DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

No to nesting.
Yes to cracking on with the divorce, including getting a financial settlement.

Have you put pen to paper to work out if you can afford to keep the current house on just your salary?
If not, start thinking about, and looking at, where you and the DC might be able to live - though you may not know for sure until the finances are settled. Have you got a solicitor?

I know you are in the middle of the worst emotional turmoil and grief.
But keep going forward. Keep practical.
Cry at night, feel the grief, but in the daytime keep going forward.
The only way out of this is to keep going through, one small step at a time.

God when i read the word “nesting” I out loud exclaimed “yuck!!” The thought of nesting with this horrible selfish egotistical drain…. Who does he think he is??! He is starting to realise he’s fucked up big time and saying the words he thinks you need (getting his flat, taking it slow, romantically “nesting”) only to worm his way back in now that his cocklodger lifestyle is being threatened. You’re his meal ticket and he knows it. Truth is he just wants back in, swanning about meeting his friends for lunch in his designer sunglasses and doing the odd bit of childcare and maybe begrudgingly unpack a shopping bag once a week!!! What a life to give up! And he knows it. Amazing that you’ve agreed to therapy. I’m guessing you’re paying for that as well? (Not my business, I know). Though a word of warning, I did therapy with my abusive DP a few years back because his behaviour had started to worry me and I so wanted to fix things and make us stronger. He was abusing me, but he made it all sound so plausible to the therapist. Apologies / learning where needed, but also “poor me, what about MY feelings, I try so hard but she’s so critical….” And there was the therapist trying to help us with our communication to improve the relationship. What I needed was someone who specialised in working with couples where there is abuse so that they could recognise it and call it out. There is no amount of “communication” that will stop someone being abusive, that’s just them making their abusive behaviour a “couple issue” by blaming the victim or the poor communication in the relationship or whatever. I so badly wanted the therapist to say “but this is abuse!” But instead all we did was talk about how we could work on our communication. I felt a bit railroaded into seeing it as an “us” problem, when clearly now I see the problem was him. It’s difficult for a therapist to see between the lines sometimes. They only know what they are told. And if the abuser is charming and presents well it can be difficult for the therapist to really see what’s what and call out abuse. They’re not there to take sides. They’re there to try and fix a couple. I guess what I’m saying don’t be railroaded into agreeing to try again. Don’t be fooled into believing his pity party is real. It’s a cover to excuse his terrible behaviour (DARVO - look it up if you’re unfamiliar). Be clear in your head that you’re in therapy to talk about how to separate. His feelings are not your problem. If that really is what you want. I worry for you that him plus a therapist might weaken your resolve. Remember: it isn’t you, it’s him!

Indeed no to nesting.
Penny is dropping that he is fxxked.
He'd love to go to the house, do fxxk all and leave a mess for you.
Fxxk that.

Get rid of this loser permanently.
Not your job to facilitate his relationship with his children.
Focus completely on what works for you and the children.
He had his chance.
Waster.

@BustyLaRoux this is him! DARVO! So manipulative do they I end up thinking it’s me. I know you’re concerned for me. I know what’s happening now but I didn’t for years. I won’t back down. I am the victim and he’s always twisting the truth and the narrative so it sounds like I am the crazy one. If I react to his behaviour - suddenly I am aggressive and the shouty one. The whole ‘ being in the prison cell’ he spoke about how awful it was and talks about me betraying him by calling the police. Makes me so angry

Class A wanker. All about them. Their poor hurty feelings. “I assaulted you and now I’m in a cell. She’s so awful to me”
“you recorded me and I assaulted you, look what you made me do!”
You made me thump the dashboard…. On and on their poor-me narrative goes.
My DP actually managed to convince his own therapist that his ex was a user, selfish, always got her own way, never listened to him, disregarded his feelings, railroaded him and all the while she was seeing a domestic abuse counsellor and saying the same things I am saying. There is a common denominator here. He doesn’t see it. It’s all about these awful women who overlook his feelings all the time. The truth is about a million miles away!
Stay strong! I may have to live vicariously through you. LOL!!

Well done for taking having a trip away and managing so well OP! You must feel really proud of yourself, and doing something like this can give you a tremendous boost when you're used to HIM being 'Cock of the Roost'.

I found it so uplifting to hear how much you're enjoying your children now, and that they're not getting on your nerves so much. This is all a result of HIM not being around, causing tension in both you and the kids, as they definitely sense it, even if they don't see or hear what's going on.

Thankfully, I've never needed to go to a relationship counsellor, but I wonder if you have yet actually expressed that you want OUT of this relationship? If not, do you think it is perhaps the time to do so, so that it is clear to all, including the counsellor, where you're coming from, as I'm getting the drift that the counsellor is trying to get you to give things another go, and if that's the case and you don't make your feelings clear, then you are really paying out for something which is totally pointless. Just my opinion OP, but may be worth thinking about.

Stay strong sweetheart, you can do this.

Do not go to couples counseling with your abuser! This is rule number one in therapy: your “h” will simply abuse you covertly and the unwary therapist will end up colluding with him.

You can look for a therapist who specializes in uncoupling—that is divorce/separation. But I think that would be hard to find.

Be honest and direct with the therapist now: “I am ending this dangerous relationship because of abuse. I do not think couples therapy is safe or appropriate.” They should instantly withdraw and end the therapy (I mean the therapist).

Whenever you doubt yourself, OP, forget what's in your mind and remember the way your body felt when this person made you physically shake. That's the reality. Muggers, burglars and unmedicated random schizophrenics on the tube give you that shock response. Decent husbands don't.

OP you’ve lived for years being conditioned into believing his perception of the world & being “blamed” when things aren’t to his liking.
Why are you going to marriage counselling with him? Your therapist identified that the relationship was abusive 3 years ago , long before this incident?
Being single is hard but being with your H is draining the life and confidence out of you.
His blind belief that’s he’s coming home at some stage is unnerving.
I think prolonging the agony trying to save a n abusive unhappy marriage is not good for you .

Yes, that’s my concern as well. I’ve been through this myself and it’s bewildering and causes you to doubt your sanity…..

It sounds like you should do the Freedom Programme not couples therapy. The therapist's objectives will be the same as your husband - to get you to quell your doubts, give up part of yourself and get back with him. Please don't do that. You have permission to divorce him - you don't need to justify it by trying stuff first.

Hi ladies . I am struggling again. I feel like such a failure. How did I choose this person as someone to marry. I feel really heartbroken for my kids. The eldest keeps asking when daddy is coming back to stay. He gets really upset.

@Tina6458 you are NOT a failure. Being a failure would be continuing in an abusive marriage with that husband of yours. Remind yourself how strong and wonderful you are, fake it til you make it if need be. I don’t know how old your ds is but I’m sure you can explain in age related terms that you and daddy will be living apart. It’s for your health and welfare, and that of your dc. As a medic you must be aware of the damage your levels of stress are doing to you. You have to look after yourself - no one else will!

You didn’t have all the facts when you decided to marry him!! You didn’t know what would happen. Don’t blame yourself. It’s perfectly normal to have this reaction. Push on. It will get better. You have so much more life to live. And it will be so much better without him in it. Your children can have a relationship with him of course. But you don’t have to any more. This is the hard bit. But my god you’re doing it!!!!!

Take a deep breath and acknowledge that you are doing the right thing which is the hard thing.
Take a minute every day to acknowledge the good things in your life and the hard things that you are carrying with all your formidable strength.
You’ve come such a long way, keep on keeping on!

You explain in child appropriate language that Daddy doesn't live here any more, Daddy now lives at xxx and one day Daddy will have his own house ? and that is where ' name of child ' will see Daddy.

As the child is 5, I guess goes to school - and I expect there will be other children who have families that don't live together.
If you know of this, just remind eldest that little Jimmy lives with his Mummy and little Jimmy goes to his Dad's house every Wednesday night or whatever etc.

If by any chance you don't do the school run and thus don't know much about the children in your child's class, ask nanny if it is her that does the school run - i guess she will know ?

the dc will be back at school soon so it will get easier with them having a routine. I agree with pp explain in child friendly terms that daddy loves them but isn’t living here any more.

OP we all make mistakes. But you have 2 wonderful children from your marriage so focus on them not your EX.
You are an amazing mum, much stronger than you think.
Stay strong for them and look how far you’ve come .
Going back is not an option you deserve much more

Wow hes got it made hasnt he. Doesnt work, you bring the money in- he spends it. You have a cleaner and a nanny. He doesn’t have to lift a finger!

OP you are way too quick to blame yourself! Maybe at some point you'll have time to unpick in therapy how you ended up vulnerable to gaslighting and skilfully disguised rampant assholery. But for now you need to be looking forward, not back. And feel your power - you have shown us all you have a ton of that.

Echoing the suggestion for therapy to help you focus on your root cause of always taking responsibility and accountability even to your own detriment. The t needs to change! How can you truly internalise the facts that you are a capable, competent and valuable person. Please be Kind to yourself and lean on this thread but also cultivate your own cheerleaders in real life!

Thanks everyone. You guys are def my cheerleaders. Unfortunately in my real life there really aren’t that many. The only person I have is my therapist who really sees what is happening . Most of my friends are trying to see things from his point of you and want us to ‘ work through things together ‘. This is why I come on here because I am not getting the right support.

Why on earth are your friends seeing it from Mr. Lazy's point of view !
are they ' your ' friends ' or ' mutual ' friends - how come they are hearing his side ? are they contacting him or is he contacting them ?

and yes ' we ' are here for you !

we don't know you, or don't know us, but we are here.

I am old enough to be your mother, and I hope my daughter never has to go thru what you have been / are going through, and I would hope someone is there for her if I couldn't be.
( I am an older mum so do not expect to be here when my dd is your age )

@Tina6458 dear Lord, if one of my friends had a husband like yours I’d be hunting for a shl for her, and doing everything I could to help her get shot of him. What kind of ‘friends’ do you have - or has he been masquerading as the devoted hard working husband he should be?

You need different friends.
There is no way real friends would excuse such a prick.
Please pay them zero heed.