they currently look after my dog whilst I am working). However, they do not seem to understand that when we look closer to them, the house prices are so expensive (hence the £500,000 for this house). They showed us around a family friends house at the end of their road (which is for sale for £460,000) It was quite pokey and needed so much work - it wasn't right for us.

Our requirements are that we are looking for a forever home, with plenty of space for a family to grow and a decent sized garden for our dogs and also the groom room.

My parents view is that there is cheaper housing around. There is - but it just doesn't fit what we are after. And when it is cheaper, it is further away from my parents. They have said that if we go along with this house, things will go wrong and we will not be able to pay the mortgage. They are just being very negative in general (I do understand their points and know that they are only looking out for us, but they do not understand my arguments).

Myself and my partner currently have no credit (other than my car loan which is £222 per month).

I am feeling 50/50, as I always have valued my parent's opinion. And with children coming up and a change of job, I am worried about the bills being paid. My partner reassures me that all will be fine and that this is the perfect house for us, but I am feeling unsure due to my parents views.

Any advice? Is £2,000 per month too much? I used to pay £600 for a three bedroom house, but that was back in 2019. I just don't want us to struggle but I know something has to give. Thank you. :)

I'd say you can't afford this forever home at the moment.

Also, from the OP it doesn't sound like they're giving you the cold shoulder, they're just challenging your (fairly financially risky) dream-home scenario.

...Unless they're ignoring your calls or something & I missed that, sorry if so.

I am surprised that a bank would lend you so much and that you are confident that you can earn as much as a teacher while dog grooming.

As your parents have said that they won’t help with the dog or child if you live more than 20 mins away, I think that your choice are live somewhere else where your budget stretches to a great house or compromise on the forever bit and move in 5/10 years when you’ll have higher salaries so can borrow more. I think that your parents are ridiculous with the 20 min limit but it’s up to them I guess.

Honestly, it sounds like financial suicide. Maybe that’s what your parents are trying to get across? The mortgage plus your car repayment is basically coming up to HALF of your combined salaries which are not high to begin with. So, even keeping your current job/salary there is no way I’d be taking on that much debt ratio, it’s a disaster in waiting. Add onto that your desire to go self-employed as a dog groomer, business expenses, unstable/unreliable income, then irrespective of whether you swap to that or not, add possible children into the mix. Realistically, you need to factor in whether it would be affordable on one salary and the mortgage repayment alone is pretty much be full salary, so you will all be living without electricity/gas/internet and living off air. It’s madness🤷‍♀️.

We have around 2K mortgage but we earn more than double what you guys make, but still not have loads left end of the month. (We are in London though)

Rethink it, too risky.

I would buy a smaller house first. I'd love to have a 'forever home' with plenty of space and more than 1 bathroom, but that needs to wait unfortunately and we make much more than you do.

You underestimate the amount of money child costs, especially if childcare is included. For a lot of people their nursery fees are higher than their mortgage payment. We pay around 1200-1400 each month, and that's just for one child. If grandparents are offering help with childcare and you can use that money to build equity then it would be stupid not to, especially since the mortgage payment is really high for what you earn.

Honestly buy a smaller one, build equity by overpaying as much as possible and move out when children are going to be a bit older.

I'm not reading this as an "is this affordable" problem but a controlling parents issue. You're both adults and sound entirely sensible enough to make this work. Your parents are trying to control the proximity of your new home, and waving an enormous red flag at your future.

Not sure I'd be happy with those number and your future plans - but I'm not you and you may have a different risk view.

Regards parents - my parents kept their view to themselves - my IL disapproved they wanted us to do what they did climb the property ladder.

We were a decade older and already had two of our three kids different sexes I discounted what they had to say after MIL stated we should buy a two bed and second bedroom would be for their visits. DH stooped listening when we went round a slightly out of price range new build house - with to us obviously issues - - all dismissed by IL but that would have constantly daily impacted us.

They didn't warm up to the house we did buy - till we had issues burglary then later building issues then it stopped being too good for us.

If you are planning to have DC then your forever home needs to consider school catchment for primary and secondary. Have you considered that? Is it close to activities for DC or will you end up driving 40 mins to get to a softplay?

If I were you I'd buy a 2 bed close to your parents and consider it a house for the next 7 years.

We plan to put down a £100,000 deposit, which will also leave us both with £20,000-£30,000 in savings each. The house needs some modernisation and renovations, so this should give us some funds to do this (although we would need to pay people as we are not good at DIY!)

£50-60k for renovations will barely touch the sides to do renovations, especially given that you and your partner aren't capable of doing any of the work yourself. All of your savings will be gone before you even turn around.

You can barely afford this house with your current jobs, and it is doubtful you will make more than you currently do by grooming dogs.

Personally I’d find that mortgage too much. We pay £1600 a month and bring in £6.5k a month. We are looking to move and the maximum we’d go up to mortgage wise is £2k. But I’m a bit risk averse.

On the parents stuff just ignore them. It’s your house and only you know what’s right. I think they’re actually being really unfair to you.

Thank you for your opinions. It helps to hear other's points of view and I am beginning to realise that my parents do have a point. Now to break this news to my partner, who I feel will be quite disappointed. I have changed my mind so much on this, it is driving him crazy,

Partner- can you not marry first? Registry office wedding costs nothing (very little).

I am with your parents that your plans are riskier than you can see. AT least they being able to offer childcare, dog sitting whilst you go self-employed is priceless. I am afraid, only a 'porky' house is available for you. Wonder why you are not keeping your 3 bed for which you pay 600 a month.

@Kindnesspolicy Why the judgement on not being married? I don't actually want to be married...

I do agree with you about your second comment though, it is very true and we do need to re evaluate...

You both need to sit down with some spreadsheets snd work out what you can afford: best case, worst case, conservative vs risky strategies. This decision should not be made without numbers, goals, resources, assets, liabilities all being spelled out.

What renovations does it need? Can you live with it as it is for 5 years (apart from painting which surely you can do).
If you need extensions, new kitchen or bathroom or loft extension you could be talking very big numbers.

If you give up work to have kids even for a short time it makes sense to be married. There are lots of women on mumsnet who have had terrible situations develop later in life when they realise they don’t have enough protection when the relationship ends. Worth reading up on it before you have kids and buy property

Thank you @pikkumyy77 - a good idea and we need some time to think. I think we just got very carried away when the mortgage advisor told us what we were able to borrow. We also thought the laws had changed in that the banks are not able to lend more than what you are able to pay back - but ofcourse it will be too risky for us anyway with jobs and kids in the mix!

The house seems a bit iffy with your budget I think.

However, the real red flag here for me is your parents’ attitude. Ok give advice if asked, but I would say that the kind of dynamic where your parents feel entitled to ‘give you a hard time’ about major life decisions is one where yes, absolutely, make sure you are a good distance away from them and on NO ACCOUNT get involved in childcare arrangements with them.

They want you closer so it suits them. Don’t be.

I live a 4 hour drive from my parents and I’ve got 2 kids and manage just fine, so what you want to do or you’ll regret it, and if they won’t drive 20 minutes for their own daughter I think that says a lot about them.

I was about to say have you stress tested this for rate increases, losing a job and the like but pikkumyy77 has said it much better.

Oh god and yes - if you are having children and planning on altering your career around them then GET MARRIED FIRST.

I don’t think it’s judgement. Just that if you are the one who will end up reducing your income through maternity leaves/reducing work hours/covering school holidays etc then it makes financially more sense for you to be married.

It's not judgement, it's a fact - you have minimal financial protection if unmarried and split - not such an issue now with similar incomes, but it's a major issue if you are considering having no/low income, with starting out self employed. You will be financially vulnerable if you split.

Oh God yes. OP, I know people don't like the Daily Mail on here but have a good read of this

https://archive.ph/nCNhd

You would be mad to go into this level of financial commitment without being married.