Husband insisted on leaving Saturday night dinner at 9.30pm

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Hello, I'm married and in my 30s. We don't yet have kids but was hoping for some advice as I don't know if I'm overthinking something.

We live in London. A couple of weeks ago, we had agreed to go to my friend's house for dinner on a Saturday eve. She has a husband and two young kids (aged 5 and 7). They live in London too, but due to bad transport links, it takes about an hour to get there by taxi (and longer by public transport)

My husband said he would only come if we arranged to leave at 9.30pm. i told him it was a strange time to leave, and felt a bit uncomfortable saying that to my friend. I thought we should stay till at least 10pm. In the end, I told my friend we'd have to leave at 9.30.

He said to me that the reason was that the journey is long. But he didn't have anything on the next day, and he has stayed out till 11pm at other times (when we're closer to home).So it didn't make sense to me.

I said I would sort us a taxi there and back. Meaning that we'd be home by 11pm on a Saturday night. But he still insisted on leaving at 9.30pm.

I just thought it was odd. Anyone else?

The result was that they had to have dinner ready earlier (rather than a relaxed later one) and their kids joined us (nice to see them, but not relaxing for anyone probably).

For context, I don't often ask him to do things like this. Maybe once every two months. I often see my friends on my own. They are a nice couple and very friendly.

I was thinking that. Maybe he's just not into this couple. Could you just see your friend separately sometimes - go out for dinner or something?
I have to say paying for two 1 hour taxi rides seems crazy to me. Couldn't you and your friend meet halfway, somewhere in London?
It's nice when couples get on but it seems like your husband would rather not be involved.

I am aware the booze loving parents often stay up late reliving their 20s, but then that usually means young DC are left to shift for themselves until the following afternoon. Perhaps even navigating mess left untidied and grumpy parents with hangovers snapping at them. Unless they have a live in nanny..

This couple are more your friends than his, and I guess he did not fancy staying too late and then doing an hour long taxi ride. I don't think that's particularly unreasonable if that's how he felt.

But you should've stayed later and just let him leave then. He shouldn't be forcing you to do so.

Next time it might be better not to bring him. He seems like he's doing it as a duty rather than enjoying it. And there's no point in that.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

im glad we agree that OP’s husband is a wet wipe. Wanting to leave a dinner party at 9.30pm on a Saturday night…pfft! The night has only just begun 🥂

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

haha it won’t do them any harm to have a chilled out day if parents are a bit worse for wear every so often after a night with their pals. People don’t just become tee total robots with no wants and needs of their own just cos they become parents,

He didn't want to come so made it awkward. I'd apologise to your friends and say you'll come alone next time. Is he like this about other social arrangements that you make?

He wanted you to say 'it's fine I'll go on my own'. He sounds dull, who needs to be heading home by 9.30 on a Saturday night.

I don't like late nights but even I can last out till 10pm for a dinner with friends. But aside from that it's a very grudging acceptance of an invitation, if he wasn't keen he just should not have gone. My partner sometimes goes out with friends and if I am tired or don't feel like it I stay home.

I suspect the conditions he put on it were to dissuade you from asking him again. He's making it awkward and too much trouble for a reason.

Is he always an early to bed sort of a guy, when out with his own friends?

Doesn't sound like he much wanted to go, pop along in your own next time.

Haha my parents were like that (minus a nanny) and it did me great harm as eldest daughter. Cleaning up their vomit and food/booze spills, gathering glass bottles and dirty glasses up so little ones wouldn’t break them and cut themselves, getting breakfast and often lunch for myself and the little ones, trying to keep them quiet, no TV or radio or other noise allowed, curtains to be shut, not allowed to leave the house.

Yeah really fun Sundays!

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

i don’t think op has said anything about drinking to the point of vomiting or smashing glasses. Most adults are able to drink and enjoy themselves without it getting to that point.

Its not either/or - you have to be teetotal in bed for 11pm or pissed up vomming and smashing stuff , there’s a middle ground.

Some people aren't good travellers, especially after a big meal and a drink or two

Me. I'd be dying for a pee before I got home.

@WhatsUpNowThen

go before you set off?

Perhaps, yes. But it's very clear from her OP that she really really wanted him to come to this event and to spend time with her and her friends, which he is not currently doing.

And, again, experience tells me that in this sort of situation, it is often the case that over time, the woman will start to see her friends less. Because it gets embarassing always turning up to couple events alone. And because she becomes conscious that she has not spent time with him and perhaps he wants her to.

It is absolutely true that I am extrapolating on this thread. But I've been here before, I've seen these situations on MN and in real life and my sensors are ringing. There are subtle signals here.

Plus, other posters think this might be a poster who was pretty active a few months ago with a very very obviously controlling DH. They might well be right in which case this is the tip of the iceberg. Certainly, that other poster would come on with one or two posts, always very late at night, and then disappear for days at a time so i think this could be her again too.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I think it's bizarre to suggest that parents have to be up at 7 o'clock at weekends! Of course it's different with young babies but by 5 or 7 children should be able to understand that it's not normal for their parents to want to get up really early at the weekend and they should be able to either play or read in their rooms until a parent gets up. We were never up before 9 at weekends unlessnee were going out when our daughter was that age.

Yes, exactly that. Also, nobody is suggesting that the parents drink themselves into such a state that they can't function at all the next morning. I am often out drinking and eating till 1-2 in the morning but I am still up at 7am taking my dog out for a walk. This is just a regular dinner party at home, not a rave.

I could go before I set off and still be desperate half an hour later

We had been invited as a couple. I do often meet my friend alone, separately. But this was a couple thing and after accepting the invite, it would have been odd to then say it's just me coming.

This is one of the wildest things I’ve ever read on MN.

No, most people do NOT want to be in bed asleep at 11pm on. Saturday night - you might want to be, but that is not the general norm at ALL!

We would certainly be talking on the way home about a dinner party guest that scuttled off by 9.30 pm with no actual reason. Very weird and rude to the hosts who will
have tidied up and shopped and cooked. . The norm here is to leave a dinner party between 11.30-12.30.

Thanks all. It is reassuring that others also think it's odd. My husband does like the couple (they are friendly and interested in people/ life). I've been friends with the wife since I was 18.

But after we agreed to go, during our discussions about the leaving time, he started saying that the last time we went, which was over 2 years ago, it 'wasn't much craic (fun)' and he started saying my friends generally are not much fun.

This is not true. They're fun in a normal way and chat is easy.

And he said that he didn't want to go, and complained about using up his Saturday night for this.

When he came, he was very charming and chatty. He did say we could turn up earlier (so it wasn't necessarily about cutting the time short). But it made it awkward.

.... I raised it with him again this morning. I said I wasn't happy about him dictating and early leaving time. He said I was nitpicking and said I should be grateful he came and that he made an effort with them when there.

Given your update, it isn't really 'odd' at all. He doesn't find them much fun and didn't want to go. So he put a time limit on it because he didn't want to stay late. You know why he did it.

He sounds like an ass.

I would feel offended and quite hurt if I was the host couple. The message is pretty clear from your husband- you are boring gits and I am here on sufferance. Absolutely mortifying. Not going at all with a decent excuse would have been preferable.