I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

She likely wants to hear that you would have been as angry as she is, that you would have done everything she has been doing recently. She wanted her feelings validated not 'oh well I'd have been better than you have been and I'd have spoken to you about it'.

Good luck OP, you've got a lot of work ahead of you.

I've dried up and sealed myself closed at the prospect. I'd prefer to be single.

Yes, I’m still here. I’ll book counselling and hope for the best. I grew up with emotionally absent parents, so I suspect she is onto something regarding the intimacy avoidance comment.

The comments about me “helping” on the house and wi th my own kids - all correct, I shouldn’t be helping, and they are of course my duties too. I got lazy and took what I had for granted.

About the arguments, she starts them and keeps asking things like what do these women have that I don’t etc, and asking if I find them more attractive than her. They are no t conversations that lead anywhere positive

Ok OP some of what you did to your wife my DH has done to me. He didn’t do the social media thing I don’t really understand that. We are probably a lot older than you. My DH didn’t avoid intimacy but it was nearly always me who initiated it. My husband went onto develop ED and I felt like shit about that especially when he denied it was anything physical with him but said that it was psychological. So that made me feel even more at fault.
A few years ago we went on holiday to a beautiful location and he was constantly glued to his iPad not speaking to me or engaging with the holiday just awful. I looked one day and he had been watching porn the whole holiday. I was so hurt that these pathetic images were more important to him than me and our marriage and holiday. He had been looking at it secretly for years apparently.
Yes I felt very unattractive and unloved. I confronted him and he has apologised umpteen times and says he’s stopped viewing it. The thing is it doesn’t matter how much he has apologised I still hate what he’s done and I don’t trust him anymore. I still feel unattractive and unloved and my husband is in no way awful to me in any other way but this one thing.
My husband thinks I have forgiven him but I haven’t. I won’t split from him because I am quite old and couldn’t be bothered with the hassle and financial implications.We don’t have a sex life now anyway due his ED.
A PP I think said you have permanently damaged your wife. They are correct avoiding intimacy was a cruel and humiliating thing to put her through.If I had been younger I would not have put up with what my husband did to me. I would have left him. I hope your wife can leave you and find a happier life with a man who truly cherishes her. You should do everything in your power to facilitate an amicable divorce.

Your behaviour created these conversations. Your behaviour didn't lead to anything positive. She is reacting you YOU and YOUR behaviour. You did this.

Irrelevant if they lead anywhere positive or not - she wants to be angry at you and show you how upset she is. In time, if the relationship survives, they will stop, but for now - if she 'starts' an argument, let her, allow her to show you how upset she is.

If she asks the same question a thousand times - you answer it a thousand times without any annoyance on your part.

Counselling is a good idea for you.

Well you got balls coming on here with this.

You can't change what youve done and understandably the trust has been broken

I don't think you realise how painful it would be that you rejected her for sex yet went to porn and then looked up girls on social Media, youve really knocked your wife's confidence. Whether it be two years or longer, you don't really get to decide when she should be over it. She might never be.

It's up to your wife if she wants to work on this with you. Maybe counselling might help having a third party navigate through it all.

If you have genuinely changed and realised what you've done it's definitely a lesson learned. If your wife decides she can't go on you have to respect her and let her move on and be happy.

Oh look mate, if this is genuine and you really want to make your wife happy, divorce her, give her your share of the house and commit to properly caring for the kids when you have them, as well as paying your fair share towards their maintenance.

That's the best thing you could possibly do for her.

But I suspect what you're really trying to ask is, 'how can I get my wife to shut up?'

She "starts" them because the issue is completely unresolved. It's expected and normal in a relationship to be intimate, show your spouse affection and attraction and do your share with parenting and household duties. For 13 years you opted out of all this, preferring porn and equivalent. The fact that you're now doing what you were always supposed to be doing isn't enough to resolve 13 years of total neglect and doesn't get you any medals. I honestly don't know how it's lasted this long. How much parenting is there to do when you spent 13 years not doing it?

You're in a severe debt and you'll have to go above and beyond the normal expectation, for a very long time. You don't get rewarded for doing what you're supposed to do.

I would say it sounds unsalvageable; I don't know how you can repay this debt and it may be that your wife simply can't get past it. But she spent 13 years putting up with being your ignored, overlooked and neglected service droid, so maybe she's got a higher tolerance for this. Perhaps you're a very good provider or something, I don't know. To get to a loving marriage though, you'll need years of overpayment.

Don't repeat your previous mistake. You effectively told her her needs and feelings didn't matter for 13 years and she needed to get over them to facilitate you. Don't do the same thing now under the guise of reconciliation.

Because to her, you're taking her for a mug! It's no good keep telling her how attractive she is when you proved to her that you didn't want her.

Have you any idea what continuous rejection does to someone's self esteem? Then you topped it off by adding a bunch of women you clearly DID find attractive. You basically told her you'd rather wank over pictures of women you don't even know than have real intimacy with her.

Of course she's upset over that! You've given her every reason to feel insecure and to mistrust you. That trust won't be something that is easily or quickly rebuilt.

Porn is one thing but adding actual people is going too far. I'd have divorced you if I'm honest. The fact that she hasn't and is giving you a chance is probably the best reaction you could have hoped for.

I would be very irritated by your claims that you have "changed". I think you can recognise that the capacity for this behaviour exists within you and probably always will, because people don't actually change. The degree to which they exercise self-restraint, or prioritise their loved ones over themselves, may be temporarily different. It may become the "norm" even over time, but it will always require that self-control because your base line is to do what you did for a very long time.
It could also be that you don't love her but you are freaking out now that there is the threat of loss of control of your life, i.e. your wife leaving you. The threat of rejection is often enough to convince people they love someone they actually don't.
I think your challenge is to demonstrate more self-awareness as well as prioritising her more highly.
Love is pretty selfless really.

Why do they have to be positive? If she has questions, you should be answering them. You don't want to have the conversations because you are ashamed. But the very least you owe her is some honesty and introspection. You can't expect to make amends by only doing the bare minimum expected of any partner, that you should have been doing all along.
If you're going to book counselling, do it now. You've got time for mumsnet, you've got time for google and phonecall. Counselling should have been booked 2 years ago, so I somehow doubt you will actually do it now.

Imagine how invalidating it must feel for your wife to express her unhappiness and for you to describe that as "conversations that don't lead anywhere positive".

You really don't see her as a person in her own right, do you? With a depth of understanding and feeling and emotional wealth equal to (or even surpassing) your own.

I wonder how long it will be before you get frustrated by your wife's hurt (that you caused). Will you become bitter and cruel to her? Resentful? That's the next step in this you know? It's fairly common - you see it a lot in men who have cheated. They begin to dehumanise their partner and twist the narrative in their own heads until they can believe a "she caused it because she was too busy (with the kids), too fat, too stressed, didn't have time for me.

I'm sure it's been said but you have damaged this woman permanently. Even if she 'gets over it' it will have changed her as a person. Imagine doing that to another human being? I can't. I cannot imagine ever treating someone so awfully over and over again. Your behaviour will have ground her down to almost nothing. The best thing you can do for her now is to encourage her to look after and prioritise HERSELF. I doubt very much you would allow this though.
I hope you do reflect, though going by the language you have used on this thread, I doubt it. You still use the term 'helping' for a start.
At least you have stopped the abuse and feel some sort of shame though. Not many men do.
Remember, you are not @AStupidMan , you are a garden variety low level abuser. Far from stupid.

Op I reccomend the naked truth project or the laurel center for you and your partner for individual therapy first.

You need someone trained in apsat/betrayal trauma. Any other therapist is likely to traumatise your partner further. This isn't a relational issue. She isn't co dependent.

I'll be back with more resources

I’ve not read all the responses, @AStupidMan , but I have read all your posts.

I can offer some insight into your wife’s feelings having been married to a sex addict who chose looking at porn and dating sites on line to any intimacy with me.

What you say about being a selfish lover resonates with me too. We had a very sparse sex life. If I tried to initiate, he rejected me. He had two initiate and in those circumstances, I was little more than a glorified blow up doll.

To have intimacy blocked by the person you love is extremely painful and engenders feelings of shame, worthlessness and self disgust. In all of the time you’ve been rejecting your wife, these feelings will have been planted, reinforced again and again. You can’t just shrug all of it off and forget it. It will be deep rooted in her.

I think you need to do some deep, uncomfortable digging into yourself and into what is blocking intimacy. Being intimate needs you to allow yourself to be vulnerable. To have a real, deep human connection.

I should imagine your wife approached you with vulnerability for years and you rejected her. That’s a lot of trust broken.

I’m not suggesting you don sackcloth and ashes as it’s not helpful if you come at her with self pity, but I don’t think you can justify what has happened - it needs to be owned and looked at with depth and honesty.

I think you need to look at what intimacy means to you. Is it just sex? Do you ever kiss your wife for the sheer enjoyment of just kissing without expectation of more. When you touch your wife, is it enjoyment of your closeness, the feel of her skin, the connection between you, or is it a means to an end?

I think working with a reputable sex and relationships counsellor could be very helpful and give you insight into where your blocks are and why you’ve been using online images to block real life, interpersonal, loving intimacy.

Whether you can come out the other side, I don’t know. It’s a lot of pain and rejection for your wife to process. It’s not her responsibility to meet you where you are - you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable, meet her where she is. Let her express her pain without you invalidating it. Think about HER - not about how she stops being a broken wife that you can fix in a few easy steps.

Maybe seeing a counsellor by yourself would help you take an honest look at what you have done, why you’ve behaved in this way (don’t blame her saying you’re selfish in bed - that’s too easy. You’re selfish in bed because you’re blocking intimacy)

I am divorced- but then my ex husband didn’t have it in him to do the hard emotional work that he needed to.

In your case, it may be too little too late - but an honest look at your relationship with vulnerability and intimacy is where I’d start

She’ll think you’ve been doing this for 13 years.
she won’t get over it in 2. Why don’t you give her another 11 (11+2=13)?

couple’s therapy, individual therapy, a lot of introspection and doing better. That’s all you can do.

"I hate seeing her upset and feeling unwanted by me."

Yet, for 13 years you were quite prepared to upset her and let her feel unwanted.

Count yourself lucky that she hasn't left you... and spend some time (maybe 13 years) finding out what SHE wants (because, so far, it's all been about what you want).

Set her free to meet a decent man

That should do it

Of course he doesn't see his wife as a person! I mean like most prolific porn users (addicts let's be honest) he's desensitised himself to women and believes they are a commodity to be bought and sold in a transactional manner.. He feels entitled to womens' bodies, that's why he download random womens photos from FB. He feels entitled to break his marriage vows and cheat. When you constantly view pornographic material it's easy to tell yourself these are not real people with real lives, just wank fodder. The gutless wanker probably only wants to stay with his wife because it's convenient for his lifestylehe way he talks. I hope if she stays that she uses her anger, has an affair with a hot younger guy who is dynamite in bed and finds what she was missing all along!

Honestly mate, you've fucked it.

Spot on. Last two sentences particularly.

All of this is YOUR fault. YOU are the one who made her unhappy. You are the one who broke her trust. You are the one that caused her anger and her understandable bitterness.

You're a selfish person, clearly. You think everything should revolve around you. You do not accept, truly, that YOU are the one who broke everything. You broke your wife. Her emotions are directly related to what you did to her.

Once you start to accept this maybe there is some form of come back from this. But I honestly think she would be happier without you now. You ruined the trust and you can't build that back over night, like you want.

@Iaskedyouthrice that's exactly what I did- I went from being a bit co dependent if I'm honest to prioritising myself. I stayed married but made sure it wasn't the be all and end all. I realised many seemingly decent men always put themselves and their wants and needs first (and I don't just mean sex) - so these days I put me first

What you are basically asking her for is to forget everything so that you can have it easy and your old benefits back. What a selfish immature man that you are.

Trust me. She will fall deeply in love with someone else and leave you. She is probably only staying with you until kids grow a little bit.

What you’ve done to her is abuse. No phsychotherapist would accept marriage counselling because they don’t do that when they realise one of the partners is an abuser/narcissist. Sorry to break the news to you but you have NPD.