Husband always angry

[Dontknowwhattodo2024]

Husband is angry with me at least once a day, often more. He criticises most things that I do and orders me about, he micro manages everything I do and tells me how to do things whilst I’m doing them. Simple things like loading the dishwasher but I never do it right in his eyes.

He walks around with a running commentary of complaints and criticisms about absolutely everything (spilt milk, crumbs, clothes that need putting away you name it). I honestly can’t remember a day that ive had where he hasn’t been mean to me.

he calls me all sorts of horrible names the c word etc and shouts and threatens to take away my money ( he gives me an allowance each month to top up my pay as I work part time). I have a great job but it’s shit in his opinion and he always belittles my contribution. I’m working part time looking after two preschool children and will go full time once they are in school. This was the deal we both made before having children but he now uses it as another thing to have a go at me about and calls me a sponge etc.

we went away for a family gathering in London a couple of weeks ago and he just ruined the whole weekend. Constant nasty remarks about my family and the place and the food all being awful apparently. It just ruined it and I was so embarrassed, a few family members kept asking if he was ok as they had obviously heard him speaking to me badly at some point. On the way home he threatened to leave me on the side of the road.

when I challenge how a behaviour he gets so angry and grumpy with me for days it’s not even worth it anymore. He counts down from 10 and repeats sentences dramatically slowly if I try to interupt what he’s saying and always cuts me off when I have a good point to make and tells me to shut up or he’ll threaten to do something. He also always makes me apologise. It’s always my fault and I have to beg his forgiveness. He’s never wrong or apologised to me ever.

can I get some advice on how to deal with this? We have a nice time together in between this and he’s great in so many other ways. I just want some tools to be able to deal with him and make him happy.

Op I'd start with seeking some therapy for yourself. Focusing on your own self-esteem and assertiveness. It's generally futile to get someone else into therapy, they either recognise there is a problem or they don't. I do think having therapy for yourself will make you feel stronger. Help you assess the situation for what it is. Provide you with tools to deal with it and ultimately help you make a decision around what's in everyone's best interest.

OP, I understand what you’re feeling - I’ve been there. “If I can only make him understand, we can work through it,” I thought.

But he DOES understand. He knows what he’s doing and he’s doing it on purpose. Think about it: how could anyone not know they’re being vile?! He will deny it to gaslight you, but he is treating you this way consciously to control you.

You aren’t the problem here and you can’t change him.

I understand that it may be a long road to this realisation for you, and you may have to go through the process of trying multiple things. But eventually I hope you’ll be able to recognise yourself as a victim of abuse and get free of him. 💐

Your statements and mentality are pretty much the same as any domestic abuse victim.

What can I do to change or stop or repair this?

You can't. You're not causing it and you can't fix it. (He wants you to think you're causing it but you're not).

Only he can stop, but most abusers don't ever do that.

There are two decent books that give you an insight into the mentality you've developed.

One is Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" and the second is Don Hennessy "How he gets in her head".

The Bancroft book and to a lesser extent the Hennessey book are about physical abuse, but both cover all types of abuse.

The Bancroft book is available free online.

The Hennessey book is a bit wordy but ok when you get into it.

Just want to add I’m not a perfect person in any way. Im scatty and have terrible listening skills and often make mistakes so I understand his frustration at me sometimes. I’m shit at keeping house (although it’s hard with two toddles!). He on the other hand is very accomplished, intelligent, does all the cooking and is a very good hands on father . He’s definitely a better person than I am

He's not a better person than you are ... because you are not abusive.

Very good hands on father .... He's not a good father because good fathers don't abuse their kids' mother; their main carer and the person at the core of their lives.

Also, I'm scatty as fuck.

Like stratospheric-level scattiness.

I've been with several men who coped with that without being abusive towards me.
There has been some humour, some exasperation etc. but no abuse.

Oh OP, I've been where you are. I've tried everything to keep an abusive, angry husband happy. Nothing worked for any length of time. It took me years of desperately researching how to help him/cope with his behaviour/etc to realise what was happening and even longer to accept it wouldn't change even with all my considerable strength and effort being poured into that. It escalated to an unbearable point and eventually, despite having been adamant I couldn't leave, I had no choice. It felt as though I was sleepwalking through the steps in the end, propelled by God knows what but I did it.

I always thought I was protecting my kids from the worst of it. I wanted SO badly to make it work. Is he a terrible person? Not 100%, very possibly. Is he BEHAVING abusively? Yes, and while there may be reasons for this, there are NO excuses. Not sure how old your dc are but mine later told me that they thought they were the problem, because I seemed to be fine with how he behaved. I essentially gave them a masterclass in how to put up with abuse and feel terrible about that. He did so much damage. Please at least get yourself some counselling (alone, he'll manipulate anyone you see jointly) and start educating yourself on abusive behaviour. Get as much information together as you can and build your self esteem and resources of all kinds. and eventually you'll come to see the situation you're in clearly and I hope that comes really soon.