Husband always angry

[Dontknowwhattodo2024]

Husband is angry with me at least once a day, often more. He criticises most things that I do and orders me about, he micro manages everything I do and tells me how to do things whilst I’m doing them. Simple things like loading the dishwasher but I never do it right in his eyes.

He walks around with a running commentary of complaints and criticisms about absolutely everything (spilt milk, crumbs, clothes that need putting away you name it). I honestly can’t remember a day that ive had where he hasn’t been mean to me.

he calls me all sorts of horrible names the c word etc and shouts and threatens to take away my money ( he gives me an allowance each month to top up my pay as I work part time). I have a great job but it’s shit in his opinion and he always belittles my contribution. I’m working part time looking after two preschool children and will go full time once they are in school. This was the deal we both made before having children but he now uses it as another thing to have a go at me about and calls me a sponge etc.

we went away for a family gathering in London a couple of weeks ago and he just ruined the whole weekend. Constant nasty remarks about my family and the place and the food all being awful apparently. It just ruined it and I was so embarrassed, a few family members kept asking if he was ok as they had obviously heard him speaking to me badly at some point. On the way home he threatened to leave me on the side of the road.

when I challenge how a behaviour he gets so angry and grumpy with me for days it’s not even worth it anymore. He counts down from 10 and repeats sentences dramatically slowly if I try to interupt what he’s saying and always cuts me off when I have a good point to make and tells me to shut up or he’ll threaten to do something. He also always makes me apologise. It’s always my fault and I have to beg his forgiveness. He’s never wrong or apologised to me ever.

can I get some advice on how to deal with this? We have a nice time together in between this and he’s great in so many other ways. I just want some tools to be able to deal with him and make him happy.

The only way to deal with this is to divorce the arsehole

'and make him happy.'

why ?!!!

what does he do to deserve that ?!!!

what a shame you had 2 children with him.

leave / divorce / claim CMS / move on

Why do you stay?

What do you want your children to learn about what is the norm within relationships?

I cannot see any reason at all that redeems him?

You get one life . Just one. Don't waste it this way op.

Divorce him. He's an abusive bully. He won't change. All that will change is you will become a shadow of yourself. Also, your kids will start talking to you the way he does because that's what they are seeing.

You leave him. He's abusive.

There's nothing you can do or say that will be right. He will always find something to fault because the point is not that you've done anything wrong, it's that he likes the way it feels when he gets angry with you. He likes hurting you, upsetting you, and making you apologise when you've done nothing wrong.

The fault doesn't lie with you. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy bancroft (this should be a link to download the book for free)

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi0oZi9rfeGAxX8if0HHZL_BCAQFnoECDIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt

I’m sorry but this is abuse. Please seek support to exit this toxic relationship. Wishing you the best

He is abusive and won't ever change. You need to leave this abusive relationship. Do the freedom programme and talk to womens aid about ways to make plans to leave. Your life will be so much better without him. Your family can see he is abusive. Ask for their support. Best wishes xx

Please contact Womens Aid for advice about how to leave your abusive husband. This is no way to live. There is a better future ahead without him.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. This is no remodel to be showing your children either, they will be affected by this within their home.

The so called nice times are actually the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one,

Don't be ridiculous op. (If this is real) get you and your children away from him ASAP.

Thanks everyone, leaving isn’t an option and the thought of having to split time with my children is unbearable. The children don’t see or witness anything. I was just looking for ways to deal with him To stop him being angry and the right ways to respond.

You can’t, that’s the point. Nothing you ever do will be good enough in his eyes. He treats you with contempt, and soon he will treat the kids with contempt and they will start to absorb it all and think it’s normal too.

It’s not. It’s abuse. You can’t change him, you can only change how you respond.

I appreciate what everyone’s saying but I’m not sure it’s so black and white. He’s wonderful in so many ways. I just want to repair things

"I honestly can’t remember a day that ive had where he hasn’t been mean to me. "

There's little wonderful or worth redemption in that statement. You cannot remember the last day you weren't being bullied by your husband.

So the children don't see or witness his abusive behaviour but your family members spotted it very quickly, Op? Don't kid yourself.

You need to be honest about what is happening in your family. Apologies if I sound rude, I don't mean to be.

He is a nasty bully and an abusive arsehole. He doesn’t love you, because that’s not how anyone treats the person they love. Ever.

I know it’s easy to write a post in a forum telling someone else to end their marriage when it’s not you who will have to deal with the consequences of doing so. But you really should consider how much longer you want to stay with this cretin, and what an exit strategy might look like.

Good luck.

It's not your job to appease him.
Marriage is a partnership, both parties pulling together for a common goal.
Suggest counselling. If he says no and is not willing to change you have your answer.

Second suggestion. Buy an air horn and sound it every time he says something negative.

OP you are not causing your DH's bullying and abusive behaviour. I think you know really that your actions are not making him angry. He is choosing to behave like this. It is not in your power to change him.

I am sorry you are being treated like this and that your children are growing up around watching their mum being abused.

Can you imagine a life free of the criticism and meanness?

He’s great in so many other ways? What ways exactly? He sounds vile and abusive. Divorce him. I’d be seeking legal advice asap. He is abusing you.

@Dontknowwhattodo2024
It is never black and white in real life.
You won't be able to find his happiness for him only he can do that.
Have you suggested therapy as a couple or singular to find out where his anger is coming from?
This is the only suggestion of a tool I van think for you.
The children will see more than you know, they always do.
Please consider your situation, there are organisations and support groups that will be able to help when/if you want it.
I feel for you OP 💐

You're being abused and controlled!

GET OUT!

Sorry, but if your family, who you don't see every day, noticed, why won't your children? You can't manage or change a man like this. This is him, so you either leave or put up with it.

You don't deserve it though

Oh OP you can't. He is an abusive man and he always will be.

I understand not leaving now, I didn't leave until my children were at school because I couldn't bear them being with him as he could not cope with them at all and I needed them to verbalise if he had hurt them.

You have one life OP, do you want to spend it miserably?

You cannot change him or fix him. This is abuse and as much as you'd like to think your kids don't see it, they absolutely do. You relationship is the model that your children will base their adult relationships on. I know it isn't easy but I would really encourage you to contact women's aid or look into the freedom program because this is not normal.
It's very common for women in these situations to say oh but he's wonderful the rest of the time because our brains would rather focus on the 30mins he's nice a month rather than acknowledging the abuse the rest of the time.
Please think of your children and get help.

Please don’t kid yourself that your children don’t see this, they absolutely do.