Husband always angry

[Dontknowwhattodo2024]

Husband is angry with me at least once a day, often more. He criticises most things that I do and orders me about, he micro manages everything I do and tells me how to do things whilst I’m doing them. Simple things like loading the dishwasher but I never do it right in his eyes.

He walks around with a running commentary of complaints and criticisms about absolutely everything (spilt milk, crumbs, clothes that need putting away you name it). I honestly can’t remember a day that ive had where he hasn’t been mean to me.

he calls me all sorts of horrible names the c word etc and shouts and threatens to take away my money ( he gives me an allowance each month to top up my pay as I work part time). I have a great job but it’s shit in his opinion and he always belittles my contribution. I’m working part time looking after two preschool children and will go full time once they are in school. This was the deal we both made before having children but he now uses it as another thing to have a go at me about and calls me a sponge etc.

we went away for a family gathering in London a couple of weeks ago and he just ruined the whole weekend. Constant nasty remarks about my family and the place and the food all being awful apparently. It just ruined it and I was so embarrassed, a few family members kept asking if he was ok as they had obviously heard him speaking to me badly at some point. On the way home he threatened to leave me on the side of the road.

when I challenge how a behaviour he gets so angry and grumpy with me for days it’s not even worth it anymore. He counts down from 10 and repeats sentences dramatically slowly if I try to interupt what he’s saying and always cuts me off when I have a good point to make and tells me to shut up or he’ll threaten to do something. He also always makes me apologise. It’s always my fault and I have to beg his forgiveness. He’s never wrong or apologised to me ever.

can I get some advice on how to deal with this? We have a nice time together in between this and he’s great in so many other ways. I just want some tools to be able to deal with him and make him happy.

Can you suggest sessions with a relationship therapist? I'm sure that, if you explain to your DH how you feel when he gets angry, if he is as good a man as you suggest, he will do amything to fix the issues.

I know it's not what you want to hear but there is no way to change how he treats you, it's who he is.

he dosnt respect you, he dosnt see your worth, and nothing you can do will change that. Leaving him is the only valid option

Oh… I’m afraid you are in denial or still blind to it. This is textbook, high-level emotional abuse which is bad bad bad. The children will be absorbing it, and he will do it in front of them. Then do it to them or they will start treating you like he does. This is a well-worn road for so, so many. Being nice sometimes is part of the abuse cycle to mess with your head and give you just enough reason to stay.

If you have a daughter, would you accept she needed to placate her husband who treated her like that?

Call women’s aid and they will tell you how bad this is. I think you need that wake-up call

OP, you say husband has running commentary of criticism and complains about everything you do. Gets angry every single day, then stays angry for days? But your children never see it and only witness a healthy, loving relationship?
That's not possible.

OP, as you hopefully know, he is the cunt here. Not you.
Breathtakingly cruel and bullying man. It is inexplicable that he is speaking to you and treating you this way. He is choosing to do this. Do you have people you can talk to honestly about what he is like - your family?
Could you go stay with them?
You need to get out of the orbit of this horrible piece of work. Your life is too short and too precious to spend another week taking his abuse.

I wasn’t sure I was going to post, everyone is saying what I would, then I read this !

please believe me, I’ve been there, of course he’s wonderful in other ways, a loving husband and or father, mine use to say “ I only want to do the best for you, and I criticise because I know you can do better and I want the best for you, and I just want to protect you and help you “ it’s all BS trust me, you listen and watch him with the children and think, he’s not so bad, if I can just get him past this.

you never will, he’s controlling narcissist and the children do see, they might not understand yet, but they will.

the best and hardest thing I ever did was leave him, it took me 6 attempts I kept going back, I believed him, and I was lucky to have a very supportive family.

my turning point was when he went away for a few days, I realised life was so good without him, it still took everything I’ve got but I’m so glad I did.

You can't fix him, you can't control him. He's not wonderful, and your children are being harmed by him. Leaving is always an option.

Your never going to make him happy OP.... He's an abuser. You've just said he criticises you every day multiple times and then said but in between he's fine. How long is in between an hour?

Your being financially abused, controlled and gas lighted. Walk away you can go to woman's aid for help

THIS. It’s him, not you. He’s trying to exorcise whatever demons he has by dripping his poison on you so that you feel as bad as him and he feels momentarily better til the next time. This is deeply fucked up and he’s a pathetic bully.
You are not his emotional punchbag. It’s time to throw out the trash OP.

He’s wonderful in so many ways

Don't be silly. Wonderful men don't behave like that.

He might be nice to you when he wants something from you, but he's absolutely not a wonderful man.

OP you will never make him happy. He’s not normal. If you don’t want to live like this then you need to leave him.

You leave. My dad was like this to my mum. She left and lived a happy life while he's still a bitter old bastard. Good luck.

You are deluding yourself about the children not witnessing any of it. Come on, you know you are.

He’s a bully and he has contempt for you. He doesn’t like you. Stop trying to make him happy and focus on what you need outside of him to make you happy. It’s hard to see how you can remedy this. The only thing is to leave.

What would you say to your kid if they were being bullied and humiliated by a 'friend' every day at school?

"Just stay friends with them forever, they don't bully you the entire time and you have a lot of history"
"It would be a shame if your other friends had to choose between you and you couldn't spend all your time with them, so just put up with it"
"You just need to develop the tools to deal with it and try harder to make your friend happy, then it will stop"
"You decided to make friends with them, now you need to live with it, no matter how they make you feel"

Of course you wouldn't, as it wouldn't be their fault and the only thing you can really do is tell school and avoid the bully. By staying, your teaching the kids the above thought processes and behaviours

Leave him, why should you and especially your children have a shit life to appease him? He's a wanker and it's only going to get worse!

The children don’t see or witness anything.

This is never true. Your children know exactly what's going on. Your husband's treatment of you will literally shape their entire lives. They will grow up thinking the relationship you have modelled for them is acceptable and normal. Your children will pay the price for your decision to remain in this marriage.

@CuteCillian thank you, I have suggested this to him but he’s refused. I wonder if there’s some literature I could send him to read?

x 1000000000000000000000000000000000

I hope you are able to get away OP.
It’s rare for everyone to be in agreement on here isn’t it. It’s because if a close friend shared this, what advice would you give her? What would you say if your daughter had written the above?
I understand it’s hard and feels impossible, I really really do. But you do deserve better and it’s unlikely a man like this would get to see his kids much anyway, because it’s likely he will abuse them too. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your children.

@Dontknowwhattodo2024 I don’t say this lightly but ‘tools to deal with him’? I can only think of the kind that end up with him buried somewhere. Seriously, it is not you, it is him. Do not put up with this absolute *rsehole for another second - do you want kids who turn into gaslighting bullies? No. Please, leave. You deserve better. You are worth so much more.

Relationship counselling is not recommended in abusive relationships. It doesn't help, it makes things more dangerous, and reputable therapists won't work with it.

Just want to add I’m not a perfect person in any way. Im scatty and have terrible listening skills and often make mistakes so I understand his frustration at me sometimes. I’m shit at keeping house (although it’s hard with two toddles!). He on the other hand is very accomplished, intelligent, does all the cooking and is a very good hands on father . He’s definitely a better person than I am. Although I do think I’m much nicer to live with!

I do appreciate all your replies. It has given me lots to think about

I don't like throwing around the term narcissist as it's a severe thing, but he sounds textbook. The nitpicking, feeling like nothing you do is right, as if he knows the perfect way to do everything and you need to learn from him etc.
Get away now.
You're supposed to feel loved and appreciated by your partner.

On sending him literature you could Google and send him the resulting webpages on topics like narcissistic abuse.
I wouldn’t bother though. He knows what he’s doing and doesn’t care about the effect on you. The only literature you could send him that would improve your life is divorce papers.

Has he always been like this or only since you went part time after the DC?
Does he have an anxiety disorder that has not been diagnosed do you think?
I would say to him that you are very unhappy and he needs to sort himself out. If he does have an underlying MH issue he needs to get it sorted and if he doesn't he can start treating you with respect or you and DC are gone.