I’ve hurt my wife. How do I fix this?

[AStupidMan]

I hope I’m ok posting here. I’m a man, and I’m looking for some advice for my marriage.
Been with my wife for 15 years, and I love her more than anything.
I haven’t been the best husband over the years, and now my behavior is coming back to haunt me.

For years now, my wife has been asking for more intimacy, and I would reject her frequently. This caused many arguments and tears from her. Now I have my hard hat on, and I know I will get the roasting I deserve, but I regularly watched porn behind her back, although I wasn’t addicted. This progressed to adding women on social media accounts I was attracted to. I don’t know why I did this, I just wasn’t thinking.

Anyway, two years ago my wife found these accounts and to say she was upset would be an understatement. I instantly realised how awful I had been, and I’ve closed all the accounts, and not touched porn/social media once. Im trying so hard to be a good husband to her. Seeing her upset has been horrible. She doesn’t think I find her attractive (which isn’t true) and she doesn’t trust me anymore. We have had such intense arguments since she discovered this and she’s thrown many hurtful insults at me (calling me a creep, a sleaze etc)

She can’t seem to move on and look at the fact I’ve been a better man in the last two years(in her own admission), instead she is stuck in the past saying she feels inadequate, unattractive and that I’d still be doing this behind her back if I hadn’t have been caught. She even thinks I would have progressed to cheating on her (not true)

I really love my wife and I’m devastated I hurt her. Seeing her upset really woke me up to my shitty behavior. How can I fixed this?

I want
I want
I want

The reason you did all those things is because you wanted to. You can't say you didn't realise she'd be hurt. You knew that and did it anyway because you wanted to.

You only stopped because you were caught.

It progressed from porn to adding women on SM. Most people would assume that this would have progressed to actual cheating with other women in time. That's a very reasonable belief.

Your wife doesn't trust you and I don't blame her.

If you genuinely want to fix this, it will take a long time and actions speak louder than words.

Listen to your wife. Properly listen. Stop expecting her to do what you want on your timetable.

I have been in your wives position and it's really shit.

I was in a relationship with someone I thought loved me and found me attractive . However they were very active on their phone and social media accounts it raised my suspicions . I checked who they follow and yup ..... all beautiful, glamorous, enhanced woman that look absolutely nothing like me .

I can only speak for myself here but you have no idea what that did to my self confidence and mental health . I could never look like these woman in a million years so how could he find me attractive when he is actively seeking out these woman , following them , liking their posts and commenting on them. There is a level of intent there .

It made me feel so self conscious and tbh I hated myself for a bit . He never showed me this level of interest online or on real life . When he tried to be intimate I just felt uneasy and couldn't believe anything he said about me being attractive .

You will think this is me just being a jealous and over emotional woman . Sorry but until you have experienced what it is like to be compared and belittled against unachievable beauty standards that these "models " have then you will never understand .

Imagine giving your time , love and dedication to someone who prefers to look at a pair of boobs all day . It's disrespectful and you probably would have started messaging these woman if you thought u had the slightest chance of a reply / interaction with them.

You have made your wife feel insecure and I don't think there is much u can do now to rectify that unfortunately.

This.

You've destroyed her trust and she's starting from a different point from when she wanted to believe in you and give you the benefit of the doubt.

The only way you can change things is by your actions. Show that you're reflecting on your behaviour, both in the past and the present. Never say 'but that was in the past'. Always say, I'm sorry I behaved that way and I am taking x,y and z steps to understand why I behaved so badly and how I am going to improve.

Establish physical initimacy slowly. Give her a hug. Kiss her without expecting more. Learn how to massage her feet/shoulders or caress her. Ask her what she finds a turn on in foreplay and then do that. Learn about how to please a woman in bed.

Show you respect her: her opinions, what she does for the family, her job. You've got a lot of work to do.

Two years isn't very long.

What about not hassling her to "forgive" you, and just doing things which show you SEE her and your CARE for her.

1. Do housework without being asked. Regularly. Don't expect to be praised.
2. Cook without being asked. Regularly. Don't expect to be praised.
3. Take on some of the mental load of running your home and family.
4. Take on doing the emotional work of your relationship - because that is where you've been completely irresponsible. Take responsibility for the health of your relationship.
5. Take on the emotional work of your family.

Jesus wept.

selfish in bed.
spent 13 years being a shit husband.
describes it as 'women I must have followed' on social media.... must have? Like an accident?! Or you didn't notice doing it?!!
now improved by 'helping' with the kids
and now a bit bored that your wife is angry?!

honestly, the kindest thing you could do is explain you've organised divorce papers because you've utterly fucked any trust for good and she deserves far better.

@AStupidMan
Leave her. You talk as though these actions are normal. You are about the worst man of all the men you know. Your wife does not deserve to be stuck with you. Do the decent thing.

This is basic stuff, this is what 90% of husbands do and most of husbands do are still not up to scratch.

This. Something along these lines happened to me. My STBXH reacted in a similar way. Told me he's changed, can't I see he's behaving better? He then told me I'm the one responsible for the break up of our family since I won't accept that he's changed and move past it.

What I find quite interesting about your posts is you keep psychologically distancing yourself from your actions. 'I wasn't thinking' 'I 'must have' found them attractive so I added them' - almost like you're trying to decipher the motives of someone else.

But you know why you did it. You might not admit it to yourself though. You were presumably compos mentis and not under heavy influence of drugs/alcohol for 13 years. So somewhere deep down, you know why you did it. Maybe you got a cheap thrill from sort-of-cheating on your wife, maybe it made you feel young and reckless again, maybe you wanted to live in a fantasy land where these attractive women would give you the time of day. I don't know, but you do.

That's why counselling would be good for you. And that's probably why your wife can't just 'move on and forget about it' like you want her to. Because you might have superficially said you're sorry, changed your behaviours, but it's these subconscious tells where you're not truly taking accountability that 1) counselling would help come to the surface, and 2) make your wife not fully trust or forgive you yet.

If you 'don't know' why you did it and 'can't explain' and you 'weren't thinking' - she has no idea whether the same thing will happen again and you'll just say 'oh I wasn't thinking/can't explain it'... Don't you see? Until you address why you did it, you can't stop it happening again.

So you have two options. Do the work and go to counselling, or leave. But you can't stay in this limbo like this, it's not fair on either of you.

Haven't read through all the posts but it sounds like she's already checked out to be honest.

Counselling is one of the hardest things you can do in life. It's not embarrassing, it's difficult and painful and can be really helpful in clarifying your thoughts and feelings and understanding why you behave in certain ways, as well as finding ways to change mindset and behaviour - as long as you approach it in an open and honest way. If you value your wife and your relationship with her you should be willing to enter into counselling whether for yourself or for both of you. If your reaction is just 'that would be embarrasing', then I understand why she says you need infancy avoidance therapy! Why don't you see it as a good opportunity for yourself and your relationship?

It sounds a bit like you're just tired and bored of being held to account for your past behaviour. Relationships do fail when someone has been unfaithful in some way and their partner can't forgive them but won't leave them either. Maybe ask her directly if she would rather not be in the relationship any more, and if she says no, she wants to be with you but is finding it difficult, then try the counselling for you first. You need some outside professional help and viewpoint to move things along.

Stop saying what you want. This is the problem - it’s always been about what you want, and it still is.

It now needs to be about what she needs - not what you want.

Also just for future reference... what would your kids , work colleagues and extended family think of you when your following all these woman online . It does give off sleazy vibes. Personally I don't have an issue with porn but that has its place and it's not on social media . Like why do you need to see that content so much? I appreciate your not on social media and stuff anymore but it's all about perspective

She can't trust you because you've betrayed her.

Her behaviour and way she is treating you are scars from the emotional wound you caused.

The only thing you can do is to work on yourself and be the best man you can be. That doesn't mean buy her flowers, that means turn up, be reliable, engage with the counselling, soothe her anxiety about her desirability.

You're focused on what you want, not the amends you need to make and the things you need to do.

I also think you might need to accept that the woman that comes back to you might not be the woman that you lost. You broke her. Anyone would break after 13 years of emotional abuse.

If you really care about your wife, and not just your own easy life, give her an amicable divorce and enjoy your porn in peace. Let her find a man who really values her.
Grown men do know how to be good partners, being a bad partner is a choice. Take some accountability.

Op, are you still here?
The truth is you need to take responsibility for your behavior. No but, but, buts, if, or ors.
To radically change you have to admit to yourself and your wife that you have been actively damaging your marriage for a very long time. You must decide actively to do the hard work to become a better person and husband by changing your mindset and behavior .

It will not miraculously happen by itself or overnight.
This is your job not your wife's. You will need a lot of courage.

Why are you coming here for opinions of other women? It gives vibes of being more important than your wife's feelings? I don't know what it is about your posting that has me triggered, I've neverrrr been in a situation even similar to yours but

Honestly if my husband did what you did then posted all that poor me 'I want my wife back' shite, I'd be so pissed off. Then to find he'd also seeked opinions from a women's forum instead of using his teenytiny man brain and fucking fixing it
You've sat around on your arse for 2 years cooking dinners and writing pissy notes ffs! How is that going to fix anything!

You “didn’t think”? What a crock of shit. You DID think, but ONLY about yourself. And you are still only thinking about yourself, what you want, what you deserve.
By your own admission, you were a shit husband for 13 years. Can you explain exactly WHY you expect her to be over that in 2 years?
You seem to view the issue now as her because “you’ve changed”. If that is what you think, you actually haven’t changed, at all. I would absolutely agree that you need therapy to untangle exactly why you’ve been so vile to your wife.

Your actions speak loudly.

You do not love your wife, you love what comes with her. The familiarity, the comforts. What she does for you but you do not love her.

You need to let her go and live a life you know she deserves.

She does not deserve you.

Work on your own life, and become better.

Speaking from the wife’s point of view ( I found all this too and he actually met for casual sex) it’s over !!! I am just waiting until I am in a position financially to move on , I will never forgive or forget the bond of marriage has been broken !! You reap what you sow, I hope she meets someone who will respect her !

If your wife had posted on here what you had been doing I would be advising her to leave you, Frankly, I hope that she does. She deserves WAY better.

13 years of hurtful behaviour, followed by 2 years of being "good". I am just surprised she is still with you, I guess she may be too worn down to leave.

Have you considered couples counselling?

Dear lord.

So you've started to 'help' with your own kids and around your own house and with cooking your own meals. And occasionally initiate 'intimacy' with your own wife.

Ladies, form a queue. This is truly a prince among men and I'm sure will shortly be available.

You were emotionally abusive to your wife for 15 years. Why on earth should she stay with you? You say you love her 'more than anything' but so fucking what? Love means absolutely nothing if you treat the person you love like shit.