Is not working in this day and age acceptable?

[Lilly1102]

I have a financially secure job, it’s easy and although my colleagues exclude me sometimes and are bitchy it pays really well and I can afford the things I like.

But it’s so toxic sometimes (I’m a kind, non-judgemental and far from a bitchy person but unfortunately my colleagues are just that so I I’d quite like to quit.

I’ve had previous jobs and experienced the same thing.

I’ve thought about whether it’s me that the issue and I don’t think it is because I’m just a normal, fun, sociable lady in my mid-twenties (the bitchy people in question are actually in their 30s!).

Anyway, my boyfriend said that if I want to quit then I have his full support and if I never want to work I don’t need to.

The thought of it is so attractive because as long as I can afford my gym membership monthly I can just stay at home, bake and clean.

Of course I could go elsewhere and look for a job but the same thing would happen.

I’m just not married yet and probably do need a job so I can buy my own things and not worry about my boyfriend saying ‘do I really need another skirt’ if it’s with my own money. Because we are not wealthy but can definitely afford to live comfortably and normally if I quit. But we wouldn’t be able to have a lavish lifestyle and I would like to have a very high-end wedding which might be difficult on just my boyfriends salary, although maybe we could have family help.

I also love going on holiday (which tbh, is the only thing my money goes on because my boyfriend doesn’t care less about holidays) so I guess if I quit we would have to just not go on holiday - but maybe I would be happier and wouldn’t feel the need to go on holiday if I wasn’t surrounded with toxic people.

Changed my mind about my post but not sure how to delete it so have just deleted all the text instead 😀!

This is not the perfect solution it appears. You’re not going to have personal financial security and as a household it doesn’t sound as if you can really afford it and enjoy the lifestyle you want.

Leaving aside moral questions, this is just too risky, especially as you are not married.

Suppose he walked under a bus? You'd be left with nothing.
Suppose he lost his job - as a couple you have no fallback position.

I know you think your love will last forever and all that, but I bet if you did a poll on here of aged 40+ women, asking how many were with the same partner they had in their mid-20s, at least 50% wouldn't be.

Find another job, one that's more tolerable.

Idk thing is, you say youve got two degrees and would find work if the worst happens and you split up? You need to be paying into National Insurance for so many years to be able to claim pension/ need to be paying into your own private pension, or you may find yourself in financial difficulties later in life.

i just dont know how this would pan out. He could become resentful of having to work/you dont. What if he loses his job and the pressures soley on him to work? What if he leaves you? When youve been out of work a while, its not that easy just to walk into a fabulous job especially if youve got years of no work to explain on your cv Two degrees or not. Your confidence will take a hit too in this situation of applying. Have you thought about going part time? Wear earphones in the office so you can drown out the gossip. Just dont engage. Grey rock them. I wouldn’t get upset not being asked out! Who genuinely wants to socialise with work colleagues anyway?!

personally, im not the type of person to just sit around. I like to be independent with my own cash for things and not relying on others.

I was in a similar position in my 20s working in a toxic environment with supportive boyfriend. He also suggested I stop as I was finding it difficult. It does make you vulnerable financially and it does impact the balance of the relationship however good intentions I think.
We had children, married after that and I spent the time trying others jobs .. admin, childcare, retail. It was a great opportunity to try new things and it boosted my confidence that actually lots of work environments were fine I just hadn’t found my space. When my youngest started nursery I retrained and now work at high level in totally different area and really enjoy it.. my colleagues and manager are really supportive.
i could now support myself financially, we are still together.
Good luck. It’s a hard decision to make but walking away from a bad environment is an opportunity I think.

I have been married over 25 years to the same man I met in my 20s, so I am not a bitter dumped woman. He supported me when I was an SAHM during an expat stint, and later as well.

Later, lots of unexpected things happened
He fell ill with a chronic illness
One of our DDs also developed an illness due to which I had to scale back work
He was laid off and took a while to find a job during which I supported him
Some things happened due to which we needed a lot more money than we originally planned
We were unlucky with some investments
One of our parents will likely need care which will be expensive
Our DC will certainly need help on the housing ladder

Best be prepared for the unexpected. Life is what happens when you are making plans to volunteer, clean and bake.

So what happens if your boyfriend and you break up in a recession? Are you aware how unemployability happens?

Yes you have qualifications but depending on sector most are typically outstripped every five years. Few sectors are outside this new phenomenon.

On the social side, you appear to say you struggle. Not working will further bring you into another group where this can be a huge issue. Where the typical scenario would be a parent who socialise with parents of their child friends.

I think you are being very naive and are putting yourself in a very vulnerable and possible lonely position.

I'd say it's acceptable but it's honestly not worth putting your life in someone else's hands . I know everyone's situation is different but for me it basically means I have no life .
My husband works full time and we have 3 kids but I don't work as I have terrible anxiety I'm trying to get under control .

my husband controls my life I can't do anything never have access to money if I ask for any he roles his eyes and gives me a lecture and as much as he tells everyone he loves having a wife who's at home doing the house work and cooking dinner the resentment is off the charts I can tell how much he hates me for it and I'm pretty sure everyone else can feel it to.

. Every argument I'm reminded he can do better than me and that it's his house and his money and I need him more than he needs me it's hell . So it may be acceptable to not work but like I said it's not worth the hassle.

This is terrible. Your husband is an awful man.

Working class women have always worked. And you only need to read Jane Austen, Little Women and others - indeed, just watch Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington's story - to see that being effectively prevented from working and earning their own living, as middle/upper class women were, was incredibly disempowering and made them very vulnerable. Take a look at Mary Wollstonecraft and Vindication of the Rights of Women. Look at how women who would otherwise have been prevented from working seized the opportunity to work during the two world wars and very much disliked being shoved back into the home afterwards. Being unable to earn your own salary makes you incredibly vulnerable. It is not something to be aspired to.

Women have fought epic battles for the right to work as doctors and lawyers and in other professional roles.

Depression was absolutely rife in housewives in the 1950s/60s/70s because unless you are a true homemaker (and most of us are not), being a housewife does not allow you to fulfil your potential.

Staying at home to raise children or because health issues prevent you from working is one thing. Giving up work and staying at home because you don't get on with your colleagues is another. You have two degrees. They will go to waste. And as people on this thread have assured you, you will not be able to walk back into a job when you fancy it. My elder daughter has tried very hard just to get a part time job to support herself through uni and has so far found it impossible despite having work experience.

It is hard to get on the employment ladder and easy to slide off it.

This is not the answer, OP. Look for another job if you really cannot ride it out but don't give up work and allow your boyfriend to keep you. That's not how being an adult works.

Omg this is such a bad idea.

Take yourself over to the separation/divorce pages. So many women who relied on partners have become unstuck when they split.

I am recently divorced and if it wasn't for me having my own income I would truly be sunk.

Your work situation: either you've never found a team where you fit,or you have qualities that other people find difficult. Maybe you should start there.

Also, if you stay home, whatever industry or profession advances without you and if you try and go back you might find it difficult.

Excellent post, Dery.

Also reading @Dery 's post, I agree. My mum, even when "at home" had cleaning jobs whilst us kids were at school, my gran worked part time in a corner shop, my nan worked on a farm around school hours, aunts, cousins and all the women I've known going back to the 1970s did something. Even if it was voluntary work, it gave them purpose.

This is meant kindly, ut have you considered getting some therapy about why you take these situations so personally? You've said they are not in anyway bullying, but just excluding you from their social plans? It's quite extreme to leap from "they are better friends and want to hang out with each other" to feeling degraded and actually crying about it as you describe.

It might be helpful to work out why you have such an extrmem negative reaction to these situations so that they don't get you down. For example if you have a strong social structure outside of work with friends/family, does it really matter that you are not bezzie mates with your colleagues? They are, at the end of the day, just random people who coincidentally work where you work!

You're mid-20s with two degree (UG and a Masters I assume) and want to quit work forever? You stupid lazy entitled so and so. You can't have been working more than three or four years. Grow up. If you were my dd I'd be absolutely furious with you.

You've given me quite a good laugh on a boring Thursday morning OP....in your twenties, only been working 4 years and think your boyfriend won't 'sail off into the sunset'. Hahahaha.

The truth is you'll never know. Just look at the threads on here most women who discovered cheating etc are blindsided. Everyone thinks it won't happen to them.

Find better jobs, enjoy your paycheck, and if you really , REALLY want to stop work with zero effort
Marry a really rich man, or get chummy with an old, rich relative .

Especially as you're 'comfortable' but also want a 'high-end' wedding.

p.s. Gucci isn't as 'high end' as you think. You can get stuff for several hundred pounds and it's everywhere. If you said Bottega Veneta I'd be impressed. Sandro just looks like a standard high street clothing brand.

The truth is you'll never know. Just look at the threads on here most women who discovered cheating etc are blindsided. Everyone thinks it won't happen to them

I was wondering just now if OP is a new poster. if she is perhaps she should dhave a good read of the relationships board and see how badly it can all go pear shaped.

I wonder if the problem is with you? You must only have been working a few years, yet the same issues have arisen in each job? And you say

Of course I could go elsewhere and look for a job but the same thing would happen.

Bit of a defeatist attitude!

Counselling might help. You come across quite defensive in your posts here, so maybe there is something you can improve about your communication style at work?

Not ideal to quit working. There are better workplaces out there, I worked in a couple of similarly toxic places in my 20s. I quit one place without somewhere new to go to, but did find a new job within 2 weeks - this was back in the 90s.
Maybe develop strategies at work to show these toxic ppl that you aren't a pushover.

But as to you original question- I do know a couple of women who have quit work after having their 1st dc and haven't gone back . Dc are now adults in 1 case, 2ndry age in the other case.

Perhaps some counselling would help you? Crying your eyes out because you've not been invited for drinks is an extreme reaction to what is far from bitchy behaviour. Has there been a pattern in your life about not coping with being excuded from groups?
You always get some cliques occuring at work, I think that is what you are referring to. I've never been part of one, but you find your own people in life, and some at work, who you gel with. It's just life, some people you are friendly with at work and that's as far as it goes, some you socialise with outside of work. It could be nothing more than you being in your 20's while they are 30's, however, as your emotions seem less regulated around it, maybe you have some ND that you never realised? I'm saying this as the way you describe things and your thought processes seem a little alternative maybe?
Also, don't kid yourself that 2 degrees will get you walking into a job after time out of the market. Experience always counts more IME, and there are plenty of new graduates who are stuck not using their degrees doing unskilled jobs as they are in a catch 22 of lacking experience, so can't get the job.

Oh OP you have no clue. Sure, change your job but you would be crazy to just stop working now. Proper crazy like a fox crazy.

This. I have been that person. I much older than you and I was also married when my exH had a mid life crisis/affairs and we divorced. I'm now approaching pension age. If you can live on approx £12.5k per annum-take the risk, otherwise keep working and earning your own money. I had no clue my ex was cheating - we'd been childhood sweethearts and together for over 20 years with two much wanted babies. People can and do change; beware.

my SIL had given my DD the option of giving up work so that she can be a SAHM.. i think its acceptable! BUT i also think it would be foolish.. i sometimes feel that SAHM's lose their identity, and just become 'so and so's mum" so i am actively encouraging my DD to go back to work, even PT or even WFH which she is in an industry where both are possible

@beckybarefoot to be honest I like being "so and so's' mum" much more than "the shop lady".
Which is what I was for 20 years 😂

your tone in messages is horrific. I posted a genuine question and you’re clearly laughing ‘at’ me.

You sound incredibly immature, especially for your age (I’m presuming you’re older since you’re so adamant of men leaving women).

Ironically, I’m sure if you were having a ‘boring’ Thursday morning and laughing at my post, you were most likely not working.

It wouldn’t surprise me if a man left you and sailed off into the sunset, or probably jigging a beautiful girl in her twenties whilst you play keyboard warrior

Fyi- I wasn’t trying to be impressive with my Sandro or Gucci comment.

Have a nice evening Sally ;)