Is not working in this day and age acceptable?

[Lilly1102]

I have a financially secure job, it’s easy and although my colleagues exclude me sometimes and are bitchy it pays really well and I can afford the things I like.

But it’s so toxic sometimes (I’m a kind, non-judgemental and far from a bitchy person but unfortunately my colleagues are just that so I I’d quite like to quit.

I’ve had previous jobs and experienced the same thing.

I’ve thought about whether it’s me that the issue and I don’t think it is because I’m just a normal, fun, sociable lady in my mid-twenties (the bitchy people in question are actually in their 30s!).

Anyway, my boyfriend said that if I want to quit then I have his full support and if I never want to work I don’t need to.

The thought of it is so attractive because as long as I can afford my gym membership monthly I can just stay at home, bake and clean.

Of course I could go elsewhere and look for a job but the same thing would happen.

I’m just not married yet and probably do need a job so I can buy my own things and not worry about my boyfriend saying ‘do I really need another skirt’ if it’s with my own money. Because we are not wealthy but can definitely afford to live comfortably and normally if I quit. But we wouldn’t be able to have a lavish lifestyle and I would like to have a very high-end wedding which might be difficult on just my boyfriends salary, although maybe we could have family help.

I also love going on holiday (which tbh, is the only thing my money goes on because my boyfriend doesn’t care less about holidays) so I guess if I quit we would have to just not go on holiday - but maybe I would be happier and wouldn’t feel the need to go on holiday if I wasn’t surrounded with toxic people.

I have never said this on any board. But you may want to consider if you are ND.

I also come from a family where women don't have to work. Guess what happened to those women? They stayed married, because divorce is uncommon, but they were abused and mistreated by the husbands they thought were lovely.

Quit. There's more to life than work.

Two issues at play here:

1. Don’t like your job
2. Alternative to stay at home

Is there a third way? Could you volunteer? Keeps you in touch with people and keeps you upskilled. Plus the world is crying out for good volunteers.

Also, OP, kindly - you sound quite passive. You really want to be friends with the women at work but you disapprove of them being bitchy. There are nicer people at work but you don’t sit with them.

Go and see if one of the “nice” people is free for a drink!

If what I liked to do with my limited free time was bitch with colleagues in the pub, I wouldn’t invite the “new girl” who was disapproving of me and occasionally burst into tears either.

I worked in fashion

Utra bitchy by reputation.

But it wasn’t.

Just get another job.

Not all workplaces are toxic

The common denominator is probably the type of job she is doing, some jobs attract bitchy women.

I wouldn’t give up work in your position OP, I would look at changing jobs completely, a different line of work.
Not married your BF could leave at any time and you would have no rights to anything financially, even if you think he’s the type that would never do that!

@Lilly1102 how about a remote role?

When no one knows how strong my relationship is with my partner, nor that he loves me so deeply and really is truly not like the average man.

I snorted out loud at this. Oh, you sweet summer child.

You are very, very naive. Worryingly so. The answer to struggling to socialise in your current workplace is 0% to give up work and rely on a man you aren't married to while you become steadily more powerless and less employable. You need to build your social skills and networks. You need to be less passive. You need to stop relying on other people to save you.

I snorted at this too. MN exists only because of all the women left by their wonderful husbands who were not like average men.

Financial independence is so important, for women and for men.
earning enough money to live on and have the lifestyle you want is a luxury women have fought so very hard for. Never be reliant on anyone else for money is a very good motto to live by
your man may never leave you, ( but you should never ever count on this as life throws curve balls and he may fall for the new apprentice, or run off with a chap from the golf club. Mid life crisis is real and can utterly change lives ) but fatal car accidents, or terminal illness can strike anyone at any time. Or he may be sacked for misconduct
you may get another job after a year off now, but what about in your 40s or 50s or even 60s. So many posts from women in these age groups who are not employed cos of bias towards older people.
having your own pension from your own lifetime of work, is really important, and a state pension needs to be earned by paying NI contributions.

most of us would rather not work, and stay home and bake, but it is pathway to a very uncertain future

choose your future carefully

Nothing wrong with taking a few months out to decide what you really want to do.

But, in your 20s, are you really going to be satisfied with gym, coffees and baking for any length of time? Where will you get your satisfaction from?

And, very long term, do you want to be stuck at home with young children while your husband has fun work nights out?

And, if you do end up getting divorced, you will end up arguing over what you ‘sacrificed’ to help your husband’s big career and his lawyers will be pushing you to get back to work, even in a menial capacity, as your CV with a 10-15 year gap won’t be sparkling.

Staying at home young with no children is a very risky strategy.

I'd be very wary of any man encouraging me to give up work and sponge off rely on him. Strong Andrew Tate vibes.

Even assuming your beloved is not like average men ( I lost sympathy for you with that bit), he may die or get ill, no? Like all men do.

Wouldn’t you be bored OP?

I’d say it’s early days to give up the idea of working for a living. If you’ve got two degrees and you’re on at least your third job in your mid 20s it doesn’t sound like you’ve stuck at any for long. What are your degrees in? Did you have a plan when you were doing them? For what it’s worth I had two degrees and was working in the related industry then decided it wasn’t for me and re-qualified in my late 20s and was much happier.

I can’t really judge the one income set up as I’ve supported DH for years but it seems early to start. How long have you been with your boyfriend?

Zero problems with not working - when you have your own financial independence.

Look up FIRE - Financial Independence, Retire Early.

It's not possible for everyone. It usually takes some hard decisions about what you need/want in your life, because the fastest way to be financially independent, is to massively reduce your expenditure.

But it is achievable, and if you don't want to work, that's probably more sustainable than relying on other people to finance you.

Of course it's acceptable. It sounds like your partner is willing and able to be the sole earner. Have you considered a career change though? It might be the case that there are more unpleasant people in the industry you're in currently.

have you got any hobbies? friends? there's more to life than work and boyfriends (and baking and cleaning). Maybe you need to find your tribe outside of the workplace and then you'd be happier in it?

It's not so much now that worries me about non-working women, it's surviving in old age without having made any pension contributions. True, you could use your husband's earnings to put aside an amount to buy an annuity or something, or share his pension, but it might not be much.

I think you should get some therapy to think about why working with other people is so difficult that you're thinking of giving up altogether.

You could be right - they might be excluding you - or it could just be a matter of perception; that you expect to be excluded, so that's what you're perceiving.

I've been there. In my 20s, I thought that everything would be great if I quit my job; that it was the root of all my problems. I was wrong!

Or your (wise) husband can make these regular contributions for you.

If you feel secure enough in your relationship and financial situation then go for it.
@MinnieMountain why would she be bored?
I was bored at work. I do my own stuff that I actually enjoy at home.

Excellent advice. I have a friend who is the same, starts a job then within a month all I hear about is 'bitches and bullies' and she leaves for her mental health, then has poor mental health from not working.

It's a fact of life, everyone is different, just keep your head down and do your job. And build some resilience.

This is very naïve, especially if you're not married. If your boyfriend owns the property you live in, and pays the mortgage, you have zero rights to live there or access a share of the property's equity. You will also be missing out on pension contributions. Going back to work will also be harder if you've had a long period out of work. if you're not happy, look for another job, I've always worked with lovely teams of people. I would never consider being fully financially dependent on my husband, and I'm married with kids. Things go wrong very often unfortunately, and I enjoy working to not just be a wife and mum.