Husband insisted on leaving Saturday night dinner at 9.30pm

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Hello, I'm married and in my 30s. We don't yet have kids but was hoping for some advice as I don't know if I'm overthinking something.

We live in London. A couple of weeks ago, we had agreed to go to my friend's house for dinner on a Saturday eve. She has a husband and two young kids (aged 5 and 7). They live in London too, but due to bad transport links, it takes about an hour to get there by taxi (and longer by public transport)

My husband said he would only come if we arranged to leave at 9.30pm. i told him it was a strange time to leave, and felt a bit uncomfortable saying that to my friend. I thought we should stay till at least 10pm. In the end, I told my friend we'd have to leave at 9.30.

He said to me that the reason was that the journey is long. But he didn't have anything on the next day, and he has stayed out till 11pm at other times (when we're closer to home).So it didn't make sense to me.

I said I would sort us a taxi there and back. Meaning that we'd be home by 11pm on a Saturday night. But he still insisted on leaving at 9.30pm.

I just thought it was odd. Anyone else?

The result was that they had to have dinner ready earlier (rather than a relaxed later one) and their kids joined us (nice to see them, but not relaxing for anyone probably).

For context, I don't often ask him to do things like this. Maybe once every two months. I often see my friends on my own. They are a nice couple and very friendly.

I personally think a 30 minute difference in leaving time is negligible, and don't understand why 9.30 is a strange time to leave, or any more so than 10 - but I also appreciate I'm being biased as I'd prefer to be home by 9! But I think his excuse is a load of old rubbish if he usually stays out until 11! I think it's more a case of him not really wanting to go - which I would say, if it's important to you that he specialises and makes an effort occasionally with your friends, would warrant a sit down and a chat.

Socialises! I beg your pardon. Specialising in your friends is a bit much to ask 😂

Sounds like a control thing because he didn't want to go

I only agree to go to my in laws if I have a concrete 6.30pm leaving time as it's always an 'arrive at 12' and I'm sick of socialising by then

I don't get people saying he probably didn't want to go as if that makes his rudeness OK.

Going to the event half heartedly and insisting it is cut short is not a "compromise", it's a waste of time that makes no one happy.

If you are a couple, sometimes you go to events you wouldn't choose for yourself because it makes your partner happy.

A genuine compromise is that sometimes you do what your partner wants even though you don't fancy it for yourself, and sometimes they do what you want even though they don't fancy it, and when you it's your turn to compromise you do it with good grace and commit to the event properly like a grown up. You don't do it in such a way as to spoil it for your partner, because if you do that you might as well not bother at all.

Reading between the lines, there's more to this isn't there? He doesn't like your friends/family so you have to act like he's doing you a favour if he agrees to spend time with them? And then when he does, he makes it difficult and awkward? AND you havr to basically make financial recompense too?!

For the record, 930 is definitely a strange time to.leave a dinner party in London. Especially if the hosts have children and want to do dinner after bed time.

What else is going on?

Bet you felt about 12 telling your mate what time you had to leave by..

I'm not sure what the problem is with 9:30- seems quite a normal time to leave to me, if it changed the time you ate then you must have been eating pretty late to start with.
However I don't think he should be dictating what time you leave, it should be an agreement or you could leave separately or he could decide not to come.

That half hour meant that the hosts had to change their plan. They had to serve the meal early, and that early start clashed with their bedtime routine for their children.

Basically everyone had to compromise and do stuff the hard way because of DH's weird obsession with leaving unusually early.

As they have DC maybe he thought your visit would disrupt their bedtime routine and so if you left early they could get the DC to bed at a reasonable time?
Or did he just not want to go for the entire evening because of the awkward and expensive journey?

Dinner at eight is pretty standard. And if you're having a relaxed dinner with friends and a nice drink and chat, an hour and a half doesn't cut it.

@saraclara dinner at 8 would feel very late to me. Yes I appreciate 90mins isn't really enough for a relaxed meal with friends.
But the issue isn't really what time he wanted to leave it's the way he went about it.

It sounds like he couldn't be arsed with all the travel but that's not an excuse to be rude and make everyone else change their plans around.

Isn’t it obvious, he didn’t wish to go so wanted to get out of there.

Really?? Who goes home at 9:30 on a Saturday night? If the hosts had kids they probably wouldn’t have been ready to eat until 8/8:30 and then you’re wolfing down dinner and legging it.

i find it totally batshit that a grown ass adult has to go home at 9:30 🤷‍♀️

All sounds controlling but that said, leaving at 9.30pm seems about normal following having dinner, personally I'm not keen on eating later than 7.30, ideally earlier for health reasons. In 30 odd years of going to dinners at friends houses, it's very rare not to leave by 9.30.

If you were invited for after the children's bedtime and that didn't work for him, I don't understand why you didn't go by yourself especially as they're your friends.

Usually, the host decides the time that people should come round especially if they have young children.

You said they are your friends? Sounds to me he just didn’t want to be there any longer than he needs to be. Have you actually asked him if he want to go and enjoys it? Might be better to just see them on your own in future.

@saraclara

I've never been invited to dinner at 8 in my life, typically 6.30 or 7, 7.30 if adults only. I've cooked many a time always canapés and drinks from 7 then serve main at 7.30

You don't leave a dinner party at 9.30pm. You normally arrive for 7.30/8, eat half an hour later or so. Leaving at 9.30pm means you have basically just shoved food down your throat, said thank you and left. It seems very rude to the people who have spent time and money putting it all together. I don't think I have ever left a party earlier than 11pm, but usually it's around midnight or later.

He doesn’t want to spend tie with these people, so by leaving at 9.30 with the excuse of travel tie it rand the tie is reduced

Just go on your own next time. Who goes to dinner and leaves at 9.30pm that's weird and unsociable. Does he do this if you go out to a restaurant with friends as well? I live in London and yes public transport can be a bit inconvenient but it's not that bad.

And make sure he isn't dictating in other parts of you life together. He sounds sulky and like he's trying to control you by making things difficult. If he really didn't want to go he should have said so. If you are planning kids, consider what he'll be like then.

The particular reason probably is that couples usually leave dinner dates together 🙄

The result was that they had to have dinner ready earlier (rather than a relaxed later one) and their kids joined us (nice to see them, but not relaxing for anyone probably).

So all of this would have changed if you'd stayed an extra 30 minutes?

Maybe he was just feeling a bit tired or not up to it and wanted to be in bed earlier, nothing wrong with that

It's an hour to go anywhere in London to meet friends for dinner!

9.30 to leave if you have no kids is really early. Says he doesn't want to be there. 10-10.30 to ensure get last trains (if an issue) is much more normal.

@DidILeaveTheGasOn

no. It’s too early. It’s a Saturday night ffs