Parents giving me the cold shoulder over house buying

[DAISYBELLAxx]

Hello. Looking for some advice if possible please...

Myself and my partner (28 and 30) are looking to buy a property. I have equity in savings from a previous property I sold, and once he sells his flat (currently on the market) he should get a good amount of equity too.

We have seen a house we both really like in Surrey (where our families both live) and are wanting to do a second viewing. The house is offers around £500,000. We plan to put down a £100,000 deposit, which will also leave us both with £20,000-£30,000 in savings each. The house needs some modernisation and renovations, so this should give us some funds to do this (although we would need to pay people as we are not good at DIY!)

We have spoken to a mortgage advisor, who says that the monthly mortgage would be around £2,000 per month. I am a teacher who takes home £2,444 per month, and my partner takes home around £2,800 per month.

We have no children currently, but plan to within the next three years. I am also not very happy in my job and plan to go self employed (dog groomer) within the next few years.

My parents are giving me a bit of a hard time every time I bring up the house. They want us to buy closer to them, as they are saying that if we have children, it will make things easier for us (especially when I plan to go self employed) which I do understand. But they have told me that if we move over 20 minutes away, we are on our own with childcare and dog care (they currently look after my dog whilst I am working). However, they do not seem to understand that when we look closer to them, the house prices are so expensive (hence the £500,000 for this house). They showed us around a family friends house at the end of their road (which is for sale for £460,000) It was quite pokey and needed so much work - it wasn't right for us.

Our requirements are that we are looking for a forever home, with plenty of space for a family to grow and a decent sized garden for our dogs and also the groom room.

My parents view is that there is cheaper housing around. There is - but it just doesn't fit what we are after. And when it is cheaper, it is further away from my parents. They have said that if we go along with this house, things will go wrong and we will not be able to pay the mortgage. They are just being very negative in general (I do understand their points and know that they are only looking out for us, but they do not understand my arguments).

Myself and my partner currently have no credit (other than my car loan which is £222 per month).

I am feeling 50/50, as I always have valued my parent's opinion. And with children coming up and a change of job, I am worried about the bills being paid. My partner reassures me that all will be fine and that this is the perfect house for us, but I am feeling unsure due to my parents views.

Any advice? Is £2,000 per month too much? I used to pay £600 for a three bedroom house, but that was back in 2019. I just don't want us to struggle but I know something has to give. Thank you. :)

I think you are stretching yourself too far and will be in trouble if one of you is out of work and/or you have children. I also worry about that big a commitment without being married.

I think the whole 'forever' home thing is not helpful either. Buy the home you can actually afford, perhaps near your parents while you have young children.

I am in my 50's and our housing needs have changed every 7 years or so and I am fully expecting to move again (and excited about that!).

This. ^

I despair for humanity when I read posts like this. He should not be HELPING you with childcare, he should be bloody well paying it without you going with a begging bowl to him to ask for help. Give me STRENGTH! FGS, they are his children too. As a pp said

@mupersum1

His 'help'? To cover the childcare costs? For his joint child with you?

Does he really see his finances as this separate from yours despite sharing a home, life and child with you?

And does he really see childcare as fundamentally a woman's responsibility unless he decides to chip in from his big salary?

How depressing.

It IS depressing and worrying, to read that a woman has a much higher earning husband, and she has to go cap in hand to beg for money towards him looking after his own children, because she can't afford the costs... And HE sees paying for the children/childcare as his much lower-earning wife's responsibility. And even MORE worrying - she thinks this is OK!!!

I am not on any 'high horse,' @MariaVT65 I just worry for women like you, who have a husband who has his wife exactly where he wants her. Having to ask her much higher-earning husband for money to pay towards the costs of childcare for their JOINT CHILDREN, and then feeling grateful and happy that he supporting his OWN CHILDREN!

And you can't even see anything wrong with this. This is REALLY scary and worrying!

There is literally no point in trying to tell you how wrong you are. You won't listen. I can see I have hit a very deep and raw nerve, so this is all I shall say on the matter. I wish you all the best, and lots of good luck. I feel like you need it.

Yep, OP you need to get married if you do this!

Unless you're a v high earner or have £££ more than him in investments or savings it's madness not to.

Also I'd consider if you could drop to PT and do dog grooming 1-2 days a week to get established while earning. Appreciate it's not so easy being a teacher.

I'd say £800 is not enough to cover all bills and the house it over budget even with 2 salaries.
Inflation is coming down but that's only the speed of which prices rise, food prices are unlikely to drop by an amount that would make a difference. Add in utilities, council tax, insurances and you're looking at another £400 worth of bills to cover.

I think you are overstretching yourself, there's no wiggle room if rates rise further. I imagine the council tax is quite high?

I'm not sure why people are saying you need to be married. My partner and I have been together for 20 years and owned two houses together in both our names - what's the issue?!

Many apologies that my wording was not to your liking. I am currently being woken up 20 times a night by 2 kids and am exhausted. I was just trying to help op, people ‘help’ each other. Now please get the fuck off my back.

Op, in summary, you would really struggle on those salaries to cover bills and childcare.

It's nearly half your income. Very high indeed. If you are planning children and you don't have support with childcare, that could be an extra £1-2k a month.

Then factor in self employment can be very up and down and renovations are expensive, I'd not be able to progress with what you are planning.

OMG CAN EVERYONE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU ARE READING INTO THINGS THAT AREN’ THERE

We brought a house at top of our budget.
It left us about £50 a week for food and all expenses went out. At the time food was cheaper. We managed but it was very tight
The difference was we owed a small house outright which we hadn't managed to sell before buying new home. Once the house did sell we were able to knock our mortgage right down. We also continued to over pay somewhat.

It was a worry as house sale fell through before finally selling and we had no buffer if one of us had been unable to work, or for unexpected expenses.
I wouldn't advise this to anyone as while it worked out for us we did have capital in the other house.

I too sadly think this sounds very optimistic, OP.

Very few people buy their forever house at your age, unless it is a tip and they plan a long, slow renovation (perhaps with lots of DIY).

You do really need to be mindful of how much overbudget you may go with the work that needs doing on your house, as well as childcare costs.

When applying for a mortgage, the amount they are willing to lend actually reduces if you already have children...

So yes you may be able to borrow a large amount now, but you will be absolutely maxed out, spending your savings on some renovations and then not going be be able to comfortably afford to have a child.

Plus, I doubt you will get a decent income for the first couple of years of you become self-employed as a dog groomer. I admit I've not looked into it myself but although it's a big business, it's a very saturated market

To add context to my other post. We have a similar joint income to you. No nursery anymore to pay for (was £1200 per month's a few years ago). Our mortgage borrowing and payments are half of what you are estimating yours will be.

We spend a lot on renovating and don't go without. But we do have to budget hard and make sacrifices. And that's with more disposable income that you're planning to have.

And a car of course comes with other expenses, ones you can predict like insurance, road tax, fuel, parking tickets (!) , possible MOT, but also other ones like breakdowns and expensive repairs.

And while we are talking other costs OP are you factoring into your budget council tax, household insurance, utility bills, broadband, phone bills, going out money, money to save for Christmas spending, birthdays, holidays, general saving, additional pension if you are thinking of going self employed.

I don’t think your budget stacks up, you and your partner have built up good equity in your current properties and savings, don’t blow the lot by getting yourself into the possibility of living off credit cards and yellow stickered food to fund a property that is too big and expensive. Maybe you need to have an interim house before you go full fat into your forever home.

How far away from your parents is this house?

A 20 minute distance seems too small for them to be against the house but is it further away?

I would add that I live very close to my parents and it's incredibly helpful for childcare. As in, it's life changing.

Have you got all the legalities and benefits in place that come with being married?
Why don't you want it?

And if you're planning a family you'd be bonkers to give up a secure teaching job with mat pay for self-employed

And can you replace the pension any time soon with those overheads?

Listen to your parents. That's a lot of money every month for a mortgage.

you haven’t factored the cost of childcare into this as far as I can see ? Also have you worked out what your likely income would be from grooming after tax etc. If your husband earns £2800 then your business would need to be bringing in at least £2000 pcm to account for all other bills after mortgage including childcare and for you to be able to continue saving for an emergency cushion

Those kind of financial commitments would give me sleepless nights without a very secure job.

Think long and hard about going self employed. I left a secure NHS job to go self employed. Biggest regret of my life. No sick pay, no annual leave paid, it’s bloody hard, people let you down etc. Who will have your future dc when they are off school with illness and surely your parents won’t want them every single day in the school holidays? Being self employed with babies and small kids is hard and I don’t know how competitive dog grooming is in your part of the U.K. but there are dog groomers everywhere where we live.

I think you're being completely unrealistic. Our take home is slightly more than yours and we're looking to get a mortgage next year for £200-230k. I don't want monthly payments higher than £1500 at the absolute most.

Your plan to go self employed sounds crazy when you combine it with wanting to start a family because there will be no maternity or sick pay (or pension) so you'd be relying on partner's income and savings.

Based on your combined income, £2000 is too much for the mortgage. If you consider council tax and bills, one of your salaries would barely cover your housing and food. I may be overly cautious, but that’s a scary thought for me. What if one of you loses their job or becomes unable to work?

Also, you need to factor in childcare as it’s basically like having a second mortgage in terms of cost. I wouldn’t rely on your parents either. By the time you have kids they might be unable or unwilling to provide childcare. What would you do then as you’d be unable to survive on one income as a family but you would struggle to pay for nursery.

No one is saying this to be harsh OP. I think we just see it from the other side of having a mortgage and paying for childcare and the cost of living- it's tough. Just because the back will lend you the money doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. And yes, banks have to be a bit more rigorous in looking at whether you can pay back that just before the financial crash but they are not accounting for your future outgoings.

Yep, I know people paying £2000 for their mortgage and £2500 for nusery (one child). And then factor in everything else 😱

Your parents do have a point sadly; £2000 a month repayment is a lot of money. We have a joint monthly income of around £7k and that’s about the top end of our budget. If you do have children your income will drop significantly and it’ll be a challenge to find £2k a month.