I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

This is part of your problem, it does not ring true. However unpalatable the truth is, you need to say it because 'I did not think ' makes no sense. Were you a robot? In a coma?
So maybe you didn't respect her or her feelings at that time. Maybe your own insecurities meant porn made you feel powerful. Maybe rejecting her made you feel powerful. Maybe you find women's sexuality threatening and it feels safer to interact through a screen. You need to think deeply about this and then be truthful if you actually want to have a grown up relationship.

There is no coming back from this. She might not feel able to leave you, because you have completely destroyed her self esteem. The best thing you can do for her is to have the strength for the both of you, and divorce her. It will feel worse for you both in the short term, but longer term it will set her free and she'll heal a lot better

I’ve definitely helped more with the kids, and around the house.

Your wife isn't the default parent who you help.
You should parent equally.

How lovely of you to "help round the house" like it's basically her job, not an equal venture. You need to always do half of the housework. Because that's fair.

No wonder she's sick of you.

You say you want your wife back, but you never had her because you kept pushing her away and ignoring her. What exactly do you want back?

Having a loving marriage with your wife will involve weathering the storms of her emotions, that you created. Is that truly what you want? Are you honestly prepared to do that?

Agree with PPs - I think you’ve caused permanent damage to her and her feeling of self worth. She’s not the happy woman in love with you that she once was as she’s seen who you really were so no wonder she doubts you’ve actually changed. The time for therapy has long passed. You show someone love by how you treat them - not just with words.

So your words mean nothing now. And you’d need to keep up with your actions for many many years before there would be a chance of possible change so why bother - set her free to find someone who chooses and liver her every day.

About the arguments, she starts them

I wouldn't have bothered starting arguments with you.

Your bags would've been packed and your sorry arse kicked out of the door.

I do wonder why she keeps him. He must be a provider and she has been waiting for the kids to grow. And maybe she has someone on the side. Good for her

You both need counseling, but it sounds like you checked out years ago and unfortunately now your wife has..

You are both just going through the motions

I would do the following:

Always do your fair share around the house.
Give her time away from the kids and you look after them so she gets me time.

Find time to take her out on dates to connect and make her feel special again.

Book counselling for yourself and if you are serious about her you will attend them all and find the appointments yourself.

Action is the only way forward. Compliments are nice but effort means more to us women. Show her not an half arsed way.

I write her a loving note and leave it on the bedside when I go away with work

Well that isn't going to make up for taking her for granted and cheating on her behind her back.

That is just the basics of being a husband and mostly we can take that for granted.
He should leave and not come back.

You didn't see a problem until you were caught.

Your response is now to chastise her for not being happy, when you thought for 13 years that watching porn was ok and not disrespectful to her.

You broke her trust and you think you can fix it just cos you want her to. Are you on glue?

"I want" is your fucking problem.

Start asking what she wants. Respect and not being demanding of her, would be a start.

Grand gestures like flowers and love notes are very easy. What's harder, but far more important, is properly pulling your weight with the mundane everyday stuff and properly listening to someone and engaging with them. Consistently, long term.

Dear God, your self pity party needs to stop.

What about her. As in, not just doing the things you should have done as a matter of routine without this 'oh she should thank me for this' attitude.

Get over yourself.

So you were a crap husband for 13 years, suddenly decided to change, and now you want to press the 'reset' button on the wife-appliance (which is how men like you view the women you say you 'love')?

It doesn't work that way. You are reaping what you have sown.

And if you were truthful, you just want her to go back to how she was before, so that you can go back to how you were before too. This loving and respecting her, and pulling your weight with the house and kids (if you ever do) is all a bit much for you, isnt it?

If it isn't, and if you have have truly changed, you will do whatever you have to, for as long as it takes, to prove she can trust you. Real change is a change for life.

You had something good that you didn't appreciate (or deserve by the sounds of it)and ruined it because you're selfish. If you want to do the right thing now then leave. She'll find a decent man who treats her well. please don't make her have to spend more of her life trapped in this toxic situation. It's over.

'She just gets triggered so easily. For example, a sex scene came on TV last week and she got upset because I kept watching TV. She is convinced I don’t find her attractive, which is so sad.

I want her to focus on the present and building a future rather than churning over the past. I won’t do these things again, but she doesn’t trust my word on that.'

How awful for you! She should absolutely get over it, trust you, and focus on you, now.
She is obviously at fault here, making you sad, and being triggered so easily!
How could she? Clearly, she isn't thinking.

I doubt you will ever be able to undo the harm you have done to your wife. 13 years of living with a sleazy, unkind creep - they don't land murderers with that sort of sentence, and now you want her to get over it...
How about you afford her the same 13 years before she trusts you again?

You could be my husband. I'm actually a bit worried that my h is going to come home later and tell me I need counselling to fix myself. And that would be so that you/he can have your wife back. This being the wife that was rejected for all that time.

You get counselling. YOU.

I slowly realised that I didn't actually know that person properly and never did. It was all hidden. So there is a lot of grief over losing the person I thought I was with. On top of feeling completely inadequate. And humiliated. And angry.

😬 I think you’ve been rightly torn a new one in this thread. You come across very selfish and immature.

It's horrible feeling like that and I can relate. I think most are saying if his wife wants to work it out to go for counselling but also that he himself needs therapy whatever the outcome. (That's definitely what I meant.) Your right it's all on him, he messed up.

@hurklebum yep - what childish fun - rattling a stick along the bars of the lion's cage

Im not reading 9 pages but why on earth wank off to porn but refuse your wifes requests for intimacy? You had no excuse

I think the problem with what youve put op is that you're not really thinking about what your wife wants. Only what you want.

It's up to her how she reacts tbh you don't really get to decide that for her.

I'm not going to say anymore as like the pp has said you've been torn a new arse hole.

Exactly I don't get it either

Shouldn’t we be going to counselling together though? She wants me to go alone. Won’t a therapist want to see us both?