Husband insisted on leaving Saturday night dinner at 9.30pm

[Mallardink]

Hello, I'm married and in my 30s. We don't yet have kids but was hoping for some advice as I don't know if I'm overthinking something.

We live in London. A couple of weeks ago, we had agreed to go to my friend's house for dinner on a Saturday eve. She has a husband and two young kids (aged 5 and 7). They live in London too, but due to bad transport links, it takes about an hour to get there by taxi (and longer by public transport)

My husband said he would only come if we arranged to leave at 9.30pm. i told him it was a strange time to leave, and felt a bit uncomfortable saying that to my friend. I thought we should stay till at least 10pm. In the end, I told my friend we'd have to leave at 9.30.

He said to me that the reason was that the journey is long. But he didn't have anything on the next day, and he has stayed out till 11pm at other times (when we're closer to home).So it didn't make sense to me.

I said I would sort us a taxi there and back. Meaning that we'd be home by 11pm on a Saturday night. But he still insisted on leaving at 9.30pm.

I just thought it was odd. Anyone else?

The result was that they had to have dinner ready earlier (rather than a relaxed later one) and their kids joined us (nice to see them, but not relaxing for anyone probably).

For context, I don't often ask him to do things like this. Maybe once every two months. I often see my friends on my own. They are a nice couple and very friendly.

Sounds like he was being awkward on purpose because he didn't want to go.

Sad, really when it gets to that. Yes, people shouldn't be forced to do stuff they don't want to but you'd hope by more actively taking an interest in other people they might find some common ground.

I hope he's not like that generally and you get to choose some of the things you do instead of everything being his idea. Not least because it's a big burden trying to decide everything a couple does together. Alternative is, of course, more time apart. But that's not exactly sharing experiences is it?

They are your friends and he made you feel uncomfortable because of that. He

behaved very poorly here and did go there under sufferance. I would think that if these people were “his” friends he would have been the life and soul. Does he have friends?.

I would seriously consider if you want to have children at all by this man because these types as well really do want everything their own way. I was wondering along similar lines as the poster Idliketobeafraser.

@Mallardink Have you posted about him before? Is this tip of the iceberg?

Right - so there you go. Despite your first par, he doesn't actually like them very much and doesn't want to spend his Saturday nights with them. You find them fun. He doesn't so much. I really don't get why people have to make their fun contingent on other people joining in with it when they aren't enjoying it. It's like the PPs on here telling the introverts how bizarre they are because normal people all do xyz. There's no allowances made for people having different ideas of what fun is, just the idea that this guy is a wetwipe who should do what OP wants because dinner parties are so thrilling. For some people, they're just not.

Clearly this DH is one of them and whether he once liked these friends or not, he's not into them now. That's not controlling or isolating as long as he's happy for OP to see and do whatever she pleases fun-wise and he can do the same. Lots of couples understand this about each other and get along perfectly well. But by claiming that your DH likes these friends when the rest of your post indicates he actually doesn't and would rather not have seen them, then you're creating the odd situation where he has to go along with it but doesn't want to.

I stand patronised

I am aware the booze loving parents often stay up late reliving their 20s, but then that usually means young DC are left to shift for themselves until the following afternoon. Perhaps even navigating mess left untidied and grumpy parents with hangovers snapping at them. Unless they have a live in nanny..

Most people who aren't teetotal can probably enjoy some drinks through the evening and be perfectly compos mentis the next day.

Indeed. When we have friends staying we usually stay up till about 12 with a few drinks. Still leave the place clean and tidy before going to bed and up as normal with DC in the morning.

Going past 9.30 really isn't the hallmark of a wild and irresponsible evening.

You should be “grateful” he went grudgingly, with a metaphorical sigh and eye-roll, forcing the hosts to change their plans to suit him because he’s SO much better than them and wants everyone to know it?? What an arse. Thinks rather well of himself, doesn’t he?

This. He doesn’t really like them but makes and effort while there but would happily leave as soon as possible. Pretty simple and obvious.

Still rude though isn’t it? Changing the whole tenor of the evening and going home halfway through. Once every 2 years is “too much” for him - would not be impressed at all.

Who travels an hr across london for dinner? And maybe coz uz have no kids and they are primarily your friends he just wasnt that fussed. Id rather my partner went on their own enjoyed themselves and came home whenever. To be honest i cant think of anything worse eating dinner with someone else's kids an my other halfs boring pals.
next time maybe suggest a restaurant in the middle as a compromise might make it more appealing to ur hubby?

In these circumstances he’s put a timing on you enjoying yourself, so you never fully relax. Is it controlling? I don’t know just off to me.

I find it strange that either of you are making such a big deal about half an hour.
He wanted to leave at 9.30 and you wanted to stay until 10.
Either just pick one or meeting in the middle.
If I knew that I had to travel for an hour to get home I would like to know a rough time of when I was planning to leave rather than just playing it by ear.
If he wanted to leave at 6pm and you wanted to stay until 10pm then okay that's a bit more of an issue. But I don't see why either of you would turn 30 mins into such a big issue.

Does he always get home so early? I mean staying out until 11pm is hardly a problem for a normal adult!

When he complains that going to your friends for dinner ruins his Saturday night what is it stopping him doing? What would he be doing instead?

If he is normally such a wet blanket I’d suggest you leave him behind next time & leave him at home with his slippers & cocoa 😉

That you even do this speaks poorly for the future.

I cant imagine the dystopian horror you'll be living in if you ever have kids with him 🥴😵😵‍💫😱😱😱😱

My point was, I think it's negligible to him - and it was more about him not wanting to go, which I think OP needs to be having words about

He sounds selfish and controlling.