Husband insisted on leaving Saturday night dinner at 9.30pm

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Hello, I'm married and in my 30s. We don't yet have kids but was hoping for some advice as I don't know if I'm overthinking something.

We live in London. A couple of weeks ago, we had agreed to go to my friend's house for dinner on a Saturday eve. She has a husband and two young kids (aged 5 and 7). They live in London too, but due to bad transport links, it takes about an hour to get there by taxi (and longer by public transport)

My husband said he would only come if we arranged to leave at 9.30pm. i told him it was a strange time to leave, and felt a bit uncomfortable saying that to my friend. I thought we should stay till at least 10pm. In the end, I told my friend we'd have to leave at 9.30.

He said to me that the reason was that the journey is long. But he didn't have anything on the next day, and he has stayed out till 11pm at other times (when we're closer to home).So it didn't make sense to me.

I said I would sort us a taxi there and back. Meaning that we'd be home by 11pm on a Saturday night. But he still insisted on leaving at 9.30pm.

I just thought it was odd. Anyone else?

The result was that they had to have dinner ready earlier (rather than a relaxed later one) and their kids joined us (nice to see them, but not relaxing for anyone probably).

For context, I don't often ask him to do things like this. Maybe once every two months. I often see my friends on my own. They are a nice couple and very friendly.

Really?? Who goes home at 9:30 on a Saturday night?

Lots of people 🤷‍♀️

Especially when you then have to spend an hour in a taxi/uber, or even longer on public transport to get home again.

I suspect it has to do with the journey. At least two hours of travelling just to have dinner at someone's house sounds like a lot of unnecessary faff to me 😂

Well then he shouldn't have said yes to coming at all. The people who invited him had most likely spent the day cleaning their house, planning and buying food for the dinner, spent lots of money on food and wine only for this man to show up and wanting to leave as soon as he possibly could. It's really rude to do that. They had also planned it in a way that their kids was going to be in bed so that gives an indication of what kind of evening they were looking forward to. Instead they all had to accommodate this one guest.

OP saying 10pm I'm gussing is because it's would have been a compromise. Not because she wanted to leave at 10pm. Most people don't go to dinners with a strict curfew.

It's strange that you can't see that it's strange. If I go out to dinner with friends, or if I'm entertaining, I'd definitely expect still to be having a nice relaxing chat at that time, either around the dinner table or over a coffee. I don't normally expect guests to leave till 10 at the earliest.

Most people don't go to dinners with a strict curfew.

They do when it takes an hour in a taxi to get home, or even longer by public transport 🤷‍♀️

I don't normally post, but have you posted before about your husband?
Parents not allowed to stop
Parents not allowed to go on holiday
Clothes you're not allowed to wear?
Has the penny not dropped yet?
The not allowed bit is always there
You've had loads of advice about him, time to act on that advice I think because it's not going to get better or at least stop taking this shit and being so passive

You’ll not get much sympathy here Op, lots of mumsnetters can’t abide socialising and if they do they make sure they’re home and in their jammies by 8pm!

I think it sounds bizarre. No-one would usually think of leaving at 9.30 - if you have friends for dinner, most people wouldn't have finished eating by that time! If we have friends over for a meal, I wouldn't expect them to leave before midnight and would feel quite affronted if they left at 9.30.

Why does that matter? It's a Saturday night. If the OP's husband had to be up at the crack of dawn to go to work or something she probably would have mentioned it. Since that's not the case why would it be so bad to stay out till midnight or something when people have gone through the trouble of hosting you?

Sounds like he didn't really want to be there and the 9:30am thing was him forcing you home quicker as he wanted to be home rather than out with your friends.

Also, it seems pretty clear to me that OP didn't want to leave at 10. She offered 10 as a compromise - he wanted to leave at 9:30. She wanted to leave at whatever time seemed appropriate depending on everyone having a good time but most likely well after 10:30 like people have been leaving London dinner parties for 100s of years....

You think it's her? I didn't think she lived in London so didn't clock this. I was thinking about that poster the other day and hoping she'd woken up but if you're right.... apparently not.

OP I also know you probably won't come back or will come back eventually with another reason why he's justified but if it IS you, please please please listen to us - this man is controlling and abusive and is doing his best to get you away from your friends and family. Once you have children with him you will be even more trapped than you already are.

@RoachFish because not everyone enjoys travelling or having to sit in a taxi for an hour after an evening of drinking?

@fieldsofbutterflies

its not exactly hard sitting on your arse in a taxi is it? And that’s just sometimes what we have to do if we wanna maintain friendships and have a social life

I am in my 60s and wouldn’t dream of leaving so early if someone had made the effort to host me . It does surprise me how some people view 9.30 as late especially in London where everything is open late and transport is generally good . I was married to a man who was old before his time . I got rid of him !

Both rude and weird.

It really isn't if its a social evening meal with friends. If there are children to put to bed beforehand, starting to eat before 8 is nigh on impossible.

Man alive, if my dinner guests left at 9.30pm on a Saturday night I’d be convinced I’d offended then. Hell, at 9.30pm we have probably not had the main course yet.

So in my view he’s being uptight and boring, plus he probably didn’t even want to go. Leave him at home next time cos he sounds like a bore….

People really have lost all social skills haven't they?

All these posters thinking the point of a dinner party is to eat early then dash home! The point is to spend the evening together over food. I wouldn't leave before 10.30 and likely later, depending on transport options. I would be so offended if friends dashed off at 9.30. My book club used to go to 11pm as standard.

@rubyroola

yeah he needs his pipe and slippers and armchair by 10pm sharp

That’s what I think!

Complete lack of social skills and etiquette - it’s not eat and run and be back home as early as possible, ffs!

Completely normal for London.

I suspect it had to do with keeping op in mine..
The only people told a time to be home are dc under 16 ime.. Next time go alone and stay over.... Enjoy your life op. You only get 1.

For context, I don't often ask him to do things like this. Maybe once every two months.

\My first thought was that once every two months is often to have dinner with people who aren't his friends. I wouldn't want to use up my Saturday nights having dinner that often with people I'm not bothered about. If he doesn't want to do these dinners, don't do the coupley dinner thing, do other stuff with your friends. As you say you do, but do that more rather than involving him this much. It doesn't really matter if he 'wasn't doing anything' the next day. That's what a weekend is for, if that's how he wants to spend it. I'd dial back the expectation for him to do these things to only stuff he actually wants to do, or two or three times a year for stuff that he doesn't want to do but will tolerate for your sake. It's not controlling or weird to want to enjoy your time off not making small talk till late with your DW's couple friends.