Feeling undermined after attending wedding

[failedthepsychopathtest]

My DP and I have been together 22 years. We have a low-key, quiet sort of commitment that's manifested in the little things we do for each other, not in fancy words or gestures. We've never sent each other a Valentine's card or celebrated an anniversary but we've weathered illness, financial disasters, job losses, a full set of four sick, demented and dying parents and the rest. We're sometimes huggy and hand-holdy, but usually when we think no one's looking. We sometimes bicker and occasionally argue and have a day or two of not liking each other very much, but we're essentially kind and respectful towards each other. We've only said 'I love you' a few times in all the years: I didn't fall madly in love with him and he didn't with me. We were friends who became lovers and partners.

A few among our friends and family seem to think that because we've never married and because we give each other a lot of freedom (we both have our own friendship circles and hobbies and go away without the other) and because we don't call each other darling and because we're emotionally independent and don't miss each other dreadfully when one of us goes away, we're not properly bonded. We have no children so never felt the need to marry. We've both been financially independent and fairly equal in terms of our income, property ownership and pensions, so there's no pressure there.

This weekend we went to the wedding of two friends who've been living together for a couple of years. He is very cerebral, academic and normally not very emotional (he's on the autistic spectrum and talks openly about it). She's romantic with a capital R. She likes being married (she's been married twice before) and she likes calling her DH 'my beloved soulmate'. They had a full-on register office wedding with people reading romantic poetry and their vows were full of declarations about being truly, madly, deeply in love forever. She was clearly in heaven: I don't think I've ever seen anyone smile so broadly for so many hours.

The reception was lovely, lots of old friends to catch up with. At one point the bride and I had a chat and I was very complimentary (of course) about the wedding and said how lovely it was to see her so happy. She said something along the lines of 'I don't know why you two don't get married.' Then a momentary pause and a concerned expression, followed by 'But when you meet someone you truly love and feel passionate about, you'll want to get married too.' She wasn't the only person there to talk to us in that sort of way — as if somehow our 22 years together was invalidated by the fact that we haven't stood up in public and declared undying love for each other.

Despite all my attempts to tell myself that she and I are very different and what's right for her isn't right for me, I've felt undermined and vaguely upset since then. On top of that I feel bad for feeling weird about such a nice day, with her so happy. Today I've woken up feeling demoralised and sad at the thought that our quiet, unshowy dedication to each other isn't regarded as the real thing by a lot of people. I feel as if we're seen as 'less than'.

I've heard single friends talk about finding weddings an emotional strain. They'd love to have a partner and so the whole darling-soulmate-eternal-love thing can be quite painful for them.

Is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience at a happy event? Thoughts?

She wasn't that happy with the other 2. Some people like the romance but go when it's tough. Your relationship works, so who cares what others think?

I don't have any experience similar to yours so no 'advice' or opinion but what jumped out at me and why I'm commenting is that what your "friend" said is unbelievably rude! I hope she reflects back on the conversation at some point and realises what a horrible thing she said and apologies.
Your relationship works for you and your partner, don't let anyone else make you doubt or question it, it works for YOU nobody else matters and doesn't get an opinion.
I hope one day to find someone who I can actually be in a partnership with like you are, I've had 2 long term relationships (both 10 yrs and 1 included marriage) but I've never had a partnership, married or not doesn't matter, it's the partnership and having someone to have your back through the good and bad, you clearly have that so don't let the rude friend try and take that away from you.

In fairness, the OP says her friend's first husband died young.

This.

She sounds very jealous of the fact that the OP has been with her partner for so long.

Can you imagine? Mrs Hypocrisy had a wedding ceremony where she banged on about how much in love she is...but this is her third attempt.

I'd wager that she's the one who's truly insecure.

ETA I've seen the explanation that the first husband died young. That's tragic, but doesn't take away from the fact that OP's acquaintance is a nasty piece of work.

You've missed the point of the post really so let me reframe it. I have no idea if she has ADHD I don't know her. But you said he has autism and is a really nice man but very unromantic.

So if she is in love with being in love in general and he is not very romantic or demonstrative it might put a strain on their relationship pretty quickly.

To be fair to her she may have just been unlucky - being widowed, making a poor second choice. It might really be third time lucky for her. Either way, you be happy with your partner and ignore thoughtless comments.

Cheers.

You said: Unfortunately if you look at the ASD Relationship thread you will see this dynamic over and over again. Calm, unromantic man meets romantic, emotional woman. (Autistic man meets ADHD woman). Seem like soulmates for a while, then the emotional unavailability and lack of emotional reciprocation starts leading to utter misery.

You can perhaps understand why I thought you were making a connection between romantic and emotional and ADHD.

OP she's the bride, probably a bit drunk at her own wedding reception and basking in the glow of marriage - because it's what she sees as the epitome of romance or whatever . I wouldn't think too much of her comments.

Has she touched a nerve as you both know deep down you’ve just settled? Do you feel a slight envy that their excitement and giddiness is somehow missing from your life and you’ve felt a tiny pang of envy? ( I might be wrong and not being rude)

No.

The last thing in the world I want is what you call giddiness. As I said upthread, I don't want a flood of hormones designed by evolution to make me have sex with any vaguely suitable man in order to continue the population. You only have to read through half the posts in Relationships to realise where that gets you.

I haven't 'just settled' as you put it. I've just spent an hour on our deck watching the sunset while my partner massaged my feet and we had a good laugh about something that's been going on here today. Give me that over the craziness of being loved-up any day.

Jane Austen was, as ever, right.

Wonderful post. You're fine, your relationship's fine. Identikit, boring social conformity is what's dull (says me, who's married! 😂)

But marriage alone wasn't good enough for various members of DH's family, because we weren't married the right way. We eloped to a location important to us both, and married with only two guests and their two children present. A fuss was kicked up because apparently that isn't what's 'supposed' to happen. It's partly attitudes like these why, the moment the word 'tradition' is attached to something, you'll likely find me fleeing in the opposite direction.

We were together for 10 years before we married: now married for 16. There was no watershed. I don't feel any differently about DH before or after that day, and I'd love him just as much were he not my husband. Our reasons were primarily to ensure we were both legally protected in the event that something happened to one of us, particularly given there are no in-laws on either side whom we'd trust with our affairs (my parents were dead; his a dead loss).

You are not 'less than' and your relationship needs validation from no one. You sound happy, solid and mutually trusting. I wouldn't mind betting there are some married people who would give their eye teeth for that.

You sound very much like my parents, the only difference is they accidentally had two kids (😅).
There was a period of my childhood that my dad lived separately to us, it was normal to us and we saw him every day, parents very much still together. I never went on holiday with my dad and mom, we spent days out with grandparents, holidays with mom and grandparents. Again, it was normal to me.

My parents actually split up when pressure was put on them to get married, they then got back together 10 years later and then 10 years after that got married in vegas. Most things my parents to do goes against the grain, but they have a wonderful relationship in their own eyes.

My advice is, try your best to ignore what the “normal” relationship looks like and live how you want to. The examples of normal in my family very often ends in divorce.

'But when you meet someone you truly love and feel passionate about, you'll want to get married too."

Did you manage to keep a straight face when she uttered those ridiculous words, given she's on her third husband?

Look, you just have different values.

I don’t support the wedding moneymaking machine and would never in a million years have a wedding or date somebody that would like one. I also wouldn’t get married unless it’s strictly necessary for a particular legal reason.

Thus I feel a bit weird at weddings as day to day I’m surrounded by people that have similar values to me but at weddings I’m reminded that actually probably the majority of society still value marriage and weddings and related traditions. And I feel like the odd one out.

Think hard, did you ever want a big white wedding/ dream of getting married? Did your partner? If you didn’t then maybe it’s just the case that married people don’t ‘get’ you and are trying to force their values on you.

After 20+ years I wouldn’t think too hard about the state of your own relationship after some random comments from people that don’t really know you. If there’s other major issues though then that’s different.

I married when I was in my mid twenties and thought it was forever, I meant every word of my vows….unfortunately my “d”h didn’t and left me for another woman. I honestly can’t articulate the humiliation and embarrassment I felt (and to a degree still feel a decade on) that all my loved ones had seen me declare my love and then it was shattered. I would never marry again for that reason. I bet you 20p that your partnership outlasts her marriage!

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

I’ve been to lots of big showy weddings, including one that cost £20k (22 years ago), where I was a bridesmaid. The nicest wedding I’ve ever been to was a small one in a registry office where the reception was held in the bride’s mum’s garden (about 20 people).

The couple from that small wedding are still together. They’ve been through a lot - two big relocations, cancer and Alzheimer’s in both families, death of a sibling. They aren’t touchy-feely, they don’t use pet names, they aren’t demonstrative at all. But when you see them together, you can see how devoted they are to each other. To me, that is real love. The consideration and kindness they show each other is romance. As the saying goes - love is a verb, not a noun.

Oh, and the 20k wedding? They were divorced within five years. He was drunk and stoned at the wedding, and ended up an abusive, cheating alcoholic.

Please take no notice of her. I think your relationship sounds lovely and you have got there by being kind, understanding and respectful. These are the best qualities and we don’t all have to have a wedding ceremony to declare our love for each other.

Well this is more about her validating her choices and is nothing to with you.

People who openly comment on other peoples relationships at gatherings are generally not as insightful as they think they are.

My partner and I have been together for 14 years, we do not celebrate valentine's day, birthdays, Christmas or anniversaries. We very rarely touch each other in public. We have a child who is disabled so one of us always has to stay at home with our child. This has meant for the past 12 years we have done most things separately. I go to the theatre and concerts on my own. My partner goes car racing on his own. We have both been away over night for 2 days on our own. We have never felt the need to get married either. However, 2 years ago we decided to form a civil partnership for financial reasons and a few other personal reasons. We didn't tell anyone in advance. Not even our parents. We got 2 neighbours to be witnesses and didn't tell them where we were going. The whole thing last 7 minutes and all it involved was the 4 of us signing a form. No vows or anything. It also only cost £47. Some people think we are weird but out of everyone we know our relationship has lasted the longest and we have the least arguments. In 14 years we have had 12 arguments. Because we are friends and we get on with each other. We chose each other because of the fact we got on with each other and make each other laugh. We didn't choose each other based on looks. We have a very good relationship and we are both really happy. We don't care what other people think because most of them have ended up spending a lot of money on a big fancy wedding just to end up divorced.

Whilst there are multiple reasons why relationships fail the irony of her comments are a not lost here - she is on on her third marriage whilst you and your partner have been together for 22 years. Keep doing what you’re doing. It clearly works for the both of you. I know it’s much easier said than done but try not to worry what other people think. It’s only what you think about each other that matters.

God, that sounds lovely!

DH and I are married, for IHT purposes (he literally said, “I have a proposal for you…a business proposal, that is.” 😂). We don’t do anniversaries or Valentine’s Day. We’re still occasionally dancing down the aisles in Morrison’s when we do the weekly shop but we’ve never been all moon-eyed over each other! We got married in the local registry office in front of two old dears from the charity shop on our lunch break one Tuesday. We didn’t have vows or a wedding - just showed up and declared there was no legal reason we couldn’t wed and signed the piece of paper.

Weirdly, we both got the giddiness on the day! It was so strange, we both stood there in our jeans sheepishly cracking stupid jokes and hardly making eye contact - everything felt so weird and echo-ey. It was completely unexpected but lovely. We did go for a nice meal out at our favourite restaurant that evening after we finished work. We also both keep forgetting we’re married now 🤣.

What I’m saying is everyone is different and people definitely don’t understand when you don’t do what is expected - we’ve had the same comments as you. Your love is quiet, deep and resilient - and is no less valid than the loud, flashy type (or the silly, immature, prank-pulling love that my DH and I have!).

You know it. It doesn’t help that irritation and hurt when others discount it, despite all the ample evidence that yours is a lasting love, though, and I totally get it.

I don't believe in soulmates, 8 billion people in the world and most people just so happen to have came in close proximity with their one destined soulmate?! Not buying it.

You've chosen each other every day of 22 years, had lasting friendship and love, and weathered more than a few rough events by the sounds of it. There's something more romantic to me about making that choice every day for 22 years, than the hedonistic fell in love, let's get married pretty much immediately types.

Can I just say, the way you talk about your relationship is incredibly beautiful, and the peace you find with your partner really shines through x

There’s a bit in four weddings and a funeral where the the vicar asks Hugh Grant ‘but do you love her? Do you?’
And to me, that’s the question. Do you love etch other? Good. Fuck everyone else.

You do you OP. There are no rules on how you should behave when in a relationship as long as you are happy. God, I’ve seen couples who on the surface seem to be very touchy-feely in front of others, with big gestures of weekly bouquets, and very public declarations of love, and they end up in divorce courts. There are no rule books. I get judged because I and DH have separate accounts - we don’t have a joint one, and never have in 30 years of marriage and two children. We never celebrate wedding anniversaries because we really aren’t invested in these sort of celebrations. In fact, on our 30th, we even forgot until my sil messaged us to wish us a happy anniversary. We consider our marriage strong. Don’t feel you have to justify yourselves to others.

@failedthepsychopathtest happiness isn't the same for everyone. You've found happiness.
You could get a civil partnership in private if there's any legal issues.
Loving the love 💝