My DP and I have been together 22 years. We have a low-key, quiet sort of commitment that's manifested in the little things we do for each other, not in fancy words or gestures. We've never sent each other a Valentine's card or celebrated an anniversary but we've weathered illness, financial disasters, job losses, a full set of four sick, demented and dying parents and the rest. We're sometimes huggy and hand-holdy, but usually when we think no one's looking. We sometimes bicker and occasionally argue and have a day or two of not liking each other very much, but we're essentially kind and respectful towards each other. We've only said 'I love you' a few times in all the years: I didn't fall madly in love with him and he didn't with me. We were friends who became lovers and partners.
A few among our friends and family seem to think that because we've never married and because we give each other a lot of freedom (we both have our own friendship circles and hobbies and go away without the other) and because we don't call each other darling and because we're emotionally independent and don't miss each other dreadfully when one of us goes away, we're not properly bonded. We have no children so never felt the need to marry. We've both been financially independent and fairly equal in terms of our income, property ownership and pensions, so there's no pressure there.
This weekend we went to the wedding of two friends who've been living together for a couple of years. He is very cerebral, academic and normally not very emotional (he's on the autistic spectrum and talks openly about it). She's romantic with a capital R. She likes being married (she's been married twice before) and she likes calling her DH 'my beloved soulmate'. They had a full-on register office wedding with people reading romantic poetry and their vows were full of declarations about being truly, madly, deeply in love forever. She was clearly in heaven: I don't think I've ever seen anyone smile so broadly for so many hours.
The reception was lovely, lots of old friends to catch up with. At one point the bride and I had a chat and I was very complimentary (of course) about the wedding and said how lovely it was to see her so happy. She said something along the lines of 'I don't know why you two don't get married.' Then a momentary pause and a concerned expression, followed by 'But when you meet someone you truly love and feel passionate about, you'll want to get married too.' She wasn't the only person there to talk to us in that sort of way — as if somehow our 22 years together was invalidated by the fact that we haven't stood up in public and declared undying love for each other.
Despite all my attempts to tell myself that she and I are very different and what's right for her isn't right for me, I've felt undermined and vaguely upset since then. On top of that I feel bad for feeling weird about such a nice day, with her so happy. Today I've woken up feeling demoralised and sad at the thought that our quiet, unshowy dedication to each other isn't regarded as the real thing by a lot of people. I feel as if we're seen as 'less than'.
I've heard single friends talk about finding weddings an emotional strain. They'd love to have a partner and so the whole darling-soulmate-eternal-love thing can be quite painful for them.
Is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience at a happy event? Thoughts?