Husband insisted on leaving Saturday night dinner at 9.30pm

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Hello, I'm married and in my 30s. We don't yet have kids but was hoping for some advice as I don't know if I'm overthinking something.

We live in London. A couple of weeks ago, we had agreed to go to my friend's house for dinner on a Saturday eve. She has a husband and two young kids (aged 5 and 7). They live in London too, but due to bad transport links, it takes about an hour to get there by taxi (and longer by public transport)

My husband said he would only come if we arranged to leave at 9.30pm. i told him it was a strange time to leave, and felt a bit uncomfortable saying that to my friend. I thought we should stay till at least 10pm. In the end, I told my friend we'd have to leave at 9.30.

He said to me that the reason was that the journey is long. But he didn't have anything on the next day, and he has stayed out till 11pm at other times (when we're closer to home).So it didn't make sense to me.

I said I would sort us a taxi there and back. Meaning that we'd be home by 11pm on a Saturday night. But he still insisted on leaving at 9.30pm.

I just thought it was odd. Anyone else?

The result was that they had to have dinner ready earlier (rather than a relaxed later one) and their kids joined us (nice to see them, but not relaxing for anyone probably).

For context, I don't often ask him to do things like this. Maybe once every two months. I often see my friends on my own. They are a nice couple and very friendly.

The point isn't whether 9.30 is really early to leave or not (it is really early) but that deciding before you get there when you are leaving is really rude. It means you the guest are deciding for the host how they should host you, when they should feed you and most likely with that early a deadline bolting your food and rushing off.

@LuckySantangelo35 well, it's not something I'd be keen to do even if it was for social reasons.

Some people aren't good travellers, especially after a big meal and a drink or two.

I love that the first thing MN do is jump on the "controlling" band wagon. Lol. Perhaps he wanted an early night after a long week at work? Perhaps go on your own next time. Or classic MN, LTB.

An hour in a taxi? In London?

Anyway he sounds like a total fun sponge. Leave him at home next time.

If I invited a couple, shopped, prepared and cooked for them, and only one of them arrived because the other 'wanted an early night' (absent any illness etc) I'd be unlikely to invite them again.

I do think that MN, more than any other social media, really shows up the huge difference in cultural, familial and gender expectations within this country.

Like many others on this thread, if I invited a couple for a dinner party on a Saturday night I'd be extremely annoyed and/or offended if she turned up alone because "he just didn't fancy it" or if they arrived and announced they were leaving at 930 for no particular reason.

Apparently, this is completely normal in huge swathes of the MN world.

I would NOT be offended if, at the time of the invitation being proffered, I was told, "we're so sorry - we just find it really hard to do later evenings on the weekend. Could we arrange a day event like a BBQ or invite you to ours one night instead?"

But he did not do that. He has accepted the invite, begrudgingly, and is now imposing all sorts of conditions on OP that will make her uncomfortable and embarassed. And those of us with experience of this sort of controlling and manipulative behaviour recognise the whole thing as a common tactic to ensure that a partner is increasingly isolated.

She's not isolated though. She says she does lots of things with her friends without him. It sounds much more like he just doesn't want to do dinner dates with her friends every couple of months, which is fair enough imo and the main issue here is that he's gone along with him but with the limitations. Better that OP doesn't involve him and enjoys her socialising and he can stay in as he likes.

He sounds rude and boring. If you stick around I warn you, he’s only going to get more so.

Frustrating no doubt. I however wouldn't punish both people just because there OH didn't fancy it that night.

It's not about punishing anyone. It's about the time, effort and expense involved. In any other area, if someone shows that they're likely to flake on you for no valid reason, you'd reduce your own effort and commitment.

@BeRealOrca

he doesn’t need an early night on a Saturday night

He doesn't need a dinner date at his wife's friend's house either.

I do sometimes wonder if Mumsnetters really do say the incredibly rude things they advise others to say! "No is a complete sentence" used to be my favorite. But I think turning up at a dinner you were invited to as a couple on your own and saying "Fred just didn't fancy it" has replaced it!

I don’t think leaving at 9:30pm is odd or strange at all given it is a 1hr journey and most would want to be in bed, lights out by 11pm.

I am one of millions of introverts that are happy to go out and socialise on an evening, but need to plan an end time that is within my window of tolerance.

On bed sleeping around 11pm isn’t early?

As much as I understand you, I do think many folks in their 30s do not wish to be home in bed, lights off on a sat night by 11.

As much as I understand you, I do think many folks in their 30s do not wish to be home in bed, lights off on a sat night by 11.

Well the truth is a bit of both isn't it. Some do and some don't. Also it's different staying up later in your own house if you've not been out as it's less tiring than flogging across London for some enforced socialising then flogging back again. If he's stay home, he wouldn't have needed to think about limiting anything as he could please himself what he did till when.

It is for a Saturday night when you've been invited out. Especially in London when distances home might easily mean an hour's travel. I wouldn't expect anyone to be leaving before about 11 after being invited for dinner.

I think he was hoping that you’d say 9:30 is too early and excuse him from the obligation to go.

I bet you’re reconsidering asking him to come next time- in which case mission accomplished.

The ones with young children do- like OP’s hosts- you don’t get lie ins past 7am once a parent on any day. I didn’t know about you, but my 30s was a blur of exhaustion and little sleep due to babies, toddlers, nursery and work.

If I were hosting with children of 5 and 7, I would not want dinner guest lingering past 10pm. A “we plan to leave around 9:30 because it’s an hour drive” would be a huge relief to me. I could wave goodbye, get the dishes and clean up done, relax a bit with my husband, shower, read a chapter and be sleeping by 11pm so I could get up with the DC when they pop out of bed like little whirlwinds of energy between 6 and 7 am.

Late dinner parties are not very compatible with family life when either couple has young DC.

Seriously? You think 'most' childless city-dwelling people in their early 30s would want to be in bed by 11pm every Saturday night, and would not be able to make an exception for one evening when they'd been invited for dinner with friends?

I'm in my late 40s and I know literally nobody who would leave a weekend social event at 9.30pm. I'm sure people might be in bed for 11pm if they're not going out, but the vast majority of people make exceptions for a night out. Generally speaking, when my friends and I eat at other's houses, we wouldn't even have finished eating by 9.30pm, let alone be getting ready to leave.

Absolutely fine for people to enjoy an early night, especially if they've got to be up for work the next day, but if someone told me they had to leave a dinner party at 9.30pm because they couldn't stay up past 11pm on one Saturday night, I would think they were the wettest lettuce on earth.

The hosts were not childless though, we have two couples in the story. One with young DC. So to me, the idea the childless couple left at 9:30pm seems very courteous and understanding of how exhausting family life can be. You want to socialise but you can’t do the talk until midnight thing anymore.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

its hardly late!

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

some can! Some people with young kids can stay up past midnight especially when there is booze involved! They wanna make the most of adult only time 🥂

Yes, agree it is neither late nor early.