DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

So many reasons to leave him. He treats you like shit, he's lazy and selfish, you're a saint for having put up with him for this long. Things will be so much better when he's gone.

He thinks he should be able to vent his frustrations at you? Seriously this guy has no awareness, it's going to be a big shock to him when you leave him.

Once every seven days is a pattern. It's the cycle of abuse. It applies to emotional abuse as well as physical.

we are a partnership and if one person needs something we both bend to try to accommodate that. @DontBuyANewMumCashmere this is what I thought marriage was supposed to be. I am a fool. I feel so disappointed in my choices and my life, but at the same time I keep thinking - life is short , and I shouldn’t be spending it being miserable with someone .

"He can't see how he speaks to me is unkind, rude and disrespectful".

Oh but he can. It's having exactly the effect he wants it to have.

No you shouldn't, and your children should see that if a man treats a woman like shit she can walk away.

It's never an easy fix, I'm not glibly saying LTB, I'm suggesting if you've tried things and he's not helping, perhaps you've done as much as you can?

he’s a lazy arsed waste of space every day though right?

I wouldn't be surprised if you are losing respect for him. He sounds both pathetic and entitled. That you have a Nanny, more because he is out of work, and would rather doss about than parent his own children is ludicrous. Are you sure you are OK for money, or could he be hiding that? I bet he is going through some funds while he's off. Its all very well being OK for now, but can you sustain everything on your wages if he never works again? Would you even want to for someone who just wants an easy life of no childcare or work or shopping while you take up his slack?
If he was high up in a professional role, he's not ever going to get similar if he has long gaps in employment to explain. It never impresses, has he been looking for work or planning anything in the future?
I fail to see the point of him, he sounds on the scrap heap, how old is he?
Behind all his shitty behaviour, he probably knows he is sub par and is taking it out on you because he knows you are more together. He's trying to bring you down to his low level and gain an upper hand by criticising you, to make him feel better than his worth actually is.
Don't let him drag you down, tell him straight that this cannot go on, and if he can't or won't change, then separation and divorce is the only option for you.
At least he can never claim he is the primary carer, so you won't end up paying him cm. It might be wise financially to split before he's burned through all funds.

Ok so, we've very quickly established that you've done nothing wrong, your husband is an aggressive bully, and that you want to end your marriage.

So, how can we help and support you to do this? Do you need practical advice, or do you pretty much know what you need to do, and just want some emotional support here?

So glad you're not putting up with his abusive shit any longer.

I have never ever said this but, LTB!
Go and have a nice life!

@Opentooffers can he claim primary career because he is not working though? Although I think he knows he can’t do it . I did go and see a lawyer and she said that it would be better for all for him to have a job

@ReadingSoManyThreads i needed mumsnet today, it’s the middle of the night and we had such a heated row about this. I just feel so alone. My dad died a few years ago , on his death bed took DHs hands and said ‘ look after my daughter ‘ . He lacks empathy for me, he’s not the man I deserve .

You're 100 per cent right. Hugs.

His behaviour is awful, Op. You definitely were NBU, this sounds like a tough situation.

If you have a nanny and he doesn’t even do pick ups I’d imagine that might be harder for him to claim primary carer.

Is he looking for another job? What’s his plan?

He really is a horrible man.

In terms of claiming primary carer, it would be much better for you, if you could do the school pick ups/drop offs, as many more than him as possible.

Try posting in the Legal board for more specific help about that. I think you'd need to prove that you do more care and parenting than him, and if he's doing more school drop offs than you, that will be harder to prove.

Do you think he'd want to go for primary carer? Do you think he'd want to get custody and claim CMS from you? Some men do this just to hurt their ex wives, despite them having been useless fathers during the marriage.

Would the Nanny be able to make a statement of how he does no parenting at home, hence her role was needed whilst you worked?

I think it works in your favour that you work part-time though.

Is there a reason why he hasn't started a new job? Does he have plans to work again?

This
Is he their df?

You are a successful woman and you really don’t need this man around. You say you have a nanny and a cleaner. It sounds like your paid help already does all the jobs that your husband should do. What does your husband even add to your home life? It sounds like he just swans around like a jobless teenager. Putting some shopping away is hardly difficult and if that’s all he has to do all day then it’s not like he has a hard life.

Wow when I was a SAHP I wish I had a nanny, a cleaner and a wife who cooks and does the bulk of the parenting!!

OP this is nuts, simply nuts. Keep the nanny and off load the man. He adds literally nothing but stress to your already hectic life.

You are smart, capable and presumably will be fine financially. You will thrive without him 💐

Don’t feel like a fool. He pretended to be the right man for you for a while. You weren’t a fool, you were a victim of a long con.

OP, just 3 words……’Kick him out’.

He is just sucking the life out of you. You know how he talks to you and the effect he is having on you but is anyone thinking about the kids?

I know you are but he isn’t and that alone is reason enough for you to remove this ungrateful excuse of a man.

Do not think for 1 moment your children haven’t heard the way he talks to you & the last thing you want is this learned behaviour getting replicated by the children. I guarantee he will then use them against you.

Just pack his bags and leave him a note to go. If he doesn’t tell him you will call the Police.

You are a doctor and know all about bullying, coercive control.

Please show him the door and tell him to keep on walking!

You can do this! You are an incredibly strong woman who is already single handedly running the house. Lose the 3rd child & fast.

If you need to talk pls do me xx

I'd give the nanny a few days off and if he moans say well you're at home whats the problem. Oh and leave him a list of all the jobs you do for him to get on with.

All joking aside, he's behaving like a twat. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and start behaving like a grown up.

I'm sure the proof of you having a nanny that does pick-ups and food too, would suffice to quash any claim for main carer, that's why I said he wouldn't get to.
It's doubtful he'd want to have them 50/50 even.

I would be kicking him out. You have 3 children not 2 and he's the most stubborn of the lot. Your juggling without him anyway. It's like he's more of a lodger than a husband. That's not a partnership. He's a lazy arse hole.

Your husband would never go after primary custody. That is literally the last thing you would ever have to worry about. He can barely be arsed to do anything and he doesn't even work.

Op, it really is ok to get divorced. Stop looking for reasons he acts this way and ways to fix it, because the reasons don't matter and you can't. Your husband is abusive and you need to leave him. Leaving him now while your kids are so little is absolutely the right thing to do, before his abuse impacts them for the rest of their lives. You don't need him and you deserve far better.

He’s not the primary carer. You and the nanny are. He’s fucked. He does occasional care. You cook, drop off, etc… start taking notes of everything you do vs everything he does. Diarise the last month, next month, finances, etc. Get a lawyer and get your own bank accounts.

The kids are going to be hardest thing if you decide to split. I think the likelihood of him being viewed as the primary carer is small, but you should prepare for packing your kids off with him at weekends and holidays. It’s brutal. Definitely not a reason not to do it though.