Husband insisted on leaving Saturday night dinner at 9.30pm

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Hello, I'm married and in my 30s. We don't yet have kids but was hoping for some advice as I don't know if I'm overthinking something.

We live in London. A couple of weeks ago, we had agreed to go to my friend's house for dinner on a Saturday eve. She has a husband and two young kids (aged 5 and 7). They live in London too, but due to bad transport links, it takes about an hour to get there by taxi (and longer by public transport)

My husband said he would only come if we arranged to leave at 9.30pm. i told him it was a strange time to leave, and felt a bit uncomfortable saying that to my friend. I thought we should stay till at least 10pm. In the end, I told my friend we'd have to leave at 9.30.

He said to me that the reason was that the journey is long. But he didn't have anything on the next day, and he has stayed out till 11pm at other times (when we're closer to home).So it didn't make sense to me.

I said I would sort us a taxi there and back. Meaning that we'd be home by 11pm on a Saturday night. But he still insisted on leaving at 9.30pm.

I just thought it was odd. Anyone else?

The result was that they had to have dinner ready earlier (rather than a relaxed later one) and their kids joined us (nice to see them, but not relaxing for anyone probably).

For context, I don't often ask him to do things like this. Maybe once every two months. I often see my friends on my own. They are a nice couple and very friendly.

Is there any more information? I mean 10:30pm is a good time to get home from a meal in my book. No?

Is he inflexible about other things? Does he socialise with your friends and family?

Is there any particular reason you have to leave together? Sometimes when we have a joint commitment either I or DH will leave fairly early if we feel like it and the other stays until they feel like coming home - especially if the other people there are more friends of one of us than the other. Was that not an option? If your DH insists you have to do everything together on his terms, you’ve got a problem.

I imagine two x 1 hour taxi rides would cost alot of money

Frankly I think the person who chooses to go home at 9:30, which is currently daylight, in a bustling capital city with 24 hour transport links, sucks up the slightly awkward public transport journey home if they don’t have money for a cab.

It was a fair amount (I booked with uber) - I covered it with my personal expenses account (rather than our joint account) - to try to make things easier, given they were my friends primarily.

I can't understand why anyone would go to the effort of making an internet post about a 30 minute difference. It's honestly not worth bothering about. And what's so 'strange' about 9.30 as a time to leave?

Next time, go on your own.

Then he won't be there to put conditions on the evening.

Is there anything else going on in the marriage? Does he tend to dictate, or call the shots? Does he sulk if you don't 'do as you're told' etc.?

This is insane! Why on earth would you personally foot the bill for a taxi home from something you both attended? Perhaps I am being overly judgmental because we just have a joint account and my husband considers all of the money “ours” even though I am currently a sahm. It would never occur to him to suggest that the money he earns is “his” rather than money for our family.

Yes, your husband was behaving very strangely - I would go as far as to say he was rude and also controlling. Is he usually like this? Can you have a chat with him about how he made you feel?

I would not have bent over backwards with the Uber.
I would have not accepted the dinner invitation unless Dp was happy to leave at a relaxed time.

It would have been acceptable for Dp to want to leave had you had an urgent appointment the following morning or if you were getting over an illness..

Explain to DP that you don't always wish to meet friends alone and that you like his company. Sometimes you will request him to do something not quite to his planning and vise visa.
Explain that you are hurt that you could not influence one hour of his time with his full blessing..

Yeah that's odd if he didn't have anything on the next day and you were getting a taxi home anyway. You can get a taxi at any time.
I would have hung put and just hot a cab back whenever it seemed things were naturally winding down.
V odd to have a set leaving time before you even got there.. and for no real reason.
Seems like he's just a bit resentful of you trying to keep your friendships going.
If I go and see my husbands friends with him I get on board with whatever is happening.. I don't make demands about whats going to happen.. unless I have good reason to ofc like I've got somewhere I need to be next day or whatever

It seems obvious to me that your husband really didn't want to go at all. Did you ask him if that was the case? If so, he should have been honest about it and you and your friend could have had a girl's night out instead.

9.30 on a Saturday? Your husband was sulking and being passive aggressive. And you paid to mollify him.

I would have told him not to come.

I'd say he doesn't particularly like those friends or enjoy their company. Although maybe he thinks two hours travelling for dinner is a lot (which I agree with).

Not sure why you paid for the transport? Unless that was a condition of him going?

I mean it’s not really about whether 9.30 is a reasonable time to leave a dinner party, it’s about insisting on a set time to leave as a condition of going, and requiring the hosts to conform to this, in the absence of a compelling reason. That’s odd, rude, self-absorbed, difficult and inflexble - bordering on controlling. Is he normally like that??

Oh no! This is awful. You don’t leave on a Saturday night at 9:30 after dinner. Really awkward and would spoil the night. Just seems halfhearted and if I was the host would feel that I was not worth the effort of the guest. Who Needs to be home by 10:30 at night? Does he need his slippers by the door too?
Dh is being really antisocial here and controlling. You need to have a massive chat here or take it from me this will get worse. Your friends will stop inviting you. My DH was like this in our 30s before we got married , it was a deal breaker and he insisted he would change . Did and regressed after a few years. Sometimes I think we should not have married. I now frequently attend things on my own because I’d rather this than with an unwilling DH .

He either

1. is controlling
2. didn’t feel great if this is a one off?
3. really didn’t like this couple in particular, in which case you could have gone on your own and he shouldn’t have spoiled it for you.
4. he has anxiety (maybe hidden, possibly linked with being an introvert ) about the time away from home/the journey/the company and can cope if there is a time limit on it.

I am the fourth option, I don’t really drink and my husband is the last man standing and honestly I have found many evenings out excruciating when it seemingly drags on unending. 5 hours can be an awfully long time when you’re sober and struggling to keep smiling.

I’m sorry you had a rotten evening and hope you manage to get to the bottom of it x

The simplest explanation is that he didn't want to go but compromised. Seems fair to me.

He probably just didn’t want to go.

It was probably his idea of a compromise.

If I don’t want to do something with DH I just say so, don’t know if that’s worse or better. See some people think your other half was being passive aggressive.

What you just need is transparency, what time were you getting there and we’re the kids going to be at dinner? I have had friend's who I would happily have dinner with them and their children but others that’s children aren’t such great company.

Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t want a late night?

Oh no! This is awful. You don’t leave on a Saturday night at 9:30 after dinner. Really awkward and would spoil the night.

Awful? Awkward? Spoiling the night?

What in fresh hell??

9:30pm is a totally reasonable time to leave. Mumsnet is 🦇 💩

What stands out here is the lengths you had to go to to ensure he was ok … what about you?

I honestly don’t see anything wrong with this. DH and I have several couple friends dispersed across London and if I’m the one who wants to meet with them, he’ll often say “ok but can we aim to be home by X time?” It’s not controlling, it’s compromise. If we wanted to be out late (which is pretty much never) we’d arrange to meet somewhere in the middle so it’s easier to get home.

I also don’t understand how leaving at 9.30 instead of 10 makes such a huge impact on the dinner itself having to be ready early, or the kids having to staying up, and nobody being able to relax. It is literally 30 minutes.

The only issue would be if it got to 9.30 (or whatever time) and he started being rude and agitated about going immediately - that would be a problem for me. Is that what happened here?

Why bring him along? Just go by yourself, enjoy a long, relaxed evening with friends, and come home when you damn well please.

Alternately, he comes with, leaves at 9 by public transport (as it is a longer journey), and you get a taxi later.

And to everyone saying 9.30 is fine... it wasn't fine with the OP. She didn't want a time limit stamped on her evening. Some people like going out and knowing they can leave fairly early and some people just like to see how the night goes and leave whenever it winds down.

Fgs maybe because it was her friend. Also they have kids and op doesn't so maybe he thought it was a big old bore.