DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

Who the hell tries to smash someone's phone?! Even if that was the case, what despicable and ridiculous behaviour. Either he's out of control, or he's pretending to be, and neither is acceptable.

Yes, people do have relationships where they are respected and liked. I was once in a relationship with someone who treated me with contempt, with the occasional reprieve or promise to change. I began to think it was normal, or inevitable. It's not.

You deserve - and can be with - someone who genuinely likes you and respects you. Who's easy and pleasant to be around; who makes your life easier and smiles when they see you. It's the bare minimum you should be settling for!

Your DH will not change. Men like him are not capable of functional, respectful relationships because they don't like themselves. Their only way of making themselves feel good is to make you feel bad. But you can't fix this low self esteem or his hatred of women. Please don't think it's you, or think you have to fix it, or work on it, or put up with it.

My ex partner: "You're upset over nothing. I've done nothing wrong. I won't be told I'm a bad person. You're not annoyed with me, you're annoyed with yourself. I don't have to apologise to you. You're so oversensitive, I can't say anything to you. You always twist everything. You make everything about feelings and I can't argue with that. I don't have to do anything. You'll never find anyone better than me."

My new partner: "I'm so sorry I upset you! I feel terrible, I would never try to hurt you. I love you. Let me do X or Y to make things right. I really care about you, I'm so sorry I've miscommunicated, or I said X - I know how it sounded/looked, I see why you're upset. Come here. Can we have a hug?"

I was just reading back your posts @Tina6458 and I like a summary, so forgive me but I’m just going to write mine here. If that’s OK. Do refer to this if ever you feel tempted to relent and take him back!

• husband doesn’t work and hasn’t in a year but lives off pay out
• he takes the kids to school most days because you’re working
• you pay for a nanny to collect them 4 days a week
• nanny preps dinner
• you cook as husband doesn’t like to cook
• husband gets frustrated and angry when you make a mess when you cook (but doesn’t offer to take turns cooking so is happy to let you do it but doesn’t like the way you go about it and is critical and angry about it)
• you order the shopping every week to be delivered on a day when you’ll be home early so you can put away half thereabouts (having been at work the morning and early afternoon)
• husband often puts away some / the other half of the shopping but is angry and frustrated about having to do so.
• husband doesn’t like to cook kids tea or do their bath but will do some homework
• husband is tidy and likes a tidy house
• you also pay for a cleaner
• so husband does morning drop offs, a bit of homework, puts away some shopping and does some tidying in a week and he feels frustrated at having to do this much
• you work or study 4 days a week and spend time with your youngest on your day off, you employ a nanny and a cleaner, you do all the cooking, you do kids’ baths, you order the shopping and put half away. But he is the one voicing “frustrations”?!!!!

Additionally

• you went to see a counsellor but husband got so angry during and after the sessions that the counsellor felt it best not to continue
• he thumps the dashboard in a rage
• he raises his “frustrations” in an angry and exasperated way but when you question the validity of these he accuses you of causing an argument and blames you for his aggressive reaction
• he gives you the silent treatment and cold shoulder for a few days at a time demanding he gets an apology
• He threatens to slit his throat when you asked him to leave
• he tried to grab your phone in order to smash it and assaulted you in the process
• he doesn’t see the issue with assaulting you and minimises that because he was only trying to smash your phone!!! He claims it wasn’t assault so is gaslighting you again.

This is an abusive marriage. Plain and simple. He is angry, aggressive and controlling. He gaslights you into trying to accept his angry reactions are your fault. He does very little around the house or with the childcare but somehow manages to say it is too much for him and you need to listen up and lessen his load! Please do not ever think about taking him back. He is awful and will never change. You don’t have to accept being treated like this. Look at the above. This is not how you treat a partner! Never ever accept this heinous specimen of a man back into your life. We are all rooting for you!!!!!

He said ‘ he was trying to smash my phone
That is still classed as violent and intimidating behaviour. It is NOT okay to break any of your belongings either, which btw is a criminal offence.

He has said he will change and will work on himself.
That's okay. But he can do that whilst living in a different house. He doesn't need to be in the relationship or house to make him a nicer, better person.

Hold firm. You will bitterly regret taking him back.

@BustyLaRoux your summary hits the nail on the head doesn’t it . Sounds so awful when you state it clearly like that. My kids are being little shits and really acting up, but as hard as it is I’m not going to back down. It’s funny because he’s really backed off and I am wondering if it’s because ‘ he’s testing me again’. Honestly don’t know where I stand , he’s always playing mind games with me. I wonder if even now he is calling my bluff.

Yes backing off is just a tactical retreat not capitulation or an end to the war.

Get rid of the manipulative controlling violent arse, you can do so much better than this waste of oxygen.

Remember also that children learn from what they see and hear, break the chain and stay absolutely firm.

The kids are bound to play up with all this going on. Are you able to get away for a week with them over the summer holidays?

Hang in there and keep posting, if you still have it in you please try to give a statement. You loose nothing by that. You have the recording and a witness. Your heart will break, I know.

Also, if you haven’t told your work about it all do that, it will help that they know what is happening.

it’s horrible, I’m still in the middle of it all.

You don’t need to worry about his mindgames. Because that’s exactly it. They are games. Testing, trying to show you how calm he is….none of that really matters. Even his own dad said he has angry temper issues. The counsellor could see it too. I really feel for you. Living with this angry aggressive gaslighting man for so long. I bet you can’t even tell what’s reasonable anymore. You sound so lovely and accommodating and kind and hardworking. I have no doubt your life will improve immeasurably without him in it. The children may be acting up but you are doing them a huge favour by showing them you are a strong woman and that anger doesn’t win. I am guessing he will try ALL the tactics in the book now he sees that his lovely comfortable life isn’t going to be the status quo anymore. I imagine he’s shitting himself right now. You could probably make a bingo card of roles he will play now:
Angry
Backing off and appearing to be reasonable
Threatening you
Getting friends and relatives involved, trying to manipulate you and gaslight you, saying this is your fault and denying and twisting things to make you look unhinged to other people….

It won’t be pretty. He has an awful lot to lose. Whereas you have nothing to lose. Stay 💪

@BustyLaRoux thanks so much. You are describing him to a tee. I am loving the calm and peace in my house. Tidy up when I feel like it, without anyone on my toes. It’s what I’ve needed.

I’ve been listening to some of the arguments we have had in the last couple of months that I had recorded. I think you gathered from the post that he hit me because I was recording the conversation. It’s crazy maybe but I only did it because I can’t remember what was said and he’ll denial or twist my truth so I feel better now listening back. Am I torturing myself? I feel really awful when I listen to it because I feel sorry for myself.

How do I stop feeling sorry for myself? All my friends and family are married and no one is divorced . The evenings are proving to be very lonely

How do I stop feeling sorry for myself?
By writing down all the lovely things you can/don't do because you no longer have to appease him. Write down how lovely the peace is. Then keep reading it, and re reading this thread, and there are other threads here that might help such as this one:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce?page=1

All my friends and family are married and no one is divorced .
So? Every single woman in those relationships could be raped every night. They could be living in terror waiting for the fist in their stomach. You have no idea what happens behind closed doors, just as they had no idea of your life. Being married does not equate to happiness, nor does divorce equate shame. It just means the relationship is no longer mutually satisfying or happy.

“How do I stop feeling sorry for myself? All my friends and family are married and no one is divorced . The evenings are proving to be very lonely”

I felt like that 30+ years ago when my first husband and I divorced but , believe me, the sheer relief of having a calm house is bliss . Evenings where you can watch what you want on TV , drink a glass ( or 2) of wine if you want , read a book if you want or go to bed early/ late if you want.
The loneliness will soon go.

Do you have someone nearby who can babysit for you? It would be good for you to get out and have some time for you even if it’s just an hour at the gym.

what helped for me in the evenings in the early days was to arrange a phone call with someone, I had 3 or 4 friends that I rotated through. Even just 15 minutes made a difference. I made a very deliberate effort to get back in touch with people I had dropped while I was with my husband. Then also enjoyed doing what I couldn’t when I was with him, sitting watching mindless telly, and eating a ready meal. Rather than running around him. I know with children that will be harder, but try to get that bit of time that is yours.

I also found writing my feelings down very helpful.

You will get through the nights, one day at a time. X

You guys are amazing. My friends are checking in but sometimes I feel they forget that I’m on my own. When you’re married you don’t call anyone because you know everyone is busy with their partners and lives. I am feeling that I am coping with the kids much better than normal , and they are irritating me less. I wonder if they’re also feeling calmer. They’re being incredibly loving and giving me lots of cuddles. Doing things for them doesn’t feel like a chore. I love it . I love the feeling that I can leave mess about until I feel like cleaning or don’t feel like cleaning. It feels so nice.

I am reading ‘ why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft’ right now too which tells you to focus on social connections, because that is what I need.

I will write - that is def a good idea.

Looking back over the last few years I feel like things have gotten so much worse after my dad died . Do you think this is related ? Is it because I don’t have any one to advocate for me?

Abuse is usually ramped up when the woman is more trapped/dependent. So it's pregnancy, maternity leave, moving away from support systems of family, friends or long term work colleagues, or death. So yes, the emotional and practical support from your dad was no longer there, his house was no longer available for you to run to, his money could no longer help you out in an emergency, he was no longer around to advise you or to let you vent.

Can you ask your GP if they can signpost you to counselling? Most GPs will fund a short 6 sessions but it might be enough for you. Otherwise message Women's Aid and see if they can point you to a local support group.

Journalling is very helpful for managing all sorts of feelings. Very helpful for anxiety. Either on a screen or by hand in a notebook, both are just fine. Helps me to spot patterns, crystallise emotions so you can move on a bit. Cheaper than therapy too!

@AutumnFroglets thank you , that makes sense. I am seeing a therapist weekly - I actually met her through my work programme for anxiety and grief when my dad had a short battle with cancer and died 3 years ago. Felt like the ground was no longer solid beneath me.

She identified the abuse then and gave it a label I think I refused the believe it. I reached out to her again when things worsened at home. She’s been an amazing support for me.

Hi

I’m really not coping well. Is it my own stupidity that I thought time away and him being banned from the house would make him realise what he’s done and how much we all mean to him and that he will make it up to us. You’re all going to tell me I’m mad. I think some of my friends and even his family I think , think that me calling the police was over the top reaction. It’s upsetting me so much.

He is ‘upset ‘ with me because I called the police. He keeps saying ‘ I need to take responsibility for my actions.’

I know what you’re all going to say. I feel like my soul is crushed, I just keep crying all the time. I feel so devastated that this is what is happening. I ruminate all the time , I play scenarios again and again in my head. Analysing to death . Is this every going to stop?

you need to reread all your replies here on your thread

then repeat his own words to him - he needs to take responsibility for his actions !

you are a clever person, you got a degree and you have a brilliant job - believe in yourself ! and not in this ' no longer working but likes playing golf and lunching out loser. '

this won't stop whilst you are allowing him to mess with your head.

make yourself busy - look into the divorce I believe you can start proceedings online, if you haven't already started it, do your figures, decide what custody you are aiming for, if he is not working then I expect he will pay £0 in child maintenance :(

read and reread the books that have been suggested to you.

He won’t change and don’t wait for him to feel remorse or be sorry that he hurts you - he won’t, he lacks empathy so it is never going to happen. He may say he’s sorry and he’ll change blah blah to try and win you over but it won’t be sincere and before you know it all that crap is starting again.

I’ve been there (ex also lacked empathy) and became a single mum to two when my children were around your two ages. That was years ago now and I don’t regret it for a minute. Our children are grown now but I had to spend some time with him recently (family event) and he’s just the bloody same! It was tough at the beginning but have never regretted it.

He is 'upset' with me because I called the police. He keeps saying 'I need to take responsibility for my actions.'

Two things: you called the police because he assaulted you, and he is the one who needs to take responsibility for his actions, not you.

For goodness sake, please stay away from him, and if he keeps contacting you, call the police again. He could be dangerous.