DH voicing his frustrations at me - is this right or wrong

[Tina6458]

We have had a really difficult year. Once again I feel like I am being gaslighted and manipulated and made to feel like a crazy person. I feel like we are at the end. He has spoken to his friends about this and feel that ‘ I have overreacted!’ . DH has been out of work for a year now. We are financially ok luckily because he had a big pay out and we are ok for a bit. I work 3 days a week as a doctor, work as a clinical lead and we’ve had major changes at work recently which I am leading on. I have also been studying and doing a course on one of my days off and Mondays I usually spend with my 3 year old DS - take him swimming etc.

He has been doing drop offs for school for both DS , 3 and 5, about half of the time and only recently most of the due to my hectic schedule. We have a nanny Tuesday - Friday who does after school, who picks up the little one and has been quite good at preparing food recently.

I cook most dinners.

so , on the Thursday , I had physiotherapy appnt early morning bc I had painful knees, rushed to work , worked non stop til 2ish , left work and then rushed home to get the shopping in from Ocado, I took it all in and put all fridge items away, I wanted to make some eggs quickly bc I was starving and then had a laser appnt at 3, so really tight for time. Maybe in hindsight I shouldn’t have had lunch. I usually feel faint if I don’t eat on time.

Meanwhile he had dropped kids that morning , gone to meet a friend for lunch in Covent Garden and then gone shopping and bought some sunglasses. He walked through the door about 9 mins after me and I asked him if he would drop me to the station because I was running late ( he puts his hands on his hips and looks at the ceiling and sighs ) . I then say’ please please please’ to which he says ok.

Next thing he says is ‘ could you not have put the shopping away for once !!’ I then said , but I have put loads away , I think half , I’ve put all the fridge stuff away’ . He goes into the hallway to pick up bags and says to me ‘ no you didn’t !’ ‘I’m always putting the shopping away!!!’

He looks so pissed off , so I said ‘ forget it don’t drop me to the station !’ To which he says - stop being ridiculous .

I got in the car to drive us, whilst in the car I said ‘ what shall I do , should I change the delivery time to another day where you never have to see it ?! ‘ I said ‘ why don’t you do the shop and then you can decide when it comes?! ‘ Anyway he got so angry that he started to repeatedly bang on the dashboard as if he wanted to break it and it looked like his face was going to explode. I got out of the car and I ran to the bus.

I got home that evening , he stayed in the loft and then got Deliveroo and ignored me. Next day same silent treatment. When I asked him if he was ignoring me he said ‘ when you apologise to me ?!’

Next day he only said he was sorry for his reaction in the car BUT he should be able to voice his frustrations without me turning it into a massive argument!

What is your view? Apparently he has spoken to his friends and I am in the wrong?! I feel like I’m going crazy 😭

If he is at home he needs to be pulling his weight more. You were not unreasonable. He is gaslighting you.

Good god. No OP, you are not in the wrong.

Sounds like you're running around like a blue-arsed fly, meanwhile he gets to swan in and out, lord of the fucking manor taking it easy. Heaven forbid he actually has to lift a finger or think of anyone beyond himself.

It sounds like he has contempt for you.

Would life be easier without him? 💐

You are going crazy. That’s whathappens when you live with an abusive unfriendly wanker.

Do the online freedom program, talk to friends and make plans to keep yourself happy.

He does have contempt for me, that’s how it bloody feels all the time. If I’ve been cooking he’ll be pissed off at the messy kitchen, before he would fly into a rage , now I’ll be like ‘ are you ok?’ because he’ll look so tense and I can feel the tension and then he’ll say ‘ no because the kitchen is massive mess’

He is saying ‘ I am allowed to be frustrated , because I have put the shopping away every week for 5 months!!! ‘
For the record I do the shop , I order it for Thursday afternoon because usually I’ll be there or the nanny. Obviously because he doesn’t work he is also always there.

Why di you have a nanny if your partner is Home?

@SoFedUp71 exactly!!!’ Because he doesn’t want to look after them, he doesn’t want to collect them , cook for them or bath them . The only bit he does is do homework with DS1. It’s a joke, why have kids ? This half term I couldn’t get any time off work , but I had a break from my course on the Tuesday so I took him out for the day. He however made no plans with him, so I had to send him into camp and I arranged the nanny to spend time on one of the days .

He’s a total bell end. If you work and he doesn’t, he should be doing everything else! It’s crazy that you’re doing all the food sorting and cooking, and paying for a nanny. You may as well be single.

He's a bully.

Sounds like this has coincided with him being out of work, meanwhile you're really cracking on with things workwise - I suspect he is feeling jealous and emasculated - neither of which you are responsible for.

Do not let this awful man grind you down more... If you stay this is how it is. Easier said than done to leave, I know.

"And I'm allowed to be frustrated because you're not working, we pay for a nanny, I do more than half the housework and you're still pissy with me" 💁

What is he giving you in your relationship?
Could you do without him?
He sounds like a horrendous, fun sucking life-vacuum. Absolute joy sucker.

@ShouldIEvenBother I want to leave this marriage , I can’t take it anymore. I’ve always just thought it was my fault, no matter how many ways I say it to him he doesn’t not give a shit that he hurts me and he won’t admit , he feels he should be able to voice his frustrations at me.

His friends think you've overreacted because he doesn't treat them with contempt. He saves that for you. Their opinions are irrelevant.

I think you know the marriage is at its end point. You're keeping everything running while he huffs and puffs over putting some groceries away. His anger will destroy your self-worth over time and teach your kids some terrible lessons about what's normal in a relationship. Time to consider your options.

Can’t see what he’s contributing really?
how’s he not worked for a year but also isn’t doing at least half of the cooking cleaning and childcare. What’s he doing with his time that benefits the family?
why is he so angry as well, banging on stuff, sulking, silent treatment, yelling, nah non of that is acceptable

I've been a SAHP for 7 out of 9 years - for this period I did all the kids' stuff, pick ups, drop offs, groceries, laundry; he had a few token chores at the weekend which wouldn't be a problem if he missed AND if I was busy, seeing a friend, or occupied my DH would have stepped up to help/take his share.

If you want to save it, could you suggest counselling to strengthen any remaining strands of your relationship?

@Moolywooly he does tidy up around the house generally, he’s ocd about it and we have a cleaner. However you are right , he doesn’t give me anything anymore . He is sucking everything out of life, I’m so fed up of the constant negative comments and general negativity. He can’t see how he speaks to me unkind, rude and disrespectful. I should put up with it apparently because ‘ he should be allowed to voice his frustrations , and I should just be able to move on from it ‘ .

In the morning yesterday he came down with a face like thunder and horrid tone of voice.
After that it really shook me up and I had a full blown panic attack which I’ve never had before. I told him to leave for a night and he did after begging him that I had a panic attack and I needed space from him.

i don’t think I can do this anymore. I feel so low , I feel so unloved.

agree with @EverybodyLovesString what his friends think is irrelevant. He wont be treating them the way he treats you - I’m 100% sure of that.

Just get rid of him. Honestly you will be so much happier. The non fridge shopping can stay in the bags all week if you like, who cares. Fuck him, the useless waste of space.

You poor love 😢 this living situation can't go on, it is making you ill. Bite the bullet and tell him you want to separate. He is not a loving or supportive partner. What his friends think is irrelevant - they are only hearing one side of the story! Look after yourself lovely 💐

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere your relationship sounds different to mine it sounds like a partnership. My motto is ‘ if stuff needs doing , just do it’ . The food shopping is for us , the kids me and him. I would probably do it all if I felt appreciated, and I did before when he was working , I worked less and we didn’t have a nanny. I would never speak to him in that way. Did your DH ever speak to you like that?

We had couples therapy at the beginning of the year and he got really angry in therapy and then would be angry at me afterwards. The therapist said it wasn’t the right time for us.

Today I said ‘ you need to change ‘ and he said ‘ I’m not changing , this is who I am.’

Are your children witnessing how he speaks to you and treats you? Do you really want them to grow up thinking this is normal?

@HMW1906 i don’t , I don’t want them to see it , but they have. They are little now 3 and 5 , I want them to have a calm life and it really isn’t right now. They are really hard work , they fight all the time and it is exhausting but despite all that I am starting to feel like I will be able to do it and I’m really better off on my own.

I keep having my own internal battle , ‘ if I could only make him see , because he keeps saying he does love me and appreciate me but these things keep happening.’ It’s not everyday but it’s like maybe once every 7days where he’ll be really rude like this. He isn’t like this on a daily basis.

Today I said ‘ you need to change ‘ and he said ‘ I’m not changing , this is who I am.’

This is the death knell for any relationship. If he was willing to try to make things work he would do nearly anything to make it work.

Don't get me wrong, we're not perfect and have our own issues but, yes, we are a partnership and if one person needs something we both bend to try to accommodate that.

I'm still boggling at you having a nanny and a cleaner and he doesn't work and he still bitched about putting the shopping away??
[gets out the cast iron pan]

He sounds horrible. He isn't nice to you. Has he always been moody.

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere 100% now you see why I was soo mad. Kind of the bloody castle. Frying pan would be a good idea. It’s not even about the money, I would pick up the kids if I wasn’t working.

Of course his friends are going to support him. Why care what they say? You are not in the wrong. He's not doing his share and is emotionally abusive. You obviously have enough money that you don't need to put up with his shit any longer. You could try an ultimatum that he changes this behavior and goes to counseling, but massively entitled guys like him tend to go back to the same behavior regardless. It's just who they are.