Husband always angry

[Dontknowwhattodo2024]

Husband is angry with me at least once a day, often more. He criticises most things that I do and orders me about, he micro manages everything I do and tells me how to do things whilst I’m doing them. Simple things like loading the dishwasher but I never do it right in his eyes.

He walks around with a running commentary of complaints and criticisms about absolutely everything (spilt milk, crumbs, clothes that need putting away you name it). I honestly can’t remember a day that ive had where he hasn’t been mean to me.

he calls me all sorts of horrible names the c word etc and shouts and threatens to take away my money ( he gives me an allowance each month to top up my pay as I work part time). I have a great job but it’s shit in his opinion and he always belittles my contribution. I’m working part time looking after two preschool children and will go full time once they are in school. This was the deal we both made before having children but he now uses it as another thing to have a go at me about and calls me a sponge etc.

we went away for a family gathering in London a couple of weeks ago and he just ruined the whole weekend. Constant nasty remarks about my family and the place and the food all being awful apparently. It just ruined it and I was so embarrassed, a few family members kept asking if he was ok as they had obviously heard him speaking to me badly at some point. On the way home he threatened to leave me on the side of the road.

when I challenge how a behaviour he gets so angry and grumpy with me for days it’s not even worth it anymore. He counts down from 10 and repeats sentences dramatically slowly if I try to interupt what he’s saying and always cuts me off when I have a good point to make and tells me to shut up or he’ll threaten to do something. He also always makes me apologise. It’s always my fault and I have to beg his forgiveness. He’s never wrong or apologised to me ever.

can I get some advice on how to deal with this? We have a nice time together in between this and he’s great in so many other ways. I just want some tools to be able to deal with him and make him happy.

@MimitteAndElsaGoToSwitzerland Yes, if he doesn’t value their relationship enough to change, her only option is to walk away, she has to be ready to follow through.

I realized that I did value my relationship and I was prepared to change. I was never aggressive though or did things like make my DH apologize to me, leave him behind, etc. That’s truly nasty.

Please don't let your children grow up thinking this Is normal. Leave him and love yourself.

Your dh won't change. He's abusive and doesn't care if he makes you or his children suffer. Really, he doesn't. As long as he gets to live life as he wants and maintains the control he wants, is all that matters.
He sees you and the children as his property, doing his bidding.
This is why he punishes you when you're enjoying yourself.
He wants to bring you down.

Joint counselling is NOT recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship CuteCillian.

He's a narcissist, read about it might help you
And realise its not you, hes just sick in the head so stop wasting your energy on his complains , its just a background noise

I also want to pick up on something you said in your OP, about how if you bring up his behaviour he gets angry and "threatens to do something". Is he threatening physical violence? I would not be surprised if this is where he escalates to so please please be careful and definitely do not show him the thread.

OP, he already knows he's abusive (probably wouldn't call it that, but he knows what he's doing.) He does it to try to control you and to make himself feel like he's perfect. You're the one who needs to read this thread, a few times, and think about what to do next.

If you can identify that his mother’s behaviour and criticism has impacted how he is, can you not see that your child/ren will learn the behaviour from him or think this is how people behave. You are literally teaching your child to either be abusive or accept that they should be abused.
Why can you not leave him, you haven’t said?

Dunno about making him happy, but if you found a newly dug up patio, I know a way we could make you very happy indeed

I just want some tools to be able to deal with him and make him happy.

But you do make him happy, you just need to realise that his happy place is treating you like shit, so no amount of 'tools', is going to make him happier than he already is. Even if you remember everything he says, do absolutely everything, exactly as he says, he will find something else, which he will use as an excuse to be abusive to you, because abusing you is what makes him happy.

That's exactly right 💯

Stop buying in to the dream that IF ONLY you could make him realise how unpleasant he is, that he would miraculously apologise and Change His Ways Forever.

That won't happen OP. He knows exactly what he is doing and he does it because he enjoys doing it. You and your feelings are not on his list of considerations.

He LIKES being a complete shit to you, so he does it again and again. There are no consequences for him, just enjoyment. He is a cunt and a bully.

And DO NOT show him this thread. You will cut off your only means of support, purely to indulge your fantasy that he wil stop when he 'realises'.

BTW - think on this. The Father of your children allows his children to be brought up in the same house as an abuser - him. That is how much he cares about his kids.

Showing him this thread would be a very unwise move. He will use it against you, tell you that you are crazy and that we all are too. He won't have a sudden epiphany, see and mend the error of his ways. He'll be more likely to do the opposite if anything.

Keep this as your safe place to vent, if it isn't too late for that and you have already shown him. Just don't!

It would be madness to show your abuser this thread. He won’t like a couple of hundred women seeing through him when he’s got you conditioned to accept abuse.

Your kids will know and he will start on them as they grow and try to be independent.

OP it’s like you’ve posted telling people someone is punching you in the face and you want advice to help you not feel it. You cannot change another person, I suspect your DH will deny his behaviour and blame you, but he is still punching you in the face. You either leave now or stay and endure it until you can’t take anymore. I’m so sorry you’re going through this….he will not change. This is as good as he gets.

You said he's mean to you everyday, when the fuck is he 'wonderful'?

He is abusing you OP....this is blatant coercive control.Soo many red flags!

Please leave, for the sake of you and your children.And be very careful about what contact he has with them....at such a young age they are very vulnerable.

There are many domestic abuse charities such as womans aid that can offer advice to help you to escape and build a new life where you can be free to live how you deserve.

Someone that calls you a c*nt is not wonderful....no loving and decent person would EVER do that, not alone all the other stuff too.

Good luck x

This.

I'm sorry but the simple fact is there are no tools to deal with this. So many of us have been where you are, tried everything, and can conclusively report that nothing works. There are no magic words that will get him to see your point of view and make a change, nothing you can do to pacify him. Because ultimately he's happy with the situation and he doesn't want to change.

He's not stupid. He knows full well how his behaviour is affecting you and he does it anyway because that's the point.

Please don't be so naive as to think your children aren't being affected by this.

If leaving isn't an option, honestly - what do you want us to say?

He is an abusive arsehole who is ruining your life. What do you want from this thread, because if you are hoping for ideas for ways in which you can change in order to make him a nicer person, then we can't help you. All we can do is tell you to leave.

And your children will know, believe me. They know that mummy is sad and that daddy is cross with mummy. Do you really want to bring them up in that environment? Do you want them to learn that this is what relationships are supposed to be like?

Abuse, abuse, abuse.
Get out, there is help available.
Great in so many ways, that's terrifying.

Divorce is the best tool to deal with such an abusive prick.

You can find support with Women’s Aid - please stay safe op.

But you do make him happy, you just need to realise that his happy place is treating you like shit

This. This is the thing. He is happy. He does not want to treat you better, he has no desire to be loving and caring and respectful. The 'wonderful' parts are an act to keep you hanging on.

It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong OP. He is just a nasty abusive man. He does it because he enjoys it and it makes him feel like the big man. I don't know what your previous relationships have been like but what he's doing is NOT normal or acceptable. My DH has never called me vile names or any of the other things your partner is doing. It's not ok. If you stay with him, it will not get better, it will get worse. Your children are growing up in an abusive household. You owe it to yourself to get away from him. Please think about leaving.

Once again OP, because I don’t think you’re getting it, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It’s entirely the fault of the angry, cruel, abusive, bullying twat you’re married to.

You sound like you are speaking his words not your own OP !
Very strange