I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

You're still looking for excuses. why don't you find a therapist, and ask them?

You could do both. But again what does your wife want to do. You can't make her!

How do you know what a therapist would want? You know what your wife wants - you in therapy. Why won't you just do it?

Good for you and well done 💐I think most women in these types of relationships get to this point and either gather strength and do what you have done/leave OR just give up completely. The problem is, I doubt very much that this man will encourage his wife to think outside of him because he's not daft. He's managed to abuse her for 13 years and that takes some skill.

No. This isn't a relationship issue, it's a you issue. You could certainly try relationship counselling further down the line (if your wife wants to), but right now this is on you. If you hold your hands up and admit you were the problem then why should it be on your wife to go to counselling and help you fix it? That's something you need to do on your own.

Unlikely. Usually when one of the two partners is narcissist/abuser the therapist will deny marriage counselling for the safety of the abused.

Your wife may have already visited a counsellor and she has been told that you need to go on your own.

It goes without saying you’ve been an absolute fool and you’ve hurt her deeply.

But, if in choosing to stay with you then she has to make the effort to move forward also. When you forgive someone you can’t then throw it in their face any time it gets hard or challenging. Yes it will take time for her to trust you and forgive you fully and there might be occasions it’s really hard for her but this can’t be constant arguments and upset. She has to be actively working towards something.

Honestly I would suggest therapy, couples first and foremost and probably your own too. I would be very honest though OP, whilst you have to earn the trust, she has to be willing to give it and leave with the constant recriminations and punishment.

If she cannot then the relationship cannot continue because it’s causing both of you a lot of pain. You fucked up, you’re the cause but she is an adult and can choose to walk away - she didn’t, therefore she also has to be part of putting it back together

You've said you have childhood trauma, so you need to be going to counselling.

Sounds like you're trying to get out of it - if you wanted it to work you would go, no question. Do you even want the relationship to work....

I haven't read all the comments, just a few and yours, OP.

If you want to stand any chance of getting through it together you need to be able to show her that you are really working on yourself. Counselling would be good for that and so definitely do individual counselling but I would suggest couples counselling to her in addition to this. You also need to be honest with yourself and her about why you did it, "I wasn't thinking" doesn't cut it. If you can identify it then you can work towards changing something, if you just say "I wasn't thinking" then of course she will worry about it happening in future because it would be very easy for you to 'not think' again.

This is about YOUR behaviour, not hers.

I really don’t know how she even stands him. Honestly. This woman is a real hero

" 'I want' doesn't mean 'I get' ", as my mother used to say. All your posts are very 'me, me, me'. It's all about you getting back what you threw away with both hands.

I'll start with the obvious. Have you changed? Really? You think you have, but you don't seem to me to be great in the thinking department ("I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking"). Your wife is still living with you, I'd call that a HUGE concession on her part, allowing you to hang around and prove yourself. And in two years, you either haven't proved to her that you've changed -or- you have hurt her so deeply it's not enough. Or both.

You want her to trust you? Why would she do that? She trusted you before, and look how that turned out. You had her trust, and you broke it. Why would she trust you now? You've demonstrated (for years) how untrustworthy you are. I don't think you've got a very good concept of trust in your head.

"She is convinced I don’t find her attractive, which is so sad."
And who was it that convinced her of that, through their behaviour? You chose porn over shared intimacy with her. "Sad" really doesn't cover it.

"She can’t seem to move on ... instead she is stuck in the past"
She was subjected to over a decade of contempt and abuse. By you. If I thought you wanted her to 'move on' for her own benefit - ah, but I don't. You want her to draw a line for your benefit. Are you getting tired of playing nice for a change? Actually, the full version here was "She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years". I'd question it being a fact. And better than what? The man you were for the thirteen years before that? Hardly a recommendation!

"saying ... that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught."
She's right, you would have. I know it, she knows it - even you know it. So stop bleating.

"She has mentioned counselling - for me though. She thinks I should go to some kind of therapist for “infancy avoidance” as she called it. It would be embarrassing to talk to someone in real life over it, but I am willing if it would help."
This I find particularly telling. Embarrassment? That the suggestion had to come from her and not from within you is what is embarrassing. Do you want a medal for being willing? Why have you not already taken yourself to a counsellor / therapist?

Bottom line, you are still the same man. I see nothing in what you have written in any of your posts to suggest you have looked at yourself more than superficially. You were absolutely fine with treating her as you did for over a decade. (And when I say 'treating' I mean 'abusing'.) You only stopped when you got caught. You have done nothing to solve the problem that is you. I mean, really - "I no longer keep my phone in my pocket all the time" - big wow! You need to do more. You need to go to counselling / therapy for starters. And you need to accept that maybe you broke your marriage too thoroughly for it to be fixable. You write "I want her to be happy". It's entirely possible that that can only happen if you're not in her life. Go to counselling / therapy. It's your best chance.

Good Lord. You want to know how to prove yourself to her. She's literally given you something: go to therapy, alone, at least for now. And you're still wibbling and making excuses?

If you're going to salvage things then at some point she probably does need to be there to help aid communication between you and to help her get a realistic idea of what reconciliation involves and whether she wants to do it.

At this stage, though, given the fault really is entirely with you, going alone would demonstrate that you accept responsibility and you have listened to her. You'll also need to engage properly with the therapy and do the work on yourself, not just turn up so you can say you've been and do nothing else.

Seriously...

At this stage with what you have done you should be doing what she wants. You have done something that fundamentally hurt, crushed and destroyed the person you are supposed to 'love' - you dont know 'why' you were 'not thinking' so therefore you have no way of telling her you understand why you did this and can stop it from happening again.

She is giving you a glimmer of a chance. take it, use it, learn from it, talk to her about the therapy. You never know doing this may open her to thinking about couples counselling or even counselling for herself.

Nope. Where one partner has abused the other, joint therapy is just a continuance of the abuse. Go alone, or admit you have no intention of changing.

She is obviously suffering trauma from years of abuse and neglect, not trying to punish him 🤦‍♀️

Probably either financial security or thinking the children deserve to have two parents. Not that this person parents much by the sounds of it.

What usually happens in marriages like this is the kids grow up, wife gets financial independence and then initiates divorce proceedings. Husband then plays ignorant and claims he never saw it coming, is blind sided and doesn’t deserve this.

She then usually has some time alone, works on herself to become a better version of herself. Meets someone who appreciates her and she lives happily. He will usually bounce from one relationship to the next to fill a void and spends the rest of his days kicking himself for losing the best thing that ever happened to him, mixed with bouts of confusion about how his wife could have left him.

Same old same old.

OP, you know why you were looking at other women instead of your wife. You know you felt entitled to look at as many attractive women as you could instead of investing that time and energy into your poor wife. You have destroyed the poor woman. For what?! Some likely fake airbrushed pixels! You absolute idiot.

You say you have been trying for two years, and yet you still haven’t got yourself any counselling. That would suggest that you have no intention of changing and making things better or you would have done it by now.
you have said you would do anything to make things right but clearly you won’t, you just want a quick fix.
I would have kicked your arse out and down the road years ago.

Couples counselling suggests that the problems are mutual. Poor communication or whatever.

She wants YOU to go to counselling becuase YOUR behaviour was a problem and she is not convinced that you will be able to maintain NOT doing those behaviours.

you want couples counselling because you're hoping that the therapist will say that perhaps she didn't meet you rneeds and she should do x or y and then you wouldn't have looked at porn in the first place.

Why? Why would the therapist need to see her?

Do you mean, you want her to go so she can do the work to fix the relationship you broke? She's not your mum, she doesn't have to pick up after you.

I think you have a lot of deep delving to do to understand why you behaved as you did.

What that felt like for her, and then you need to work out what you can do to fix it.

You may need her for the last bits.

But honestly, until you see her as a person and not as your wife, I can't see you making much progress. You aren't calling an engineer to fix an appliance.

You are recognising your wife has needs you failed to consider, and may no longer have the skills to fix.

This happened to me, the exact same situation. This happened in December, and I have given one chance on the basis that it may work out, or it may not. Only time will tell. The trust has gone, and I'm broken by what he did. I don't know how long it will last because even though it's been almost 7 months, I've not gained an ounce of trust, and im not sure I ever will. Sometimes, once the trust has been broken, it never comes back. You may have destroyed your marriage for the sake of a quick w**k over making love to your wife.

Why do you think this? (Genuine question)

About the arguments, she starts them and keeps asking things like what do these women have that I don’t etc, and asking if I find them more attractive than her. They are no t conversations that lead anywhere positive

So you are still doing it.. Arguments take two people so why are you having a go at her for asking reasonable questions. Why aren't you answering her with good explanations, respect and compassion instead of continually shutting her down. No wonder she is fucking angry. You are minimising and excusing your extremely bad behaviour but it's still her fault the marriage is bad?

You want to make her truly happy? Release her from her awful marriage. Let her go.

Going to simplify your post for you as it’s a bit wordy;

Ive been married for 15 years and put in minimal effort emotionally or sexually. I decided to get my rocks off online and got caught out.

Now my wife is telling me what she thinks of me and how I’ve made her feel and I’m terrified she’ll divorce me and take me to the cleaners financially, and I’ll have no one to do all the crappy life admin that she’s soaked up over the last 15 years.

I'm hoping to garner some quick fixes by asking women online, ‘cause you’re all so similar and I can’t even put in the effort with my wife to find out what’s needed and do something about it.

Hope this helps

Me too! In December 2023. I packed and left him. 7 months down tge line haven’t regretted it one bit.

We didn’t have kids thiugh which made leaving him easier. I guess If we had kids I would get my ducks in a row and leave him when the time was right.