DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

I do appreciate it’s easier said than done but you really do have to be strong and advocate for yourself and your kids. Don’t expect or wait on any kindness from him or his family because this is who they are and you can’t change that.

Well done on the latest update about sending the lawyers letter. He’s obviously underestimated you and never thought you’d be so strong to stand up to him like this.

Well done yo👏👏👏
He is utter scum.
Abusive, weed smoking, lazy scum.
You and those poor children deserve so much better.
Please go to the police and tell your truth.
The full truth of that violent abuser, his assault and his drug taking.
Document it all.
Block his family and NEVER EVER allow him enter your home again.
Keep posting.

Thanks guys , actually his family have done a u turn and his dad called me and said that he was an idiot with a temper and he needs to change. His brother and sister also keeps saying he loves me.

I’ve just realised tho that all this week has just been a magnified version of what he normally does to me. Once he was released from the police station , he blocked me on what’s app. Then after 3 days of zero contact he contacts me and says ‘ I only love the children , and I demand I see them after you have stopped me from coming to my own home to be with my kids.’ Obviously no apology. ‘ stop spreading malicious lies and how you have fabricated this whole ‘ I hit you story ‘ I never hit you , I was trying to snatch your phone ‘

I have thinking time. This is what he always does , minimising my hurt and pain. Zero empathy about what I’ve been through. Gaslighting to the maximum and stonewalling.

This week is just amplified. I don’t want to end my marriage but I feel like I don’t have a choice. I don’t think he can change . I’ve told a lot of it to my mum now . My dad died 3 years ago , it’s really hard for her to hear. She just keeps saying to me ‘ this is not real love ‘ If he loved you he would never treat you this way. She comes to stay with me quite a lot but not recently because she was abroad. She said to me today, I come every week , and you look depressed. I keep wondering ‘ why does my daughter look so uptight and stressed all the time, and it’s him ‘ Why is she living in a world of pain.

It's hard for parents to watch their adult children suffer in a loveless marriage - not least because they usually know they can't interfere and attempt to "put things right". Your mum must have been praying for you to confide in her - and now that you have, accept all the love and support she can offer to get you to happier place, and to find that happier place it sounds from what you've posted divorce is the way forward.

Lean on your mum…she sounds lovely.

@Tina6458 They say behaviour is a language - listen to what he is saying. The only person he cares about is himself - I wasted 29 years waiting for my ex to change, to see the error of his ways, walking on eggshells trying not to set him off, bringing in all the income as well as doing all the childcare and housework but he saw nothing wrong with his behaviour - it was always everyone elses fault. Don't be me . I left two years ago and while it was hard at first I have flourished since and am so much happier and at peace.....

@2022NewTimes well done, that’s what I want peace. I’d love to hear about your story if you want to share?

I'm glad you have the support of your mum, that is so valuable.

Please don't take him back. I wish that I had got away from my ex the first time he hurt me, it would have saved me from so much physical and mental pain.

I kept everything inside and didn't tell anyone about what happened to me and now I regret it. It should have been out in the open so everyone could have seen what he was. It wasn't my shame to carry.

But now I'm free with an amazing husband and know what love is supposed to be like.

@camperjam thank you , it feels like such a lonely place right now. It’s so nice to hear your story. It would be nice to be with someone , who I can just talk to straight , without it being turned on me. I’ve unfortunately had a string of abusive relationships I have realised. Always going for the good looking arrogant guy , now that was a mistake.

Keep going! You have to uproot weeds and move rocks before you have the garden you want.

Honestly you guys have been amazing and given me strength. Thank you so much

Well done! It gets better when they're out of your life. Trust us on that. You need to be as low contact as possible though. Let your lawyer handle him.

the family probably haven't changed - they have seen you act and throw him out, and now they are all trying to manipulate you to take him back.

You are going through it all right now & doing brillantly OP. Keep going.
In a years time your life will be so different as you shape you new future.

It must be lovely not to have him in the house, to be free of all that tension, stonewalling etc. If you aren't used to living on your own, it may also feel strange - don't mistake this for love or missing him. You are shaking off old habits and building your new life. It will feel odd at times, but you are doing great for yourself and your children.

He is a grown man - he can sort himself out. Its not your job, not your responsibilty.

yes to absolutely minimising contact with him - he will quickly use any contract to manipulate and abuse you, even if he tries to be nice at first.

It won't be like this forever, but for now, don't give an inch. Let him deal with your solicitor for your own sanity and to establish some very firm boundaries with him.

Suddenly he wants/needs/misses his kids - its all smoke and mirrors and manipulation.

Absolutely do not trust his parents. You said upthread that they take his angry abuse themselves silently (IIRC) so the family has defaulted to letting this go for a long time. Even if they would like to support you they will not be able to stay firm in the face of his anger and they will try to get you back under control. They will work with him, pretend to support you, promise anything, to return to the status quo.

the reality and enormity of this is setting in. He has said he will change and will work on himself. He said ‘ he was trying to smash my phone and not hurt me , however I still don’t believe this part. ‘

Do people actually have normal relationships where you are listened to / heard and respected ?

Yeah, but only if you believe and expect it. I think a good therapist could transform your life OP, it’s extremely difficult to navigate out of these relational patterns without a travel guide

Yes. Absolutely.

And trying to say that he wanted to smash your phone, rather than hit you? WTF? How is smashing your phone any better?

OP, please believe that there ARE good men out there. Men who will listen to you, love you, care about you, share tasks with you, compliment you, and enjoy your company. I've been lucky enough to have married not just one but TWO of them! So please don't stay with this arsehole, fearing that there is nothing better out there, and in all honesty, I'd rather be alone that with a man who treats me like your man does.

You can absolutely find someone who will love and honour you! Your current husband’s behavior is appalling. His excuses just show how far down the road of abuse he is that he thinks it is exculpatory to say that he attacked you in order to smash your phone.

Next time you will set your standards very high. And you will simply not allow this kind of wanker in your life. Be very intolerant of small discourtesies snd you will quickly weed out these creeps.

You are such an example of "boiled frog analogy". He is absolutely vile.

Any admissions now are about protecting himself.
He will NEVER change.
He likes abusing you, it suits him.
He doesn't want this comfy situation to change.
He will be thinking "oh oh...went a bit too far, silly me, will pull back and soft soap the stupid cow until she capitulates and normal business resumes".

THIS is the reality of abusive men, it is all about them.

Your children are emotionally abused by living in that house.
Much better to have your own home that will at least be a safe space even 50% of the time of the children.

Yes, we do. But I don't think you can ever have that kind of relationship with this man. He is full of excuses when you try to get away and it's great that you recognise that he is trying to minimise and jusitfy his appalling behaviour. He and his family are just trying to reel you back in. If you go back to him it will only get worse. There are men like him, families like his - but there are also nice ordinary ones.

So yes, you really could go on to have a nice ordinary relationship where both partners listen to each other and are kind to each other. But to do that you first need to close your ears to this man's nonsense and get rid of him so you are free to find someone else. He will never be that partner.

And you will need to train your inner wanker-detector so that you can spot the men who are likely to be a good bet and so that you are quick to get rid of any man who starts showing the signs of true wanker-dom.

Do people actually have normal relationships where you are listened to / heard and respected?

My OH goes one further than that and actually does things that he knows will make me happy and my life easier. He makes me feel safe. I know that no matter what we face, and life has thrown some shit our way, we face it together. When I think of my life I feel a rush of... contentment.

You have one life, your children have one life. Do not waste yours or theirs with unhappiness just because you are finding this short amount of time hard to deal with. He is away from you, keep it that way. He gives you and your children NOTHING of any value whatsoever.

He actually sounds like the most difficult child to manage. He is literally acting like a child. He is an appendage that could be chopped off and you wouldn't miss it. get rid, what a turnoff.

THIS!!

when did your DH go out of his way to make you happy?