DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

He’s trying to gaslight or browbeat you into accepting you were wrong.

I’d reply “I think you are the one who needs to accept your responsibility in this and I’m not discussing it further until you do” And just refuse to engage further.

He is trying to wear you down and honestly you need to find better friends. If they’re meant to be your friends and they think you were being OTT and aren’t being supportive to you in this difficult time that’s very telling. I’d give them a wide berth, clear your head of all them and continue with the therapy.

. I think you gathered from the post that he hit me because I was recording the conversation. It’s crazy maybe but I only did it because I can’t remember what was said and he’ll denial or twist my truth so I feel better now listening back

This is why he got so annoyed you were recording him. He wants to able to gaslight you and he knows if you have a firm record of what’s been said it’s more difficult to.

It’s easier said than done but stay strong.

Haven't quite rtft (have read the first few pages) and wanted to say sweetheart, you're in an abusive relationship. I think you are beginning to see it, but only beginning.

A few things jumped out at me:

Gaslighting
Financial abuse
Variable reward system (he's horrible, then plays at being nice for a few days, then horrible again, so he can tell you the horrible is your fault. Look what you made him do).
The nice isn't real.
You're having to pay people to do basic stuff when he hasn't got a job and is sponging off you.
The feelings of confusion and shame and uncertainty that you describe are classic signs that you've got an abusive partner

Please contact women's aid if you can and get support.

OP, can I ask how old you are, and how long you've been married please? The reason I would like to know, is that you say that none of your friends are divorced, etc., My ex and I had what everyone around us thought was the 'perfect' marriage, but after 9 years, things started to fall apart, and when I looked around at my friends, who had been divorced or were going through it, virtually every one of them had been together for between 9 and 11 years. We eventually separated after 15 years, when having done our best to repair the cracks, they just became too big.

At this point, I came to the conclusion that most of us go through the 'honeymoon' period of a marriage, then start to think about children, then have children, and then while the children are young, that is when a relationship is tested, and at it's absolute worst. You've started to take each other for granted, ie, think of each other as part of the furniture, each doing your part (or not), and suddenly you begin to see what the person you have chosen to spend your life with, is really like, when life has begun to throw difficult situations at you. Some couples pull together at this point, others seem to work against each other, and show the selfishness that has probably always been there, but has been hidden for various reasons. It sounds to me like you've been papering over the cracks for a long time, and that you've now reached the point where you know deep down that there are no more repairs possible. He's shown his true colours, and you don't like them. So, stop listening to other people who are too close to the pair of you to give you independent advice, they know too much, and will naturally take sides. Listen to the advice you're getting here from people who are only giving their thoughts based on the information you have given, and they're all telling you that this man is abusive. You don't need or want him in your life, so get the wheels for divorce underway, and don't look back. You're obviously an intelligent woman, and have the ability to look after yourself and your kids. You've even noticed that the kids are changing for the better because he's no longer around bringing the atmosphere down, and making everyone miserable. So make it permanent, for their sake as well as your own. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

I thought time away and him being banned from the house would make him realise what he’s done and how much we all mean to him and that he will make it up to us. You’re all going to tell me I’m mad.

You don't sound mad or stupid. It's just wishful thinking - it's what you'd like to happen. And you sound confused. He's an expert at confusing you and the only thing you really can do to make it better is to stop listening to him or his nasty friends or his awful family. None of them have your best interests at heart.

Listen to your Mum and your therapist instead. They at least care about you and want to help you.

A wise person on another forum told me to judge a marriage on how you deal with the bad, not how nice it is when it is good. I found that very helpful.

I also found reading about trauma bonds very interesting, and valid. It helps explain why it is so hard to leave a situation that is untenable when you look at it rationally.

Wishing you strength 💐

Try to recognize that any relationship can become like an addiction-it is familiar and it fulfilled some need that we had at some point.

What that means is that you are going to jones for a fix like any addict periodically. If you don’t want to relapse you have to really treat the relationship and this man as a toxic, dangerous, substance.

This is more thsn a metaphor: the reaity is that if you break up with sn abuser and let him back in he learns that he can abuse you again even more and you will not drive him out. He learns how to placate you just enough to get his feet back under your table then he will go all out to break your spirit do you will never have the strength to call the police again.

Addicts who relapse can die when their substance of choice is used again snd the dose cannot be titrated appropriately.

Treat thus man like a piece of shit. Avoid him at all costs. Block thoughts of him by any and every means. Slowly you will overcome your addiction.

Read up about trauma bonds (as I have been doing today myself!). It’s eye opening.

It doesn’t matter if he accepts responsibility. You don’t need him to say sorry, or validate your feelings, or recognise his abuse. He isn’t going to do that. And fuck him! You don’t need him to. Your friends don’t sound very supportive. I wonder if he has “got to them”. It doesn’t matter what they think either in the end though.

I think I remember writing a post on this thread which was a list of what a “catch” this man was. All the things he’s been doing. And I said if ever you doubt your feelings go back and read that list. I suggest doing that if you’re having any doubts right now. You’re certainly not mad, you are not doing the wrong thing and you know, in your heart, that this isn’t right.

It’s perfectly understandable that you’re in bits. But you don’t need to have it all worked out. You don’t need to feel empowered and strong and together. Those things will come with time. And they will come. Just get through each day as best you can. Find small things which bring you relief or distraction or joy, if you can. It will be OK. He is a man with a horrible core (even if he can be charming and nice some of the time) and he doesn’t deserve you.

I am in a similar situation. Please DM me if you want to. Xxxx

I know how you feel. I was there nearly two years ago. And yes, my ex was also upset and angry. But it was just an extension of his refusal to ever take responsibility for his own actions. I'm getting better. I don't ruminate as much, and feel less neurotic and messy. I'm still struggling in some ways, but I'm no longer falling apart.

I think I said it once before on this thread but I'll say it again: stay the course, stick to your guns. It will get better, but it takes some time. Give yourself the time to get to that stage. If you back down now, you'll be right back at the beginning and at some point you'll have to go through all this all over again. I know how hard it is, but you can do this. You just have to get through this part first.

He’s not fit to kiss your boots.

You need to “take responsibility for your actions”? The arrogance of the man - how about his awful actions and horrible temper??

What an utterly vile thing to post @NicholJO

It's been reported @RawBloomers

OP you are a strong capable woman, making difficult decisions to keep your children safe and healthy. Remind yourself of this when things get tough. Your husband is neither a good partner nor a good father. Take support wherever you can find it.

It will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

You all are such incredibly strong women. Thank you so much. It’s amazing how much you can uplift me.

@GoneFishingToday I am 43, sounds old when I say it out loud. Interesting to hear you say that the cracks start to form. They’re very deep now , and his continued refusal of taking any actions or responsibility of the problems I. marriage has taken its toll. I can’t imagine me ever stopping being angry. I’ve been hurt and angry for months already.

Today is another day I feel stronger. That day when I posted , my eyes were sore from crying and I felt such heaviness on my chest. I actually felt like a crazy person not being able to see out of this crazy mess.

43 seems old until you are a fit, energetic 59 year old just back from a great night out for dinner and lots of drinks with a good friend......then you realise 43 is still so incredible young with EVERYTHING ahead of you.
You can do this.

Absolutely you need to, and can, do this.

Stay strong. Time is the healer. Know you’ll feel awful for a while but it WILL get better.

Imagine being 53 and still having this sad sack hanging around shouting and being an arse. No thanks! Do what needs to be done

Well done for getting him out OP, you and your children will be happier without him. You are a good mother and a strong woman with a very worthwhile profession, you really don't need him! He was just a drain on you.

But, forgive me, I can't really understand what was ever the appeal of him. I think you said he was good looking, was it nothing more than that, surely not? He sounds truly repulsive and his disordered selfish thinking is on the sociopathic side. I don't really understand how you can be pining after him, unless he's changed a LOT from how he used to be?

Honestly op.
Take a deep breath and take this one day at a time . From what you said he has very little in redeemable qualities. He was lazy, unsupportive of you and incredibly selfish. You are a super successful woman with your whole life ahead of you . Don't let this horrible asshole drag you down and gaslight you into believing you deserve this or this is some way your fault. It really isn't.

43 is so young, you deserve to grow your career and achieve things, whether professionally or personally without your husband being a drain. He should be your support. You can do it, when you want to and are ready, and the impossible will become possible. I am 58, and now know I can plan the retirement I want, without any compromise. You have so much life ahead of you. X

He sounds awful op! I'm late to this thread but I was so relieved to see that you have already walked away. This is not how decent men behave! Not even close! I have a vision of a good looking, arrogant man in designer clothes, strutting around like a cockeral. The reality is that he was an aggressive cocklodger!
I hope you stay strong and keep fighting. Your future will be so much better without him holding you back.

Hi everyone, a bit of an update. Still separated and I managed to go away for 3 whole nights on my own with my kids so I am really proud of being able to do it. I actually enjoyed and it made me feel stronger in the process. it was daunting but I can’t believe I managed it .

My husband is still at his mums house and has been talking about renting a flat near by however keeps mentioning ‘ coming back for a few days at a time , and then talked about ‘ nesting’. Both ideas at the moment for me are out of the question. We are having couples therapy - but I feel like I’m going through the motions just so I feel like I’ve tried and also for the kids , but also to maybe realise how to
move forward with the new situation.

I have found out that he is sleeping with both kids in one big bed which I feel really uncomfortable about but don’t really know what to say about it.

' coming back for a few days at a time '

I hope you exclaimed loudly - NO

he can put that idea right out of his mind.

' nesting ' my foot ! worming his way back in more likely

if you are uncomfortable with something / anything, you find your words and say them out aloud.

Good for you OP, you can do this.
Life is waiting for you, once you divorce this abusive loser.

Do not be bullied by him.
He cares only for himself.

Not you and certainly not his children.
He will be desperate to regain some control.
Don't let him.
Do not do nesting.
He is an abusive prick.
It won't work.

Treat the counselling as mediation for a better split.

Don't ever forget how he has treated you and the children despite all you have done.

You all deserve better.