Husband always angry

[Dontknowwhattodo2024]

Husband is angry with me at least once a day, often more. He criticises most things that I do and orders me about, he micro manages everything I do and tells me how to do things whilst I’m doing them. Simple things like loading the dishwasher but I never do it right in his eyes.

He walks around with a running commentary of complaints and criticisms about absolutely everything (spilt milk, crumbs, clothes that need putting away you name it). I honestly can’t remember a day that ive had where he hasn’t been mean to me.

he calls me all sorts of horrible names the c word etc and shouts and threatens to take away my money ( he gives me an allowance each month to top up my pay as I work part time). I have a great job but it’s shit in his opinion and he always belittles my contribution. I’m working part time looking after two preschool children and will go full time once they are in school. This was the deal we both made before having children but he now uses it as another thing to have a go at me about and calls me a sponge etc.

we went away for a family gathering in London a couple of weeks ago and he just ruined the whole weekend. Constant nasty remarks about my family and the place and the food all being awful apparently. It just ruined it and I was so embarrassed, a few family members kept asking if he was ok as they had obviously heard him speaking to me badly at some point. On the way home he threatened to leave me on the side of the road.

when I challenge how a behaviour he gets so angry and grumpy with me for days it’s not even worth it anymore. He counts down from 10 and repeats sentences dramatically slowly if I try to interupt what he’s saying and always cuts me off when I have a good point to make and tells me to shut up or he’ll threaten to do something. He also always makes me apologise. It’s always my fault and I have to beg his forgiveness. He’s never wrong or apologised to me ever.

can I get some advice on how to deal with this? We have a nice time together in between this and he’s great in so many other ways. I just want some tools to be able to deal with him and make him happy.

Stop gaslighting yourself. You have seen the responses here, you've panicked, and now you're minimising his abuse.

He’s definitely a better person than I am.

Come the fuck on. Stop it.

He's NOT wonderful at all. He's the opposite. He's an absolute bastard. He's controlling and abusive.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do this? Free to download on PDF. Might be eye-opening.

YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE, OP.

You can't change him or his behaviour. All you can do is change how you react to it.

He is NOT. a better person than you. He’s got you believing that there are serious problems with your character. You’re fine - he is the arse. When someone constantly nitpicks like that it undermines their victim’s confidence and causes them to doubt themself.
Often I think they are actually jealous of the person’s happiness and more stable mindset.

I think you should actually read up on narcissistic abuse. There’s loads on it on the web. You’ll see your husband reflected in the descriptions.

I just want some tools to be able to deal with him and make him happy.

Fuck me, OP. This is devastating.

HE IS SO ABUSIVE TO YOU.

Please, for the love of anything, leave him.

Im scatty and have terrible listening skills and often make mistakes

I guarantee you're only like this when he's being a shit to you

The literature you could send him should be divorce papers.

Don't even consider relationship counselling with him as he is an abusive cunt with nothing at all to recommend him. He's not "wonderful" in any way at all as you admit yourself he is mean and nasty to you every day.

Your children absolutely are seeing a lot of this shit.

Every day I’m horrified by something I read on here.

This is today’s. 💔

in what world could he possibility be a better person than you? You’re panicking now at the responses on here so you’re now saying he isn’t that bad. But he is, if what everything you’ve said in your OP is true. You’re being gaslighted and made to feel like you’re not good enough. You need to leave. You can’t fix him. You need to leave for the sake of your children.

@andHelenknowsimmiserablenow its really been apparent since covid lockdowns which is also when I had my first child. Since then he works from home so I’m spending all the time with him. Didn’t really notice it before then honestly! His mum has severe mental health issues that he grew up with. She’s highly critical so I do wonder if that has rubbed off on him

@Dontknowwhattodo2024 thats when their true colours start to show. When you’ve just had a child and at your most vulnerable.

I had a partner like that. He was wonderful. I was the problem, couldn't do anything right, always upsetting him.
Oddly, I never had this problem with anybody else.

There's no point sending him literature. He knows very well what he is doing. No, he won't be wonderful all the time if only you can behave better, clean more, make fewed mistakes. Promise.

@Dontknowwhattodo2024 what would you say if your daughter had written that post? Or your sister? Would you encourage another woman to try and find ways to make her abuser happy??

@Dontknowwhattodo2024

He is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mothers of their children like shit.

As other posters have said your children are already being affected.Growing up in a toxic atmosphere is extremely damaging for them and you need to leave.

Don't let your children grow up into damaged adults.

Yes I think it’s highly likely his mums MH problems have impacted him whether biologically or environmentally or likely both. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s making your daily life a misery and has no right to.

www.talkspace.com/mental-health/conditions/articles/narcissistic-abuse/

It’s strange though as we were together 15 years before we had children and I never saw this side of him

There will have been signs. But it is common for abuse (in people who will perpetrate it) to ramp up after birth of children.
idk whether it’s because they feel threatened as they’re not the main focus any more or what but the why doesn’t really matter does it.. It’s just not bloody acceptable.

It's common to ramp up abuse when the partner is pregnant or has small children because it's of course way more difficult for the partner to leave. It is also very common for abusers to insist partner stops working, or control their salary.

Just a guess, but he doesn't exactly encourage your friendships and family relations. does he? Is grumpy every time you see a friend and claims your family doesn't like him, so you often decide it's easier not to see anybody?

None of us are perfect, we ALL make mistakes.

Him verbally abusing you is making you doubt yourself. Believe me when I say

Him bully you makes him feel superior to you gives him control. What would he do if you spoke to him in a bullying manner, try it and see his reaction.

Are you able to say why you are not able to leave him?

Yes, if I ever see friends or family he sends me a series of nasty texts about random things or if he’s with me then he’s constantly giving me daggers to leave early

The children see and hear everything. Every sharp intake of breath, every tut, every narrowed eye. The hear the relentless criticism, sense the anger and aggression in the air. And it’s ruining their childhood.

Just ask any child of an angry, abusive, controlling father. They see it all. They always saw it.

You've been together a long time. You want the old him back. That's understandable. Is there really a way back to that? What do you think would happen if you made it clear to him that you won't put up with constant anger, criticism and contempt anymore? What would he say if you told him that the relationship is over if he doesn't stop being so awful?

Please don't say leaving is not an option. He is controlling you so strictly you aren't thinking straight. Talk to Womens Aid. Get their advice.

Sorry OP, but your children will figure out the toxicity of this relationship much more quickly than you think. How prepared are you for them to come to you at 15 when learning about emotional abuse, and ask you wtf you're doing? Then tell you that you did such a good job of being a buffer between them and his moods, they thought it was only them who had a problem with him. This is exactly what happened to me and I was absolutely floored because I truly thought the good bits outweighed the abusive bits.

They're never horrible 24/7. You can always see what it could be/used to be and turn yourself inside out trying to please him. It can't be done. It's not you. If you're not ready to leave, start reading - Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Is a great start.

Then open your mind to see what is actually happening. It will get a lot worse. You can't protect your kids from it 100%, believe me I was giving my all to that for 15 plus years. Eventually I got to the point where I was so broken, there was no choice at all. I very much hope you will be able to get out much sooner than I did.

I agonised over the kids spending time with him without me there as buffer. I was right to worry, but it was imperative that I validated their feelings and didn't do the "oh, he doesn't mean it love, he's stressed/tired/it's only at the moment...". I have found it so helpful to separate the person from the behaviour, so it's OK to say that xyz behaviour was completely unacceptable and model what we do when our boundaries are overstepped, without screaming or swearing or being vile ourselves. What we don't do, of course, is scream that he's a piece of shit. Even when he's behaving like one.
It's incredibly hard but it will empower your children eventually, and please remember that they are far more likely to gravitate to an abusive partner/become abusive themselves. Please don't let that be their future.

At the very least, let them see that it's OK to push back against someone treating them the way they see you being treated. I doubt it's only you. As they get older, please re read these messages. We've been there and wouldn't wish it on anyone. X

It doesn't sound like he's a better person than you @Dontknowwhattodo2024. It sounds like he's managed to make you doubt yourself and think you are somehow to blame.

It also sounds like he's convinced you that you couldn't manage without him.

These things are not true. It is all part of the abuse. He will continue to be awful around your family until you end up not going anymore. then you will lose contact with your friends and eventually he will control every part of your life.

Please look after yourself and remember you deserve a life where you are not abused and criticised.

But you're not doing anything wrong. He's nice to you because it means that he gets housekeeping, washing, cooking, childcare and sex.
It won't improve.
You'll do more and more to appease him and keep him being 'nice'until you're a shell of yourself.

Every poster is telling you the same thing
That many people can't be wrong.