Husband always angry

[Dontknowwhattodo2024]

Husband is angry with me at least once a day, often more. He criticises most things that I do and orders me about, he micro manages everything I do and tells me how to do things whilst I’m doing them. Simple things like loading the dishwasher but I never do it right in his eyes.

He walks around with a running commentary of complaints and criticisms about absolutely everything (spilt milk, crumbs, clothes that need putting away you name it). I honestly can’t remember a day that ive had where he hasn’t been mean to me.

he calls me all sorts of horrible names the c word etc and shouts and threatens to take away my money ( he gives me an allowance each month to top up my pay as I work part time). I have a great job but it’s shit in his opinion and he always belittles my contribution. I’m working part time looking after two preschool children and will go full time once they are in school. This was the deal we both made before having children but he now uses it as another thing to have a go at me about and calls me a sponge etc.

we went away for a family gathering in London a couple of weeks ago and he just ruined the whole weekend. Constant nasty remarks about my family and the place and the food all being awful apparently. It just ruined it and I was so embarrassed, a few family members kept asking if he was ok as they had obviously heard him speaking to me badly at some point. On the way home he threatened to leave me on the side of the road.

when I challenge how a behaviour he gets so angry and grumpy with me for days it’s not even worth it anymore. He counts down from 10 and repeats sentences dramatically slowly if I try to interupt what he’s saying and always cuts me off when I have a good point to make and tells me to shut up or he’ll threaten to do something. He also always makes me apologise. It’s always my fault and I have to beg his forgiveness. He’s never wrong or apologised to me ever.

can I get some advice on how to deal with this? We have a nice time together in between this and he’s great in so many other ways. I just want some tools to be able to deal with him and make him happy.

Please please understand that he is NOT a better person than you, it is his abusive actions and words that have made you feel this way and even if you were scatterbrained or struggled a loving partner would not act the way he is acting.
I really really would encourage you to Google financial abuse and emotional abuse, perhaps coercive control too.
It's common that this comes ons suddenly after getting married or having children and that plays into the confusion or yearning to go back to the way things were but he was always this person - he just hid it well.

If his mum had mental health problems, suggest he sees a Dr to assess if he has similar problems - medication could help him alternatively having counselling therapy may be of help

Be honest with him and tell him - he is grinding you down by being so aggressive.

That is domestic abuse 101.

One day nice. One day nasty.

It's how he gets you to doubt your own sanity.

Bin the c**t.

Edited for swearing.

This is domestic abuse OP. Please ring us at Womens Aid for advice and support.

He is no longer NO 1 in your world, he is probably jealous of the children.

He sounds like a totally standard abusive man, nothing special about him at all.
He's definitely not a good father and your children know he's abusive.

Yup. You need to be isolated.

I have other guesses - he makes it sound like he's the prize and you should be grateful that he wants to be with you? Read this list, I bet you will tick off at least half of it: https://drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

He just isn't wonderful in any way. His entire character is overlaid by the fact that he is a bullying, inconsiderate, abusive cunt. He's obviously jealous of you having to give attention to the children, and it's inevitable that he will be equally horrible to them, given half a chance. Don't let him.

@OttersAreMySpiritAnimal the air horn is actually a great idea! I’m genuinely going to do this.

im going to sit down with him tonight after I’ve put the children to bed and show him this thread.

In my case, an ultimatum from DH gave me the kick up the pants I needed to change my behavior.

I wasn’t aggressive towards him, but I constantly complained, criticized and grumbled.

One day in a cafe when I’d started moaning yet again (our children were very small so didn’t understand) he looked at me seriously and said, “”I’m not putting up with this anymore, Buford. You need to change your behavior.” He didn’t say “or I’ll divorce you”, but I knew that’s what he meant.

I was so shocked that I shut up and started working on my attitude. That was about 13 years ago and we’ve been happy for years now. I’ve learnt to accept responsibility for my own happiness and have become less selfish-and when you think more about other people’s feelings, you become less critical and nasty.

I agree with PP’s who say that the abusive behavior often starts post-children, when there's more pressure in your lives. That’s no excuse though, he needs to grow up or lose his family.

@doitwithlove I think there’s truth in that, I’ve been breastfeeding non stop for years now, children are clingy with me and bedtimes are long so we don’t spend much time together in the evenings. I know he’s resentful of that

I wonder whether you should have a different goal in mind? You say your ultimate goal is to please him, but it sounds like there is no pleasing this man. And when they’re like that it drives you nuts. I know because I’m suffering from this issue with my husband.

I would suggest trying to have a conversation with him about this in the first instance. And then you must set boundaries and be intolerant of these behaviours when they occur. It is going to take a long time of challenging him, walking away from him, getting up and stepping away from his grumpiness before there’s any remote change. And he will need to want to change.

@BruFord thank you this give me hope

@curious79 sorry you are dealing with this too. Thank you for the advice

My method would be to deliver a massive bollocking that he would never forget.

No man speaks to me like that - no man.

It doesn’t need to be loud - just very clear.

Speaks to be like that again and we’re done.

Please don't show him the thread OP. This is a safe space for you to talk and get support. Your DH will just see it as an attack and he'll use it for ammunition against you.

He is verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling. He's horrible to you every day. You think that he's a good person so ask him how he's going to fix it.

I'm sorry but I doubt he will do anything except get angry with you for bringing it up.

Is this how you want to live? Because he isn't going to change. Are you comfortable bringing up kids in this environment? Because they are being abused too.

Honestly I'm not sure showing him this thread is a good idea. He will convince you you are crazy, overreacting and imagining things.

You also need to think about the poor behavior he’s modeling to your children. You suspect that he may have picking up the habit of criticizing from his Mum- well, he’s now teaching his children to be thoroughly unpleasant towards their future partners. How will they learn to treat other people with respect and tolerance if they witness the opposite behavior at home?

I think that was partly why my DH gave me an ultimatum, he was thinking about our children as well as himself.

Please do not show him your thread, you need a safe space of your own and currently this is it.

If you try did talk to him about his treatment of you he will stonewall and otherwise shut you find by using DARVO - deny attach reverse victim and offender. This is a tactic well
used by abusers like your husband. This is who he is and there is NO fixing this, it cannot be done. He knows how you feel and he does not care.

Don't show him the thread for fuck sake

As requested, this may give you some helpful guidelines in how to illustrate that therapy could help you both.
https://drkathynickerson.com/blogs/relationship/how-to-convince-your-partner-to-go-to-couples-counseling

There's nothing you can do to make someone treat you with kindness and respect. Either they already want to or they will attempt to convince you that you're not deserving of being treated well.

In the latter case, I'm afraid the only solution is to walk away.

Agree with this .

Please also reconsider your current I am not leaving stance. Whose sake are you really staying for here because it’s not your children’s.

Do you also think that he would want to care for his children half the week?. No he would not but he may well make you think he wants 50/50. Such men also make such a demand also as a way of avoiding paying child maintenance.