Is not working in this day and age acceptable?

[Lilly1102]

I have a financially secure job, it’s easy and although my colleagues exclude me sometimes and are bitchy it pays really well and I can afford the things I like.

But it’s so toxic sometimes (I’m a kind, non-judgemental and far from a bitchy person but unfortunately my colleagues are just that so I I’d quite like to quit.

I’ve had previous jobs and experienced the same thing.

I’ve thought about whether it’s me that the issue and I don’t think it is because I’m just a normal, fun, sociable lady in my mid-twenties (the bitchy people in question are actually in their 30s!).

Anyway, my boyfriend said that if I want to quit then I have his full support and if I never want to work I don’t need to.

The thought of it is so attractive because as long as I can afford my gym membership monthly I can just stay at home, bake and clean.

Of course I could go elsewhere and look for a job but the same thing would happen.

I’m just not married yet and probably do need a job so I can buy my own things and not worry about my boyfriend saying ‘do I really need another skirt’ if it’s with my own money. Because we are not wealthy but can definitely afford to live comfortably and normally if I quit. But we wouldn’t be able to have a lavish lifestyle and I would like to have a very high-end wedding which might be difficult on just my boyfriends salary, although maybe we could have family help.

I also love going on holiday (which tbh, is the only thing my money goes on because my boyfriend doesn’t care less about holidays) so I guess if I quit we would have to just not go on holiday - but maybe I would be happier and wouldn’t feel the need to go on holiday if I wasn’t surrounded with toxic people.

You say you would "just go back to work", but it's VERY hard to get a job, when you have a gaping hole in your CV. I used to interview for a major Bank, and people who had gaps for no reason, were never selected. Never. Too risky.

Over 50% of marriages end in divorce - NEVER rely on a man keeping you.

Pension - if you don't work you won't have a workplace pension or a state pension.

So bluntly, no, this is a very, very bad idea. Maybe you could be self employed though, if you don't like mixing. But to have no income is insane.

Are you certain the novelty of being at home won't wear off? It probably feels really appealing right now as you're unhappy at work but when the reality sets in after maybe a couple of months, can you honestly say you'll be happy?

In my early 20's I left a job that made me miserable without finding an alternative first thinking it'd be fine, 'I've got a degree', etc. and I'd just find another. In the 6 months that it took me to get a new job, my confidence plummeted and I ended up with horrible anxiety. I was also dependent on my bf's (we've now been together 20 years) income (he was fine with this), but it did change the dynamic; I felt like I had to ask for permission to make any kind of purchase which I'd never had to do before and it just didn't feel fair. It's ok maybe as a short term thing but as you're still young, I wouldn't advise it.

I'm sorry you've experienced being left out at work but you can't presume that every other workplace will be the same - as others have said maybe it's time to just find an alternative job. Good luck :)

I'd give anything not to have to work. I f-ing HATE it. I'm an introvert and crave peace and quiet. If I didn't need to work, I'd be so much happier. So much. I hate having to fight through traffic, deal with people, etc. And the worst thing is hearing colleagues say "ooo, I love my job. I love being with the girls in the office – they're so funny. I love putting a bit of lippy on and having an excuse to get out the house. I couldn't bear to just sit around at home all day." I think a lot of people actually love the bitching and backstabbing and gossip as well.

I wouldn't be bored for a nanosecond. And I wouldn't miss working one tiny bit.

😉

This. Women always think that they can just head back to work anytime they feel like it and slot right back in. We can't, as I have found out after years out of the workplace to raise children (although I did gain a masters degree and have eight books published during this time but apparently, that's still not enough to be considered busy). I am self employed and clawing my way back into my industry but it is a VERY hard slog. I am bloody lucky that DH also works in the same industry and passes my name along when he hears of suitable work. If you really hate your job, look around for another, consider part time, consider self employed, but for the love of God, do not give up work and rely on a boyfriend! Plenty of women have been left high and dry by a man who really, truly loved them and wasn't the average guy.

You're only mid 20s. You can feel like that. The more job experience you gain, the better you'll handle the similar situation better and the stronger you will become. However quitting a job because of some annoying people who are not relevant to your life and who will eventually become total strangers to you, is simply giving up opportunity to gain the life experience and it's a total loss for you. I'd say carry on your job and gain work experience and the strength to overcome the difficulty you've experienced in work place. Do not let people who would eventually become strangers to you infleunce your life. Be the master of your own destiny.

Check this
https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

Check this
https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Are you sure they're not excluding you because you have a high opinion of yourself and they're just 'bitchy 30 somethings' with nothing better to do, unlike you with your 'special' love like no other with your man who would never leave you? 🙄

Got to say I'd be giving you a wide berth in the office if you act at work like you come across on here.

Sure, quit work and lunch and gym, why not? I'm sure there's many of us who'd love to do that. Most of us have self respect though, so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

As @krustykittens says this is foolish. As a young woman I assumed jobs would be available and east to get.

No one wants unskilled middle aged women. They can just hire a cheaper young person.

I can just stay at home, bake and clean.

You could do so much more with your life than stay home, cook and clean for someone else. There is a whole world out there of possibilities, why live such a small life.

Financial independence is a very precious thing, especially as you get older. Do you really want to be dependent on another adult for everything. Such power to give another human being.

Find a job that you love , that enhances your life. All the best

This can't be real. He loves you so deeply he isn't like the average man?

Do you think nobody else has ever felt like that, then split with a partner? Or even a husband?

Fact is yiu can do what you want. Other people will have an opinion on it. Which you asked for. Giving up work is a massive risk even when married. Even most married women need to work if they get divorced. Doing when not married is really silly.

I would go as far as saying that any man encouraging a woman to give up work with no security to stay at home and clean and bake all day is a massive red flag.

And why on earth would you stay at home baking and cleaning all day? How much mess do 2 people make? And how much baking are you planning on?

Is that what he wants you to do or what you want to do?

Don't think it's real.

This is possibly one of the daftest ideas I have ever heard. Retrain, change industries etc.

To quit with the idea of never working again with no plan is nuts. Your BF will run far away before too long and that will be the least of your worries.

If "acceptability" is what you are worrying about, you really don't understand at all.

Sorry

Definitely do not stay at home - you must have a job. You are in your mid 20s and you are too young not to be working. You only have limited work experience and two degrees will not be as useful as experience.

You must remain independent and not rely on your boyfriend. Your relationship is happy which is great, but life can change and pressures can appear and relationships can end. You need to be financially independent.

Perhaps when you are married and you have children, you could be a stay at home parent, but you do need some work experience first!

It's funny that you ask if it's acceptable "in this day and age", as if it had been acceptable in any other day and age. The polite name for living off a boyfriend's money is "a kept woman", and there were plenty of less polite names!

I know you've already made your mind up OP but your plan does seem a bit short-sighted.

There's a Bitch Pit in pretty much any working environment - you just have to rise above it and not let it bother you. They will grow out of it one day. Look on them with pity that their lives are so shallow and they are so insecure that they have to be like this.

Pension - if you're not earning you won't be paying NI contributions and you won't have much of a company pension.

If something happens to your partner, how easily and quickly do you think you'll "get another job"? You can be as qualified up to the eyeballs as you like but if the jobs aren't out there then you can't apply for them.

I do think you've got some rose-tinted specs on regards this.

It would be foolish of you to do this but it's your decision if you want to be a fool.

Every woman who has ever become financially dependant on a man has been convinced in that moment that he'd never leave her in the shit. Many, many, many of them were wrong.

As of right now as an unmarried couple if the relationship was to end you would be left with

• no job, no income, no home

In 10 years you may be able to add

• children to pay for, childcare to arrange, a huge gap in your employment history making you an unattractive hire

In 40 years you could also find yourself with

• no pension to live on

Or potentially living in an unhappy relationship to avoid the above.

Just skim through the relationships board and read the hundreds/thousands of threads by women who are being financially abused by their partners, women desperately chasing the child maintenance service for £7 a month child support, women living with men who beat or rape them because they can't afford to leave.

Thank you for those who responded genuinely, I appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply to a post a stranger has made. Those of you who were rude, dismissive and called me a fool & naive etc, I can only hope people don’t respond to your questions in the same way.

As many of you have said, no one knows my situation. Clearly some of you have had bad experiences with men, or know people that have but just because 50% of marriages end up in divorce / separation does not mean that my boyfriend will leave me. If my boyfriend leaves me, it won’t be because I have a job or whether I don’t have a job.

Secondly, no I would not get bored. As others have suggested I would probably volunteer. I wouldn’t literally just clean or bake all day as my post may have suggested.

I appreciate the comments about pension, savings, god forbid if my partner gets sick & the gap in the CV. I’ll certainly take that into consideration; and yes that is definitely something to consider.

I can’t believe some people think my boyfriend might be ‘controlling’ just because he suggested (in an effort to be kind) that I could not work so I wouldn’t have to worry. It came from an act of selflessness, love and respect. If I want to work, he’s happy, if I don’t want to work, he’s also happy. I’m sorry that others might have had a different experience.

At the end of the day, it’s a choice. We are of course lucky to have the choice to be able to work but also not to if we have the support of a loved one. It’s a very different thing to me saying ‘ I’m just not going to work, go on benefits and sponge off people’s taxes.

If I were single I would look for another job; there wouldn’t be a doubt about it but because I have an OPTION I’m grateful for that.

It really is disappointing to see how so many people seem frustrated at the thought of opting not to work (if my partner supports me).

someone made a comment about me being unaware of spending money on food, bills. My boyfriend pays for that anyway & I’ve always just paid for the holidays (which I’m grateful for); so as I say if I chose not to work it would just be the holidays I’d have to sacrifice.

Having said that, I do value our holidays, Gucci bags, and Sandro blazers so I most likely will stay in the workforce but not because I’m worried my partner is going to sail off into the sunset :)

He could leave you by dying. I am married to an amazing man, have been for 24 years. His money is family money, he is kind, open handed and generous to a fault. All he wants is for me to be happy, so I am not a poster made bitter by her relationship. When we made the decision for me to be a full time mother, part time writer, he shouldered all the financial responsibility without a word of complaint and paid my NI stamps so I would get a full state pension. He's a diamond and I thank God for him every time I read about the useless and/or abusive men on here.

But the fact is, that the years I have not spent in full time work have left me at a financial disadvantage and he is our main earner. If something happened to him, I wouldn't be able to keep this place going without him and I still have children in full time education. Two of my friends have been widowed in their 50s - they are bloody lucky they kept working because when your life is falling apart around you, the last thing you need to worry about is paying bills and the mortgage.

There are so many options available to you rather than just giving up work full stop. By all means, work less, earn less, take up more of the slack at home - it can make life and your relationship much happier and stress free. I know we were happier when I stayed home, compared to the stressed out couple we were beforehand, desperately trying to juggle full time work and childcare with no outside help. But honestly, to give up work completely because you come across bitchy people is bizarre. Volunteers can be real arseholes too. If you want to have a happy life you need to have the tools to carve your own destiny and have as many choices as you want, to be able to cope with all the slings and arrows fortune will send your way. Staying in some form of work give you that, alongside your education.

Going off topic but do you fancy a destination wedding? Maybe somewhere like Maui?

This. In my 20s I struggled with the office politics and spent many evenings in tears at the thought of going to work the next day. But it's not optional. I was brought up to have a career, pay my way and pay my taxes.

What they said. ^

You don’t like being called naive buts that what you are being.

I haven’t had an experience where a man has left me financially high and dry, however, it happens. A lot. You see it in real life and on here.

Many women think their boyfriends is happy to financially support them, then realise much further down the line It wasn’t out of love of kindness. It was the start of low level control.

i appreciate you don’t believe this could happen to you. But the vast majority of people think the same. They think their relationship is different. If you had more experience you would be at least considering the issues and risks rather than dismissing them as ‘would happen to me because our love is different’.

You don’t have to live your life constantly worried about your partner leaving. But it’s always sensible to consider it as a real possibility and weigh up the risks, when future planning, as it’s always a possibility.

If my boyfriend leaves me, it won’t be because I have a job or whether I don’t have a job.

Yes, but if he leaves you because you chew too loudly, you will at least have a job to fall back on..Also you may want to leave him? Or are you mated for life before you have even married?

I love how you dismiss people's advice because you think they are bitter and had bad experiences with men. Even the most adoring men die, you know. Or lose their jobs.