DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

I spoke to my lawyer and she has said that she can ask. him to sign an ‘ undertaking’ which is a promise to the court to stay away from me. I didn’t even want to go down a legal route but he is demanding to come to the house to put the kids to bed. I am working from home because I can’t face work.

I don’t want him to come. But he’s just saying he misses the kids. I’m just stressed out

He does not get to demand to come and put the children to bed.

Be firm, then make arrangements when and where he can see the children.

How can he say he misses the kids when he does sod all for them? Keep talking to your lawyer, he needs to go. Hopefully you can pay the nanny so the dc are. Looked after when you’re at work? He can’t come back, he hit you!

You need to start looking out for yourself because nobody else will. Stop going to his family as they will ALWAYS be on his side. Just save your energy.

Give the police a statement regarding the assault first as other things follow on from this. Don't cabbies have internal cctv for their own safety or for fare dodgers? Most do nowadays. Get the police to check.
While there mention his threats of self harm/suicidal thoughts.

Get a solicitor to do a non mol (I think it's that), this is to keep him away from the house. Assume it's to keep him away from you too otherwise get a restraining order. Get something to keep him away from the children temporarily based on his threats to self harm. Women's Aid would be able to clarify or help on these points.

Stop thinking about his needs and start thinking about yours and the children's needs to a safe and happy life free from fear. Big girl pants time OP

Your home needs to be a safe space fir you. He can put the kids to bed on his 50 % time. He needs to not be allowed to invade your space. He has proven he cant be trusted.

You need to press charges op. It will protect you and the dc going forwards. This is his own doing and he's no one to blame except himself. You are not ruining his career etc, he did this!

If you press charges you have more leverage to keep him out of the house, he can't pressurise you into letting him I , he can't pressurise you into letting him have the dc etc. it gives you power. At the moment you have none.

She needs to make a statement.

That isn't 'pressing charges' it's giving evidence for the police to take it further and hopefully as far as the CPS.

We don't press charges here the same as in the US

Please @Tina6458 give the police the evidence they need to help you

I feel like I’m being backed into a corner. I think I have to go down the legal route . Please don’t stop giving me advice. My heart feels like it’s going to explode and I’m a panic state constantly. She said he can’t break a promise to the court and if he does he would be fined and arrested.

I have these fleeting thoughts in my head that this is not real. Maybe he’s right that he didn’t hit me , he was just trying to snatch my phone. He’s completely denying it, he’s trying to make me believe I’m crazy. That my hand got hurt whilst he tried to snatch my phone.

All the advice on here is keeping me going. Thank you so much mumsnet.

Please have some faith in yourself, all this self doubt - you are better than that ! it is just him getting into your head.
You KNOW he hit you. full stop.

of course he is denying it. he is not likely to be stupid enough to admit it - is he !

Take care if your body and soul. This is going to be a marathon not a sprint but you have already started. When your thoughts start racing take some deeo, stabilizing breaths and shrug your shoulders. When your body feels calm you will be able to bring your thinking mind back online.

You can do this!

One last point: It is not necessary for you to give a reason why you are leaving this man. A relationship is not a legal event and he is not the prosecutor and you are not the defense. “I don’t love you or want to live with you” is perfectly good as an explanation. If he doesn’t like it he can complain he can hire a friend and complain to them.

You can say “you shouted at me, hit me, and threatened that you wiuld slit your own throat. If you don’t remember this that is all the more reason that you are not safe as a partner. The more you deny it the more sure I am its the right decision.”

But you don’t have to. “Its over” is fine.

I also didn’t mention that he smokes weed every single day

Of course he smokes weed every day. Which is why he can't be arsed doing fuck all else. Just do not let him back in to the house. This is your chance. If he comes back he will never leave and ramp it up cos he knows he won't be going anywhere. Do you feel strong enough to keep him out? You have to swallow down that panic or else you will just be kicking the can further down the road. You and your children deserve so much more. Please do not raise them in a home where they see Mum run ragged while their useless, weed smoking Dad lives his best life on the back of her. It will set them up for shitty relationships themselves.

Divorce him. Do whatever you have to do to get rid of him. Don’t negotiate anything other than the end. You are not discussing what he can do to improve.

You are a highly skilled professional with 2 little kids and you need this weed smoking, violent loser like a hole in the head….

I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I’ve turned into a wreck.

But this too will pass. Picture where you want to be in a year then break it down into the small steps needed. Make a list

What he’s saying is GASLIGHTING.

Sending you strength OP. You are so much better than him. You’ve made the first step of getting him out of the house. He and his family have shown you their true colours. He has no intention of changing and has not only demonstrated this with his words, but also his actions. it must be so so hard, but his family are a tie to him, so creating distance with them right now is so much better for you in the long run. He is being extremely manipulative, so it isn’t surprising that you’re questioning and second guessing everything, but you’ve done the right thing and even though you don’t feel it, been so brave, and in the future when you and your kids are doing just fine without him there, you will feel so thankful to now you. You have a team of supporters here whenever you need them. Take care xxx

Urghh he is AWFUL. I'm older than you and the banging of the dashboard with the face that looks like it's going to explode - reminds me of my exH.
All I can say to you is that I am now divorced and have been for some time. I re-married but also to someone with a temper. I'm now living the most contented life I've ever lived-on my own, with my dogs and cats. It's pure bliss. Divorce is awful, and not a solution for those who are financially dependent, however in your situation, I'd get out of this 'marriage' as soon as you can.
Lack of respect, plus a temper, and an inability to resolve conflict maturely, are all attributes that do not result in a happy ending. Men like this do not change. Wishing you all the best-you sound like you are run ragged, and I hope one day you shall be able to shop in peace. And maybe even enjoy it 😉

@Tina6458 Mine told me he did not push me - I flung myself to the floor.
Do not let him rewrite the truth - you know what happened

Is the cab driver with a company? Can you reach out to/via the company, explain he witnessed an assault and a statement is needed.

If he is witness to an assault he may have a legal responsibility to report it/act as a witness.

You don’t need to waste time “priving” why you want a divorce. If you can start the process on the basis of irreconcilable differences (if that is necessary) just do it. Unless you absolutely need a legal trail for a non molestation order don’t waste time trying to prove anything.

However I also suggest that you install cameras in every room of the house so you have evidence of erratic or threatening behavior if you can’t legally keep him out or he comes over to (supposedly) act like a father but starts to threaten you.

@abracadabra1980 thank you , I felt that I needed this, to hear your story. He’s really put me through the wringer this week. I actually feel like I’ve been in hell.

Hes got the lawyer letter and he’s in shock. He’s now saying , he doesn’t want to lose me and just wanted to come home. Unbelievable. I’m really glad I sent him the letter. He doesn’t realise how strong I am , he is shocked that I had the balls to send the letter. He has to make a promise to the court to stay away from me and make all prior arrangements with me about the children. If he fails then she will apply for an emergency occupation and non - molestation order. I didn’t even know what these were before.

It's crazy how awful you feel after getting away from your abuser. It will be hard for a while, but hold firm. You will gradually find your feet, get stronger and calmer and happier. I fled my ex about 18 months ago and I have been there, but slowly coming out the other side and beginning to rebuild my life.

Well done for leaving. You're doing amazing!