Feeling undermined after attending wedding

[failedthepsychopathtest]

My DP and I have been together 22 years. We have a low-key, quiet sort of commitment that's manifested in the little things we do for each other, not in fancy words or gestures. We've never sent each other a Valentine's card or celebrated an anniversary but we've weathered illness, financial disasters, job losses, a full set of four sick, demented and dying parents and the rest. We're sometimes huggy and hand-holdy, but usually when we think no one's looking. We sometimes bicker and occasionally argue and have a day or two of not liking each other very much, but we're essentially kind and respectful towards each other. We've only said 'I love you' a few times in all the years: I didn't fall madly in love with him and he didn't with me. We were friends who became lovers and partners.

A few among our friends and family seem to think that because we've never married and because we give each other a lot of freedom (we both have our own friendship circles and hobbies and go away without the other) and because we don't call each other darling and because we're emotionally independent and don't miss each other dreadfully when one of us goes away, we're not properly bonded. We have no children so never felt the need to marry. We've both been financially independent and fairly equal in terms of our income, property ownership and pensions, so there's no pressure there.

This weekend we went to the wedding of two friends who've been living together for a couple of years. He is very cerebral, academic and normally not very emotional (he's on the autistic spectrum and talks openly about it). She's romantic with a capital R. She likes being married (she's been married twice before) and she likes calling her DH 'my beloved soulmate'. They had a full-on register office wedding with people reading romantic poetry and their vows were full of declarations about being truly, madly, deeply in love forever. She was clearly in heaven: I don't think I've ever seen anyone smile so broadly for so many hours.

The reception was lovely, lots of old friends to catch up with. At one point the bride and I had a chat and I was very complimentary (of course) about the wedding and said how lovely it was to see her so happy. She said something along the lines of 'I don't know why you two don't get married.' Then a momentary pause and a concerned expression, followed by 'But when you meet someone you truly love and feel passionate about, you'll want to get married too.' She wasn't the only person there to talk to us in that sort of way — as if somehow our 22 years together was invalidated by the fact that we haven't stood up in public and declared undying love for each other.

Despite all my attempts to tell myself that she and I are very different and what's right for her isn't right for me, I've felt undermined and vaguely upset since then. On top of that I feel bad for feeling weird about such a nice day, with her so happy. Today I've woken up feeling demoralised and sad at the thought that our quiet, unshowy dedication to each other isn't regarded as the real thing by a lot of people. I feel as if we're seen as 'less than'.

I've heard single friends talk about finding weddings an emotional strain. They'd love to have a partner and so the whole darling-soulmate-eternal-love thing can be quite painful for them.

Is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience at a happy event? Thoughts?

I agree that the friend shouldn't be commenting and it's up to OP whether or not she wants to get married.

But I think a relationship should be built on being in love with your partner. I'm sure they love each other in a sense. I love my mother but I'm not in a relationship with her.

If OP is happy it's no one's business but I agree with a PP that the friend has maybe touched a nerve. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone I wasn't actually in love with.

I have a couple of friends like you and your partner. They actually love each other quite deeply, it's obvious when you know them but neither of them feels the need to gush about it in public and a big fancy wedding would be their idea of hell. They are both academics and have known each other since school. They would definitely go away separately (they would go together as well, just depends on circumstances ) and wouldn't be pining for each other. They're just very no-nonsense, practically minded people and they fit each other like hand and glove. I don't think either of them approves of marriage from a feminist perspective anyway. Wouldn't occur to me to think they should be doing things differently, they're happy with their lives. Your friend is rude and narrow minded.

Some people want the wedding but not the marriage. You and your partner have weathered real life together. That’s love and commitment x

Twenty two years later you're clearly doing something right. If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Ignore her and congratulations (try not to dwell on it) 💐

I'd be telling the patronising bridex3 to come back to you when she's managed a 22 year relationship. Cheeky cow.

If you wanted to play tit for tat I would have said ‘so many weddings just end up a divorce statistic’, as she has failed marriages behind her, she’s hardly a walking advert for marriage.
Your set up sounds good to me. It’s hard when you feel others are judging you, but the good people don’t judge and ‘raise an eyebrow’. The people who can’t support you, don’t deserve you. You and your partner are happy (I presume), and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

I think the bride was being a complete bitch tbh. Ignore her, she'll have wedding number 4 soon enough.

Whilst your friend was rude, is it possible that you feel so uncomfortable about it, because a part of you believes it’s true?
Ime (and it’s only my experience, not yours or anyone else’s), when emotions rise like
this, they are trying to tell you something.

"She likes being married" - does she? She's ended two marriages. Are you sure it's not just that she likes weddings? Being wed? The day, not the long haul?

"Today I've woken up feeling demoralised and sad at the thought that our quiet, unshowy dedication to each other isn't regarded as the real thing by a lot of people. I feel as if we're seen as 'less than'."
I would be saddened too. It is sad that so many people are so shallow, so unthinking, that they can only recognise love if it presents itself like they've seen in films and TV shows. I would be sad that my friends might throw away real love because it is unshowy; and be doomed, like your bride here, to spend their lives searching for something they probably had, but discarded because they didn't recognise it for what it was.

In short, I would be sad FOR THEM, not for myself. I wonder if that is actually the sadness that you are feeling too.

Tell her to come back when they have been together for 22 years and then she can tell you how they made it work for them.

My Sil and her DP are like you, together 30+ years and no DC. No intention of getting married. They have a very solid relationship and thankfully most people recognise that.

I have other friends who married after 19 years and 2 DC.

Advice from someone who has been married 3 times would be taken with a very large pinch of salt!

I must be a cynic because this would just make me raise an internal eyebrow - she's on her third wedding but is showing more commitment than your 22 year partnership?! Ok then.

I have a relationship a bit similar to you OP, although we have children. Not particularly interested in marriage or over displays of affection but love each other very much (also friends first).

We certainly have some judgement, particularly from DPs family who I don't think really understand why we're not married, and probably see our relationship as 'lesser'. We're also much more independent and I don't think they really get why we go out separately or do things independently.

However, I always think of it more that for them the convention is to get married, to them it symbolises something that it doesn't symbolise to us. I tend to ignore any judgements but then they probably judge us on a lot of things I don't care about!

I probably should have said that her first husband died young. I'm not sure about the second husband. She insists he left her but some of us remember things a bit differently.

No, I don't want to change anything. I think in a way my dismayed response to is because we're actually happy together — happier than I think she was in her second marriage — and she doesn't appear to recognise that. I do understand that what she thinks happiness or love is is different to my understanding. It was just mildly upsetting to have 22 years of healthy devotion written off as 'not up to required romantic standard'.

We met each other later in life, after we'd both said 'I'll love you forever' and been all loved-up with a number of people who turned out not to be the ones. After those disappointing practice runs, meeting each other was like sailing very slowly into a harbour from rough seas and realising we were, somewhat unexpectedly, home. No drama, no massive hormonal rush. Not everyone enjoys that out-of-control madness designed by evolution to encourage the creation of babies.

We may well one day have a minimal civil wedding or a civil partnership just to insure against Inheritance Tax issues, but we won't be making public speeches about it. Our love is something private between us: it's nobody else's business.

Not quite sure what to make of this one. If you're implying that our relationship is asexual then you's be wrong. Quite why anyone would assume that because we don't do 'darling' this and 'darling' that, or tell other people we're soulmates, or go on 'romantic' breaks to hotels with spas and four-posters doesn't mean we don't have sex...

That's a useful way of thinking about it. Thanks.

Whilst your friend was rude, is it possible that you feel so uncomfortable about it, because a part of you believes it’s true?
No.

@Disasterclass

Have you sorted out all the legal stuff should one of you die?

God she will look back on what she said to you and be cringing hard about it.

She is overboard about the soul mate shit because she's on her third marriage.

Move on OP, it's not worth a second thought

OP, I get you. Although we are married (30+ years), our relationship is otherwise very like yours. Both very independent, do lots of things separately, no soppy stuff and definitely don't believe there is such a thing as "soulmates". But it suits us, we are very loyal to each other, we have supported each other through difficult times and we have a solid friendship. I think a lot of people might envy us!
OP, your relationship works for you - that's all that matters, and it sounds fantastic. Don't let other people talk it down, just because their own style is different.

Read "Sense and Sensibility" OP - its about exactly this - your relationship and the R type. You will see which comes out best.

We have wills and we've obviously ensured that should one or other of us die the other will benefit from pensions etc. Also advance directives. But if we were to be hit by buses tomorrow the government would get quite a whack of IHT and although we're not hugely bothered by that, I think we'll probably need to marry or have a civil partnership just for the financial/ legal aspects.

I do wish there was a really minimal legal form of ceremony that was honest enough to admit that marriage is and has always been a legal issue. Something you could sign in a solicitor's office, say. We have older lesbian friends who in the early days of civil partnerships were told by a registrar that they should make their CP more romantic and declare their love for each other publicly. They'd been together for 30+ years, had children and grandchildren, and as they told the registrar, for a lot of that time society had told them to conceal or be ashamed of their love. Now society had changed its mind and was expecting them to conform to romantic ideals. They pared the ceremony down as far as legally allowable.

Fwiw I have been happily married for nearly thirty years but I commuted to the relationship many years before that and that is the moment that matters to me. The marriage made no difference to us as a couple.

Thank you, and I wish you many more happy years together.

Your relationship sounds great. I am a bit envious tbh.